Appreciate your perspective on this situation
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 70
Appreciate your perspective on this situation
Hi All, first time posting here....I have been reading the forums and found them helpful. I waivered between posting here and in the family/friends forum, but decided here because I would appreciate the perspective of people who are alcoholics, either sober or not.....and I apologize for the length. But here goes.
I separated from my husband last year, after one rebound relationship (long story) and a few months single, I signed up for online dating. Had a bunch of first dates that went nowhere.....and then I connected with the subject of this post, I will call him M. M and I hit it off texting right away....he was funny, wicked smart, a dog person as am I. Conversation was effortless. This was 3 months ago now. For the first 6 weeks, we texted daily and facetimed most weeknights for an hour or two at a time. It was a nice change from the other guys I met online who just wanted to hook up on the first date. I didn't even get a kiss until a month in....basically, when we met, I learned two weeks in, he was finishing up his alcohol education classes he needed to take as part of his DUI plea. He also had a restricted license.....we talked the night he finished classes and he said he was grateful for what they taught him and especially the part about relationships. Since his divorce 9 years ago, he hasn't had a long term relationship and went through his wild phase. He said he was too old for that crap now and was looking for a stable, steady relationship......how I was so different than anyone he ever dated in terms of my education and he just feels so at home with me. That for the first time in over a year, he felt hopeful. He said he thought I could do a lot better than him and felt bad even expecting I could commit to dating him when he couldn't drive to even take me on a real date, etc for a few more weeks. That he hoped I wasn't still on the app, he wasn't, but couldn't fault me if I was. I told him that was no big deal......I am a busy person and was enjoying getting to know him. The few times we were together he said he wanted to take the sexual side very slow, because typically he rushed into that and well, that had never worked out before. That was fine with me.
Anyway, after he finished classes, a few times we tried to make weekend plans.....and last min he would bail. An emergency.....or just no answer if I tried to set something up. I started to think he was dating someone else. You here probably guessed it----he was just getting drunk. I realized this soon into it because he started facetiming me drunk. At one point it looked like he was losing his house to foreclosure and again he told me he understood if I bailed. I could do better. I told him that was ridiculous...and he did save the house, FYI, without any $$ from me. He started havign more and more issues at work.....and two weeks ago, he lost his job. The last 6 weeks have been a roller coaster of him finally admitting he is an alcoholic (which he says I am the only person he has ever said those words to and meant them)....saying he is done with the drinking, ready to get healthy, and then going off on a bender and calling me for help. And I went. 3 different times I drove in the middle of the night to drag his ass home when he texted for help. TO hear him say he wants to die....that he is a horrible person and too far gone for help, too far gone to be my boyfriend and that I need to forget him and move on. The final time he did it, I missed his calls and texts and woke up to a series of pleas for help and then finally, "**** you." I texted him and explained what happened and told him I think his reaction was a bit extreme.....he broke up with me. Just sent a text saying "I wish you all the best. Take care." This after just earlier in the week telling me how he never wants to lose me, he knows his drinking is worse than it ever has been and it isn't sustainable---that he loves me, he knows he is hard to read and doesn't make it easy but he loved every aspect of me. After the **** you text, he called drunk and again said he is a horrible person and I need to move on. I deserve better and he was sorry he ws such a ********, he didn't want to break up. I said well I didn't either, so ....? It circled back to, you deserve better. That he didn't know if we could stay friends because he would want to kiss me.
Next day, he texted....and we have been texting ever since. Some days I just get very generic texts----pics of the dogs, memes. Other times it is very personal and reminds me of when we first met and connected (like sending selfies and kiss emojis and saying how sexy I am)....last weekend, I spent the weekend at his place. We slept in the same bed and he put his arm around me....but didn't try anything. He is still drinking, but a lot less....he is however, very depressed because he is waiting for his new job to start, so money is low. The state is still in a stay at home status, so no where to really go out to do anything...he did get his full license back.
SO....my questions for you all..... 1). Is there any chance he meant anything he said about what he felt for me and what he wanted?
2)We were intimate a few times, but yes, it is an issue for him because of the drinking, even with pills to help, it didn't go well.....but all I heard from him (when he drinks) was about all the crazy sex he had with all these women, which makes me feel like it is something wrong with me. As a newly single person, that is a bit of a self esteem crusher....how likely is it that it is the addiction causing his lack of interest in sex?
3) related to #2.....is he even romantically interested in me anymore? It seems impossible that someone could go from daily declarations of love, talking about a future together to friend zone, but again, been out of the dating game a long time so, I don't know. Or is it just the addiction that leads to this hot and cold behavior??
4) I am torn between writing him off totally...and maybe if we weren't in the middle of covid, I would have already. But, I do feel like we had a deep connection that formed when he wasn't so sick and I know he doesn't really have any positive people in his circle. Suggestions on how to stay in his life without him thinking I am pushing for a "normal" relationship...or without generally feeling pathetic/like I am begging. Because, I know he isn't capable of that right now....and maybe I need some more post divorce healing as well...
I separated from my husband last year, after one rebound relationship (long story) and a few months single, I signed up for online dating. Had a bunch of first dates that went nowhere.....and then I connected with the subject of this post, I will call him M. M and I hit it off texting right away....he was funny, wicked smart, a dog person as am I. Conversation was effortless. This was 3 months ago now. For the first 6 weeks, we texted daily and facetimed most weeknights for an hour or two at a time. It was a nice change from the other guys I met online who just wanted to hook up on the first date. I didn't even get a kiss until a month in....basically, when we met, I learned two weeks in, he was finishing up his alcohol education classes he needed to take as part of his DUI plea. He also had a restricted license.....we talked the night he finished classes and he said he was grateful for what they taught him and especially the part about relationships. Since his divorce 9 years ago, he hasn't had a long term relationship and went through his wild phase. He said he was too old for that crap now and was looking for a stable, steady relationship......how I was so different than anyone he ever dated in terms of my education and he just feels so at home with me. That for the first time in over a year, he felt hopeful. He said he thought I could do a lot better than him and felt bad even expecting I could commit to dating him when he couldn't drive to even take me on a real date, etc for a few more weeks. That he hoped I wasn't still on the app, he wasn't, but couldn't fault me if I was. I told him that was no big deal......I am a busy person and was enjoying getting to know him. The few times we were together he said he wanted to take the sexual side very slow, because typically he rushed into that and well, that had never worked out before. That was fine with me.
Anyway, after he finished classes, a few times we tried to make weekend plans.....and last min he would bail. An emergency.....or just no answer if I tried to set something up. I started to think he was dating someone else. You here probably guessed it----he was just getting drunk. I realized this soon into it because he started facetiming me drunk. At one point it looked like he was losing his house to foreclosure and again he told me he understood if I bailed. I could do better. I told him that was ridiculous...and he did save the house, FYI, without any $$ from me. He started havign more and more issues at work.....and two weeks ago, he lost his job. The last 6 weeks have been a roller coaster of him finally admitting he is an alcoholic (which he says I am the only person he has ever said those words to and meant them)....saying he is done with the drinking, ready to get healthy, and then going off on a bender and calling me for help. And I went. 3 different times I drove in the middle of the night to drag his ass home when he texted for help. TO hear him say he wants to die....that he is a horrible person and too far gone for help, too far gone to be my boyfriend and that I need to forget him and move on. The final time he did it, I missed his calls and texts and woke up to a series of pleas for help and then finally, "**** you." I texted him and explained what happened and told him I think his reaction was a bit extreme.....he broke up with me. Just sent a text saying "I wish you all the best. Take care." This after just earlier in the week telling me how he never wants to lose me, he knows his drinking is worse than it ever has been and it isn't sustainable---that he loves me, he knows he is hard to read and doesn't make it easy but he loved every aspect of me. After the **** you text, he called drunk and again said he is a horrible person and I need to move on. I deserve better and he was sorry he ws such a ********, he didn't want to break up. I said well I didn't either, so ....? It circled back to, you deserve better. That he didn't know if we could stay friends because he would want to kiss me.
Next day, he texted....and we have been texting ever since. Some days I just get very generic texts----pics of the dogs, memes. Other times it is very personal and reminds me of when we first met and connected (like sending selfies and kiss emojis and saying how sexy I am)....last weekend, I spent the weekend at his place. We slept in the same bed and he put his arm around me....but didn't try anything. He is still drinking, but a lot less....he is however, very depressed because he is waiting for his new job to start, so money is low. The state is still in a stay at home status, so no where to really go out to do anything...he did get his full license back.
SO....my questions for you all..... 1). Is there any chance he meant anything he said about what he felt for me and what he wanted?
2)We were intimate a few times, but yes, it is an issue for him because of the drinking, even with pills to help, it didn't go well.....but all I heard from him (when he drinks) was about all the crazy sex he had with all these women, which makes me feel like it is something wrong with me. As a newly single person, that is a bit of a self esteem crusher....how likely is it that it is the addiction causing his lack of interest in sex?
3) related to #2.....is he even romantically interested in me anymore? It seems impossible that someone could go from daily declarations of love, talking about a future together to friend zone, but again, been out of the dating game a long time so, I don't know. Or is it just the addiction that leads to this hot and cold behavior??
4) I am torn between writing him off totally...and maybe if we weren't in the middle of covid, I would have already. But, I do feel like we had a deep connection that formed when he wasn't so sick and I know he doesn't really have any positive people in his circle. Suggestions on how to stay in his life without him thinking I am pushing for a "normal" relationship...or without generally feeling pathetic/like I am begging. Because, I know he isn't capable of that right now....and maybe I need some more post divorce healing as well...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 70
Also wanted to add.....he admits he is insecure, has anxiety/OCD issues and is severely underweight (he barely eats, just drinks one after another, grabs some snacks on some days, other days he would eat meals with me, no pattern)....when I asked him why the sudden flip the last weekend (we had plans and at the last minute he bailed to go drink and that night sent the "**** you" text, that time)? I mean, things were great, he had cut back on drinking and we had plans and then boom. He said, that is what I do. I ruin every relationship, I push people away so that I dont' get hurt...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 464
Well....
You asked for perspective, so I'll offer mine.
This is a high-risk relationship--intoxication, financial troubles, job loss, avoidance, health troubles...and that's only the things you know about.
I'd pass on this. Maybe that's not what you want to read, but that's my .02 cents. Maybe others will chime in.
You asked for perspective, so I'll offer mine.
This is a high-risk relationship--intoxication, financial troubles, job loss, avoidance, health troubles...and that's only the things you know about.
I'd pass on this. Maybe that's not what you want to read, but that's my .02 cents. Maybe others will chime in.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 70
ZIP, I appreciate it....I know it is high risk and I don't think there is any chance of it as a romantic thing. But, I guess in the end what I wonder is, if we do have a connection and he does want help (I know, I can't cure him, I can't do the work for him)----any suggestions how to get him into recovery? He insists he can quit on his own, he did it before 20 years ago and was sober until 3 years ago......he did quit for a few days and of course was horribly ill and went out and drank. Is resistant to programs, but says he knows and wants to stop....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 464
Well, I don't know the guy, so I'm not judging him. I simply believe you can point people in the right therapeutic direction--- but they, themselves, must commit and put forth sincere effort. And you'll have to be prepared to accept the consequences, if that commitment and effort is lacking.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
You can't get someone into recovery. They have to want it bad enough to make it a priority. None of us is powerful enough to control another person's fate.
I think your compassion is admirable, but addiction is incredibly powerful. "Helping" often just delays people from hitting bottom and getting it together on their own.
Some people just don't have a bottom, but there would be nothing anyone could do for a person like that if they don't want recovery but want to drink instead.
I agree that what is best at this point is to let him go with love, and move forward with your own life and healing.
I think your compassion is admirable, but addiction is incredibly powerful. "Helping" often just delays people from hitting bottom and getting it together on their own.
Some people just don't have a bottom, but there would be nothing anyone could do for a person like that if they don't want recovery but want to drink instead.
I agree that what is best at this point is to let him go with love, and move forward with your own life and healing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by doggonecarl 
I think he's right.
Drinking doesn't necessarily define him. But it defines him now.
Drinking doesn't necessarily define him. But it defines him now.
I actually said to him, when he said, why would you want to be with a suicidal alcoholic? I said, 'you are not defined by your disease. if you want to stop, you can but you need to get help. do you want to stop?" He said god yes, I can't go on....
then doesn't take steps, beyond trying to dry out on his own and bailing when he got sick.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 56
This is a tough one for sure. And you asked for some perspective, so I will just give mine. Agree with it or not, that is fine.
First, real connection is quite difficult to find. Nobody else can define what it is, and "you cant pick who you dig" - so I get it, you probably care a lot. To answer your questions....
1) Probably. He likely cares a lot, which is why he is trying to push you away from the self-destruction spiral. I can tell you I did that when I sort of "imploded" with binge drinking. I wanted to push anybody that I cared about out of my arms reach to save them from the monster that I felt I had become. So I can seriously empathize with that.2) 100 % the cause. I can speak for myself. Sex drive is at an all time low (I am at day 11 of sobriety now). I have a beautiful girlfriend and yet my sex drive is kinda stalled. Somebody else said it takes time for it to come back, but it will. I am guessing he is telling you about the "wild sex" because he wants you to know that it is possible, and he is likely utterly frustrated that it isnt working properly (again, speaking from experience).3) I would say again yes, probably romantically interested. This addiction/sobriety thing is an emotional rollar coaster. Seriously. So I bet his feelings are swinging like a pendulum, but if you said the connection was as strong as you meant, then likely it is a romantic thing.4) Thats the hardest to answer. Dunno. He has to do recovery for him. He cannot do it for the sake of you. And you also cannot be an indefinite crutch. I guess he needs to answer if he is willing to give up drinking, or continue to be a high risk/very uncertain partner with "drinking less" and then, if you are willing to accept those conditions??
Just my 2c
First, real connection is quite difficult to find. Nobody else can define what it is, and "you cant pick who you dig" - so I get it, you probably care a lot. To answer your questions....
1) Probably. He likely cares a lot, which is why he is trying to push you away from the self-destruction spiral. I can tell you I did that when I sort of "imploded" with binge drinking. I wanted to push anybody that I cared about out of my arms reach to save them from the monster that I felt I had become. So I can seriously empathize with that.2) 100 % the cause. I can speak for myself. Sex drive is at an all time low (I am at day 11 of sobriety now). I have a beautiful girlfriend and yet my sex drive is kinda stalled. Somebody else said it takes time for it to come back, but it will. I am guessing he is telling you about the "wild sex" because he wants you to know that it is possible, and he is likely utterly frustrated that it isnt working properly (again, speaking from experience).3) I would say again yes, probably romantically interested. This addiction/sobriety thing is an emotional rollar coaster. Seriously. So I bet his feelings are swinging like a pendulum, but if you said the connection was as strong as you meant, then likely it is a romantic thing.4) Thats the hardest to answer. Dunno. He has to do recovery for him. He cannot do it for the sake of you. And you also cannot be an indefinite crutch. I guess he needs to answer if he is willing to give up drinking, or continue to be a high risk/very uncertain partner with "drinking less" and then, if you are willing to accept those conditions??
Just my 2c
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,327
I dunno, I'd say he likes you for sure but he's a bit f'd up right now so there could be a pretty iffy r'ship but really he needs to get in recovery and get a few months sober and then there might be an actual shot I guess.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by ringoffire
This is a tough one for sure. And you asked for some perspective, so I will just give mine. Agree with it or not, that is fine.
First, real connection is quite difficult to find. Nobody else can define what it is, and "you cant pick who you dig" - so I get it, you probably care a lot. To answer your questions....
1) Probably. He likely cares a lot, which is why he is trying to push you away from the self-destruction spiral. I can tell you I did that when I sort of "imploded" with binge drinking. I wanted to push anybody that I cared about out of my arms reach to save them from the monster that I felt I had become. So I can seriously empathize with that.2) 100 % the cause. I can speak for myself. Sex drive is at an all time low (I am at day 11 of sobriety now). I have a beautiful girlfriend and yet my sex drive is kinda stalled. Somebody else said it takes time for it to come back, but it will. I am guessing he is telling you about the "wild sex" because he wants you to know that it is possible, and he is likely utterly frustrated that it isnt working properly (again, speaking from experience).3) I would say again yes, probably romantically interested. This addiction/sobriety thing is an emotional rollar coaster. Seriously. So I bet his feelings are swinging like a pendulum, but if you said the connection was as strong as you meant, then likely it is a romantic thing.4) Thats the hardest to answer. Dunno. He has to do recovery for him. He cannot do it for the sake of you. And you also cannot be an indefinite crutch. I guess he needs to answer if he is willing to give up drinking, or continue to be a high risk/very uncertain partner with "drinking less" and then, if you are willing to accept those conditions??
Just my 2c
First, real connection is quite difficult to find. Nobody else can define what it is, and "you cant pick who you dig" - so I get it, you probably care a lot. To answer your questions....
1) Probably. He likely cares a lot, which is why he is trying to push you away from the self-destruction spiral. I can tell you I did that when I sort of "imploded" with binge drinking. I wanted to push anybody that I cared about out of my arms reach to save them from the monster that I felt I had become. So I can seriously empathize with that.2) 100 % the cause. I can speak for myself. Sex drive is at an all time low (I am at day 11 of sobriety now). I have a beautiful girlfriend and yet my sex drive is kinda stalled. Somebody else said it takes time for it to come back, but it will. I am guessing he is telling you about the "wild sex" because he wants you to know that it is possible, and he is likely utterly frustrated that it isnt working properly (again, speaking from experience).3) I would say again yes, probably romantically interested. This addiction/sobriety thing is an emotional rollar coaster. Seriously. So I bet his feelings are swinging like a pendulum, but if you said the connection was as strong as you meant, then likely it is a romantic thing.4) Thats the hardest to answer. Dunno. He has to do recovery for him. He cannot do it for the sake of you. And you also cannot be an indefinite crutch. I guess he needs to answer if he is willing to give up drinking, or continue to be a high risk/very uncertain partner with "drinking less" and then, if you are willing to accept those conditions??
Just my 2c
thank you....
I did end up posting this to the family/friends forum and was told I need to get out of his way and let him focus on recovery. And I get that—-right now instead of obsessing over how he should treat me as a boyfriend (which he was the one who jumped to label our relationship), he needs to focus on recovery. And I probably still have some healing and self work to do regarding my divorce—-my ex was emotionally manipulative and narcissistic and still causing me grief by being difficult in the divorce. But, I enjoy just hanging out with M...I don’t buy him alcohol or give him any $$ support. I finally did say stop calling me for rides home (&hsve held that boundary). Is even trying to be friends enabling at this point?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 56
ill be totally honest, I had a long term partner split, there were issues but a big one was my drinking. She tried and tried and tried to do everything, but in the end it had to be me to want to stop and say im done. And yah, I have messed up and relapsed (I am on day 11 after being on day 32, and before that day 38) but I can say that my overall trajectory is in the right way.
Long story, but - it has to be him to get on the trajectory he wants to be on. Even a demand like "you must be sober to hang out with me" might be unreasonable as its no longer for him, and the second you are apart, he could go right back into it...
So maybe you are enabling in a way by being around? Maybe, just maybe, he is also 'enabling' you to not deal with some of your things?
I am just giving you a perspective by the way, I am in no way trained in any sort of mental health or whatever field. But I hope its an angle or shred of information that helps!
Long story, but - it has to be him to get on the trajectory he wants to be on. Even a demand like "you must be sober to hang out with me" might be unreasonable as its no longer for him, and the second you are apart, he could go right back into it...
So maybe you are enabling in a way by being around? Maybe, just maybe, he is also 'enabling' you to not deal with some of your things?
I am just giving you a perspective by the way, I am in no way trained in any sort of mental health or whatever field. But I hope its an angle or shred of information that helps!
Re-Tread
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Meditation
Posts: 1,300
It doesn't read like you can trust him right now. How much is he drinking, how attracted is he to you really, etc. I would say it sounds like it will probably be extremely stressful to continue to have him as a romantic partner and difficult at best to remain just friends.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Do you watch American Idol?
There's this one episode that I watched where a contestant goes off and Mel says in her lovely accent, "No, honey, no." Oh no, it's not Mel it's the white girl.
Anyhow, maybe you saw it...
No, honey, no. This guy is an alcoholic narcissist. It wasn't bad enough with your husband, you need to find someone to save from addiction as well? He's told you the truth about himself any number of ways - why aren't you listening? For me, when I fell in love with the last guy (and he was the last guy), he also told me the truth about himself. But I thought it was so endearing and humble. I'm sure it was meant to come off that way, but he was telling me the truth that I was out of his league, that he was just a child...
That man broke my heart. In 12-step programs they teach us to look for how we had a hand in the situation. Well, my hands were all over that one - staying around too long when he'd hurt me repeatedly and I'd learned almost from the very beginning that we was ok with lying to me by omission or word games. Over really important things and over nonsensical things, didn't matter. But I loved him. I really did - it was exhilarating being with him! Even when he was an ass, I hung in there because I loved him. But no, he told me over and over again in any number of ways who he was. I just didn't want to listen. And he knew that.
Your guy seems to have the same sociopath tendencies that my guy demonstrated. Love bombing, gaslighting, manipulating, flat out lying. Yeah, no.
I was similarly warned when I started having misgivings about my guy. Poured out my heart on some website for people involved with narcissists. More than one person told me in no uncertain terms that I was headed down a path I didn't want to travel. But I didn't want to listen to them either. So I stayed. And ended up hurting my self-esteem so badly I almost didn't "come back." So I realize you may come back with the "buts" like you already have in response to some of the other posts. And I get that - I really do. But the guy's an alcoholic on top of everything else? No honey, no.
Invite him to come riding back into your life once he has a year sober. If he's The One, he'll be back. In the meantime, you can use the space to work on your own stuff.
With a sincere heart and the most fond wish for your happiness,
O
There's this one episode that I watched where a contestant goes off and Mel says in her lovely accent, "No, honey, no." Oh no, it's not Mel it's the white girl.
Anyhow, maybe you saw it...
No, honey, no. This guy is an alcoholic narcissist. It wasn't bad enough with your husband, you need to find someone to save from addiction as well? He's told you the truth about himself any number of ways - why aren't you listening? For me, when I fell in love with the last guy (and he was the last guy), he also told me the truth about himself. But I thought it was so endearing and humble. I'm sure it was meant to come off that way, but he was telling me the truth that I was out of his league, that he was just a child...
That man broke my heart. In 12-step programs they teach us to look for how we had a hand in the situation. Well, my hands were all over that one - staying around too long when he'd hurt me repeatedly and I'd learned almost from the very beginning that we was ok with lying to me by omission or word games. Over really important things and over nonsensical things, didn't matter. But I loved him. I really did - it was exhilarating being with him! Even when he was an ass, I hung in there because I loved him. But no, he told me over and over again in any number of ways who he was. I just didn't want to listen. And he knew that.
Your guy seems to have the same sociopath tendencies that my guy demonstrated. Love bombing, gaslighting, manipulating, flat out lying. Yeah, no.
I was similarly warned when I started having misgivings about my guy. Poured out my heart on some website for people involved with narcissists. More than one person told me in no uncertain terms that I was headed down a path I didn't want to travel. But I didn't want to listen to them either. So I stayed. And ended up hurting my self-esteem so badly I almost didn't "come back." So I realize you may come back with the "buts" like you already have in response to some of the other posts. And I get that - I really do. But the guy's an alcoholic on top of everything else? No honey, no.
Invite him to come riding back into your life once he has a year sober. If he's The One, he'll be back. In the meantime, you can use the space to work on your own stuff.
With a sincere heart and the most fond wish for your happiness,
O
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
ooof...the way i read it, you keep agreeing with all the “no” that you hear from a whole bunch of people, and say you know you can’t fix him, can’t cure him, can’t abc, .....and then you keep adding to the explanations  to ...to what? soften the picture? get someone to say something positive? find something to hang on to?
what i think you need to do is spend time looking at yourself: why were you pulled to dating someone just coming out from a dui plea and classes relating to his plea? what is it you think you need that has you having a second relationship so shortly after going through a divorce? what has you so hooked that you keep wanting to hang on to this person in whatever form possible? what are you getting out of this? what is so scary about being alone? why are you not believing that you do “deserve” better? what is the draw for this drama?
and many more along those veins.
what i think you need to do is spend time looking at yourself: why were you pulled to dating someone just coming out from a dui plea and classes relating to his plea? what is it you think you need that has you having a second relationship so shortly after going through a divorce? what has you so hooked that you keep wanting to hang on to this person in whatever form possible? what are you getting out of this? what is so scary about being alone? why are you not believing that you do “deserve” better? what is the draw for this drama?
and many more along those veins.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 70
Thank you all for your kind and insightful responses. A few of the things were not new to my ears---I am seeing a therapist and have very supportive best friends who have listened to the M drama...the drama when I decided to leave my husband, etc. And they all said----walk away, you deserve better. The one difference is that they encouraged me to keep dating and trying to meet people. My best friend is the one who pushed me to even do the online dating thing after I ended things with my rebound relationship. It is hard because all those who love me and know me keep telling me how amazing I am and how I won't have any trouble finding a decent guy. Yet.....no. I just kept matching with guys who wanted to hook up the first date or had issues, like M.
What I do think I need is time alone. I shouldn't be dating anymore than M should be dating. We each have our own **** to handle.....It's true, I was afraid of being alone. More than being alone, it is the part of maybe I missed my shot at finding a partner....
I realized the other day, I miss his middle of the night calls (to be fair, this was the last week of the relationship that he did this when he was REALLY messed up). I missed them because I thought at least SOMEONE needs me and misses me...How ****** up is that? I guess that is co-dependency...
I deleted my dating app account. Not just the app off the phone, the profile is gone. No more. I don't feel the need to block M because he is in such a dark place right now, and has cut down his texting so much, I think he will drift away....I do hope he can get help. As I told him a few times, he deserves a much better reality than what he is living day to day as an alcoholic.
What I do think I need is time alone. I shouldn't be dating anymore than M should be dating. We each have our own **** to handle.....It's true, I was afraid of being alone. More than being alone, it is the part of maybe I missed my shot at finding a partner....
I realized the other day, I miss his middle of the night calls (to be fair, this was the last week of the relationship that he did this when he was REALLY messed up). I missed them because I thought at least SOMEONE needs me and misses me...How ****** up is that? I guess that is co-dependency...
I deleted my dating app account. Not just the app off the phone, the profile is gone. No more. I don't feel the need to block M because he is in such a dark place right now, and has cut down his texting so much, I think he will drift away....I do hope he can get help. As I told him a few times, he deserves a much better reality than what he is living day to day as an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
"I do hope he can get help. "
he can, Maddoc, he can. if and when he wants it. it is out there.
isn't that one of the tough parts for you? you know the help is there. he does, too. yet he is not willing or interested to access it.
that is reality.
he can, Maddoc, he can. if and when he wants it. it is out there.
isn't that one of the tough parts for you? you know the help is there. he does, too. yet he is not willing or interested to access it.
that is reality.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by ZIP
Well....
You asked for perspective, so I'll offer mine.
This is a high-risk relationship--intoxication, financial troubles, job loss, avoidance, health troubles...and that's only the things you know about.
I'd pass on this. Maybe that's not what you want to read, but that's my .02 cents. Maybe others will chime in.
You asked for perspective, so I'll offer mine.
This is a high-risk relationship--intoxication, financial troubles, job loss, avoidance, health troubles...and that's only the things you know about.
I'd pass on this. Maybe that's not what you want to read, but that's my .02 cents. Maybe others will chime in.
Agree 100% with the above. Very hard to leave someone when you've had a long history with them. Often it's comfortable to jump back in.
But from what the OP has written I see this as a very toxic relationship which won't end well if it continues.
My advise would be to ease out now.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
