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Old 05-12-2020, 11:05 AM
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Update

Hi All,

I posted about 2 weeks ago looking for the perspective of alcoholics on my alcoholic boyfriend's behavior......I appreciated all the feedback and just wanted to update everyone and yes get some "insider" view on his latest antics. Upfront I will say, I have decided to cut ties based on this.....but I am still feeling a bit hurt and confused by what he did, questioning what was real and not.....

So, history here---a few times during this relationship, M made some very provocative statements (always when middle of the night shitfaced drunk, vs. you know his day time happy drinking) which when pushed on it he would say, "I am just f$%^ing with you! Oh my you are so easy to tease, lol." One of those statements was, "I am married. She lives in PA." When he first said this, I was like um WTF, you are joking right? And he said no...I pushed back, well, technically I am still married, so...and a bit of back and forth and he said, no I am not married. I was. Been divorced 8 years....He said it a second time and it was still she lives in PA, but now she is a nurse and she has an autistic son. Then again when I pushed & said ok I am out, he staring me in the eye, would grin and say, no, I an NOT remarried. Last week while hanging out he said he had bought a house in Pasadena, MD, was moving there because he was about to lose his house in VA. Now---he has been struggling with foreclosure and bankruptcy, so I actually believed this. Told him that was great, get a fresh start, new place, sober life. He laughed and said, oh my god, I did NOT buy a house! After all the **** I have done to save this one, I am never moving. The next day, when he was only one beer in, I asked him----so the new house in Pasadena? How do you come up with this ****? He said, yeah, you can't listen to me when I am drunk. Usually there is a backstory and a little fact in there to make the ******** more believable, like it COULD be real but it isn't.

You can guess where I am going. He has been almost silent since sending me away to get drunk the other night. Last night around midnight he texted "I need to die." So, yeah, stupid codependent me starts texting him how he can't give up, blah blah....He calls and says ok yeah I am out drinking, I am not out with other women doing ****. But we need to talk when I get home about the stuff I told you when I was drunk. He got home and called. Said he is actually married. Happened a little over a year ago. They knew each other all of 2 months. Haven't ever lived together. Hasn't seen her since November. But yes, I am married. How he will miss me....he is sorry. At first I was still like, wait, you are messing with me. This makes no sense. I have seen zero sign of a woman in his house. I have stayed at his house on weekends, weekdays.....he took me to all his local hangouts and introduced me as his girlfriend. I ran his name through 2 different background check sites and they both said he is divorced and single. He told me her name, said she is a nurse in Lancaster County...he said great now you are going to research her and tell her you have been ******* her husband and it's going to be a whole thing and cause me drama. I said, no I am not going to do that...why would i? He said, really I think you would, why wouldn't you?....and he just looked confused. And then he said, Why aren't you crying? I really expected you to be more upset....I said, I am all cried out over you M. I have spent the last few days crying over you and worried about you and wanting to get you help. I can't cry anymore.

This went on for a bit...I told him wTF were you doing on a dating app? He said, we aren't together, I don't see her, we don't live together. I said you could have been honest---he said I did tell you, and you refused to believe me. I told you a few times. I said, twice, when drunk. And then insisted you were lying. I said, you told me to hurry up and get my divorce so I can marry you. Just last week. Why say that **** if you are married? Why do I need to hurry? And he said well cause mine will be super quick....I said ok, then do it. I don't understand why you stay married to someone you never see and don't love. He said ok and then we start dating again once our two divorces are final. And then back to , "you deserve so much better. you should hate me. Do you hate me? I am a drunk and I will probably kill myself one of these days....You need to forget about me and move on. I am married." And then he is showing me his new sheets on the bed and how he misses me....how she is abusive, she freaked out on him the last time she was in town because she saw a woman texted him and she jumped on top of him at the bar (again, same bar we went to multiple times and introduced me to people as his girlfriend), started beating the **** out of him and they had to pull her off. If true, WTF why wouldn't you divorce or start it? A few mins before that when I asked if he wanted to be with her he said "the thing is when she comes down here everyone loves her, she is hot, all the guys want to be with her." And how he really, really wants to be with me, but he is married. "I am ******* married, we can't be together." And then again, well, I never see her, we aren't together---ok, so do you love her, do you want to stay? Hesitates and says she gets all the tax benefit, I don't get any benefit. (Um, how woudl that even work? )

At the end of the last call he said something about how I need to read up on his disease and I said, what's the point now?
I hung up on him (he called back and I didn't answer) and since sent a long text basically saying he is a coward, I am super humiliated.....how I am sure this woman probably thinks they are in a real marriage.....and that he doesn't have to worry about me contacting her. Told him I feel like our relationship was just a twisted game or joke to him and that breaks my heart...Why bother contacting her?

So.....I have since googled the name he gave me and nada. Zip. I ran his name through the background check sites again, under PA instead of VA. Nothing. I get that maybe she doesn't use his last name....but why would he tell me her first name plus his last name?

I am done with this guy....but...holy crap. My head is spinning....I feel humiliated. I feel like a moron for falling for this.....he is someone's husband?! Or is this some new messed up mind game? As in, he dated someone who lives in Lancaster (which his puppy that is 1 1/2 yrs old, he did tell me he got her in PA and I always said, oh huh, well why or how did you find her? And he said this girl I knew was like you should get this puppy....sigh)....when I asked him her name, he hesitated a bit and I thought, a ha! he is going to say he is messing with me...instead he gave me a name, Chrissy. He said, remember I called you Chrissy the one night I was really messed up. Another twisted way to push me away? Or to see how much I am willing to tolerate?? What possible benefit could this person get from this marriage to him, I mean he had a good job...but he is going bankrupt, into foreclosure, had his DUI (around the time of this "marriage")...Why would a nurse need to marry someone for benefits?? I asked (or tried to, remember this is middle of the night, he is drunk, I am in shock) for more info on WTF how does this even work or make sense and I expected him to mention the autistic kid again, but he did not...he just kept repeating the same line about knowing each other two months, hasn't seen her in a while, we don't live together....my best friend said maybe she married him and realized what a mess he is and that's why she never moved in with him or vice versa....I said yeah, but then you get a divorce and go on with life. WTF.

Again, just don't even know what to think or feel..... And naturally he has ignored my text.....I guess I was hoping for an "I am sorry".

I feel nauseous. Someone in my other thread mentioned he sounded like he has sociopathic tendencies.....is that what this is? I am trying to process this all and don't know where to start or....god....I trusted him. Even if he was a disaster as a boyfriend, I thought we had a friendship and he constantly swore he would never cheat, he would never **** me over so I should relax....

I have disconnected from him totally.....but my close friends and counselor go back and forth on whether this is reality or just another mind game. In the end it doesn't matter, but I am trying to wrap my head around how someone could hide this and just wanted to throw that out for comment----how fantastical does the lying and manipulation get with this disease? He also is anorexic and has issues with OCD and anxiety and depression.....
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Old 05-12-2020, 11:13 AM
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Oh, and because I have been asked this....

M is 46 years old. He divorced his first wife 8 years ago, two kids he got full custody of.....

What I don't get is why he didn't tell me this upfront. I mean, on our first date he asked, how long have you been divorced? I said, well, I am technically just separated, started the divorce process but legally I am married. And that is when he said he had been divorced 8 years....at that point in time it would have been perfectly natural to say, yeah, I am too but she lives out of state, we need to resolve our situation, etc.

Ugh....
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Old 05-12-2020, 11:59 AM
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Every second you waste renting space out in your head to this guy is a wasted seconds. Answers to why he's doing what he's doing is never going to satisfy or bring you peace. Only moving on will.
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Old 05-23-2020, 07:49 AM
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Sounds like a classic narcassist/sociopath. Run!!!!
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Old 05-28-2020, 11:12 AM
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You can hire a private investigator to get you all the answers. It's not that expensive (money well worth spent) and you will have your answers and you can move on. At this point, you truly do not know who he is. This could be a Lifetime Movie!
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