Obladi

Thanks, I didn't think it up, but I started noticing this to be true. Grymt is fond of reminding me that feelings are just feelings, they are neither good nor bad, and letting go of what feels like a need to judge our feelings is a good place to start. I feel lonely sometimes, for sure. Like a loser, a pain in the rear end, too needy, too unattractive, too old, too... pitiful! I judge myself as if I'm doing it on your behalf - if I beat you to the punch, it will lessen the sting. But it doesn't. Instead, I follow the vortex of swirling emotion into the vodka pool and things only get worse from there.

The book "The Four Agreements" really tripped my trigger this go-round. Don't do a web search and just walk away with the nutshell version. It really needs to be read to be understood. Anyhow, the concept I'm thinking of now is "be impeccable with your word." I love this sentence on so many levels, but had to read the book to absorb that this directive applies to your (my) self-talk. And that there is a very sound reason for how we got to be this way. Pretty much most of what we judge about ourselves or others is based on our socialization, which is &^*%d up.

Of course it has. Same for me. White knuckling absolutely sucks. And also, in my experience, it doesn't work. Because by the time my knuckles are white, I'm already done in... the battle is all but one for the beastly addiction. Not how you feel about the AA "Big Book," but this is exactly what is described as the insanity of alcoholism. We drink even though we don't want to; because we have to. So in my view at this point in time, I must do everything in my power to get to White Knuckle Point because as soon as I arrive there, it feels like there is no way to prevent diving into the abyss.

I'm sure it doesn't help, but it's no excuse and we both know it. Think about it for a second - who is enabling who if you are bopping over to the shop for mom's liquor? Actually, it sounds like you guys are codependent. If you buy that, then there are things you can do. Stop going to the shop for good old mom. Move out. Lock yourself in separate quarters a la our friend RockBottom. Join a support group in your area. They are all virtual at the moment, but you could start familiarizing yourself with the regulars by seeing them on your computer/phone/device. Read. Go to rehab or outpatient treatment. Don't just sit there, feeling.

Man, I gottta say... I knew this thing was serious. But I had abso-freakin no idea how hard I'd need to work to get myself cured. Actually, I think I did, but my goal was to get back to previous status quo miserable state. Somewhere along the line, things have changed, and that's just not a good enough aspiration anymore. So climbing out and staying out of the vortex, I have to work as hard at this as I have ever worked at anything in my life. And for me, that means changing my entire perspective, viewing things in a different way, physically demonstrating my commitment by literally doing the right things, and being extremely cautious about judging just about any situation I may face.

Not sure if any of that rings true for you, but I wanted to share in case it might.

Obladi

Shoot, my proof-reading was inadequate. I meant, of course, that I need to do everything in my power NOT to get to White Knuckle Point.

And also, I didn't intend to "highlight" that entire sentence, but I like that I did. It conveys how dead serious I am and what a truly dangerous thing it is to let anything slide. Not in an OCD way, but in a way where I decide what I will do each and every day, and then DO it. I don't make it every day, but I make the majority of my very small and achievable list every day and I keep on trying. I think it's the only way. For me. For the foreseeable future.

O

Dee74

At some point thos that needs to become possible or no one would ever stop drinking.
For me the key turning points were finding support and using it, and accepting that I was in a very bad toxic relationship with alcohol that would never and could never change.
I often felt as if I had no choice either. I felt the imperative to drink.

But support and acceptance- along with a large dollop of fear that I was going to die - gave me back my awareness of my power of choice.
I firmly believe there is always another choice and another road to take.
D