I'm new and just need to talk
 

I'm not sure how I wound up on this page. This is my first post on here and I'm not even sure what to say. I've wanted and tried to stop drinking for years. I had 33 days once, then convinced myself I could drink like a normal person. It took less than a week before I started to binge again. I am so frustrated and angry with myself. I don't understand why I always pick up the bottle after telling myself I am not going to drink today. I don't even think too much about it really. Just start drinking without a care... until the next morning when my kids get me up at 7 am and I have to make them breakfast with another hangover. I think I hide my hangovers well... I try not to be grouchy with them and remind myself they are not the reason I feel like hell.

The part of all this that really has me the most frustrated is that I desperately WANT to stop drinking... but I also DON'T want to stop drinking. I just want to drink like a normal person and have 1 or 2 drinks and be done. But that's not me, it never has been really. I started drinking at 17 and the goal has always been to get as buzzed as possible. I know I can't drink in moderation. I've tried it and quite honestly it's exhausting. Trying to keep count of drinks and wondering what days I should or shouldn't drink. Trying to force myself to stop after the second drink and not feeling satisfied. Sorry this is a lot longer than I intended. I just feel defeated and I don't know that I will ever be able to beat this.

Welcome, and you're expressing feelings that many of us here have had. Most of us have tried to moderate our drinking, and failed. As you said, it's exhausting. Stopping drinking completely is easier, and you will see the benefits of not drinking before too long. I hope you decide to stop drinking, and I know you will find lots of support here.

Yeah, kja we all have gone through what you're going through to some extent. Some worse, some less.

As Anna said, it's far easier to just wave the white flag and surrender the fight. Sobriety is pretty awesome in every way. Welcome to the site, keep reading and please continue to share your thoughts.

Welcome kja!


post often.

This is what makes me so happy I no longer drink, and whenever I think a drink might be nice, this is enough to keep me away - you cannot believe the freedom you will have and you totally can beat this - if we did you can, believe me:
I know I can't drink in moderation. I've tried it and quite honestly it's exhausting. Trying to keep count of drinks and wondering what days I should or shouldn't drink. Trying to force myself to stop after the second drink and not feeling satisfied.

Welcome and thank you for posting.

You helped me out today. The whole thing about moderation... It truly is exhausting and I don't even want to think about that anymore. I am early in sobriety for this millionth try and still get thoughts in my head but hanging around here reminds me what the truth is.

1 - Oh yeah been there done that way too many times but today I woke up sober.
2 - Hiding hangovers gets harder with each passing year
3 - Understand
4 - Me too but I finally gave up on the normal concept. It took a long time.
5 - Yes moderating really is exhausting isn't it?
6 - You can beat this. Don't give up.

Welcome to SR. You may think you are not normal but you are pretty close to normal for our SR group. Please stick around.

Hi
you remind me of an alcoholic. You're just like me and all the other people at AA.
I got sober there when I learned I couldn't get sober by myself.
As an alcoholic I neither can nor want to drink like a normal person. So screw moderation. It doesn't work for alcoholics. And a normal person wouldn't even get the idea to do so.

Just go to AA and get sorted out. It's the solution for a lot of people. It works.

kja, i didn’t understand why i always drank again after firmly deciding not to.

still don’t really understand it; it is irrational.

in the end, accepting it, accepting i would never drink differently, accepting i was a drunk....that is where my turnaround happened. i didn’t need to understand it, i just needed to know, really know, that it was so.

I had 33 days once, then convinced myself I could drink like a normal person. It took less than a week before I started to binge again.

That sounds like a lot of us, looks like you found the right website.

Welcome to Sober Recovery, this place can help you get, and stay sober.

I was in miserable shape when I found this website many years ago, and recently passed the 10 year sobriety mark. I say that with humility as there is nothing special about me. But you can do it too. Reading and posting almost daily, especially in the beginning was very helpful in getting sober. Try it!

You have written the story of most of us here.
And thank you for that.
We need to hear it sometimes and you clearly needed to say it.
So what now?
Today I spoke to my daughter about my drinking. She says things like, "I forgive you". I tell her that she should not forgive me. That she should be pissed at me. But she says she's not. I mumbled something about secrets being dirty little things and how I'm open to talking about it because I owe her that.
Who the hell knows what the right thing to do is, anymore?

how are things going kja?

D