tonesward

It's been a long time since I've been in this place - where I haven't drunk all day and I want to never drink again. The last year has been hard - divorce, then Covid isolation. I have been drinking more than ever before and I've put on weight.
I've reached the point where I've just had enough. I want to stop this. I want to be sober
My monsters are boredom, loneliness, and insomnia,
Despite myself, I am amazingly successful at work. I finished my Frankfurt contract, then did 3 months in Stockholm and now I have a new contract in Cyprus. I'm currently in Portugal, working remotely and on Saturday I'm moving to a beach house for the next month.
So I want to use this next month to get fit and sober. I don't want to start a new job hungover and fat in a hot climate.
So today is day 1. I had 2 bloody steaks and a bowl of ice cream for dinner. I started Weight Watchers and I'm counting my points - that showed me too just how much I was drinking.
I'm about to pay a company to create an E-com website for me. It'll give me something to do in the evenings - running an online store.
So this is it - I'm going to be here every evening.
Please help me.
I need to succeed this time. I'm 52 and this is killing me.

The only way you can successfully change - is if you can make a new version of yourself that makes the old version redundant

fini

hello tonesward,
participating daily with other alcoholics was the beginning of my ongoing sobriety, so it’s great to hear you say you will be here every evening!

Khorhey

Not drinking cured my insomnia. It takes a few days to a week. You won’t sleep normally when you drink. Losing weight after 50 is tough. Try the Ornish diet.

Dee74

welcome back Tonesward

Being here every evening is a good start -I think you'll find some other helpful suggestions to add to that as well

D

tonesward

Decided to check-in first thing in the morning too. This way I can set my intentions for the day. I will use visualization to help me

Today I will not drink. I will work, go for a walk at lunch and then after work go food shopping, and NOT buy alcohol! In the evening I will check-in again. I will succeed on Day 2.

Here we go...

tonesward

Went shopping at lunchtime to avoid having to walk past the drinks aisle after work. Had another steak dinner and I'm going to be OK tonight
This afternoon I had my first cravings but I used the affirmations I got from this site:
You are safe
You are valued
You are doing the right thing
You are growing
You are going somewhere
It helped a lot

Anna

Good job on getting through Day 2. Changing your daily routine as you did is a really good way to help break the habit aspect of buying and drinking alcohol.

MaximusD

Sounds like you are on the right track. Keep at it and don't get complacent. One thing I have learned through all my failed sobriety attempts is I just wasn't putting in the work and making it my 100% goal. Check out the newcomers forum as well. That has a lot more traffic than this forum.

fini

great proactive action to shop at lunchtime instead of later, and yes, you are definitely doing the right thing

tonesward

I'm in Porto, Portugal - and last night they won the league title with a 2-0 win over Lisbon - huge celebrations, fireworks, car horns blaring till 4 AM, people singing and dancing in the street... And so hot that I had to have the windows open...

A week ago I would have gone out and got vodka - last night I just rolled with it. Didn't sleep till very late but have insomnia anyway.

I haven't dreamed for about 10 years but last night I had the most lucid, detailed and vivid dreams. And even though I only slept a few hours I actually feel rested.

Complacency is a real danger - hence my morning and evening check-ins here. Earlier this year in March I did 12 days and then suddenly my AV crept in and I found myself walking through Berlin at midnight to an all-night Garage to get vodka. It was like I was possessed - and that's really scary. The feeling that no matter how much you want it, the AV is going to get you...
That's why this time I'm here every day, as much as need be. I really want this and I can't tell you how much every message I get is helping

Today I am not going to drink. I will shop at lunch. I will work hard and in the evening I will work on my projects

Khorhey

Feel like the first few days is the hardest and it gets better. My challenge is when I feel decent again thinking I can have a few drinks in a social setting again. NOPE. I use to love going to my men’s club. There are even a few non drinkers there. But it just isn’t a good idea. Do whatever you have to do to not have one drink. Then you will be ok. When the though comes in your head go do something, anything else to not go to the pub or shop.

Hawkeye13

Low carb mostly carnivore eating really helped curb cravings for me. Sounds like you like steak anyway.

Great job! Check out Carnivore Code Amazon kindle or Paul Saldino on YouTube as it might help jumpstart weight loss and reduce cravings

LumenandNyx

"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop."
Confucius

For what it's worth - I've been to nine inpatient treatment centers and have failed at countless attempts to get sober on my own. Today, I've been sober for four and a half months. At first it seems like the sober days accrue at a snails pace. Keeping myself busy with my interests has been illuminating. You might try delving into the things you love because it not only helps the time pass, for me - it made me all too aware just how precious time is and that it doesn't ever give up its pace.

You'll get there. Just don't give up the good fight.

tonesward

Great link to Carnivore code! For some reason as soon as I came off the alcohol I have craved red meat - having steak for breakfast and dinner and pork chops for lunch with eggs and watermelon for snacks

I think I've got a lot of alcohol in my system - been drinking 1 - 1 1/2 bottles of vodka a night for the last year, starting at 4pm, passing out at 9, waking up at 2 and on weekends just starting again at 3 in the morning

Obviously I've become extremely unhealthy - over-weight with psoriasis - which just leads to depression and more drinking

So stopping now really feels like a life or death decision

And no doubt, the red meat beats the cravings - but it's very early days and I've been drinking so long it's become my identity. I don't know who I am without it anymore. Already I'm feeling things - missing my ex-wife, who I haven't really thought about at all since we split up. I guess the booze stopped me from having to process any of that stuff. Also I'm realizing that except for my job every other part of my life is a mess. It's like waking up after a car crash - for the first time in months I looked in the mirror today. Then I went out and booked a session with a dental hygienist - I need to start looking after myself again

Going to buy that book tonight and start reading. Also started Yoga - my mum is a Yoga teacher so I know what to do just haven't practiced for years

Feeling weird - like a rocket taking off from planet alcohol - everything is roaring and under huge pressure and I'm only a few feet off the surface - and I could crash and burn at any time - but I'm moving - things are happening - I'm getting out of a bad place

I'll be fine tonight - roll on Day 4

tonesward

Thanks LumenandNyx! That's inspiring - yes it feels slow and intense at the moment but I am moving, going to be on here a lot - find it really helps

least

Yes, do post often, especially if you're tempted to drink. Post here instead and let us talk you out of it.

tonesward

Steak breakfast and so far so good. Went clothes shopping last night and thought about getting a bottle on the way back. But I used my affirmations and got home fine
I notice I am more emotional. More irritated and angry by things I would have laughed off when I was drinking. Maybe it's just a phase. Slept on and off last night. It will probably take a long time before I sleep well again but it's ok
My first friday night sober, my first weekend ahead of me.This is a big test

Dee74

have you got a plan to get through the likely hurdles of the weekend Tonesward?

D

tonesward

@Dee
no I havent but maybe I need one. Just feeling my first heavy craving since I stopped
I've done my shopping for today so just going to stay in. Tomorrow I'm moving to a new Airbnb by taxi, should get there by noon
Moving is always stressful. I'm technically homeless as I live in Airbnbs since my divorce and have no fixed address. So all I have is in my suitcase and my guitar case.
usually I get smashed on moving day as a way of settling in. So I need a new plan. I will spend this evening thinking about this.
The affirmations really help though. And maybe I'm just getting hungry too. That and friday night vodka habits that suddenly seem attractive but I know it's a trap
ok my first big test

Hevyn

tonesward - I felt just like you do when I first came to SR. I was broken and hopeless. I knew I couldn't continue poisoning myself, but wasn't sure how to get free. It was hard to admit that what was once fun had turned into a trap (as you so aptly put it). Reading the posts & exchanging ideas here helped me to no longer feel alone. No one else in my life understood - all are social drinkers with no addiction problem.
I hope you enjoy the new location. Let us know. We're with you.
Congratulations on Day 4!