Notch8

Happy Saturday morning. Up at 4:30am, brewing some coffee, seeing what mischief awaits me online before I head out to run errands.
At the conclusion of this weekend, I will be at 40 days sober. That only happened once before a few years ago. So its a big deal. Problem is, I feel like I should be way further ahead mentally and emotionally. My ambition just isn't there. The sharpness of mind isn't what I thought it would be at this point, either.
I get really engaged in projects, make all kinds of notes, sketches and shopping lists only to be mentally wiped out an hour later. I know my bipolar has a role to play in this, but I don't remember it dragging me down like this the last time.
Am I being too impatient? I will admit, I miss my sweaty workouts, both physically and mentally. I'm getting enough rest, as far as I can tell. My diet isn't spot on, but its a far cry from what it used to be. Tell me this is normal.... or I'm rushing the healing process along.

Jaxis

Man that happened to me also it took awhile but soon I was back to were I wanted to be. Hang in there 40 days is a great accomplishment be proud of your progress ccongrats.

Dee74

I think that's a feeling common to most of us at some point, particularly in the early days,
Maybe its driven by a little residual guilt at 'wasting' so much time....we want to be fixed and fixed NOW?

I look back tho and I see I got sober when I got sober, I got better when I got better.

I had to let go of trying to control everything and....just be.
There's an AA saying 'be where your hands are'...I think that's great advice..

D

Briansy

That's a reassuring response. Cheers Dee.

Notch8

Thanks for the replies. Yesterday was extra hard, I guess. I took a day off work to work at my spring cleaning project that has been taking months to do. Got maybe a third done that I should have, yet felt totally wasted by evening. I remember the last time I was sober for this long it seemed like there wasn't enough hours in the day... I just kept going and going. This time around seems like a struggle just to keep thoughts straight.... have to write everything down, even the simplest things. I'm frustrated, I suppose.

sugarbear1

How many years did you drink?
40 days is fantastic, but it's early. It's 40 days. almost 2 months. You have to give yourself a lot longer to heal. Alcohol used to be used as anesthetic before surgery; it has effected all of your body and now it must heal.

aasharon90

This is not a marathon is what I had and still have to remind myself often. It took yrs of drinking, from my teen years to the age of 30, then I entered recovery via a rehab for 28 day with a 6 week aftercare program to begin my journey in recovery life.
I learned early on that when I began drinking I then emotionally stopped growing. So at the age of 30 when I got sober, I was emotionally young.
Over the yrs incorporating the tools and knowledge of my addiction and a recovery program in all areas of my life, I have slowly begun to grow up.
With a few decades plus yrs sober at my age today, I still feel young at heart.
Take it each day as it comes and grow building a strong recovery foundation to live your life upon for yrs to come.

Notch8

About twelve professionally. Tried to make a career our it. Just no money in it....

Funki

Hey friend,

Yeah, 40 days is still pretty early on. I'm at almost 90 days and legitimately just started feeling a bit better at maybe 75 days or so.

fini

Notch,it is a great question.one i asked myself at various points along the road: why do i feel like i should be....xyz?where did i get my ideas about where and how i should be at any given point along this journey?best, i found, to just accept i am where i am and see if something needs doing about any part of that.

Eddiebuckle

Hi Notch,
You woke up sober, and went to sleep sober - I'd say you're doing perfectly.
Most people don't realize how much drinking alcoholically impacts the central nervous system, including the brain. It takes months for us to return to whatever baseline functionality we have. For some of us, that baseline is in line with "normal people." Others have additional challenges: mental or physical heath, relationship issues, legal problems, money problems, etc. Being sober won't fix all those other issues, but drinking will definitely make them worse.
Be gentle with your expectations and how you judge your "progress." You are alive and sober, the rest will fall into place in due course.
Congrats on 40 days - and wishing you all the best in the days ahead.
Ed

Notch8

Thanks for the encouragement, everyone. I think a big part is the lack of physical activity. last time I had this much sobriety under my belt, I was riding bike a lot. I miss that. This week I will challenge myself to walk a little every day and see what difference it may make in how I feel.

ringoffire

Hey, well I am on day 10 after being on day 32...And yah, that was part of the problem, day 32 still felt like day 10. But, there were slivers of normalcy that started to show. Like motivation for projects started to climb, mood was beginning to stabilize...
So I guess what I am saying, is stay the course, see if one small thing is becoming more positive and expand that. It worked for me re: biking. I started biking like crazy (bought myself a used eddy merckx old steel frame as a reward for sobriety) and the wind in my face was the positive I held on to. Good luck, and see you at day 40 in a month...

Funki

For sure, exercise even helps a lot. I walked a LOT in my first month, partly from living in NYC and I always walk, and partly because of severe anxiety. I logged 9 miles one day lol.

Then I got sick at about 45 days and didn't walk or work out. For the past 30 odd days I've gradually been working in 3 days a week of light walking/exercise to now it's 5-6 days of walking. It does appear to be making a difference. Anti-anxiety, general health, getting some detox action going, etc.

Zebra1275

If you drank heavily for 12 years, everything is not going to change immediately.ÂÂ

You are a different person now than you were 12 years ago, older, maybe wiser, and probably with a little less energy. ÂÂ Every day you go to bed sober is a victory, anything beyond that is a bonus. It might be a slow improvement for quite awhile.

Also, don't dismiss the effect that Covid 19 and all of the issues involved in our response to the pandemic, is having on all of us.ÂÂ

Myself, I'm somewhat impatient. Since the beginning of the year I have been trying to lose some weight. I exercise every day and carefully track everything I eat with an app on my phone. ÂÂ

And the progress is so slow! ÂÂ There are days when I just want to say "screw it" and sit in front of the TV with a quart of ice cream and some cupcakes. ÂÂ It's hard, but I just take it day by day, like when I was first trying to get sober.ÂÂ

zoobadger

I'm going out on a limb since I'm not a medical professional nor do I
suffer from any mental health conditions other than addiction, but ou mentioned that you suffer from bipolar disorder which seems very consequential....

Quitting should provide a new opportunity to treat and manage that condition, but will presumably take some time and patience. Drugs and therapies you tried during the past 12 years were surely undermined by alcoholism.

Now that you're sober, there may be effective treatments that weren't helpful before?

And no matter what, focus on the here and now and try not to think too big - I think that's a big part of "one day at a time." Even something as minor as running errands can be a pleasant diversion, rather than an onerous chore as it used to be.

There are lots of little victories in sobriety. Take a walk at sunrise, for example. Early morning was presumably a time of hungover misery a few months ago. Embrace every little thing that used to be invisible or impossible.