helloxdarling

I've been out of the hospital about 24 hours. Was taken to the ER by my mother following a night of heavy binging with lead to suicidal thoughts and me not wanting to be here anymore.

I've known something was coming, I've let myself slide the past month or so and it was my choice, I didn't reach out, I didn't ask for help. I feel so defeated. I feel numb. I no longer want to die now that I'm sober, but I keep replaying the past in my head and I don't think I'm worth it anymore.

The main thing keeping me going is I know God forgives me, and if I'm still here I know my story isn't over.

But I keep doing the same things over and over again.... why can't I just stick to it?
I hate myself so much.

Dee74

welcome back helloxdarling

my life and my choices were all about drinking, so I had to change a lot in my life to stay sober but it was all worth it.

why not start posting regularly here again?
Support really made a difference for me

D

D122y

I looked at my addiction from a science view.

The reason I could only make it a few days, weeks, months, and even years is because of permanent brain damage from drugs (booze).

Initialy, the addiction is physical and mental. After a few weeks it is all mental. I needed the booze to feel normal. My normal was drunk.

I had to find ways to stimulate my brain like booze used to. Exercise, meditation, movies, foods, hiking, crafting etc etc etc. It takes time to get used to doing this.

During this time, and still today, the crave beckons. I want to get drunk....please....get drunk. It is insane, but that is how it works.

I am better at dealing with it today then I was 4 years ago. But, the whole time, off and on, I suffer.

Since you have been to the Dr. already, you probably got meds and mixed them with booze. The half life of meds is much longer than booze. The hell to climb out is worse.

Suffering and time were my way out.

Thanks.

SnazzyDresser

Mastering a tricky difficult skill like sobriety can take a lot of time and sustained thoughtful effort thru repeated attempts. Keep at it, learn what works for you and what doesn't, all the ins and outs, the tricks of your mind's relationship to alcohol. Pay very close attention to what's happening inside you as you go. It's possible you're not as bad a person as you think you are, that you just have lost touch with some of the better elements of your nature. We're capable of a lot more than we know.

tomls

Read and post.

MaximusD

Helloxdarling, How is it going?

timi0000

Darling, I'd like to share with you what really helped me. The 2 things that enabled me to drop my addiction: 1. turning my life over to my Higher Power 2. Becoming more loving and helpful towards people.

Everyday I reaffirm that I am giving my life over to God, that I want him to come into my life, that I want to have a relationship with Him.

Becoming more loving started by posting positive messages on post it notes and leaving them in bathrooms and other public places. And then everyday I think of what I can to help someone that day or make their life easier. It has produced amazing results for me.