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Help it's been a while, thoughts of moderating.

Old 05-19-2020, 05:09 AM
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Lpg
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Help it's been a while, thoughts of moderating.

Hey everyone

Not been here for a while. The last couple of weeks I have been thinking or fantasising about being able to moderate my drinking again. Ive not touched any booze in 2 and a half years and I've been doing so well without it so i don't know why these thoughts are coming back to me. I keep questioning if maybe things would be different now, maybe iv matured alot and I wouldn't drink the way I used to before. Alot of the anxiety and depression I had before therapy has gone, maybe I wouldn't be the drunken emotional suicidal wreck I was before? Jeez even writing that sounds madness that I would even consider it.

Life is good & I'm in a really great place. Is this just a feeling all sober people go through from time to time and it passes? Lockdown has possibly given me to much time to think.

Anyway had to get it out because I'm even searching for success story's that people who have returned to booze and its making me nervous. Hope everyone is well.
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Old 05-19-2020, 05:14 AM
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Getting 'captured' by such thoughts is risky. They will pass, but you can help them do so by doing exactly what you are doing now. Turn away from the stinking thinking and affirm all reasons why it's not a good idea. Reject dwelling on the idea. Keep posting.
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Old 05-19-2020, 05:22 AM
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Things sound like they are going well, why would you want to jeopardize that? Remember, you got sober for a very specific reason (like all of us) that
the drinking was causing very serious issues. Even your own words are "be the drunken emotional suicidal wreck I was before?" You should always remember that.
But, yes I think it is common for us to think can we chance it again at some stage. I know I did after a few periods of being sober. The thing was I was lucky to make it back the last time.
Keep the beast in check. Good luck.

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Old 05-19-2020, 05:23 AM
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Lpg, based upon my experience, no, it won't work. The brain, apparently, becomes etched with the amount of drink a person consumed at the time they quit. Therefore, it appears, lower levels of drink consumed upon re-starting will quickly ramp-up to the old levels.

It's with a heavy heart that I recall last year, when I was contentedly two and a half years sober, I suffered some tragedies and my AV suggested I 'could take a couple of drinks for a few days, to take the edge off, because I'd be in full control now". Not so. I spiralled down rapidly to the previous enormous daily amounts. I posted a thread in Secular, pleading for help to stop again.....I received huge support and cheerleading, but my oh my, it was far worse and harder than the first time I quit.

My brain never forgets how to ride a bicycle, or drive or car, or speak a language, and my brain never forgot the same old level of horrendous alcohol intake. I now know for sure, I can never again sustain a 'normal' level of drinking.

But you've an advantage over me last year, you posted your drinking thoughts! I didn't, I posted after I tried 'moderation'. Please keep posting.
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Old 05-19-2020, 05:30 AM
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Thank you I feel like posting will be helpful for me atm. It really is risky to think this way.
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Old 05-19-2020, 05:33 AM
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Thanks for your reply Reid82, I know even writing those words down sounds like a ridiculous thing to say hand in hand with thoughts of moderating. This is the longest time I've went without alcohol in my life and it is undoubtedly better so I'm confused why I would think like this. Why would alcohol make it better.... It wouldn't.
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Old 05-19-2020, 05:36 AM
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The last couple of weeks I have been thinking or fantasising about being able to moderate my drinking again.

I've personally done the research on this issue. It doesn't work. In fact, the outcomes are even worse than they were before.
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Old 05-19-2020, 05:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Lpg View Post
Thank you I feel like posting will be helpful for me atm. It really is risky to think this way.
Talking about this stuff will really help to break the power of it. It is like you're 'ratting" on your addiction. The worst thing you could have done is keep
these thoughts secrets. Well done on voicing them.
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Old 05-19-2020, 05:45 AM
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Tasty thank you for replying, I'm sorry you had a rough time last year. And thank you for the reality check I need it so much, its easy to get lost in the fantasy that things would be different this time around.
Thanks for sharing this with me today.
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Old 05-19-2020, 05:56 AM
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Lpg, thank you for your kind words. Before the tragedies happened, even though I was content in sobriety, I occasionally had the 'thought' that I could moderate, return to social drinking, enhance a meal, relaxing after a physical day, or exercise etc., with a couple of glasses of wine, or a beer. But those 'thoughts' were just my AV, the same AV that suggested I could ease my sorrow with a moderate amount, was the same AV that suggested I could heighten a happy event. My AV lies.

I'm so glad you posted and hope you continue.
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Old 05-19-2020, 08:28 AM
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Hey lpg. I have the same thoughts. Sometimes Im rational about the thoughts, sometimes I let them float around too long. Im battling weight and sugar addiction right now, so Ive been able to bat it off by saying once I tackle this then we will see.

Tatsy is right. The bad drinking comes back. Its not a maybe, its a certainty. Ive never been sober this long, so my brain is fooled into the Im fixed thing also. Plus, I just dont have that many people around who seem to care much about my sobriety.

I have to care for myself. Lately Ive been focusing on those old good times. Focus on some events you had toward the end of your drinking. At the very worst, they were horrendous. At the very least, you were numb. Neither one of those is much of a promise.

I have to find ways to get that old euphoria back, I have other ways, its just elusive right now, especially with his pandemic.

Try to focus.
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Old 05-19-2020, 08:41 AM
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Don't do it. Safeguard your sobriety. I would be thrilled to say I had 2.5 years right now.
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Old 05-19-2020, 01:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Lpg View Post
Ive not touched any booze in 2 and a half years...I keep questioning if maybe things would be different now, maybe iv matured alot and I wouldn't drink the way I used to before.
The affliction of alcoholism progresses, even if you are not consuming alcohol. So if you was to return to drinking, in no time it would be like you never stopped. Please don't test that premise.
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Old 05-19-2020, 02:00 PM
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Whenever someone mentions moderation I think of my favorite thread on SR. It was penned by the illustrious lessgravity:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oderation.html (My guide to moderation)

This says it all.
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Old 05-19-2020, 03:07 PM
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Good back and read some old posts lpg. Remind yourself of the reality and how hard you struggled to be free.

Don't confuse abstinence with control.

I stopped in 2007 but I believe if I pick up a drink today it will very soon be like I never stopped.

You've got a lot to stay sober for

D
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Old 05-19-2020, 03:36 PM
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LPG,

So good to hear from you and sorry for the reason but for me it is weird that you post this now and thanks. I too have been having some of those wild and crazy thoughts after five years so glad to hear I am not alone. So annoying, right?

I realize I dont miss the drinking, because by the end, let's face it, and don't know about you, but my drinking and the events surrounding it and what I did at times was the absolute worse thing that I ever did or happened to me (even worse than my ex and that is saying ALOT) but at moments like these I miss the illusion of drinking. The thought of having a nice X with Y in the Z. Never mind that me having one drink never happened ever and by the end it was never nice, which is why it is an illusion.

Th key for me is to do what my friend Sass says (hey lady) and rememder just how bad the reality of drinking is for us always and forever. It helps me to conciously recall as vividly as possible one especially bad thing that happened at the end of my drinking career whenever the illusion passes through. I have another added policing mechanism in that I cannot lose the trust and respect of my eldest again, which I totally would, but just the memories of what I did is luckily enough to break my illusion (but they are so annoying, after five years, really??)

So lets hang in there together.

Take care.



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Old 05-19-2020, 03:45 PM
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LPG:

Do me a favour; read 35 posts from seven different threads. Focus on what that person is feeling, then, revisit your thoughts on this.


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Old 05-19-2020, 07:19 PM
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LPG,

Congratulations on your years of sobriety.

I was thinking about your contemplation of moderation and Im wondering what it is what you are looking for. Is there something like an experience or emotion you are seeking that you think can only be found in drinking moderate amounts of alcohol?

I know from my days of binge drinking that moderation became unachievable for me. And really, I didn't want to just have a couple of beers back then. What I wanted was to drink like a fish but then not suffer any consequences for doing so. I know now if I were to start drinking I might be able to limit myself to a few for a few times but eventually I'd lose control again. And white knuckling it through a couple of drinks and using extreme self control to only drink 3 beers in 2 hours doesn't sound like a fun way to spend my time.

I used to get a lot of anxiety after drinking and my cure was to drink again. When I stopped, I never felt that morning anxiety of waking up and regretting what I'd done. Nowadays, I might think of how booze "took the edge" off but then I have to remember that it was booze that caused all the anxiety in the first place.

Good luck to you.
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Old 05-19-2020, 10:04 PM
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I do think it might be this weird lockdown, upside world we are in right now, combined with some boredom maybe? It’s an interesting question-if most of us think we could “just have the one or two” drinks. I’ve tried that before and it’s always led to increased cravings and obsessive, frantic thoughts in a fairly short time.
I hope you are doing good and letting the feelings just be feelings, not actions.
Keep us in the loop, ok? Sending you STRONG support!
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Old 05-20-2020, 04:52 AM
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Not thinking of drinking, but I have been kidding around I wanted to grab a bottle. What's the saying a grain of truth in every joke? I think recovery is similar for most of us, and this might be a phase. You me and Sassy have similar time recovered, we are all experiencing similar issues. I always look when I am having issues at those close to me in time. It helps me remember, we all go through similar feelings at similar times in sobriety and this shall pass and we will see the other side. Only works if the people got through it, not if they relapsed, don't follow them. We see people fall off at 2.5 years, they don't make it through this phase.
Just remind yourself, if I could have moderated, I wouldn't be abstaining now. If I didn't have issues with alcohol, I would never have become an alcoholic and do I really want to find out? Because there are a gazillion stories of others who tried and didn't make it back. Sobriety is a gift, it needs to be treasured and nurtured because we might not be given it again.
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