Three years, trying to do the right thing.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 111
Three years, trying to do the right thing.
Checking in. It'll be three years next month. My career change is going alright, but it's beating up my body. It's not 'interesting' like my old job was but it pays and the guys are pretty alright. My wage is finally starting to catch up to where I was before I started over so it's easier to keep going at it. Starting over is hard, for lots of reasons.
Anyways, I rediscovered a pint of whisky I hid in my basement. It's been there for about three years I think. I may have posted about it once. My girlfriend tried to find it, but I hid it under the tarp, next to the water heater. By the dead mouse. Things had been rough for a while and I had bought it for whatever reason. It seemed like the thing to do at the time. I had forgotten about it, I didn't touch it. I'm having to take things a day at a time. That saying is NO JOKE. Lots of days I don't even think about drinking, but it feels like I can't process things like I used to. I can take one day's worth of 'stuff' and that's about it. That's about all I've got in me it seems like. There's some big life changes ahead for me, it kind of feels like I'm not really living my own life anymore. I'm going through the motions, but I feel like I'm too far into it to not keep going. Maybe my expectations of what my life was supposed to be like isn't lining up with reality. However, I'm the one walking it down that path. I am trying to do what I know will be good for my life, but it is very scary and uncertain.
I had posted about not feeling much joy, day to day. There are good things happening in my life, objectively good, but I do not feel excitement over them. (Buying a house with my partner for example, playing with the dog, gardening is kicking off, making improvements with my OCD). I am worried that there is a part of me I won't be able to touch again. My girlfriend says I should maybe see a doc, maybe get some meds or something? I never liked those, but who knows. I feel wore out a lot, on the inside. Like when I was drinking, the gas tank only has a little left, sloshing around in the bottom.
I know what hole I'll dive down if I started again, but I still sometimes wonder. I won't today, or tomorrow, but things are feeling pretty big right now.
It would do me good to limit my caffeine, cut out processed sugars, and maybe get more sleep. I have been having bad sugar cravings lately and eating a lot of honey and carbs. Weight gain, my body hurts most of the time from work, tired. It's tough to get on the old diet and take care of my body. But those are bad excuses. Other things are hard, and we've all done those.
Keep going.
Anyways, I rediscovered a pint of whisky I hid in my basement. It's been there for about three years I think. I may have posted about it once. My girlfriend tried to find it, but I hid it under the tarp, next to the water heater. By the dead mouse. Things had been rough for a while and I had bought it for whatever reason. It seemed like the thing to do at the time. I had forgotten about it, I didn't touch it. I'm having to take things a day at a time. That saying is NO JOKE. Lots of days I don't even think about drinking, but it feels like I can't process things like I used to. I can take one day's worth of 'stuff' and that's about it. That's about all I've got in me it seems like. There's some big life changes ahead for me, it kind of feels like I'm not really living my own life anymore. I'm going through the motions, but I feel like I'm too far into it to not keep going. Maybe my expectations of what my life was supposed to be like isn't lining up with reality. However, I'm the one walking it down that path. I am trying to do what I know will be good for my life, but it is very scary and uncertain.
I had posted about not feeling much joy, day to day. There are good things happening in my life, objectively good, but I do not feel excitement over them. (Buying a house with my partner for example, playing with the dog, gardening is kicking off, making improvements with my OCD). I am worried that there is a part of me I won't be able to touch again. My girlfriend says I should maybe see a doc, maybe get some meds or something? I never liked those, but who knows. I feel wore out a lot, on the inside. Like when I was drinking, the gas tank only has a little left, sloshing around in the bottom.
I know what hole I'll dive down if I started again, but I still sometimes wonder. I won't today, or tomorrow, but things are feeling pretty big right now.
It would do me good to limit my caffeine, cut out processed sugars, and maybe get more sleep. I have been having bad sugar cravings lately and eating a lot of honey and carbs. Weight gain, my body hurts most of the time from work, tired. It's tough to get on the old diet and take care of my body. But those are bad excuses. Other things are hard, and we've all done those.
Keep going.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 111
Looking back at my post history, that bottle is from 2018. So a little under two years it has sat under the dead mouse. So, my above post was wrong. However digging through my old posts I've noticed I made threads about the emptiness/melancholy back in 2018 too. I won't uncontrollably run to it for whatever reason. If I did, it would be a deliberate decision to go drink it. If it wasn't there, I'd just hit the gas station that's two blocks down the road.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
If it wasn't there, I'd just hit the gas station that's two blocks down the road.
If it was me I'd be examining why I want to keep something around that I've ostensibly decided never to do again.
Is it a test of strength? A greater test of strength would be to pour that sucker away throw the bottle in the bin and not look back.
Is it a just in case bottle? do you still think, or fear, there may be situations or feelings that can only be solved by drinking?.
Is there a part of you that hopes you can drink normally again one day?
Sure you can drive those two blocks any time you like - but in the time you'd take to do that (and hopefully change your mind on the way) you might be in the basement and half a bottle down.
Cherish your recovery man - treasure it. Keep it safe.
D
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 769
I thing you should see your doctor. Explain the whole situation. If you're on meds, it'll still be a long journey to feeling ok, but at least you're doing something about and you're on a good road. Meds are safer to take than self medicating on whisky and the outcome will be much better - even it they don't work (in which case you'd try another type of med).
Congrats on 3 years !
Congrats on 3 years !
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,934
I agree about seeing a doctor, I don't think it can hurt. And it might actually help.
You don't really have a bottle of whiskey hidden in the basement, it's much bigger than that. It's like an old hand grenade from a previous war. It's just quietly sitting there, but if you pull the pin it's going to blow up your life in ways you can't even predict.
You don't really have a bottle of whiskey hidden in the basement, it's much bigger than that. It's like an old hand grenade from a previous war. It's just quietly sitting there, but if you pull the pin it's going to blow up your life in ways you can't even predict.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 111
Thanks for the replies everybody. I don't really know why I'm keeping it down there. I don't think about it, maybe every now and then, but I'm not sure why I haven't dumped it out. There's a part of me that I know wants to go back to drinking, but I know that'll immediately blow up in my face. My girlfriend doesn't want me to start, I know I stand a good chance at going right back to where I was if I started again.
I think it might be trying to to hold onto something from my past that I am afraid of not experiencing again. Life itself feels dull, my senses I mean and how I experience things. There was a real "oh ****" moment today but it was 'there and gone', pretty quickly. Resignation to let whatever happens, happen? Sunsets, landscapes, and nature don't have their impact like they used to. My relationship is OK but feel like an old glove. My job is OK, but I'm not crazy about it. I'm not driven anymore I'm trying to fill my life with things that I know are good, but I don't feel passionate about them.
I have noticed that I want to isolate myself from pretty much everybody. I feel that if I focused my attention on fixing myself somehow, that I could find the magic again? I'm down the path enough now that my life isn't so much my own. But maybe I can find meaning in doing good things for others? Paths ahead could be good, some can be bad (even sober). I am dealing with a lot of regret still everyday about where I've been and where I am now.
Still sober.
I think it might be trying to to hold onto something from my past that I am afraid of not experiencing again. Life itself feels dull, my senses I mean and how I experience things. There was a real "oh ****" moment today but it was 'there and gone', pretty quickly. Resignation to let whatever happens, happen? Sunsets, landscapes, and nature don't have their impact like they used to. My relationship is OK but feel like an old glove. My job is OK, but I'm not crazy about it. I'm not driven anymore I'm trying to fill my life with things that I know are good, but I don't feel passionate about them.
I have noticed that I want to isolate myself from pretty much everybody. I feel that if I focused my attention on fixing myself somehow, that I could find the magic again? I'm down the path enough now that my life isn't so much my own. But maybe I can find meaning in doing good things for others? Paths ahead could be good, some can be bad (even sober). I am dealing with a lot of regret still everyday about where I've been and where I am now.
Still sober.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
think it might be trying to to hold onto something from my past that I am afraid of not experiencing again
I feel that if I focused my attention on fixing myself somehow, that I could find the magic again?
With the fear that sobriety means losing something, as well as the joylessness, and the isolation thing, and the feeling your life is not your own as well, I wonder if you're not depressed?
I hope you'll consider speaking to a professional about where you're at- of course it's up to you but what have you got to lose?
D
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
have you heard of the concept of living-in-the-middle? instead of at the extremes we can be used to when drinking, the down-in-the-dumps or flying high, we need to learn how to "be" on middle ground.
any of that resonate?
any of that resonate?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 111
Thanks for the replies. Changing careers and locations to where I used to live 'more' in the middle has been somewhat successful. However, even though life is more balanced (there aren't many highs or terrible lows, I'm mostly melancholy or agitated) it doesn't have any of the sparkle that it used to. I have always been worried about living a life that is not interesting, at least to me. I feel like I accomplished some goals and reached the "now what?" stage, where I've been at since I stopped drinking. I've tried to get into new hobbies but the drive is all gone.
I'm comparing myself to my old mid-20s-30 year old self, who was drunk and angry a lot, but also in really good physical shape all things considered. Testosterone drop maybe? I'm less angry that's for sure. I know I'm living a decent life that a lot of people would be happy with but there's something that's not right.
I'm comparing myself to my old mid-20s-30 year old self, who was drunk and angry a lot, but also in really good physical shape all things considered. Testosterone drop maybe? I'm less angry that's for sure. I know I'm living a decent life that a lot of people would be happy with but there's something that's not right.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
so...still trying to do the right thing?
maybe the question is: the right thing for what?
you keep that booze around just as you keep yourself on that tipping point?
what might you feel if you actually chucked it and made a decision for ongoing sobriety?
maybe the question is: the right thing for what?
you keep that booze around just as you keep yourself on that tipping point?
what might you feel if you actually chucked it and made a decision for ongoing sobriety?
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Just a few thoughts fwiw. "The purpose of living is not to merely stay alive" is a saying I have heard out in the world as people discuss the virus lock-downs and restrictions. Then there is the story of the newcomer at an AA meeting. Someone was trying to explain there approach by describing their approach as something like "just don't drink, and go to meetings, and I can stay sober one day at a time". The guy looked around the room at some of the other members and said "I smell more!"
That's my experience. There is "more", there has to be or what's the point? Around about your stage I recall reaching a flat spot. The first couple of years were exciting, many big changes happened, then all of a sudden "I'm sober, now what?" Properly rejoining the mainstream of life was the next thing.
At first on this journey a lot of introspection is called for to pin down the problems and also to find the Power to solve them. It's an inside job. Changing external circumstances seldom works for long. But it is not such a good idea to stay in that mode. A person who constantly looks inwards will always find something to worry about. We eventually discover rule 62, don't take yourself to dang seriously. We need to begin looking outwards to see what we can contribute to life. It turns out emotional stability comes from giving, not receiving.
One locally famous psychiatrist, many years ago, described the 12 steps as an excellent way to "turn greedy self lovers into generous other lovers". And that is the rub, how to acquire that generous nature, so that giving is natural and pleasurable and not a chore. I needed a sort of personality transplant, quite a radical change in outlook, something I was never quite able to engineer on my own power.
That's my experience. There is "more", there has to be or what's the point? Around about your stage I recall reaching a flat spot. The first couple of years were exciting, many big changes happened, then all of a sudden "I'm sober, now what?" Properly rejoining the mainstream of life was the next thing.
At first on this journey a lot of introspection is called for to pin down the problems and also to find the Power to solve them. It's an inside job. Changing external circumstances seldom works for long. But it is not such a good idea to stay in that mode. A person who constantly looks inwards will always find something to worry about. We eventually discover rule 62, don't take yourself to dang seriously. We need to begin looking outwards to see what we can contribute to life. It turns out emotional stability comes from giving, not receiving.
One locally famous psychiatrist, many years ago, described the 12 steps as an excellent way to "turn greedy self lovers into generous other lovers". And that is the rub, how to acquire that generous nature, so that giving is natural and pleasurable and not a chore. I needed a sort of personality transplant, quite a radical change in outlook, something I was never quite able to engineer on my own power.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
I know how you feel, we have all been there I think. I am sober, now what. A little bored, a little melancoly. 100% been there.
For me, drinking was such a part of who I was that for a long time it felt like I was missing a part of myself.
But at some point it dawned on me, that my life was exactly the same as it was, only it should be better because I was not always in shame. So if my life was boring or unfulfilling now, it always had been except for the excitment of cleaning up my sh$t all the time and the fact that drinking was so important to me that it could make anything seem "fun".
So then I realised that it was not the drinking itself I missed, it was the idea/anticipation of drinking.
And then I realised something difficult, which is that I have always created ways to feel in shame, even after I stopped. So I think I am comfortable there, even though I hate it (or think I do).
So now I am breaking my shame cycle. And accepting that I can live in peace and I deserve to live in peace, which is what I call the middle ground. And for me, on the days I get that right, I am truly happy.
But drinking will always take away the peace of those of us who are addicted to it.
When you get agitated, what is causing it? For me, its about dealing with emotions that I dont feel comfortable with. This is what I outsourced to alcohol. Now I have to address those emotions unless I find another way to avoid them -- this is what I call my shame cycle.
So now what I try to do is figure out why I am so agitated or blocked and it always comes down to some emotion that I think I am not able to handle. But I am really able to cope, if I just go with it and don't run.
For me, drinking was such a part of who I was that for a long time it felt like I was missing a part of myself.
But at some point it dawned on me, that my life was exactly the same as it was, only it should be better because I was not always in shame. So if my life was boring or unfulfilling now, it always had been except for the excitment of cleaning up my sh$t all the time and the fact that drinking was so important to me that it could make anything seem "fun".
So then I realised that it was not the drinking itself I missed, it was the idea/anticipation of drinking.
And then I realised something difficult, which is that I have always created ways to feel in shame, even after I stopped. So I think I am comfortable there, even though I hate it (or think I do).
So now I am breaking my shame cycle. And accepting that I can live in peace and I deserve to live in peace, which is what I call the middle ground. And for me, on the days I get that right, I am truly happy.
But drinking will always take away the peace of those of us who are addicted to it.
When you get agitated, what is causing it? For me, its about dealing with emotions that I dont feel comfortable with. This is what I outsourced to alcohol. Now I have to address those emotions unless I find another way to avoid them -- this is what I call my shame cycle.
So now what I try to do is figure out why I am so agitated or blocked and it always comes down to some emotion that I think I am not able to handle. But I am really able to cope, if I just go with it and don't run.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
I was a chronic relapser. Okay, I was a full blown alcoholic and was in denial. I drank after work every night. I didn't wear a trench coat or hold a bottle in a brown paper bag, but every night I drank to reduce the day's stress.....
I finally got sober (I've had many attempts in 25 years). This is what I found for me:
I get sober and life is horrendous in the first few weeks, higher anxiety, can't sleep, night sweats, withdrawals (not too bad, but really annoying). Sleeping is difficult, so I would lay as still as possible and rest while listening to an AA speaker or a guided meditation or music.
Life is pretty crappy, then I get all happy cause I made it a few days without drinking. YAY! Now, if I could only sleep...
I worked the Alcoholics Anonymous program as I knew it worked for other people, I thought I'd give it a try again... Anxiety is high and I consider it a really long and bad hangover (withdrawals); vivid dreams start.... Someone said I had a pink cloud (feeling happy about not drinking) and I got lucky and found someone to guide me through the steps on days 14 and 15 of sobriety. I did not lose my pink cloud!!!! Awesome experience and I now have a higher power.......
Healing continued. Life got a bit bland around 4 months of sobriety or so and I didn't like it, didn't know what was going on, but things were just flat. Sleeping was a bit better, vivid dreams had stopped, I was learning how to live without drinking Amazing!
Then the flatness left and I felt EVERY emotion. Wow, just wow. Then I started to notice things I hadn't bothered noticing before.....
By 13 months of sobriety, life was pretty darn good, and I was thrilled. Life goes on, good things, bad things, life happened and I didn't pick up one day into the next, 9 years later I am sober and full of joy and serenity. It's too cool!
Everyone goes through physical and mental healing when they stay stopped. It is not easy, but it can be done. See your doc if you really feel you need help, but for me, I decided to try sobriety before I tried medications (I've seen too many people get medicated and act like zombies instead of humans) and I refuse to be a zombie.
You are worthy of Sobriety!
I finally got sober (I've had many attempts in 25 years). This is what I found for me:
I get sober and life is horrendous in the first few weeks, higher anxiety, can't sleep, night sweats, withdrawals (not too bad, but really annoying). Sleeping is difficult, so I would lay as still as possible and rest while listening to an AA speaker or a guided meditation or music.
Life is pretty crappy, then I get all happy cause I made it a few days without drinking. YAY! Now, if I could only sleep...
I worked the Alcoholics Anonymous program as I knew it worked for other people, I thought I'd give it a try again... Anxiety is high and I consider it a really long and bad hangover (withdrawals); vivid dreams start.... Someone said I had a pink cloud (feeling happy about not drinking) and I got lucky and found someone to guide me through the steps on days 14 and 15 of sobriety. I did not lose my pink cloud!!!! Awesome experience and I now have a higher power.......
Healing continued. Life got a bit bland around 4 months of sobriety or so and I didn't like it, didn't know what was going on, but things were just flat. Sleeping was a bit better, vivid dreams had stopped, I was learning how to live without drinking Amazing!
Then the flatness left and I felt EVERY emotion. Wow, just wow. Then I started to notice things I hadn't bothered noticing before.....
By 13 months of sobriety, life was pretty darn good, and I was thrilled. Life goes on, good things, bad things, life happened and I didn't pick up one day into the next, 9 years later I am sober and full of joy and serenity. It's too cool!
Everyone goes through physical and mental healing when they stay stopped. It is not easy, but it can be done. See your doc if you really feel you need help, but for me, I decided to try sobriety before I tried medications (I've seen too many people get medicated and act like zombies instead of humans) and I refuse to be a zombie.
You are worthy of Sobriety!
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Join Date: Feb 2020
Location: Eastern US
Posts: 1,386
Cellar, you could have some depression going on. I talked to my doctor about it and I was prescribed SSRI's which are not addictive. I took them for a bit until my sex drive plummeted and then I relapsed. I have not tried them again but if they will help me with my sobriety I am going to take them again. Bottom line you may need a pill and a therapist but be honest with your doctor so they DON"T prescribe you something addictive.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 111
I'm going to write a proper response tomorrow, I've been too busy with life things and work. Thanks everyone for your replies. Maximus, did the SSRI's help? That was brought up the psych I saw in 2011/2012 but I was generally against meds. But who knows, maybe they could help in some way or another now, along with doing personal work.
Thanks everyone.
Thanks everyone.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 44
Hello Friend,
I thought I was invincible as well after 1yr 8mos sober. Was feeling lonely as a result of Covid isolation. WOW....Didn't take long to slip back into my old habits. Goodbye great sleep. Goodbye sense of self worth. I can only stop now and pick up the pieces and start over. Best of luck to you
I thought I was invincible as well after 1yr 8mos sober. Was feeling lonely as a result of Covid isolation. WOW....Didn't take long to slip back into my old habits. Goodbye great sleep. Goodbye sense of self worth. I can only stop now and pick up the pieces and start over. Best of luck to you
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