Oh Well? Part 2
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I was sitting outside enjoying a fire the other evening when who came by but youngest? Middlest had taken her driving and had apparently convinced her to stop over at the house. This is the first time I've seen her since Christmas. We hugged, I told her how glad I was to see her, then we chit chatted and small talked. It was her lead, you know? Later on she came back to where I was still by the embers now, and we sat side by side and spoke of real things; important things. First important things that matter deeply to both of us but are external, then into forgiveness and hurt. Again, her lead.
The ice is broken. We're on different floes right now, but within distance for adjoining.
At the meeting this morning, I was dismayed by the share of the secretary. It's ironic because he started with "If people had been talking about certain issues in the meeting, it would have been a good enough reason to never come back." And then he went on a brief but clear rant about these meetings being about alcohol, and he doesn't mind if people mention blow or crack or other drugs, but the meetings are about alcohol.
I don't know what my face did, but I think it may have done something because I rarely get called on in this meeting and the guy after the secretary called on me. Deep breath. "You all have given me a lot to think about today. It's interesting because the chair started us off with a story of how the Washingtonians messed up a good thing by trying to force their message on the masses. And a lot of folks have turned that around to talking about outside issues coming into the meeting." I said it's difficult for me sometimes to distinguish what exactly is an outside issue, and that I think perhaps that's up to me to decide for myself. If the issue is inside of me, disturbing to the honest core of me, then no one can tell me it's an outside issue and I shouldn't be able to talk about it. But what I definitely should not do is proselytize or tell others how in or out of the room that my way is the way for them. The book says "There is a solution," not that there are several solutions. I believe that The Solution is love; love of myself and love of others.
I hope I was coherent.
In both situations.
The ice is broken. We're on different floes right now, but within distance for adjoining.
At the meeting this morning, I was dismayed by the share of the secretary. It's ironic because he started with "If people had been talking about certain issues in the meeting, it would have been a good enough reason to never come back." And then he went on a brief but clear rant about these meetings being about alcohol, and he doesn't mind if people mention blow or crack or other drugs, but the meetings are about alcohol.
I don't know what my face did, but I think it may have done something because I rarely get called on in this meeting and the guy after the secretary called on me. Deep breath. "You all have given me a lot to think about today. It's interesting because the chair started us off with a story of how the Washingtonians messed up a good thing by trying to force their message on the masses. And a lot of folks have turned that around to talking about outside issues coming into the meeting." I said it's difficult for me sometimes to distinguish what exactly is an outside issue, and that I think perhaps that's up to me to decide for myself. If the issue is inside of me, disturbing to the honest core of me, then no one can tell me it's an outside issue and I shouldn't be able to talk about it. But what I definitely should not do is proselytize or tell others how in or out of the room that my way is the way for them. The book says "There is a solution," not that there are several solutions. I believe that The Solution is love; love of myself and love of others.
I hope I was coherent.
In both situations.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Very good stuff, O. I am so happy your daughter came to you and the two of you are bridging the gap. Her lead.
Huh....Outside issues. I think of addiction as just that, addiction. I really wouldn't mind if I sat in a meeting and people were talking about crack, food. alcohol or even dirt. The point is that "we" are working towards a solution to get off said substance. It seems like its all the same to me, in principle. Am I grabbing on to what you are saying up there?
Happy Sunday, Obladi!
Did you get a chance to look at any bikes yet?
Huh....Outside issues. I think of addiction as just that, addiction. I really wouldn't mind if I sat in a meeting and people were talking about crack, food. alcohol or even dirt. The point is that "we" are working towards a solution to get off said substance. It seems like its all the same to me, in principle. Am I grabbing on to what you are saying up there?
Happy Sunday, Obladi!
Did you get a chance to look at any bikes yet?
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I did not look at bikes, but that's a great idea! 
My boss asked me today when I might be able to take some time off - I guess I'm sounding crusty around the edges. Or maybe she just cares. In any event, I think taking a couple of days off and incorporating bike shopping might be just the thing.
I agree that addiction is addiction, or maybe more specifically that addiction is a special form of compulsive hell. Substance addiction is, of course, a subset of that hell. So where I can see that it would be challenging to do a 12-step program that was for all of the varieties of compulsive and destructive behavior, I don't really see how making such a clear distinction between alcohol and other drugs is helpful. So very many people in my generation and those that followed have had problems with both, right? In my area, AA has grown enough to tolerate those "both" people, but many of them draw the line - alcohol is the qualifying drug. But... that's not my circus. Or it is, but I can take my monkeys over to meetings elsewhere that focus more on solutions than they do on splitting hairs. So I'm doing that.
The history of AA and its fore-bearers is pretty interesting. Those Washingtonians found the answer but they didn't know where to draw the line. It was getting involved in any number of causes that they lost their oomph. The 12 traditions are a good guide to avoiding that sort of thing. The thing I'm most curious about right now is the concept of anonymity. Most people share about this in terms of, "If I saw another AA on the street, I'd never 'out' them," and while I think that's a good and valid take on the thing, I think it's more. I think anonymity is also about equality and humility.
Anyhow. That's all I have to say about that. For now.
Talked with my therapist about what's next. He seems to be in agreement that taking a break and stabilizing might be a good idea before we move on to other things beyond alcohol. Like, why don't I have actual dreams or aspirations? I think we kinda know that already, but it's not a pile of rubble I feel like attacking just yet. It smells dangerous and rife with my kryptonite.
The kids are leaving tomorrow for a week. I'm gonna put my house back in order! Can't wait. Seriously. Sober O has weird ideas of fun.
My boss asked me today when I might be able to take some time off - I guess I'm sounding crusty around the edges. Or maybe she just cares. In any event, I think taking a couple of days off and incorporating bike shopping might be just the thing.
I agree that addiction is addiction, or maybe more specifically that addiction is a special form of compulsive hell. Substance addiction is, of course, a subset of that hell. So where I can see that it would be challenging to do a 12-step program that was for all of the varieties of compulsive and destructive behavior, I don't really see how making such a clear distinction between alcohol and other drugs is helpful. So very many people in my generation and those that followed have had problems with both, right? In my area, AA has grown enough to tolerate those "both" people, but many of them draw the line - alcohol is the qualifying drug. But... that's not my circus. Or it is, but I can take my monkeys over to meetings elsewhere that focus more on solutions than they do on splitting hairs. So I'm doing that.
The history of AA and its fore-bearers is pretty interesting. Those Washingtonians found the answer but they didn't know where to draw the line. It was getting involved in any number of causes that they lost their oomph. The 12 traditions are a good guide to avoiding that sort of thing. The thing I'm most curious about right now is the concept of anonymity. Most people share about this in terms of, "If I saw another AA on the street, I'd never 'out' them," and while I think that's a good and valid take on the thing, I think it's more. I think anonymity is also about equality and humility.
Anyhow. That's all I have to say about that. For now.
Talked with my therapist about what's next. He seems to be in agreement that taking a break and stabilizing might be a good idea before we move on to other things beyond alcohol. Like, why don't I have actual dreams or aspirations? I think we kinda know that already, but it's not a pile of rubble I feel like attacking just yet. It smells dangerous and rife with my kryptonite.
The kids are leaving tomorrow for a week. I'm gonna put my house back in order! Can't wait. Seriously. Sober O has weird ideas of fun.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
The word I think of here is rather archaic but applicable— bide
Your aquifer of spirit has been drained so long with the drinking (me too) that time is required for those things we really are to find their way through mud and sand and rock back to our core.
It’s a trickle but still a win
Your aquifer of spirit has been drained so long with the drinking (me too) that time is required for those things we really are to find their way through mud and sand and rock back to our core.
It’s a trickle but still a win
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Yeah, Hawk. I'm not spitting at what I've accomplished. It's a tremendous thing in which I feel very confident but fragile. Hit with the wrong energy, my bubble of safety could explode. I'm ok living in the muck of now and leaving it at that.
Drove the kids to the airport this morning and notice that since I've been back home, the beast is doing Its thing. AV suggests that I could certainly drink through the weekend and then stop. It doesn't occur to me to immediately respond what a ridiculous notion that is. AV keeps pestering, and as I walk up the stairs back to my office, I think, "What day is it?" Oh, there it is - today is one day shy of my 9 month anniversary. "The kids are out of the house! You're free to do as you wish - no one will know! You've been sober for almost 9 months - beat your record by a mile! Let's celebrate!"
Bah.
Thinking about actually consuming the stuff turns my stomach.
Damnable beast.
Drove the kids to the airport this morning and notice that since I've been back home, the beast is doing Its thing. AV suggests that I could certainly drink through the weekend and then stop. It doesn't occur to me to immediately respond what a ridiculous notion that is. AV keeps pestering, and as I walk up the stairs back to my office, I think, "What day is it?" Oh, there it is - today is one day shy of my 9 month anniversary. "The kids are out of the house! You're free to do as you wish - no one will know! You've been sober for almost 9 months - beat your record by a mile! Let's celebrate!"
Bah.
Thinking about actually consuming the stuff turns my stomach.
Damnable beast.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
That AV is relentless--I gave in to mine a few times since I got the last year of full sobriety, and each one has been a dreadful bust. Back on track once again, but I know the exact slippery slope of the weekend temptation scenario. In my case, weekend of late have been long ones--4 days--so it kept seeming plausible to drink and stop. But even stopping still pushes you far back. So not worth it.
9 months is fantastic. 10 months even better. . . keepa go
9 months is fantastic. 10 months even better. . . keepa go
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
The AV is so funny right, I could drink and not get caught ...what is it, two?? Of course we could drink, we could rob a bank, kick our dog, etc but we don't do those things. I recall Robin Williams telling the story of his last relapse on a trip and his AV said the same thing, what do they all know each other these AVs - what is up with that??
The most interesting thing to me is how common the thought pattern is. I often wonder where that comes from. But in the end, I guess it does not matter as we don't listen to that thinking.
Take care my friend. And enjoy your time in your own digs, with a clean sink!
The most interesting thing to me is how common the thought pattern is. I often wonder where that comes from. But in the end, I guess it does not matter as we don't listen to that thinking.
Take care my friend. And enjoy your time in your own digs, with a clean sink!
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,822
“...nobody would know..”
It’s probably a common ploy because it’s pretty good . That notion helps to dispel fear of future shame , kind of looking past the sale too. Accepting that no one may find out presupposes the act.
And in a lot of cases , it’s probably true .
But it is in essence a smokescreen, others not knowing really isn’t in the ballpark of the reason why we decided to quit.
Devious buggers and pathetically simplistic too, IT is only squawking for more booze. Everybody knows that (see what I did there )
It’s probably a common ploy because it’s pretty good . That notion helps to dispel fear of future shame , kind of looking past the sale too. Accepting that no one may find out presupposes the act.
And in a lot of cases , it’s probably true .
But it is in essence a smokescreen, others not knowing really isn’t in the ballpark of the reason why we decided to quit.
Devious buggers and pathetically simplistic too, IT is only squawking for more booze. Everybody knows that (see what I did there )
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Clever, bro.
You guys are right, of course. I'm glad you all realized I was noticing, not contemplating. I didn't need to/want to get talked out of the thing; I just needed to sit through it. And I did literally contemplate the actual act of drinking before I hit "post." Not in an "it's possible" way, but more in a "Now think about this, O" kind of way. I guess it was akin to the shape-shifting you and Jack suggest, dwtbd. Only one step removed. Which is my best position, if I can't get two steps back.
I believe it is two, Drops. I also my beast can easily recognize the beast in others - It speaks a common tongue.
About an hour after I woke up this morning, it suddenly occurred to me with a little jolt of surprise - the beast was gone. Well, how nice is that?
9 months!
What?!?!?
You guys are right, of course. I'm glad you all realized I was noticing, not contemplating. I didn't need to/want to get talked out of the thing; I just needed to sit through it. And I did literally contemplate the actual act of drinking before I hit "post." Not in an "it's possible" way, but more in a "Now think about this, O" kind of way. I guess it was akin to the shape-shifting you and Jack suggest, dwtbd. Only one step removed. Which is my best position, if I can't get two steps back.
I believe it is two, Drops. I also my beast can easily recognize the beast in others - It speaks a common tongue.
About an hour after I woke up this morning, it suddenly occurred to me with a little jolt of surprise - the beast was gone. Well, how nice is that?
9 months!
What?!?!?
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Good morning!
Yes, it's like being given a new life.
That's the same life.
But not.
(Dee, I think this could be a real fine song refrain...)
You know, it's really in vogue for people in the program to be humble in this way that feels very false to me - the word for it escapes me right now, but it brings to mind those guys Jesus called out as hypocrites. See, that sounds really harsh and I'm glad to have blurted that out in this safe space because any AA I've encountered in "real life" (where are the lines for real anymore, anyhow?) would immediately jump in and explain that behavior. I understand that behavior, that's not the point. The point is that I think we'd all be better off, particularly the newcomer, if putting oneself down in public was frowned on by the group. But hey, it's not up to me. Just like it's not up to me if The Lord's Prayer is used for closing the vast majority of meetings around here. It is what it is, live and live, que sera sera.
Anyhow, all of that is my prelude to (or excuse for?) how I feel this morning. It's been quite a difficult journey and I'm proud of myself for embarking on it.
And also, I'm going to go find an alternate Saturday morning meeting due to the behavior of the folks in what has for years been my regular Saturday meeting.
Yes, it's like being given a new life.
That's the same life.
But not.
(Dee, I think this could be a real fine song refrain...)
You know, it's really in vogue for people in the program to be humble in this way that feels very false to me - the word for it escapes me right now, but it brings to mind those guys Jesus called out as hypocrites. See, that sounds really harsh and I'm glad to have blurted that out in this safe space because any AA I've encountered in "real life" (where are the lines for real anymore, anyhow?) would immediately jump in and explain that behavior. I understand that behavior, that's not the point. The point is that I think we'd all be better off, particularly the newcomer, if putting oneself down in public was frowned on by the group. But hey, it's not up to me. Just like it's not up to me if The Lord's Prayer is used for closing the vast majority of meetings around here. It is what it is, live and live, que sera sera.
Anyhow, all of that is my prelude to (or excuse for?) how I feel this morning. It's been quite a difficult journey and I'm proud of myself for embarking on it.
And also, I'm going to go find an alternate Saturday morning meeting due to the behavior of the folks in what has for years been my regular Saturday meeting.
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