BeckoningCat

I made this thread to remind myself to be honest, open and reach out for real human support instead of multiple bottles of wine.

I made this thread so I am not doing the thing where I shut down, hide in my room, get drunk alone, then make crazy attempts to ask for support after I've isolated myself, behaved erratically, and pushed others away.

I made this thread so I ask for support as a sober person, whether that means just talking to people here, going to an on-line meeting, or getting over myself and reaching out to people in real life and taking the risk of rejection as a sober person.

I am occasionally a social drinker, but my binge drinking is destructive because I isolate and drink alone. I made alcohol my imaginary best friend so I didn't have to open up and take risks with other people while I'm still sober enough to feel the full effect of emotions.

BeckoningCat

That's why my initial recovery plan was helpful, but didn't solve my real problem. It still focused so heavily on self-reliance and being a loner. You know - meditate, exercise, do work, distract myself - all of those things are good and helpful and I still need those too but the critical piece I was missing was really being vulnerable and reaching out to other people. As someone who drinks alone it was probably obvious to everyone but me that that's a key piece in my sobriety.


I finally understand why people go to meetings or do AA. It's not just because they're social drinkers and need a place to socialize besides a bar, it's because even people like me who drink alone need support too. That's why I am turning to a bottle of wine (or two) in the first place, so I can cope without having to take a risk of opening up to other people fully aware of everything.


I think part of what helped me realize this was the reality of my particular real-life situation at this moment, but also during an on-line meeting, someone who used to isolate and drink alone shared his story and how coming to meetings and meeting other people really helped him get sober and stay sober. Other people also shared that realizing they weren't unique or alone was fundamental to finding sanity and sobriety.

Dee74

Support, and using it, certainly made a world of difference for me, BC
D

Purplrks3647

Glad you reached out, BC! ......Just wanted to invite you to check out the Soberbus thread in this forum if you'd like some extra support....we're a bunch of silly goofballs in there ...Plus are you familiar with Annie Grace?....She's the author of This Naked Mind and creator of "The Alcohol Experiment" based on her book....It's helped me a lot with my current stage in recovery......Stay close!

BeckoningCat

Thank you so much prpl! Yes I was looking into Annie Grace but I kind of dropped off there. I will make more of an effort now and in the future.

BeckoningCat

Checking in to say I have consistently attended on-line meetings for the past 3 nights, as well as posting here.

Dee74

Thats a great start BC

BeckoningCat

Thank you Dee! I appreciate the support!


I had a great session with my therapist today, so I am still connecting with others. I feel better physically and mentally with each day sober (it's only been 3 completely AF though my binge was 4 days ago). For the past 2 days I've been productive again and am feeling some hope.

Purplrks3647

You sound good BC ~~~ Small bits of gratitude + mindfulness make a huge difference (I have to keep reminding myself of that too, lol)

BeckoningCat

Thank you Purpl! I feel totally normal and good today. It took me about four days to get here because I was not in a good place, but I am grateful to be here today.


I didn't go to a meeting last night, but it wasn't because I drank, I was just feeling tired so I just did some self-care, watched a movie, and went to sleep. I got the best night sleep I have had this week.
I have already also walked 2 miles today!

soberandhonest

Just a word of encouragement SC! You’re doing great. This is a good place! And ... you have the coolest username around!

BeckoningCat

Ha ha! Thank you! That's very kind of you.

BeckoningCat

Here's what I am thinking about today: that my compulsion is for a potentially deadly substance instead of food or sex, which are considered normal things that people need.


This narrative in AA, that the alcoholic doesn't want to admit he is not like his fellows - well what about the person who eats 5 Big Macs in a row to puke it up? Or the person who hires prostitutes or watches porn all day? They EVENTUALLY have to learn to moderate their food intake or masturbation/sex habits because it's not humanly possible unless you want to starve yourself or be sexually frustrated and alone for the rest of your life.


I'm thinking about this because I've had therapists repeatedly tell me I have a poor coping mechanism and they won't diagnose me as an alcoholic (it's not even a diagnosis by the way - not any more - now it's called alcohol use/abuse disorder and has an entire spectrum).

Also, my particular obsession almost has the flavor of an eating disorder. I prefer wine strongly. I like the taste of wine, the ritual of it, and do not just pound shots of vodka to get drunk as quickly as possible.

So here's what I've been advised: I need to stop drinking for a year, because I'm not going to learn new coping patterns in less than 90 days.

I know of more than woman who overcame anorexia by becoming an ethical vegan. People do overcome their eating disorders with mindful eating if they stop viewing it as a method of dealing with their emotions.

I don't have any solid conclusions, but this is why I don't know if AA is right for me. The meetings were temporarily helpful when I felt anxious and alone, but gong to a meeting every single day for 90 days sounds exhausting. I do not have the extroversion for something like that. It wouldn't help me. It would scare me away.

So okay fine I go a couple times a week, then. What is working the steps? Because frankly, what I am thinking it is now, is teaching people healthy ways to cope with their feelings. So that they don't drink or drug or compulsively watch porn to "deal with" their feelings.


That's what dry drunk means. It means a person who avoids alcohol but still is miserable in their feelings because they haven't developed other ways to cope. It isn't some magical answer that only AA has. It's just that when AA was created most people weren't even college educated, or in therapy, so the therapists or counselors couldn't just explain to them what I know: that you have a ****** time with your feelings because of trauma/abuse/PTSD/mental illness/bad relationships/loneliness/etc and these 12 steps will teach you healthier methods of coping.


That's what "higher power" is about too. If someone is an atheist and they don't believe in higher power, where does that leave them? Well, religion is ritualistic and has been proven to improve people's mental health, largely because of the social support and community, but also likely due to the stress relieving effects of meditation or prayer.

I'm not downing on AA. It helped my grandpa quit drinking, and I know it helps a lot of people.

I just want to find the way that's really going to help me. What I have discovered for myself this time around, is that I have to listen to my therapists and take AT LEAST a year off, because I won't learn healthier ways to cope with my bs in 30, 60 or 90 days.


I also need more social support, and need to stop isolating. Whatever that means, even if it isn't meetings.

BeckoningCat

Also I sometimes go into the "friends and family" section because one of my closest family members was a horrible drug addict who harmed my family when I was younger, NA didn't help her even when she went every day, and the doctors eventually told another family member it was because of her underlying personality disorder, she had co-morbidity. And that's a lot of what I see in the "friends and family" section here. Some of it is about straight up addiction, some of it is whining about what terrible human beings addicts are when it's very possible they're actually just living with a malignant Narcissist or sociopath (ASPD) or schizophrenic - and newsflash - NO every alcoholic is NOT a "narcissist" or "sociopath." Actually Borderline Personality Disorder (people who can still experience empathy) are actually folks are who are most likely to have co-morbidity with addiction.

I think there's a lot of assumptions that AA and Al-Anon are giving people that are not scientifically valid anymore and are not aligned with current findings in psychology and psychiatry.


I think AA gets it right with the community/social support, teaching people healthier coping methods (forgiveness, accountability, self-acceptance, etc) but I think in other ways what they perpetuate may be destructive in some cases.

I am struggling with this today. Because I admit and accept I need my own support community. I may look into the Buddhist organizations for recovery, or try SMART meetings again.

Dee74

There's a reason why we're not all one big forum .

Newcomers here, no matter if they're here for themselves or for someone they love, have a journey of growth ahead of them.

I don;t know your story BC but I remember as a brand new member here looking in the F & F forums and feeling like very few of the people there had the right approach or the right answers.

I felt that way in the 12 step forums too.

Looking back I think I was a little too raw in my own wounds to go reading too much amongst other peoples pain then.
I have no reluctance to send folks to the 'other side' here at SR - there's great recovery and advice there too - just as there is here
D

BeckoningCat

I just think there might be a tendency to put all addiction or alcohol abuse in one big box. Like some people think if you question anything it must be the "Alcoholic voice" or people who legitimately might be living with a disturbed narcissistic or sociopathic abuser are saying it's the substance abuse. Ok. I lived with someone with untreated mental illness who self-medicated sometimes with prescription pills. I did go through that phase where I thought it was the pills. The healthiest thing for me to learn is that he was either traumatized/PTSD from childhood abuse from his father, or had an untreated mental illness. Every addict or substance abuser is not the same, and while some people get exponentially better when they stop using, other people have other issues.


Like my family member, who psychiatrists basically said was a lost cause. She had a loss of oxygen supply at birth for a few minutes, was kind of a bully even as a child, and so no NA wasn't going to help her recover without serious psychiatric attention and cooperation on her part. And no, I do not believe all drug users and abusers are as sick and as cruel and selfish as she was.

Part of the reason I isolate when I drink is because I don't want other people to hurt me, but also because I don't want to hurt other people. It may come as a shock to some people who think in stereotypes, but all people with a compulsion to drink or use aren't looking for other people to hurt. Some of us are actually pretty extremely self-aware. I actively chose not to have children because of my family background and because my ex was not a suitable father. I have done tremendous work on myself. I am not the guy who blames everyone else for his problems stumbling blindly into AA.


I'm looking here: https://recoverydharma.online/

I accept the need for social support or community or group therapy now. I just have to find one that I don't feel is insulting my intelligence.

Dee74

You don't think maybe you're projecting some of your own annoyance and frustration at being pigeonholed into some of the things you're reading?
I think everyone has to find a way that makes sense to them.I hope Recovery Dharma works for you BC.
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BeckoningCat

I don't think you understand what I am saying. I am not saying I want to leave SR. Maybe I wasn't clear.

I am saying that I feel the AA way isn't for me after all, after giving it another chance, and I can see how it affects not only people who do 12 steps and how they categorize other users - it may even affect people in al anon who have been trained to see every person with alcohol use disorder as that tired old "1930s alcoholic white husband" stereotype. Lots of people don't fit that stereotype including some white males.

Thank you for being supportive and asking questions Dee. I do appreciate your kindness and support.


I am trying the Dharma recovery meetings since they do not ask people to follow a higher power and they, because they are Buddhists, believe there are a bunch of different individuals finding different ways to solve the same problem. They don't even say they're the only way or the best way or start labeling people as alcoholics. They start with the fundamental truth that all people experience attachment, craving and suffering and that some people are traumatized.

I think that's fantastic. I'll report back here about it.

Dee74

No I didn't think you wanted to leave SR!
I've heard good things about a Buddhist based approach - I really do hope it helps you!
D

Aellyce

I personally didn't find therapy helpful for resolving active alcohol addiction/relapse but it was useful to come to some important realizations and just an interesting exploration for a while. I know many people disagree (especially therapists themselves), but I relate to "I just have to find one that I don't feel is insulting my intelligence". I had a bad experience with a therapist who really did not match me in that way... in fact, we both had a frustrating experience, very incompatible. But it confirmed what I already knew about myself and my needs and next time I looked for one who satisfied my intellect - it turned out a much more fulfilling and helpful experience overall.

I explored various recovery meetings/programs in the past. I liked some aspects of AA but it did not became my favorite. SMART was my number one, followed by Refuge Recovery. Never did them online but it may only be easier now to access these groups that are less abundant than AA in general.