Macphisto

Thanks all for the wonderfull advice. I don't know for a fact that I'm an alcoholic but based on some questionairs I've seen on here everything points to me being an alcoholic. Or maybe I just liked to drink because it's fun. I don't know I think I'm just fooling myself because I've done alot of stupid things when I was drunk. Even though I never got a DUI or anything like that (God knows I drove drunk so many times).
This is really my first time trying to quit. As I mentioned before at first I cut back to 1 or two beers but now I'm at ZERO. I crave beer some evenings but nothing heart wrenching or anything. My ultimate goal is to not drink AT ALL so I do think I'm in the right place. So why not just start now? I'm afraid I can't answer that, maybe it's because if I say that now I will have commited myself to something that will give me guilt if I decide to drink 1 beer down the road. Maybe I'm just fooling myself? The only thing I do know is that I never want to get "drunk" again. I don't know why I wouldn't qualify for AA but maybe I'll see something there that will make me take that extra step and decide to completely stop drinking.
Finally, I do know that I have a problem. I may sound like some indecisive person who want's their cake and eati it too but really this is a huge step for me. I've been drinking since I was 14 (now 32) and most every fun thing I did with friends involved alcohol. Maybe I'm just afraid I won't know how to have fun being completely sober and want to leave an out for drinking on a "special" occasion.
In any case, I'm sober now and have a strong desire to stay that way. I feel great waking up in the morning with a clear head. I should just stop this hesitation and commit myself to "never" drink again but for some reason I can't do that. My mind tells me "why should I have to". Last night I was with some friends that were having some beers and even though I was tempted I didn't drink "at all" not even one. I'm very proud of that and it felt great. I hope to continue to come here and gain courage from most of you. I know some here are put off by me being here and not able to commit myself to total adstinence but for now I'm totally adstinent and I'll take it 1 day at a time. Thanks for your words of wisdome

Carlos

Cathy31

Well done Carlos, keep it up and keep posting. One day at a time...if you find that in actual fact this is harder to do than you might have thought...or even impossible...try not drinking for 30 days and see if you can do it...if not, you know there is AA. If you can do it no problem - good for you! You're obviously not an alcoholic.

Keep us posted!

Cathy
x

comfortablynumb

Macphisto,
Your story really struck a chord with me. I think there may be a part in many of us that really does want to have our cake and eat it too.
For years (and I do mean years) I drank seldom or very moderately. I had complete control.
Now, after about a year or more, I realize I have lost that control.
More often than not, I start out saying I WILL drink moderately and then find I am completely dumfounded that I drank beyond what I even could remember. I don't even have the cognizance that I've done it, until that awful morning after.
Waking in a panic, that I might miss work again. Heart racing and hating myself for allowing it to happen. Waking and lying awake an hour before the alarm goes off because I passed out before 8pm and still, not having a restful or peaceful sleep. Oftentimes, horrible nightmares that wake me and then not being able to go back to sleep at all.
I REALLY REALLY want to have that control again, but lately I've tried and it seems to have eluded me.
I've straddled the fence, bargained with myself and have been slowly learning that I, in turn, have only been fooling myself.
I think intellectually I KNOW I am alcoholic, but just don't want to give up the illusion of control that I think I should still have.
This is ONLY my second day of not drinking, but I cannot remember when I have gone two days...seems almost like another lifetime.
Tomorrow will be a huge challenge for me as I am going out of town, overnight, with my best drinking buddy,, to a comedy club at a casino!
I hadn't planned to quit, and even now, daily, I wonder if I can sustain my quit for yet another day.
I admire so many people, already, on this board and think that their wisdom is invaluable.
Their tidbits of treasure, for free...what a concept!
That they might spare others by listening to their experiences is a wonderful gift!
I envy what they have and think I, too, could achieve that.
It is wanting it, even when I don't think I want it.
But even more than that, I don't like who I've become and I believe this isn't really who I am.
You may be the rare person who can control it when it has been beyond your control at other times, so I wish you luck. Truly, I do.
Because I have done so many times what you are attempting, and have failed, I think your story has made me realize even more that I have been grasping at an impossible dream. As Pink Floyd sang..

"When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone."

Best wishes!

Alice Wonder

Carlos take it one day at a time and keep posting.