Vino88

Hi everybody!

I would really like to read some advice about how to handle the situation I am in.

My life has become a total mess. I am 31-years old male and I have NOTHING! No job, no girlfriend, no money, no car, no house, my friends are leaving me, my parents are loosing all their hope ... I have a law degree, a lot of debts and a very supportive father - he sees himself in me and blames himself for everything I've become. A manipulative lier, a total looser with no real prosperity about his future. Today my father stated that he should not have had me. I should not have been born. My mother also said that it would be better that I never existed in this world. All my friends prospere in their life. I am the only one who has totally failed. And I only digg deeper and deeper.

I don't know what to do. My alcoholic voice is saying that I should just drunk myself to death. I can't see any future. I am not depressed "per se" but I am totally incapable in this situation. I should have gone in rehab in two days but my treatmant was postponed "ad infinitum" because of corona virus.

Even though I feel like I am some kind of state of spiritual awakening or maturing up (I feel that I've changed a lot since I don't drink as much as I did before) and some deep voice inside me tells me not to give up. But my "status quo" is totally unbereable for me and my family. I am a total disaster. I have nothing to show to this world.

Please tell me that it is not too late. I feel like I missed so much things. I couldn't keep any job nor a partner, I spent almost 50.000 EUR only on drugs and alcohol and I am totally, totally lost.

What can I do? I am afraid that I will get totally wasted some day and literally just jump out of the window.

Vino88

I just told my mother that we should be cautious ... that I am afraid to get drunk and do something stupid.

Her answer was:"Are you crazy? What is going on with you? Are you trying to blackmail me?"

I just put my head down and went back into my room.

aasharon90

It's not too late. Your life is not over. You have a degree, which
is truly a gift. You are young and the same age as myself when
I entered recovery.

It's time to take care of you and remove yourself from all
the negativeness that surrounds you.

Not everyone has had good family life growing up. I
am one with a disfunctional family in which I had to leave
behind while learning how to live life sober.

Some 29 yrs sober and I am still distant from them, but,
the door is slightly open as time has gone by and I have
grown and matured since all that went on in my childhood
life.

For me to remain healthy, happy and sober, it is my
responsibility to protect my sobriety and not all anyone,
including family to disturb it.

As long as you are still holding onto your addiction then
it is hard to comprehend serenity, peace and where you
belong in this world.

We all have a purpose in life, even when the world seems
crazy at times, there will be certain things that you will
want to hold on tight to get you thru them.

Mine is my faith and recovery lifelines, support and an effective
recovery program I use as a guideline to live by to achieve many
of lifes rewarding gifts.

You're very young and have soooo much life ahead of you. Get
into recovery and leave your addiction behind you for good
and have a purpose in life which will be discovered before you
know it.

You are here for a purpose and reason. A good reason.

sugarbear1

Your life's barely begun and you can turn all of this around. Most likely you are taking their words out of context and if you were sober, you'd realize it.

I got sober at 50 and rebuilt my life. Today I'm 58 with 8 years sober. You can certainly get sober and build the rest of your life at 31. I wish you well on your sober journey!

Vino88

Thank you A LOT!

My father said to me:"Well, some day you are going to look yourself in the mirror and you'll notice that you are old. You will se a grey hair here and there ... and you have not accomplished anything. Get yourself together, don't dream about being lawyer, just take any job that comes around. We will not be here for you for ever."

I am in a such existential crisis right now ... But I feel like it is kind of awakening. Hard to explain. I can't point it out to others, I just feel it deep down in myself.

Nathan57

Vino - you are SO Young. You can absolutely have a great life for yourself. First of all, stop talking to your parents as much as you can for now. Second, you have a law degree - that is a big deal. Use that to start building your future. Use that degree to get a job - any job - and you can build from that.

Start with the job. Right now, use that degree. Get a job - any job - and move out, get your own place, you might have to have roomates for awhile, and go from there.

aasharon90

Each step you take sober is a stepping stone to building
a strong solid foundation to live your life upon as you move
forward.

Find a support group, use SR which is open 24/7, ask
questions for suggestions on anything and everything
you need help with. Never hesitate to ask for help.

Many use SR each and everyday learning how to live
a sober life and collect as many life and recovery tools
to get them further down the road.

Many use the AA program of recovery which is what
I was taught and continue to use on a daily bases to
help me achieve health, happiness and honesty in all
my affairs.

Many use a theraphists or councilor, anyone with knowledge
in teaching us how to live a sober happy life.

Remember you are never alone as long as you stay
connected to all the lifelines available to you and
others.

We all have to do the footwork to get some where's
in life and get us to where we want to go. If you need
help, like many of us do, ask and we will guide you with
each step you take.

If you like what others have in recovery, follow them
until you are strong in your own recovery, then pass on
what you are learning to the next person who is just
beginning their own recovery life and is in need of support
too.

saoutchik

Hi Vino!

At 31 you can DEFINITELY turn things around. Your addicts voice will always say you might as well drink for one reason or another because as addicts we are always looking for justifications to indulge our addiction. That is the nature of it.

First things first. You HAVE to get sober, that is the first step in rebuilding your life. It's annoying that your rehab has been cancelled but formal rehab is not essential. It will be hard but it is do-able.

As you are not working I would recommend you stay out of your home for much of the daylight hours as being in it will reinforce the bad feelings you have about your current situation and it will reduce the time spent listening to any negative things your parents might say. Walk to the library or to the parks or woods. That will also help with being able to sleep and reducing the time in the evening when for most of us the cravings are strongest. Like I say, hard but do-able.

The thing is because it is not easy, if you do quit and get a chunk of sober time behind you - the standard 90 days for example - your self respect will improve by leaps and bounds and a certain amount of confidence and resilience will follow that. I'm sure a sober you can find an employer who wants someone with a law degree. You might then be a couple of years behind your colleagues but if you do a good job that won't matter.

You CAN do it Vino.

saoutchik

Btw Vino, if you wanted more eyeballs looking at your opening post you could copy it and put it in the Newcomers to Recovery Thread which tends to get more "looks"

PhoenixJ

Outside help is a must do for me, V. Meetings, GP, psychologist...and SR (the first thing I do every morning is make coffee- then log in here...)
As to what you have and have not- I lost everything, including my life three times on that fateful day. A human really could not have fallen much lower, but I got through it. The main thing is to remember booze and drugs does not help- it may cause a fleeting moment of oblivion or escape- but the real world is still going to there afterwards. Look through all the different things SR has to offer...I am around 4y sober now- from drinking 5L of cardboard wine a day...this is not a competition, but I am stressing to you- you have an awareness, so use it to your benefit.
My support to you.

fini

it is not too late. at all.
don’t let that “voice” convince you it is, as that is only another excuse to keep drinking.
you CAN get sober, and with that come more choices.
of all the ways you see folks here on SR achieve ongoing sobriety, pick one and throw yourself into it.

Stayingsassy

Hi vino.

Your dad made a good point: getting a job can give us routine and a sense of normalcy, as well as some time away from the drink.

I’d guess globally....it’s probably a tough time to find a job. But you could still do the job hunting.

Sobriety could be your new job. You won’t get everything back right away. That’s probably part of what’s made it hard to stick for you, that it takes so long to get your life back after you quit.

But you can. It may take a super long time. But you can get yourself back.

Throw yourself into sobriety. What will be part of your sobriety? Fitness? Running or lifting? A nutrition regimen? Learning an instrument? Working with your hands? What will your sobriety look like? The passions that return will give you a clue to who you are. In the beginning, it’s hard to muddle though.

When you try again, keep the voices that say you aren’t good enough far, far away from the soul spirit that is you. Don’t believe it. Whether it comes from you or from your family, all the negativity does is keep you drinking. Reach for the light. It’s in you, it’s in all of us.

I hear a fighter behind your words, there’s a lot of self directed anger, but don’t release that on yourself again: release it on the addiction. Take all the energy; including the lies, the self recrimination, the anger, the self disappointment, the frustration, and turn it inside out, away from you, and at the thing that wants you dead. All that energy is effective, and you need it, but it’s directed in the wrong place, it’s headed for the part of you that is beautiful and real. Turn it away, turn it back on itself, and unleash it on this addiction, until it’s so weak it can barely whisper at you any more.

Vino88

So many helpful answers. Thank you very much.

Yesterday was really tough. Some problems accumulated and I reached a boiling point.

Your answers gave me some serenity. SR community is really awesome. Thank you again!

BullDog777

What Sassy wrote was absolutely priceless advise.

BeckoningCat

Having a law degree is awesome. Many people don't have that. At 31, that's fine. Many people are too poor to own a house or a nice car, so those are absolutely NOT things that prove your worth. Yes, it might be nice to have a relationship, but shouldn't you take care of yourself first?

If you get off the alcohol your parents will likely be so happy they'll speak more nicely to you. I am sure their words hurt you, but maybe they are frustrated and scared and don't know what else to do. Not everyone has training in addiction counseling and if it was their money that you spent on drugs and alcohol, they might also be angry at themselves for raising a child who didn't respect their resources.

You shouldn't drink yourself to death, in fact this is a wonderful opportunity for you to stop! Since you live with your parents you have shelter, and probably food. You can get along with them better probably if you don't drink. Then you can focus on your recovery through on-line resources, you can even go to on-line meetings, since you don't have a job you have all the time in the world! You're actually quite lucky.

Then once you get sober, you can get a job, it will probably be easier once the pandemic passes. Until then focus on getting sober. You can do it.

CRRHCC

If you have a law degree then you have already dealt with putting off short term gratification for long term benefits.

This is goes to the heart of addiction in that addicts go for the quick fix or mood changer of substances and other behaviors in an effort to regain control of their emotions (instant gratification).

You can do this when you see the forest through the trees. It sounds like you are starting to think this way now.
Stop thinking like a child. Children expect life to meet their demands but adults learn to meet the demands of life. Life is not easy, fair or painless and we don't always get what we want. It took me 4 decades to learn this. Except this fact and don't escape it with booze. You can regain control of your life and empower yourself when you find values and purpose in life. When your values trump your addiction there is no addiction.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 1 Corinthians 13:11

fini

that's great, Vino.

and you know one of us will ask: so what are you gonna DO?

anxiousrock

I'm the same age and I feel the same way. I hope that you're able to look past some of these things and realize you're a good person with a flaw. A disease.

ThatWasTheOldMe

This reminds me of me.

My advice would be to stay stopped drinking and apply the skills you used to get a law degree to improving your finances. And go to AA to find someone to help you work through the steps; especially the ones that help us mend relationships that alcohol destroyed.

Drinking will make you temporarily forget about your problems or make you not care - but it will make them worse when the drinking inevitably has to stop again.

AAPJ

Vino - you are young. But that does not mean this will be easy. Your life is a mess right now. But you can change it. Starting with the simplest of steps.

Do you think you can stay sober today? Just today.