Oh Well? Part 2
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Mother Hen sent me a friend request on facebook yesterday. What?? Gotta say I was tempted to accept just to see what she would "do," but that's the kind of nutty risky game the Old O would play. This O has no interest in engaging in riddles or intrigue with narcissists.
At an all-staff meeting, the topic of listening sessions was presented. The idea is that black people have a forum to talk about how all of this stuff is impacting them, how it's always impacted them. A person anonymously submitted the question, "We already have affirmative action and equal rights and diversity programs. What else would you have us do?" That was a kick in the gut. I mean, I know ignorance is real, but I'm shocked still that anyone in my highly educated milieu would think that phrasing is ok.
Did my taxes!
Did I beat you, Drops?
All of which is conspiring to imbue me with this feeling of enormous dis-ease and solicit a friendly reminder from my local beast that alcohol is always an option. Actually, no, beast. No it's not. Copious quantities of sugar and chocolate and caffeine are options. Any number of self-care or slovenly actions/inactions are options. Drinking? Ah hellll no.
At an all-staff meeting, the topic of listening sessions was presented. The idea is that black people have a forum to talk about how all of this stuff is impacting them, how it's always impacted them. A person anonymously submitted the question, "We already have affirmative action and equal rights and diversity programs. What else would you have us do?" That was a kick in the gut. I mean, I know ignorance is real, but I'm shocked still that anyone in my highly educated milieu would think that phrasing is ok.
Did my taxes!
Did I beat you, Drops?
All of which is conspiring to imbue me with this feeling of enormous dis-ease and solicit a friendly reminder from my local beast that alcohol is always an option. Actually, no, beast. No it's not. Copious quantities of sugar and chocolate and caffeine are options. Any number of self-care or slovenly actions/inactions are options. Drinking? Ah hellll no.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hey, Drops, I'm a'ight.
My butt sits in or stands next to this office chair for far too many hours/day and still I'm not keeping up with work. To be fair, though, I am doing one hell of a good job, running circles around the drinking O. So there's that.
Middlest arrived in town yesterday. Her text said she was going to wait awhile before coming over to make sure she wasn't sick. We still haven't spoken and she does not respond to follow-up questions, so this is all I know. Told my sponsor yesterday that I think I'm prepared for whatever goes down, but actually I don't know how to do that, as I have no idea what that might entail. Eldest had a rough Friday but seems to be on the upswing today, so I'm happy for that.
Me, myself? I'm ten days away from six months, girl! This particular countdown seems to be the most drawn out ever. Not sure why, although 6 months does seem to be a fairly significant milestone. A half of a year! Me! Who woulda thunk. In the meeting I just left, they were talking about changing up your routine in early sobriety. That's kind of a trick given that I'm home All Of The Time, but I am doing things that make me feel satisfied. Cleaning under the stove (!), sorting through a basket of junk from time to time, being obsessive about keeping the dishes washed and put away and the counters wiped down.
A very nice thing is that I no longer engage in debate with the AV. I don't have any time-of-day or location type of triggers, so I don't have to do the whole "drive in a zigzag to the grocery store to avoid the liquor store" thing. And I've never once since leaving rehab even entertained the thought of maybe possibly actually consuming alcohol. Sure, the idea has occurred to me, but only as a way AV suggests as helpful. I go, "nah" and move along and then try to remember later to take note of what was going on that might have let that sliver of AV show its face. It's hard work, this being aware stuff. But so worth it.
When I bought this house, I had to have two mortgages for some reason I don't recall. The second smaller one matured 7/15. The bank sent me a letter that said, "Pay the balance in full or you'll owe us $900 in late fees." Thank the Universe that I happened to open that one - I'd been in the habit of just ignoring the invoice and paying it each month. So anyhow, it was too late to refinance, so I scrimped and moved money around and figured out a way to just pay the thing off. My final car payment was right at the same time. I feel good about these things and am now fantasizing about paying the first mortgage down over maybe the next five years. We'll see. I've got plenty of work to get done around the house (paint, floors, remove a rotting ramp) and maybe should focus on that first. Plus also paying off my rehab credit card bill.
I found a coupon for 30% off at Kohls, so had a good old time picking out a new microwave and a crock pot with clips on it, plus some candles on sale. The microwave I have is probably at least 20 years old, so I think a new one is in order. The crock pot is younger, but there's a cat who lives here that knocks the lid off that one. There's no door on the kitchen, so that's a dilemma. Problem solved! What with the discount and the gift card I found sitting around, I feel like I made out like a bandit. Had to force myself to stop though - "If I could think of other things to buy, I'd save so much more money!"
That vast emptiness showed up Saturday. I was feeling kind of wobbly but then a friend from the sober home called and we had a great chat so it got better. Must. Not. Isolate.
I'm sure there's a ton of minutiae I could continue to relate, but I'm boring myself.
How are you?
My butt sits in or stands next to this office chair for far too many hours/day and still I'm not keeping up with work. To be fair, though, I am doing one hell of a good job, running circles around the drinking O. So there's that.
Middlest arrived in town yesterday. Her text said she was going to wait awhile before coming over to make sure she wasn't sick. We still haven't spoken and she does not respond to follow-up questions, so this is all I know. Told my sponsor yesterday that I think I'm prepared for whatever goes down, but actually I don't know how to do that, as I have no idea what that might entail. Eldest had a rough Friday but seems to be on the upswing today, so I'm happy for that.
Me, myself? I'm ten days away from six months, girl! This particular countdown seems to be the most drawn out ever. Not sure why, although 6 months does seem to be a fairly significant milestone. A half of a year! Me! Who woulda thunk. In the meeting I just left, they were talking about changing up your routine in early sobriety. That's kind of a trick given that I'm home All Of The Time, but I am doing things that make me feel satisfied. Cleaning under the stove (!), sorting through a basket of junk from time to time, being obsessive about keeping the dishes washed and put away and the counters wiped down.
A very nice thing is that I no longer engage in debate with the AV. I don't have any time-of-day or location type of triggers, so I don't have to do the whole "drive in a zigzag to the grocery store to avoid the liquor store" thing. And I've never once since leaving rehab even entertained the thought of maybe possibly actually consuming alcohol. Sure, the idea has occurred to me, but only as a way AV suggests as helpful. I go, "nah" and move along and then try to remember later to take note of what was going on that might have let that sliver of AV show its face. It's hard work, this being aware stuff. But so worth it.
When I bought this house, I had to have two mortgages for some reason I don't recall. The second smaller one matured 7/15. The bank sent me a letter that said, "Pay the balance in full or you'll owe us $900 in late fees." Thank the Universe that I happened to open that one - I'd been in the habit of just ignoring the invoice and paying it each month. So anyhow, it was too late to refinance, so I scrimped and moved money around and figured out a way to just pay the thing off. My final car payment was right at the same time. I feel good about these things and am now fantasizing about paying the first mortgage down over maybe the next five years. We'll see. I've got plenty of work to get done around the house (paint, floors, remove a rotting ramp) and maybe should focus on that first. Plus also paying off my rehab credit card bill.
I found a coupon for 30% off at Kohls, so had a good old time picking out a new microwave and a crock pot with clips on it, plus some candles on sale. The microwave I have is probably at least 20 years old, so I think a new one is in order. The crock pot is younger, but there's a cat who lives here that knocks the lid off that one. There's no door on the kitchen, so that's a dilemma. Problem solved! What with the discount and the gift card I found sitting around, I feel like I made out like a bandit. Had to force myself to stop though - "If I could think of other things to buy, I'd save so much more money!"
That vast emptiness showed up Saturday. I was feeling kind of wobbly but then a friend from the sober home called and we had a great chat so it got better. Must. Not. Isolate.
I'm sure there's a ton of minutiae I could continue to relate, but I'm boring myself.
How are you?
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I am so much less of a crappy person when I'm sober.
I had a bit of an upset with a colleague yesterday. She sent me a rather snippy note instructing me on what not to do when I hadn't done that thing at all. Upon investigation, I found that the algorithm for that piece of software changed and automatically did the thing for me without my knowledge or consent. I shared that information with her and with the other impacted teams, then sent her a 15-minute appointment for this morning. Told her I'd been a bit offended by her phrasing given that she's worked with me for eight years and should know me better than that. She said that's not what she'd meant at all (it was, I have the message to look back on) and she apologized. I did not argue with her about what she'd actually said, then moved right along to talking about how to improve this situation. All better!
Before this conversation, I reminded myself of a couple of things I'd learned - one was in a lecture at the rehab and the second I learned years ago at a "Crucial Conversations" training. I learned to set some positive affirmations before the conversation - in this case, it was "I am confident, curious, and caring." The other thing I learned is to be straightforward and factual and express my feelings about those facts. Oh, and to assume we're on the same side! "I was concerned when I read your message because you assumed that I did something that I actually did not do. And I would think you would know me better than that."
There's a guy on my team that is really seething about the attitude and actions of a woman I used to work with. I've been able to share some of this interpersonal relationship stuff with him in the hope that it might reduce the toll on him personally. I think it does. A little?
There's another woman on my team who has an Indian name. I noticed for the umpteenth time today that another of our colleagues pronounces her name differently than I do. So I messaged her and asked if I was saying her name wrong? She said, "You say it right, but there are a couple of people who repeatedly say it wrong despite me correcting them a number of times. I just gave up." I suggested that I could innocently pounce on the wrong pronunciation in a team meeting when both of the culprits are present and ask her what the correct way is. She liked that idea. That's what we ally gringos are supposed to do, right?
These are situations I intuitively know how to handle that used to baffle me. Gotta love me some promises.
My new microwave came. I checked the labels on the back of the old one and it was only 16 years old! Somebody will feel fortunate when they find it for sale at Goodwill. Win-win. Eldest can use my old crock pot since her cat is the one who knocks the lid off and he lives with me. (This is the cat I'm holding onto for "awhile" as of when she moved into her apartment two years ago.)
I've got a note on my white board that asks, "What will I do next time I get depressed?" I don't know yet, but I think it's foolish to think that won't happen again if I just keep doing all of the right things. Because in actuality it doesn't seem to be entirely preventable (hence the diagnosis) and also the most reliable sign of going to that dark place is that I stop doing some of those things. A bit of a pickle, that one. Please submit your suggestions to the box right below this message. Thanks!
I had a bit of an upset with a colleague yesterday. She sent me a rather snippy note instructing me on what not to do when I hadn't done that thing at all. Upon investigation, I found that the algorithm for that piece of software changed and automatically did the thing for me without my knowledge or consent. I shared that information with her and with the other impacted teams, then sent her a 15-minute appointment for this morning. Told her I'd been a bit offended by her phrasing given that she's worked with me for eight years and should know me better than that. She said that's not what she'd meant at all (it was, I have the message to look back on) and she apologized. I did not argue with her about what she'd actually said, then moved right along to talking about how to improve this situation. All better!
Before this conversation, I reminded myself of a couple of things I'd learned - one was in a lecture at the rehab and the second I learned years ago at a "Crucial Conversations" training. I learned to set some positive affirmations before the conversation - in this case, it was "I am confident, curious, and caring." The other thing I learned is to be straightforward and factual and express my feelings about those facts. Oh, and to assume we're on the same side! "I was concerned when I read your message because you assumed that I did something that I actually did not do. And I would think you would know me better than that."
There's a guy on my team that is really seething about the attitude and actions of a woman I used to work with. I've been able to share some of this interpersonal relationship stuff with him in the hope that it might reduce the toll on him personally. I think it does. A little?
There's another woman on my team who has an Indian name. I noticed for the umpteenth time today that another of our colleagues pronounces her name differently than I do. So I messaged her and asked if I was saying her name wrong? She said, "You say it right, but there are a couple of people who repeatedly say it wrong despite me correcting them a number of times. I just gave up." I suggested that I could innocently pounce on the wrong pronunciation in a team meeting when both of the culprits are present and ask her what the correct way is. She liked that idea. That's what we ally gringos are supposed to do, right?
These are situations I intuitively know how to handle that used to baffle me. Gotta love me some promises.
My new microwave came. I checked the labels on the back of the old one and it was only 16 years old! Somebody will feel fortunate when they find it for sale at Goodwill. Win-win. Eldest can use my old crock pot since her cat is the one who knocks the lid off and he lives with me. (This is the cat I'm holding onto for "awhile" as of when she moved into her apartment two years ago.)
I've got a note on my white board that asks, "What will I do next time I get depressed?" I don't know yet, but I think it's foolish to think that won't happen again if I just keep doing all of the right things. Because in actuality it doesn't seem to be entirely preventable (hence the diagnosis) and also the most reliable sign of going to that dark place is that I stop doing some of those things. A bit of a pickle, that one. Please submit your suggestions to the box right below this message. Thanks!
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,284
. Ok, every composed thing is always de-composing. A fundamental, core essence of reality is that it is continuously, without ceasing, changing.
Change is inherent. Everything, from moment to moment, changes. There is absolutely nothing in this reality that does not change. Every moment, every split second.
Yet, in the face of this inescapable truth, so much energy is expended in attempts to slow down, to control, to halt that change.
When those attempts, inevitably, fail there is misery.
There is misery because something wanted has not happened.
There is misery because something unwanted has happened.
There is misery because something wanted has not stayed.
There is misery because something unwanted has not gone away.
"grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"
Well, I can not change change. So, I accept change.
Now starts a process akin to fasting.
When I fast the body starts to consume old nutriments stored up in fat cells. Also stored up are various unwanted chemicals.
When these unwanteds are released into the bloodstream they must be dealt with and expelled as waste.
In the same way, when accepting the changing nature of reality, all the stored up wants and miseries start to be released.
So, quite seemingly counterintuitively, there is an initial increase in the level of depression and the underlying tendencies already in place as old bad habits assert themselves and the acceptance is abandoned.
And so the cycle of misery continues...
If, however one understands what is really happening one seeks to learn how to maintain the accepting mind state and lets the cleansing continue to the end.
Change is inherent. Everything, from moment to moment, changes. There is absolutely nothing in this reality that does not change. Every moment, every split second.
Yet, in the face of this inescapable truth, so much energy is expended in attempts to slow down, to control, to halt that change.
When those attempts, inevitably, fail there is misery.
There is misery because something wanted has not happened.
There is misery because something unwanted has happened.
There is misery because something wanted has not stayed.
There is misery because something unwanted has not gone away.
"grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"
Well, I can not change change. So, I accept change.
Now starts a process akin to fasting.
When I fast the body starts to consume old nutriments stored up in fat cells. Also stored up are various unwanted chemicals.
When these unwanteds are released into the bloodstream they must be dealt with and expelled as waste.
In the same way, when accepting the changing nature of reality, all the stored up wants and miseries start to be released.
So, quite seemingly counterintuitively, there is an initial increase in the level of depression and the underlying tendencies already in place as old bad habits assert themselves and the acceptance is abandoned.
And so the cycle of misery continues...
If, however one understands what is really happening one seeks to learn how to maintain the accepting mind state and lets the cleansing continue to the end.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Thanks, Grymt.
The answer on my whiteboard is now
* Do nothing
* Do not judge
* Just sit with it
Funny thing is I've always thought of myself as a person who really likes change; my experience is that others seem to have a much more difficult time with it than I do. But I never classified my feelings, moods, thoughts as changing in the same manner that all things change. Those conditions were either to be appreciated (accepted) or dismissed (rejected, resisted, revised, amended, corrected). What you say about mental detox makes complete sense to me. It's what I practice every time I meditate, no? Yes.
I'm not sure quite that looks like, but I really appreciate the concept and will use the intervening time to absorb and practice
The answer on my whiteboard is now
* Do nothing
* Do not judge
* Just sit with it
Funny thing is I've always thought of myself as a person who really likes change; my experience is that others seem to have a much more difficult time with it than I do. But I never classified my feelings, moods, thoughts as changing in the same manner that all things change. Those conditions were either to be appreciated (accepted) or dismissed (rejected, resisted, revised, amended, corrected). What you say about mental detox makes complete sense to me. It's what I practice every time I meditate, no? Yes.
I'm not sure quite that looks like, but I really appreciate the concept and will use the intervening time to absorb and practice
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Middlest has been in town since Monday, I think. Eldest, knowing we had a riff, arranged to bring dinner to my house and middlest agreed to eldest's request to join us. I had some anxiety leading up to that, but nothing out of control and when I felt it, I just focused inward for a few moments and reiterated my affirmation that I am kind, curious and compassionate. Dinner was nice, everything was pleasant and we sat in the living room for a little bit after. Middlest said something about moving in as if she was going ahead with the plan and I said that I'd like her to stop over another day to talk it over. "Why can't we talk right now?" Because I'd rather not do that with an audience. "Well if you're going to tell me I can't move in, you can just say 'no' right now." I don't plan to say no, I just want to clear the air and get some expectations clear. So that was alright. Nothing heated or nasty, just some boundaries drawn on my side of the street. Finally.
Eldest told me later that middlest did not want to arrive first - she had been instructed to text middlest when she arrived. I said, hm. Wonder what she thought might happen if we were alone together? And I was then glad that I had been prepared to welcome the girl into my home with a warm hug and sincere unconditional love. And that's exactly how I comported myself.
I scheduled and followed through on a concern I had with another colleague this morning. Said that I'd appreciate it if he'd consistently bring me in the loop when he's wanting to work on things with other people on my team. First off because people expect me to know what's going on and second because people don't tend to be great about communicating clearly when a problem is discovered. He expressed that he was very glad that I'd scheduled this time to talk because he felt he was put in a bad position by others expecting him to solve a problem that really needed attention from both of our teams. He's no more a fan of the hot potato game than I am. This assuming others' have the best of intentions is a really great strategy. My defensiveness has been put on ice and that's where I intend to keep it.
Eldest told me later that middlest did not want to arrive first - she had been instructed to text middlest when she arrived. I said, hm. Wonder what she thought might happen if we were alone together? And I was then glad that I had been prepared to welcome the girl into my home with a warm hug and sincere unconditional love. And that's exactly how I comported myself.
I scheduled and followed through on a concern I had with another colleague this morning. Said that I'd appreciate it if he'd consistently bring me in the loop when he's wanting to work on things with other people on my team. First off because people expect me to know what's going on and second because people don't tend to be great about communicating clearly when a problem is discovered. He expressed that he was very glad that I'd scheduled this time to talk because he felt he was put in a bad position by others expecting him to solve a problem that really needed attention from both of our teams. He's no more a fan of the hot potato game than I am. This assuming others' have the best of intentions is a really great strategy. My defensiveness has been put on ice and that's where I intend to keep it.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Thanks, Hawk
When I told K Saturday about the middlest events, she asked me if I had an emotional hangover. I said i was sure I did but it was more of a low-grade sort of thing. Well... it's a little bit higher grade today. I slept three hours later than usual and when I woke up thought, "Now just how am I going to have this conversation without reference to an amend, which I'm not really equipped to do yet?" K responded to my text asking her to talk by saying, "Let's talk about Steps 6 & 7." I said, "I'm intrigued, ok let's."
For the uninitiated, Step 6 is that we became entirely ready to have our shortcomings removed, 7 is we humbly asked for those things to be removed which stand int he way of our usefulness. When I worked 6 previously, I had a bit of a tussle with myself over identifying just what these defects were and how to be sure I caught them all when asking for them to be removed. Gottalife helped me to understand that decision is up to my Higher Power - I just need to be willing to get on board with both feet and ask for direction. I'm on board. Apparently some people have a real problem with wanting to hold onto their defects. I don't really get that, but I guess it's along the lines of that old saw, "God, please make me good, but not quite yet."
I just realized while driving around today that I have a good amount of equity in my home. How strange. And how weird is it that creditors (a) don't count equity into your credit rating and (b) their yardstick for debt ratio on revolving debt is less than 6% on your available credit lines? I gather that to increase my credit rating to stellar, all I need to is get more credit, which I don't need. Because why in the world would you need to have 95% credit on reserve? Economics is weird.
Went out for coffee with my social isolating friend today. We have a deal and followed through on it by no hemming and hawing - we just went for coffee. And it was nice. It's a little hard to break that old habit of avoiding plans because I never knew what shape I was going to be in. More challenging still what with this enforced isolation. But that's no excuse. So there.
When I told K Saturday about the middlest events, she asked me if I had an emotional hangover. I said i was sure I did but it was more of a low-grade sort of thing. Well... it's a little bit higher grade today. I slept three hours later than usual and when I woke up thought, "Now just how am I going to have this conversation without reference to an amend, which I'm not really equipped to do yet?" K responded to my text asking her to talk by saying, "Let's talk about Steps 6 & 7." I said, "I'm intrigued, ok let's."
For the uninitiated, Step 6 is that we became entirely ready to have our shortcomings removed, 7 is we humbly asked for those things to be removed which stand int he way of our usefulness. When I worked 6 previously, I had a bit of a tussle with myself over identifying just what these defects were and how to be sure I caught them all when asking for them to be removed. Gottalife helped me to understand that decision is up to my Higher Power - I just need to be willing to get on board with both feet and ask for direction. I'm on board. Apparently some people have a real problem with wanting to hold onto their defects. I don't really get that, but I guess it's along the lines of that old saw, "God, please make me good, but not quite yet."
I just realized while driving around today that I have a good amount of equity in my home. How strange. And how weird is it that creditors (a) don't count equity into your credit rating and (b) their yardstick for debt ratio on revolving debt is less than 6% on your available credit lines? I gather that to increase my credit rating to stellar, all I need to is get more credit, which I don't need. Because why in the world would you need to have 95% credit on reserve? Economics is weird.
Went out for coffee with my social isolating friend today. We have a deal and followed through on it by no hemming and hawing - we just went for coffee.
And it was nice. It's a little hard to break that old habit of avoiding plans because I never knew what shape I was going to be in. More challenging still what with this enforced isolation. But that's no excuse. So there.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
This is great -- This assuming others' have the best of intentions is a really great strategy.
Along the same lines, about middlest, perhaps you could think about letting her take the lead in your convo. She might surprise you.
And after you see what she has to say, you can see what still needs to be said.
With my eldest, we do the same dance.
I can say though, that no matter how good our mutual intentions are, we always have a huge fight every couple days we are together. I did the same with my mother. The way we roll. Does not make us bad people, just mother and daughter.
You may both need to accept that if she moves in that a fight is not the end of world. And harsh things will be said. And apologies will be made.
But no matter what, I cannot drink over it. At least in my case, my eldest reminds me so much of my EX that the thought does cross my mind sometimes. But if it does more than flash accross my mind, one of us gotta go. So far, it has not ever been that bad, but it could and I would and she would want me too.
Long way of saying, be careful. You are taking a risk so be aware and have a plan in place that does not involve vodka.
XXX
Along the same lines, about middlest, perhaps you could think about letting her take the lead in your convo. She might surprise you.
And after you see what she has to say, you can see what still needs to be said.
With my eldest, we do the same dance.
I can say though, that no matter how good our mutual intentions are, we always have a huge fight every couple days we are together. I did the same with my mother. The way we roll. Does not make us bad people, just mother and daughter.
You may both need to accept that if she moves in that a fight is not the end of world. And harsh things will be said. And apologies will be made.
But no matter what, I cannot drink over it. At least in my case, my eldest reminds me so much of my EX that the thought does cross my mind sometimes. But if it does more than flash accross my mind, one of us gotta go. So far, it has not ever been that bad, but it could and I would and she would want me too.
Long way of saying, be careful. You are taking a risk so be aware and have a plan in place that does not involve vodka.
XXX
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Thanks, Drops. I think it's a good idea to let middlest take the lead in this conversation, though I am skeptical that she will want to do that. She doesn't like doing feelings. Clearly. It's none of my business what she was angry with me about, so if she chooses not to tell me at this time, I need to accept that.
Had a good chat with K and what we sussed out were these conditions:
- My sobriety comes before anything else
- My home needs to be a safe place to me. Therefore, I absolutely can not tolerate these things under my roof:
1. Alcohol
2. Freezing people out indefinitely
3. Eggshell walking
4. Messiness
- If any of the above become a problem (or other things I may not have thought of yet), they will have 2 weeks to find another place to live.
We agree I'm not prepared to make amends yet, but if any of that comes up I can certainly hear her and thank her for telling me whatever might be on her mind.
Thinking about this right now, I think too that I'd best "warn" middlest that I'm not the same person I was before. The last six months have been devoted to working on myself and I've still got a long way to go. So while I might not be clear in my words or thoughts and may later need to restate or revise, I'm doing my best and my intent is to do what's best for both of us.
Vodka is not an option.
Had a good chat with K and what we sussed out were these conditions:
- My sobriety comes before anything else
- My home needs to be a safe place to me. Therefore, I absolutely can not tolerate these things under my roof:
1. Alcohol
2. Freezing people out indefinitely
3. Eggshell walking
4. Messiness
- If any of the above become a problem (or other things I may not have thought of yet), they will have 2 weeks to find another place to live.
We agree I'm not prepared to make amends yet, but if any of that comes up I can certainly hear her and thank her for telling me whatever might be on her mind.
Thinking about this right now, I think too that I'd best "warn" middlest that I'm not the same person I was before. The last six months have been devoted to working on myself and I've still got a long way to go. So while I might not be clear in my words or thoughts and may later need to restate or revise, I'm doing my best and my intent is to do what's best for both of us.
Vodka is not an option.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Middlest stopped by today without warning. I had to put pants on!
I'm glad she did that; I might've gotten anxious had I known to expect her. I'm glad too that I wrote about the plan this morning - it really helped me to be grounded. And it went just fine.
She didn't want to talk about the past several months aside from telling me that being pushed to communicate is very triggering for her. Good think I've learned my lesson on that one. She told me that things in general had just been hard for her too. Makes sense.
And so we begin again.
I'm glad she did that; I might've gotten anxious had I known to expect her. I'm glad too that I wrote about the plan this morning - it really helped me to be grounded. And it went just fine.
She didn't want to talk about the past several months aside from telling me that being pushed to communicate is very triggering for her. Good think I've learned my lesson on that one. She told me that things in general had just been hard for her too. Makes sense.
And so we begin again.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I've no idea how I'm ever supposed to go back to the office again.
The driving, the pants, the shoes - the agony!
Middlest has already started in on renovations she'd suggested for her living space.
I dig it.
The driving, the pants, the shoes - the agony!
Middlest has already started in on renovations she'd suggested for her living space.
I dig it.
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