fini

oh YAY!!!

Dropsie

Now that is great news! we all need some these days. Congratulations sista. xx

Fusion

😎 Coolio, O !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hawkeye13

Congratulations 🎊🍾🎉 O!

Grymt

Well done.

FindingMyNext

Congrats O!

side note: I just wanted you to know I read your thread regularly and love keeping up with your musings and sobriety celebrations. I do wish you were a little less hard on yourself— but then again, as a fellow member of the Hard On Oneself club, I can relate to how tricky it can be to give oneself a break.

Hope all is well with the kids. I’m rooting for you!

Hawkeye13

Thinking of you. How's it going?

Obladi

*Trigger warning for childhood sexual abuse - skip this post if that this cause disturbance for you.

I might just have done something boneheaded. Or maybe it was good, I don't know.

I just watched a documentary, "Rewind," which is about a kid who faced his abusers while he was still a kid. It's so good. I am so touched this young man would share his story with anyone who care to listen, and so very impressed at his courage. Former O would've likely taken a dive off a short pier sooner or later in rebound to this - out of embarrassment or remorse or something - at having not done the same. But what really stuck out for me was two things - he mustered the guts to speak out when he realized he wasn't alone, that his sister was also a victim and he wanted to protect her. His feeling up until then that he was the only one felt familiar to me. I think I'd forgotten that - what an achingly lonely place that created for me. And second, his parents were very concerned about what was happening with him when he started acting out, and they worked really hard to figure out what was going on. They knew something must've happened to change him! It sort of leads me back around to thinking my brother may have been abused as well. Certainly, he was horrid and got a lot of my parents' attention as they tried to figure out what to "do" with him, but I don't think they ever considered that something might have happened to him.

Anyhow, my chest is feeling that panicky could-be-a-heart-attack but-I know-it's-anxiety feeling. I thought to myself, "Wow. I should send this documentary information to my sister." She's the one who was very angry with me for leaving her without protection when I moved out of my parents' house - only I didn't know that until probably ten years later. She's also the one who never speaks with me without a pretext for doing so. And I also thought, "Maybe I should call him and ask whether something happened to him? Imagine what a relief it would be for him to be able to say so."

No.
Not a good idea at this time while I am still gathering strength. Sobriety is #1 - everything else takes a back seat. Plus also, it's nowhere within my purview right now to go about healing others before taking care of myself. (But how typical of me to think of fixing someone else as a way to make myself feel better.)

Here's what is decidedly not boneheaded: I noticed the disturbance within myself as it was starting and was able to sort of watch those thoughts go by and notice that they were not very good ideas. I'm fully the physical rebound right now - or maybe it's more like the rubber band is wrapped as tight as it can go. Second, I made the decision that the smart thing to do would be to "talk" about it to you guys. Finally (but maybe not lastly), I am exercising my plan to Do Nothing in response to this disturbance.

Wow. Go me, huh.

dwtbd

Um , yeah go you, really yeah

Obladi

Thanks for all of the salutations in commemoration of my milestone, friends! I'm feeling pretty good about it, but not in a triumphal way, more along the lines of that 10th step promise that tells us the problem will simply be removed. And the understanding that continuation of this fortunate state of affairs is contingent on me continuing to be a decent human being, a person who is doing her best to live deliberately as the best example of herself that she can be.

I thought the claim of coming to a position of neutrality in regard to alcohol was hyperbole. Who knew! I guess you all did, but I sure didn't. I read that passage to middlest this morning ( pp 84-85, courage) and her response was, "That's a really nice way to think of it." I said, "No! It's not just a way of thinking of it; it's how it is." She doesn't get it and I'm glad she doesn't need to.

I watched this talk by Mel Robbins on youtube the other day, "The 5 Second Rule." In a nutshell, the deal is that the way to do the stuff that needs doing is to take action. Duh. right? She discovered one day that counting down from 5 to 1 and then jumping into whatever it was she was avoiding worked! She admits herself that it's just dumb. But it works. I must've carried that with me into the weekend because, although I didn't count, when I found myself thinking petulantly, "I don't wanna," I almost immediately got up and started doing that thing. Yesterday middlest rented a truck to haul stuff out of the basement and while I most definitely did not want to go deal with that mess, I did. Later in the day, I reminded myself I had work to catch up on. And I just went and did it. Today, it was reminding myself that I'd gotten behind on my truly anal house-cleaning schedule. So I just got caught up. Then prepped meals for the week. Weird. But I like it.

The meetings I've attended this week have all held some meaning for me. I'd say the theme worked out to be, "Hey! It's amazing how I can identify with you guys now that I've learned to accept myself as I am." I don't think I'll ever get beyond the little judgey things I think from time to time, but maybe I will. For now, I'm just pleased to see those irritations are more like gnats than they are like mosquitoes. Or junebugs! Man, I hate junebugs. At least that's my memory. Maybe if I met one today, I'd find it fascinating and beautiful.

Yeppers, the view from here is pretty nice. I'm going to wander around the bend and see if I can catch up with Cos.

xo

Obladi

I slept extra long this morning - woke up shortly before 9am!
And that's a-ok. I think it's just what I needed.

The panic feeling has subsided to an echo of a small roar.
That's pretty good.
But I'm going to keep an eye on it for awhile lest the beast tries to come in from the side door.

Dropsie

Roar like a lion...

Stayingsassy

ok, I am obviously weepy and hormonal right now, because O this honestly made me tear up a little.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!

love reading posts about your insights into the kind of person you are when you are truly sober, and it’s all because you kept ramping it up, O. When one thing didn’t work, you stepped it up and really made that life sacrifice to give this all that you’ve got.

Congrats.

Obladi

Of course you're not hormonal, you just love me that much!

Thanks, Sass. I know you had your doubts but you hung in there with me and I appreciate that more than you know.

Obladi

Just a few weeks ago, I was all over these boards touting routine. Said I'd found it critical to do basic basic things. Perfection in doing those things isn't as important as striving to do them. Every. singe. day. Whether I want to or not. And so I have a whiteboard where I check off those basic things, to keep me accountable and to take some not insignificant amount of pleasure or satisfaction from that visible evidence that I am Doing The Things.

Ten days ago, on my six-month soberversarry, I stopped checking things off on the list. Sure I was doing some of the things most of the time, but I was taking it easy. The kitchen floor didn't really need to be mopped, I wasn't hungry, a holiday from medication from time-to-time is acceptable - I remember nursing homes used to do that when I worked in that industry. Things have been all mixed up anyhow, what with middlest coming in and out at unpredictable times and making lots of noise with her renovations. And I have so much work to do! I worked 50+ hours last week and I'm still not where I'd like to be; not for lack of trying, but simply because of the volume of what needs doing.

I've noticed little thoughts or memories or suggestions of drink popping up a little bit more frequently lately. Twice yesterday while working on tearing up the ancient wood ramp from the front of my house, I thought about it. The first time it was related to "damn, this is hard work and I sure don't want to be doing it!" The second time was when the three young people working on the basement left with a load of junk for the dump, "This is exactly when I would've snuck out for a bottle in the past." All of these "little" thoughts are easily dismissed and I certainly know how simple it is to rationalize these away - they're just evidence that my brain is doing its thing. Nothing to worry about, right? It happens.

Stop it.

I know this behavior, this lack of sufficient action and mindfulness, is a harbinger of bad things to come.

This morning I took my medication, did a little catch-up in my daily journal, wrote a reflection about this off-trackedness, and contemplated what I will share at the meeting my former sponsor asked me to chair tonight. It's a step meeting, and the topic is (you guessed it) Step 1.

Now I'm off to meditate, eat some breakfast and find a morning meeting.

Hawkeye13

Good job nipping it in the bud. For me, relapse has always been way before the first drink with little ideas like you just described.

You really have to keep the self-care thing at the forefront--50 hour work weeks on top of the stress of kids in the house, etc. is a pre-paid ticket to overwhelm.

Beyond getting tasks checked off, what kind of more decadent treat can you offer yourself for doing so well? Post anniversary periods are risky as well--6 months, 1 year, etc. so vigilance on your part has been very wise.

Is middlest engaging with you very much? How is all that going? That is a big volatile issue (for good and bad) to keep tabs on in your journal and with Daniel which I expect you are already doing.

Also, I found when insomnia / sleep issues began to show up I was stretching myself too thin or not honoring my inner voice. How is your sleep?

Obladi

Well, on my 6-month anniversary date, I did order myself a decadent treat that was exorbitantly expensive. It's an apple pie from my favorite Wisconsin bakery and is in the freezer waiting for the mood to strike me. Aside from that, I dunno what else to treat myself with. I did see a job posting today that's tangential to my current role but would use all of the stuff I've learned + more. I emailed a contact in that department and she replied, "It would be perfect for you! Please apply." That's probably not what you were thinking of when you said "treat," but it is an exciting idea to get out of the current thankless grind (for which people do in fact thank me).

Middlest comes by for a few hours every day to work on the basement. She and I have been fine - no eggshells are apparent. I have, out of habit, offered unsolicited advice a couple of times and apologized for that today - she said, "It hasn't bothered me." So that's good. Turns out they are moving in two weeks. Don't know what happened to October! It's been fine. It will be fine. But yes, her very presence is somewhat unsettling (just because, not for any specific anything about her - just our history, I guess) and I need to keep an eye on how I'm feeling.

Funny you should ask about sleep. It's been not great. Like yesterday, I napped twice (!), went to bed around 1030 and woke up at least four times before I actually got up. That's with trazodone. I shudder to think what it would be without.

Ok, I'm off to a meeting but I'm gonna think about that last bit. Not that I haven't already, but I'll think harder.

Grymt

. Because of number of truly awful results of in family arrangements get a lawyer to draw up a binding contract of residence. Lease, rent whatever that spells out exactly what is acceptable or not. Have it signed before moving in.
Routine helps to engender a non judgemental relationship to feelings thus becoming less controlled by feeling thus preventing relapse.

Obladi

Thanks, Grymt. This is not the daughter I needed to kick out (with difficulty, twice) in the past. This one is more likely to be out of here in a hot minute should things go bad. We have made some basic ground rules about her stay here, and I believe we're up to the task. She cares deeply about my continued sobriety and has shown absolutely no signs of animosity since our reconciliation. I feel these things when they are there. I used to disregard my instinct, but that's not happening today. It will be ok because we both sincerely want it to be ok.

Yes, routine is more important than many people can understand, I think. Even my fantastic sponsor told me to take it easy when I related to her that I'd gotten off track with the basic activities to which I've committed. To thine own self be true, indeed.

Yesterday, a woman from the sober home sent me a chatty text. Sounded like just a check in, everything was going well. A few hours later, she messaged that she'd relapsed and needed a place to stay; would I take her in? The rule at the sober place is that you need to stay away for three days if you relapse and then you can return as long as you have a clean urine. My immediate instinct was to say "yes," followed in less than a nanosecond by "no." I let it sit for a few hours, then when I was sure, sent her a reply that I was sorry but I couldn't - my sobriety has to come first. Also told her I was here to talk anytime. She did not respond, nor did I expect her to. I'm sad about her situation but also at peace with my decision.

Last night's "Living Sober" chapter was on sponsorship. Interesting read from my current perspective. Nobody called on me so I was inhibited from sharing my spin on the thing, and that was ok. I'm probably not really ready to spout my opinions anyhow. I need to do some contemplation about the purpose of my shares in a meeting, particularly if I'm feeling especially unique.

Grymt

You sound good. Making good decisions.