Marital Problems
 

As some of you already know, I’ve had a hard time finding my sobriety. I didn’t really obtain it until recently back in April, 2018 in large part due to my pregnancy.

I met my husband at drunken gatherings where substance abuse was the point of the gathering. I didn’t see it at the time, but the sole purpose of those functions was to get as wasted as humanly possible and I was working through some trauma I endured while in an abusive relationship. I was acting out and didn’t really want to feel anything. I did things that were uncharacteristic of me. An example was a one night stand with my now husband.

The next morning, I regretted my actions as I did not find him attractive or relationship material. I don’t know why I did it. He wasn’t exactly nice to me either so I can’t say I found his personality charming. Just drunken behavior. I felt bad because I knew he liked me and wanted to date, but I knew the right thing to do was to explain it was a bad decision on my part and insist we remain friends. Before I could have this conversation he told the world, even after I explicitly told him not too. He felt my brother who was his close friend at the time had the right to know. Immediately, not even 24 hours after it happened.

Our sexual encounter and thus relationship was discussed while my brother was wasted. I got called a female of ill repute and slapped in front of the party. To save face, I decided to date my now husband and break it off later. Well, that plan did not happen and we married 7 years later. I knew it was wrong then, even considered not turning in the paperwork to make it official. This, right here, is all my fault. My codependency and fear of the judgement of others is what caused all of this. That and the alcohol abuse.

Flash forward two more years and my alcoholism progressed which I sparsely documented here as I struggled to stop. He drummed up a ridiculous intervention and exposed my dark secret. The intervention consisted of people who were also substance abusers and folks who made it clear they had little concern for my well-being since I was a small child. I tolerated the nonsense, yelling, and demands because I was an addict and thus had no defense. Whatever they said was true.

Well, it didn’t work as most interventions don’t, and I continued my downward spiral. I never forgave him for exposing my addiction and the resentments have festered. Then I got pregnant and stopped drinking cold turkey. The resentments grew as I recalled all the nonsense I put up with in our relationship due to my codependency/alcoholism. I could see clearly how clouded my judgement had been due to the alcohol consumption. The breaking up with me because I said something he didn’t agree with, like an opinion on a movie. Or calling me a c u next Tuesday. Pressure me to take classes I wasn’t able to undertake bc of my current workload and anxiety. Telling me to “just kill myself,” etc.

Is he entirely to blame? Not at all. But, I realize I never loved him and it’s beginning to show. He’s asked me about it several times and I freeze up not knowing what to say. We have a daughter now. I’m dependent on his income as he is on mine. Sometimes I want to tell him the truth but then I always decide against it. I figure what will a divorce give me now? More pain as I care for my daughter solo? Or fight for her in court due to my documented history with alcoholism? Will anything good come of it? Sure he will be free to find someone who loves him. My daughter will adjust as she is so young. But so far, each year brings more sorrow for me. With the beautiful exception of my daughter, nothing good has come since I first joined SR back in 2009.

I don’t trust a good outcome. I’m scared and still codependent I suppose. I just don’t know what to do. Sorry for such a long post but I needed to share it and get feedback from you kind folks. Not sure what I expect from this thread but wanted it out there.

Hm. You're in a pickle alright.

You mentioned that your alcoholism has been documented. What I might do if I were you is start documenting your own recovery. Start documenting therapy sessions. Start documenting counseling sessions with your pastor or priest. Start documenting every good, decent, recovery oriented thing you do. No matter how small or trivial it may seem. Because if you decide to leave this man, this man who may shove all your weaker moments in the public eye, it will certainly behoove you to have paperwork that supports your defense.

Go to meetings, post here (it's time and date stamped), see an addiction recovery therapist or coach, do what you can to support your health and alcohol free lifestyle.

In the meantime, if you haven't already, it might be extremely helpful just to move out of the bedroom you share with him and move into the one down the hall. Go sleep on the couch if you have to, but start showing him that you're creating physical - and therefore, psychological - distance from him. Start that ball rolling.

CarolD was a long time member here and one of her truths was not all loves are forever.
Sometimes they're not even loves to begin with.

There are a lot of red flags here and I think you deserve better - needless to say your daughter does too.

I'm not normally a relationship expert on these boards but my partner telling me to kill myself or calling me vile names is abuse and I hope you do something about it.

D

Hey Lumen, I guess tbh I haven’t been doing much recovery wise. Just chasing my little one around and working. Don’t really have a social life or do much for self care except exercise. I guess that is an issue I need to look at. I’ve been warned that kids won’t keep you sober. But, the idea of drinking is not just not an option. There is absolutely no way I could rationalize it. I can’t do to her what was done to me during my childhood. Hence, why she has no maternal grandparents. They are out there lost in their addiction.

I want nothing more than a happy life for her.

NH,
So sorry for what you are going through. I’ve been divorced for years now, and we split when my boy was young.

I am a very happy single mom. I’ve never remarried, and am happy to be beholden to no one. Any future marriage would be on my terms.

I say that just because it sounds like you perceive two miserable options...stay or go. I have no idea what you may find going forward, but I found a bunch of peace and contentment solo. It is possible.

My best wishes to you.
-bora

Thank you for your share. I relate to your story so much. I have stayed In my miserable marriage for over 30 years, ever since our only (child)daughter was born. For most of that time I had been a falling down drunk too scared to leave. These past few months I have maintained sobriety, have a counselor and am making plans on leaving my husband. Don't wait as long as I have.

Thanks for your share, I appreciate it. I wanted to give myself some in sobriety before I made any big changes. It’s been 2 years now so I think I need to make some decisions. I noticed you said you only had a few months, I know I don’t the details of your situation but I think it’s wise to wait at least a year to really let your recovery take hold. It’s good you’re working with a counselor which is something I should consider.

newhope, part of my story is a lot like yours. I vividly remember thinking on my wedding day that this was all a sham and that my new husband was just playing out a part. I stayed a long time - 12 years - because I was raised to believe that marriage is forever, no matter what. The day I realized just how much of an impact this verbally abusive, narcissistic, volatile human being was having on my daughters, I knew it was time to divorce him and figure out a way to keep the girls with me. I think it took about a year more for me to muster up the courage because I had no idea how I was going to raise 3 girls then aged 5-9 all on my own. I was afraid. For sure, he blamed me for any trouble we had in the marriage and did all manner of nasty things including gaslighting, affairs, and demeaning me. I could take that. I thought. But when I saw my girls' future with him, it was clear that I was going to have to be the grownup and figure it out.

The girls are grown now and I'm not on the best terms with two of them due to my own crappy alcoholic behavior that started while they were in their teens. It's going to take a long time for us to heal, but I know we will. Meanwhile, not one of them wants to have anything to do with their father because each of them eventually realized on their own what a rotten example of a man he is. It's a testament to his jerkiness that they never even reached out to him when I went off the rails.

I have never regretted leaving the man. It puts me in mind of my boss way back when the kids were young. She was divorced with two children, and I said "I can't even imagine how hard that must be for you." She responded simply, "Some things are even harder." Word.

O

Newhope,

My story is very close to yours and the others who have shared.

I stayed because of similar reasons, and it was such a mistake. I thought I owed him, that he needed me, etc etc. I finally left and six months later he was recoupled and much better off, we all were. And my eldest's only complaint in the end was that we waited so long.

The weird thing is that he did awful things to me, truly, but he never used my drinking against me and he could have.

So, long story short, you will find a way to survive. You all will. But follow the good advice here, get ready. And then make the leap. Sounds pretty obvious but your daughter is much better off being raised with less material things than with a father who would wish her mother dead. as are you.

And you may just find a man who deserves you. I did. And I did not even look....

X