Living with enablers during covid lockdowns
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 86
Living with enablers during covid lockdowns
Hi all again.
I must announce that the week before last my alcohol consumption was down, I was so close to getting a weeks break from drinking. The reason; my folks, people I live with were not drinking, the temptation wasn't there. It made a MASSIVE degree of difference.
Unfortunately, my parents are in a pattern of drinking almost daily, I have to put-up with the sound of popping cans, the pouring of wine and the aroma of wine (combined with all the other stressors, isolation and desire to escape life).
What's more, my mother on occasion sends me down the shop because she's too embarrassed to be seen buying beer. If you've vowed to yourself not to drink & take a break, that can be nigh-impossible to resist.
It's a rock and hard place, I can vow not to drink & have a break, be thinking about it all day, but once that temptation is there a) I either white-knuckle it through or b) get enough that I wouldn't risk finishing their leftovers.
That week a few things happened a) dad became mindful about his weight and diabetes b) I mentioned to them that I wanted a break from alcohol (many reasons, excercise and hope of flat stomach being one of many) and that their drinking didn't help me in my attempts to take a break.
One problem with this is that they're often not very supportive or understanding. I get told things like 'you're not trying very hard are you', got all these books, I've been going to meetings, watching all these youtube videos. Being told 'you;re not doing very well are you', 'you're learning all this stuff but aren't applying it very well'. I get really unsupportive comments like that when I say I would like a break, yet there's no discussion of alternatives to alcohol & other ways of coping.
I brought this up in the last SMART meeting before the lockdown, many people agreed that those sorts of things are horrible things to say. We discussed goals of how to confront enabling people, which I did during that week mentioned.
The thing was, my dad was particularly mindful about his weight, his condition, what the doctor had said. The weather was nice and I had also been getting back into exercising. Not having that temptation there and that LOOONG agonising white-knuckling wait forcing myself to avoid drinking, that really helped.
The best strategy is not to have the temptation in the house. Here I am
******* immersed in it. Even if I want a break even for a week, I'm
SWAMPED in it.
When I have FORCED myself not to during those times, the outcome is that I've found the experience UTTERLY MISERABLE and wanted it even more the next time. Going off on a slight different topic here. Still, being swamped in temptation doesn't help. Being away from temptation makes a huge difference, really does make life easier.
What are some ways of coping with living with enabling people & especially with unhelpful and unsupportive comments?
I must announce that the week before last my alcohol consumption was down, I was so close to getting a weeks break from drinking. The reason; my folks, people I live with were not drinking, the temptation wasn't there. It made a MASSIVE degree of difference.
Unfortunately, my parents are in a pattern of drinking almost daily, I have to put-up with the sound of popping cans, the pouring of wine and the aroma of wine (combined with all the other stressors, isolation and desire to escape life).
What's more, my mother on occasion sends me down the shop because she's too embarrassed to be seen buying beer. If you've vowed to yourself not to drink & take a break, that can be nigh-impossible to resist.
It's a rock and hard place, I can vow not to drink & have a break, be thinking about it all day, but once that temptation is there a) I either white-knuckle it through or b) get enough that I wouldn't risk finishing their leftovers.
That week a few things happened a) dad became mindful about his weight and diabetes b) I mentioned to them that I wanted a break from alcohol (many reasons, excercise and hope of flat stomach being one of many) and that their drinking didn't help me in my attempts to take a break.
One problem with this is that they're often not very supportive or understanding. I get told things like 'you're not trying very hard are you', got all these books, I've been going to meetings, watching all these youtube videos. Being told 'you;re not doing very well are you', 'you're learning all this stuff but aren't applying it very well'. I get really unsupportive comments like that when I say I would like a break, yet there's no discussion of alternatives to alcohol & other ways of coping.
I brought this up in the last SMART meeting before the lockdown, many people agreed that those sorts of things are horrible things to say. We discussed goals of how to confront enabling people, which I did during that week mentioned.
The thing was, my dad was particularly mindful about his weight, his condition, what the doctor had said. The weather was nice and I had also been getting back into exercising. Not having that temptation there and that LOOONG agonising white-knuckling wait forcing myself to avoid drinking, that really helped.
The best strategy is not to have the temptation in the house. Here I am
******* immersed in it. Even if I want a break even for a week, I'm
SWAMPED in it.
When I have FORCED myself not to during those times, the outcome is that I've found the experience UTTERLY MISERABLE and wanted it even more the next time. Going off on a slight different topic here. Still, being swamped in temptation doesn't help. Being away from temptation makes a huge difference, really does make life easier.
What are some ways of coping with living with enabling people & especially with unhelpful and unsupportive comments?
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Given these are somewhat unique times I can sympathize with your situation. You really have no choice about moving out,as I understand it, you have to stay where you are due to the CCP virus rules.
When I first got sober I was similarly constrained but for economic reasons. I had been sleeping rough and didn't have two cents to rub together. My parents kindly took me back in and I stayed there long enough to get on my feet. A couple of months or so.
They both drank. It turned out my mother was alcoholic though I really only became aware of that as I began to sober up and learn a bit about alcoholism.
I remember though on one occasion they expressed that they wanted to help me and asked if I thought they should stop drinking. The thought came to me "Who exactly has the problem"? Would them changing their habits fix my problem? And come to think of it, was there any way I could get everyone else to adjust their behavior to suit me?
I quickly realized that the problem was mine and mine alone, and it never made any difference in the past what anyone else said or did, I still drank. External changes never fixed my internal problem. So I told them there was no need to change their lives on my account.
A saying in the AA book to the effect that we can get sober regardless of anything, the only condition being to trust God, clean house and help others, proved to be true.
When I first got sober I was similarly constrained but for economic reasons. I had been sleeping rough and didn't have two cents to rub together. My parents kindly took me back in and I stayed there long enough to get on my feet. A couple of months or so.
They both drank. It turned out my mother was alcoholic though I really only became aware of that as I began to sober up and learn a bit about alcoholism.
I remember though on one occasion they expressed that they wanted to help me and asked if I thought they should stop drinking. The thought came to me "Who exactly has the problem"? Would them changing their habits fix my problem? And come to think of it, was there any way I could get everyone else to adjust their behavior to suit me?
I quickly realized that the problem was mine and mine alone, and it never made any difference in the past what anyone else said or did, I still drank. External changes never fixed my internal problem. So I told them there was no need to change their lives on my account.
A saying in the AA book to the effect that we can get sober regardless of anything, the only condition being to trust God, clean house and help others, proved to be true.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
If you've vowed to yourself not to drink & take a break, that can be nigh-impossible to resist
Especially if you think so.
Maybe it would help if you stopped making promises to yourself, vowing that you will not drink, for example? "Forcing" yourself not to drink, and then punishing yourself for not being perfect. It sounds a lot like that "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting..." thing.
You're under a lot of pressure as it is; self-criticism only makes it much more difficult than it otherwise might be. Compassion for yourself would probably be a lot better. Or so I'm told.
And why wouldn't you feel miserable being stuck inside with people who are hypercritical of you and offer no support? It sounds more like antagonism to me. It can damage our motivation and leave us treading water. If we're lucky.
So you've identified some of the challenges you face, which I think is better than not knowing.
That's a good start.
You're already doing a lot of things that will help you stay sane and sober. Keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 307
Hi, Vulcan. You're not alone in this (your situation), believe me. Read a few of my first posts and you'll understand what I mean. Two things help me to keep going: 1) Knowing that this (my situation) is temporary and that it - again, in my case - can only get better. 2) Knowing that no matter how bad my situation, there's always someone who is worse off - even a LOT worse off.
I've learned to live/cope with my parent's drinking (both alcoholics); I think it's a subconscious sort of "defense mechanism" really. Whatever - it kicks in after some time and has made me almost impervious to my surrounds and the people in it. I live for the day I can get out of here and start LIVING again.
One day at a time, remember, and the best of luck.
I've learned to live/cope with my parent's drinking (both alcoholics); I think it's a subconscious sort of "defense mechanism" really. Whatever - it kicks in after some time and has made me almost impervious to my surrounds and the people in it. I live for the day I can get out of here and start LIVING again.
One day at a time, remember, and the best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
The problem isn't the "enablers", it's you. Your parents are adults. They can do whatever they want. They can say whatever they want. You, I presume, are an adult too. You, too, can do whatever you want. And if you don't like the situation, you can leave. If financially you can't leave, that's your problem to solve, not theirs.
I drank for over 20 years. I don't believe there is such a thing as an enabler. I had the power to choose to drink, and I had the power to quit, which I've done for 366 days now. Start thinking of yourself as more powerful and start thinking less about other people. Your parents have been the focus of your posts before. YOU are the problem and YOU are solution. Don't give other people your power. It's YOURS.
I drank for over 20 years. I don't believe there is such a thing as an enabler. I had the power to choose to drink, and I had the power to quit, which I've done for 366 days now. Start thinking of yourself as more powerful and start thinking less about other people. Your parents have been the focus of your posts before. YOU are the problem and YOU are solution. Don't give other people your power. It's YOURS.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Originally Posted by Sohard 
The problem isn't the "enablers", it's you. Your parents are adults. They can do whatever they want. They can say whatever they want. You, I presume, are an adult too. You, too, can do whatever you want. And if you don't like the situation, you can leave. If financially you can't leave, that's your problem to solve, not theirs.
I drank for over 20 years. I don't believe there is such a thing as an enabler. I had the power to choose to drink, and I had the power to quit, which I've done for 366 days now. Start thinking of yourself as more powerful and start thinking less about other people. Your parents have been the focus of your posts before. YOU are the problem and YOU are solution. Don't give other people your power. It's YOURS.
I drank for over 20 years. I don't believe there is such a thing as an enabler. I had the power to choose to drink, and I had the power to quit, which I've done for 366 days now. Start thinking of yourself as more powerful and start thinking less about other people. Your parents have been the focus of your posts before. YOU are the problem and YOU are solution. Don't give other people your power. It's YOURS.
Where I am at the moment with this lock down thing, I would risk arrest and prosecution if I were to up sticks and leave at the moment.
I am also one of those alcoholics who lost the power of choice in drink. The first thing I thought of when my drinking became problematic was to just stop. I made that choice many times and failed every time. The needed power was not there. For some of us it is not so much about making a choice as it is about having the power to make the choice stick.
I struggle to think of a single well meaning individual on my journey who did not try to encourage me to quit, telling me to use my will power, expressing faith that I had the ability to pull it off, just make up my mind, etc etc. People I respected and whose advice I really wanted to follow. Imagine the despair I felt when I found no matter how great the wish or desire, I could not escape.
When they told me I had the power, though they didn't know it, they were telling me a lie. When some AAs came a long and said they could help me find the Power, that was quite a different story.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Originally Posted by Gottalife
I am also one of those alcoholics who lost the power of choice in drink.
I struggle to think of a single well meaning individual on my journey who did not try to encourage me to quit, telling me to use my will power, expressing faith that I had the ability to pull it off, just make up my mind, etc etc. People I respected and whose advice I really wanted to follow. Imagine the despair I felt when I found no matter how great the wish or desire, I could not escape.
When they told me I had the power, though they didn't know it, they were telling me a lie. When some AAs came a long and said they could help me find the Power, that was quite a different story.
I struggle to think of a single well meaning individual on my journey who did not try to encourage me to quit, telling me to use my will power, expressing faith that I had the ability to pull it off, just make up my mind, etc etc. People I respected and whose advice I really wanted to follow. Imagine the despair I felt when I found no matter how great the wish or desire, I could not escape.
When they told me I had the power, though they didn't know it, they were telling me a lie. When some AAs came a long and said they could help me find the Power, that was quite a different story.
I hear you.And I certainly respect your point of view. I know we all have different experiences, philosophies, tools, etc. But, from the way I see it (which I'm not saying is the right way, I'm just saying is my way), all recovering alcoholics (which Vulcan hopes to be) have "lost the power of choice in drink", as you stated you did. That, to me, is the definition of an alcoholic.
I definitely don't think will power is enough or just making a choice is that simple. I think a person needs to really change their whole viewpoint of everything. The entire world, even. If you go back over Vulcan's posts, he has blamed everything from his parents, to the coronavirus, to being single for his drinking. For the record, I'm not judging this. It is easier to point fingers than to look inward. So, I'm not saying Vulcan simply has the power and the choice to stop drinking and it's all that easy. If it was that easy, everyone would do it. But step #1 (again, in my mind) is admitting you have a problem. If you don't do that, you can't fix it. And the problem is only 1 thing: the addict. Not the pandemic. Not drinking parents. Not being single. Once Vulvan fully internalizes that, he can have some real progress. Then, he might very well be able to use the power he definitely does have (we all have free will) to quit drinking, and he just might be successful.
I am with a drinking parent. I am single. I am living during the pandemic. And I am sober. The ONLY reason I am sober is because I FINALLY realized that I have the power. That is the hard part - realizing you have the power. But, if Vulcan can stop looking for things that are holding him back and start focusing on what can move him forward, I think great progress would be made. Just my opinion.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
I don't understand why this has to be so complicated.
Vulcan...you have been making excuses for 4 years.
This is another one.
Put down the booze and you either wanna be sober more than you wanna be drunk or you don't. Simple as that.
I'm not trying to be a d#$k but when are sober actions gonna out weigh drunk excuses?
Maybe come up with a plan for that?
Vulcan...you have been making excuses for 4 years.
This is another one.
Put down the booze and you either wanna be sober more than you wanna be drunk or you don't. Simple as that.
I'm not trying to be a d#$k but when are sober actions gonna out weigh drunk excuses?
Maybe come up with a plan for that?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 86
Not having alcohol in the house definitely helps, not having people drinking aroud you definitely helps. We all know the well know tip 'don't keep alcohol in the house'.
I want to mention to them that I don't want it, remind my parent's of their reasons to cut down, weight loss. The only thing that makes me ambivalent 'what if I want it'?
It has been helpful last time I've mentioned it to my parents
RE "could you get people to adjust their behaviour to suit me" the answer is "yes", if that behaviour change benefits them too or makes them mindful that their own behaviour benefits them.
American individualism has it's place, but it goes too far when it doesn't acknowledge those sorts of points such as the one made above. I get the rationale, identify where you can make changes, it's not a binary about blaming yourself vs. the world.
Anyway, I'll resume soon, I'm pretty knackered now.
Tanks all.
I want to mention to them that I don't want it, remind my parent's of their reasons to cut down, weight loss. The only thing that makes me ambivalent 'what if I want it'?
It has been helpful last time I've mentioned it to my parents
RE "could you get people to adjust their behaviour to suit me" the answer is "yes", if that behaviour change benefits them too or makes them mindful that their own behaviour benefits them.
American individualism has it's place, but it goes too far when it doesn't acknowledge those sorts of points such as the one made above. I get the rationale, identify where you can make changes, it's not a binary about blaming yourself vs. the world.
Anyway, I'll resume soon, I'm pretty knackered now.
Tanks all.
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