This makes total sense to me. Addiction is such a hellish thing because there’s such a battle in your mind. The rational you wants to be sober, but the addicted you wants to drink. So the addicted you doesn’t want to put in any work, but the rational you wishes the addicted you would buckle down and work for it. It’s this bizarre fight. I promise you, it gets easier in time. If you’ve only made it to three months, you haven’t made it long enough to see that. But believe me. It will get much easier.

Well, my advice (which I got from someone else here and it worked for me), was please don’t try to take any of that inventory or answer any of those many questions right now. I know that sounds contrary to what many others might say, but it really worked for me. Someone explained to me, “due to your years of addiction, your brain is broken. Don’t try to use it.” They were right. It takes time for your brain to heal enough so that you can actually answer those questions and take that inventory honestly. Your brain literally isn’t working in a healthy way right now. One example is that you don’t have enough gray matter to make good decisions. Google it. It’ll grow back in time, but it’s not there yet. It takes like a year, from what I’ve read. I’m not a scientist. Also, your sober neural pathways aren’t up and running. Your addicted ones are. And this is making you not clearly be able to take the inventory or answer the questions in an correct and clear way. My point is - don’t try to use a brain that’s broken just like you wouldn’t use a leg that’s broken. Just believe us that it’s broken. Don’t use it (meaning don’t use it to think about or consider your drinking - bc what your addicted brain is REALLY trying to do is convince you to drink) for a long while. Because there’s nothing you’re trying to figure out. You already have the only answer that matters: you can’t drink. You’re addicted. Done. You are addicted or you wouldn’t be on this website right now. People without drinking problems don’t go onto addiction websites. It’s just a fact. So the smart, rational you knows that you have a problem and you can’t drink. Nothing else to figure out for now. Just remember that and don’t drink for six months no matter what (if you’re tempted, remind yourself you don’t yet have the grey matter in your brain to be able to make a decision like that and know it’s a wise one) and then when things are easier you can get into answering any of the questions you want to delve into. This worked for me.

1. Yes, you really want to actually change, or you wouldn’t be on this website right now. The addicted you (not the real you) is trying to make you doubt what you want. Don’t believe it! Ignore that beast.

2. Compromising what?! Hell no, you’re not compromising anything. You will be healthier, wealthier, more at peace, safer, and happier when (not if!) you are sober. I KNOW you don’t believe this right now (I didn’t believe it at all in the beginning), but I swear to you it’s true. I promise you. You will be so happy you made this decision. Think of this as a fight. The real you is trying to beat the addicted you. I know the real you can do it. Fight for it. Don’t look ahead a lifetime. Fight for six months. I know at that point, the fight will get much easier and easier each day and you’ll be so glad you stuck in the marathon. Just keep going. We are rooting you on!

I understand all of this so well. I am double diagnosed too (like many addicts). I know my mental illness (depression/anxiety/OCD) caused my addiction. Like you, I also went undiagnosed/misdiagnosed for many, many years.

And I often felt like a combat vet, too. I understand you completely. And yes, you are damaged, but not permanently. In fact, each day you are sober and correctly medicated for your bipolar, you are fixing yourself. I am 44 years old and nearly 11 months sober. It has taken this long sober and medicated to FINALLY feel like I am no longer damaged. It's bizarre to feel, well, "normal". But...I DO feel so normal and peaceful now. And, I swear it's true, I feel so damn PROUD. It is damn hard what you've gone through. Hell, really. Mental illness and addiction are so stigmatized and you are so, so judged, when you didn't choose either, anymore than someone chooses to have diabetes or cancer. And, even worse, we judge ourselves because we don't understand what is going on and why we are acting and feeling the way we do. This is not your fault. Listen, you have a real shot now. A shot at a great life. You are no longer undiagnosed and you now know you have an addiction (you do know this!). You are at a superb starting point for having a new life. A real life where you thrive, not just survive. Give yourself that life! What can you lose? Honestly, what can you possibly lose by trying? By promising to give up alcohol for just six months (I know you'll want to keep going once you get that far. As the saying goes, nothing ruins alcoholism like a good stretch of sobriety). Don't you owe it to yourself to really give that a shot? I know you are trying so hard right now, I can tell that. I just say that they'll be lots of times when you will question your decision. When the addicted you will try to trick you. Just promise yourself 6 months. I beg you.

Please PM me if I can be of any help.

You can do this. I promise you it's worth it. I understand the hell you've been through. I really do. I want this for you so badly.

Just one day at a time. You got this. Stop doing the hardest part (which is quitting) over and over and over again. Give yourself a BREAK. I swear to you it’ll get so much easier. Just one day at a time. Tell yourself you can drink at 100 days if you’d like. Just take it in small chunks. If it remained this hard and like what you’re going through right now, no one would remain quit. But it doesn’t. I swear to you. You have nothing to lose by trying this for 100 days. You can do this. You can. And I’ll tell you, at 322 days sober now, it is SO much easier than at 200 days, which was SO much easier than 100 days. You just need distance from your addiction and your desire to drink will fade. I know it’s nearly impossible to believe this. I surely didn’t. I was going on blind faith when I quit. And guess what? It’s worked. And it can for you too. Xx