Hi all
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Hi all
Hello my SR peeps,
Checking in after a long SR hiatus. Still sober as ever and coming up on 3 years. Wow. Even just typing that feels unreal. Anyway...
Believe it or not, I could not log back in here. I was swimming with my tablet (like a total idiot) and dropped the tablet to the bottom of the pool, screamed, but alas the scream did no good, as the tablet was cracked, so it died. Then my mom gave me an amazon fire she had lying around. Tried to log in, couldn’t get in, tried to reset password, asked for email help, nothing. Thank goodness I am not relying on the site for sobriety like I was in the first six months or that would have been dicey. Finally, missing the iPad interface, I bought a new one and wouldn’t you know I am automatically logged in.
So I thought I’d say hi.
As for my personal life; still working two days a week but in what looks like hazmat gear, mask with face shield and sweat dripping through my whole shift, I have bad eyes (macular degeneration that started in my 30’s) so seeing through glasses plus the shield is no picnic. It’s awful, work quite frankly is uncomfortable and scary but I still get paid, and for that I am grateful.
Not sure I want to be married anymore, but that’s an old story and one that tires me out even to type about even though I know it has a lot to do with sobriety and figuring out who I am even when I don’t like myself sometimes, and why is that anyway when we are all such flawed living shells filled with stardust, why even do we expect perfection out of ourselves anyway?
i woke up with a start at 3 am last night just heavy with emotion and it felt a bit like how I used to feel after drinking 20 drinks all day long, passing out and then coming awake with the demon on my chest at the ghost hour. But it was just the real me with thoughts of the last month before my dad died and my mom living in another city alone and my daughters weight problem and whether or not I will die alone. That full moon did a number on my soul.
I think of drinking sometimes as I feel so disassociated from so many people, esp my husband and I know of course that this pandemic has widened the gulf between all of us, and we have all felt lonely and lost and adrift in our own collective way, all over the world. But I won’t drink, mainly because that promise I made to my daughters stands, that I would be me from now on until my deathbed, and not the escapist who lives in another dark parallel world. I said it in 2017 and I say it today.
the grief from losing my father has lightened somewhat though I often ask him out loud why he left me before I could say goodbye and cry with my head on his chest, while he patted my head and said “now sass, everyone’s time must come, no matter how much it hurts.” And he doesn’t answer but I imagine him saying that in his voice with his own small laugh and his big warm hands on my hair.
so I go to bed sober and wake up sober every day, sometimes it feels light and sometimes life is so, so hard. Yet my promise is kept and that’s what counts. It wasn’t just a promise to my kids, it was to myself, too.
I hope you’re all well or at least working toward healing and now I will go catch up on how you are all doing. Blessings to you all.
Checking in after a long SR hiatus. Still sober as ever and coming up on 3 years. Wow. Even just typing that feels unreal. Anyway...
Believe it or not, I could not log back in here. I was swimming with my tablet (like a total idiot) and dropped the tablet to the bottom of the pool, screamed, but alas the scream did no good, as the tablet was cracked, so it died. Then my mom gave me an amazon fire she had lying around. Tried to log in, couldn’t get in, tried to reset password, asked for email help, nothing. Thank goodness I am not relying on the site for sobriety like I was in the first six months or that would have been dicey. Finally, missing the iPad interface, I bought a new one and wouldn’t you know I am automatically logged in.
So I thought I’d say hi.
As for my personal life; still working two days a week but in what looks like hazmat gear, mask with face shield and sweat dripping through my whole shift, I have bad eyes (macular degeneration that started in my 30’s) so seeing through glasses plus the shield is no picnic. It’s awful, work quite frankly is uncomfortable and scary but I still get paid, and for that I am grateful.
Not sure I want to be married anymore, but that’s an old story and one that tires me out even to type about even though I know it has a lot to do with sobriety and figuring out who I am even when I don’t like myself sometimes, and why is that anyway when we are all such flawed living shells filled with stardust, why even do we expect perfection out of ourselves anyway?
i woke up with a start at 3 am last night just heavy with emotion and it felt a bit like how I used to feel after drinking 20 drinks all day long, passing out and then coming awake with the demon on my chest at the ghost hour. But it was just the real me with thoughts of the last month before my dad died and my mom living in another city alone and my daughters weight problem and whether or not I will die alone. That full moon did a number on my soul.
I think of drinking sometimes as I feel so disassociated from so many people, esp my husband and I know of course that this pandemic has widened the gulf between all of us, and we have all felt lonely and lost and adrift in our own collective way, all over the world. But I won’t drink, mainly because that promise I made to my daughters stands, that I would be me from now on until my deathbed, and not the escapist who lives in another dark parallel world. I said it in 2017 and I say it today.
the grief from losing my father has lightened somewhat though I often ask him out loud why he left me before I could say goodbye and cry with my head on his chest, while he patted my head and said “now sass, everyone’s time must come, no matter how much it hurts.” And he doesn’t answer but I imagine him saying that in his voice with his own small laugh and his big warm hands on my hair.
so I go to bed sober and wake up sober every day, sometimes it feels light and sometimes life is so, so hard. Yet my promise is kept and that’s what counts. It wasn’t just a promise to my kids, it was to myself, too.
I hope you’re all well or at least working toward healing and now I will go catch up on how you are all doing. Blessings to you all.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,433
Hi Stayingsassy 
Anna's a crack gun when it comes to answering all and every SR email.
Maybe yours got somehow misdirected or otherwise lost in the ether.
Anyway glad you're back in and posting
D
Anna's a crack gun when it comes to answering all and every SR email.
Maybe yours got somehow misdirected or otherwise lost in the ether.
Anyway glad you're back in and posting
D
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1,602
Woohoo, she's back! Sorry if my thread sounded stalkerish, and it's not like we've communicated all that much on here, but I missed your posts and insights and am glad nothing bad came of you with Covid. Yes, the dark parralel universe is a good description. Thinking about that horrible tunnel vision and wretched physical and mental state has prevented me from drinking since may 21. Although I've been coming to terms with my new sober life for a couple of years before that. And it's very scary as I realise that a lot of relationships, including even those with my parents are very different now - many not for the better, weirdly, and many I realise were not real friendships at all. So I guess that's good. Not holding on to keeping "in" with people who don't really give you much thought. Anyway, just some additional musings from my side. Welcome back.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Your dad will always be right there with you, just as I
feel my own dad is here with me. Because of our own
family situation and circumstances, I wasn't available
when my dad passed away awhile back.
All I know today and deeply believe is, he is with me
every day. He instilled in me many values with his experiences
and wisdom accumulated through out his own life.
He did not fail me. I know i had to find my own way
in life and thru failures and victories I am slowly emerging
into hopefully the daughter he would have been proud of.
I keep him alive daily thru work, prayer and personal
accomplishments which is my sobriety.
I'm pretty sure he is proud of you and lets you know
with every gentle stroke of his hand on you hair.
feel my own dad is here with me. Because of our own
family situation and circumstances, I wasn't available
when my dad passed away awhile back.
All I know today and deeply believe is, he is with me
every day. He instilled in me many values with his experiences
and wisdom accumulated through out his own life.
He did not fail me. I know i had to find my own way
in life and thru failures and victories I am slowly emerging
into hopefully the daughter he would have been proud of.
I keep him alive daily thru work, prayer and personal
accomplishments which is my sobriety.
I'm pretty sure he is proud of you and lets you know
with every gentle stroke of his hand on you hair.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,501
Hi Stayingsassy,
I'm sorry you didn't get an email response, but I didn't see an email from you. I just went and looked back through everything I have and I don't see anything from your email address. I'm glad you managed to get back in.
I'm sorry you didn't get an email response, but I didn't see an email from you. I just went and looked back through everything I have and I don't see anything from your email address. I'm glad you managed to get back in.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Hi all.
Briansy; I mean if you found out where I lived and stared in my windows I’d be concerned, wouldn’t worry too much about asking after my welfare on an anonymous Internet forum! Thanks for caring, you’re right it’s hard to know what happens to people sometimes.
Hi O, thanks for checking in! Once I’m off work today I’ll need to check out that long running thread and see what you’re up to!
Sharon: thank you for the comforting words. I know he is with me, I just miss him so much. I think it doesn’t always make sense who matters the most to us in our lives, a lot of people have not quite understood the depth of my grief which invalidated it, somewhat. They would address my grief much more if I lost my husband. But who matters the most is not always a culturally prescribed thing.
thank you Tatsy and I hope you are well also.
anna, it’s ok. I’ve emailed you before to get back in, maybe I didn’t message directly? I did try to reset the password several times to get in and it said “check your email” but nothing showed in the email. Again, I am not in danger of drinking without the site, so it’s really ok. I’m sure I would have pushed harder if I felt an urgent need. I needed a break from SR for awhile. It’s very intense recovery work here and my brain is in a different spot than alcohol recovery. I still grapple with life in that alcoholic way, but I’m not struggling to put down the drink, or actively needing help to stop me from picking up. That can change at any time, I know, when my kids leave the nest, things might get more difficult.
thank you all, off to work. Take care and don’t drink!
Briansy; I mean if you found out where I lived and stared in my windows I’d be concerned, wouldn’t worry too much about asking after my welfare on an anonymous Internet forum! Thanks for caring, you’re right it’s hard to know what happens to people sometimes.
Hi O, thanks for checking in! Once I’m off work today I’ll need to check out that long running thread and see what you’re up to!
Sharon: thank you for the comforting words. I know he is with me, I just miss him so much. I think it doesn’t always make sense who matters the most to us in our lives, a lot of people have not quite understood the depth of my grief which invalidated it, somewhat. They would address my grief much more if I lost my husband. But who matters the most is not always a culturally prescribed thing.
thank you Tatsy and I hope you are well also.
anna, it’s ok. I’ve emailed you before to get back in, maybe I didn’t message directly? I did try to reset the password several times to get in and it said “check your email” but nothing showed in the email. Again, I am not in danger of drinking without the site, so it’s really ok. I’m sure I would have pushed harder if I felt an urgent need. I needed a break from SR for awhile. It’s very intense recovery work here and my brain is in a different spot than alcohol recovery. I still grapple with life in that alcoholic way, but I’m not struggling to put down the drink, or actively needing help to stop me from picking up. That can change at any time, I know, when my kids leave the nest, things might get more difficult.
thank you all, off to work. Take care and don’t drink!
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
That was quite an update, Sass.
I have enormous admiration for folks such as yourself that spend entire days without being able to unmask or doff any of your other gear. The emotional toll on you, your patients, their families, it must be palpable. Thank you for doing what you do.
Ah the weight of making the decision to stay married or not. I believe it must have a lot to do with sobriety. It's a similar debate, at least that was my experience, just like the horrendous dissonance between simultaneous thoughts of drinking/not drinking. So it was for me - stay married/leave. Everything in me wanted both and the decision flipped constantly, for a very long time. If that's the thing weighing on you, and it seems it is, then unfortunately that's the thing that must be faced. Once you make a firm decision one way or the other, I suspect it will bring you relief.
I'm sorry you miss your dad but glad for you too. You had that love - that's an amazing thing, isn't it?
So glad you're back among us - you left a bit of a void, you know?
O
I have enormous admiration for folks such as yourself that spend entire days without being able to unmask or doff any of your other gear. The emotional toll on you, your patients, their families, it must be palpable. Thank you for doing what you do.
Ah the weight of making the decision to stay married or not. I believe it must have a lot to do with sobriety. It's a similar debate, at least that was my experience, just like the horrendous dissonance between simultaneous thoughts of drinking/not drinking. So it was for me - stay married/leave. Everything in me wanted both and the decision flipped constantly, for a very long time. If that's the thing weighing on you, and it seems it is, then unfortunately that's the thing that must be faced. Once you make a firm decision one way or the other, I suspect it will bring you relief.
I'm sorry you miss your dad but glad for you too. You had that love - that's an amazing thing, isn't it?
So glad you're back among us - you left a bit of a void, you know?
O
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Hi Fini! Hi courage! Hawkeye, that was such a nice compliment, made me realize I haven’t been complimented in a very long time.
yes, O. It is a horrendous dissonance. Also it’s just exhausting to deal with, like total life-uprooting exhausting, and I don’t have it in me. We lead fairly quiet lives separate from each other, there really isn’t any drama or battling, all that’s been done before. We are polite and courteous and don’t talk about each other around the kids. We’ve just become so very different.
the truth is: in this political climate, he and I have found ourselves on opposite sides of the fence, and I am very passionate about what’s happening in the world today, I am very vocal, and I feel this deeply. Every month of this pandemic has driven a deeper wedge between us and there came a point when we could no longer discuss it.
and dee I promise, that’s all I’ll say about that.. No need for more wedges than necessary, right?
yes, O. It is a horrendous dissonance. Also it’s just exhausting to deal with, like total life-uprooting exhausting, and I don’t have it in me. We lead fairly quiet lives separate from each other, there really isn’t any drama or battling, all that’s been done before. We are polite and courteous and don’t talk about each other around the kids. We’ve just become so very different.
the truth is: in this political climate, he and I have found ourselves on opposite sides of the fence, and I am very passionate about what’s happening in the world today, I am very vocal, and I feel this deeply. Every month of this pandemic has driven a deeper wedge between us and there came a point when we could no longer discuss it.
and dee I promise, that’s all I’ll say about that.
. No need for more wedges than necessary, right?Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1,602
Originally Posted by Stayingsassy 
Hi Fini! Hi courage! Hawkeye, that was such a nice compliment, made me realize I haven’t been complimented in a very long time.
yes, O. It is a horrendous dissonance. Also it’s just exhausting to deal with, like total life-uprooting exhausting, and I don’t have it in me. We lead fairly quiet lives separate from each other, there really isn’t any drama or battling, all that’s been done before. We are polite and courteous and don’t talk about each other around the kids. We’ve just become so very different.
the truth is: in this political climate, he and I have found ourselves on opposite sides of the fence, and I am very passionate about what’s happening in the world today, I am very vocal, and I feel this deeply. Every month of this pandemic has driven a deeper wedge between us and there came a point when we could no longer discuss it.
and dee I promise, that’s all I’ll say about that.. No need for more wedges than necessary, right?
yes, O. It is a horrendous dissonance. Also it’s just exhausting to deal with, like total life-uprooting exhausting, and I don’t have it in me. We lead fairly quiet lives separate from each other, there really isn’t any drama or battling, all that’s been done before. We are polite and courteous and don’t talk about each other around the kids. We’ve just become so very different.
the truth is: in this political climate, he and I have found ourselves on opposite sides of the fence, and I am very passionate about what’s happening in the world today, I am very vocal, and I feel this deeply. Every month of this pandemic has driven a deeper wedge between us and there came a point when we could no longer discuss it.
and dee I promise, that’s all I’ll say about that.
. No need for more wedges than necessary, right?
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