False memories after binge drinking
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
I made suggestions on your other thread for coping with early days.
Another thing that might calm you is getting on a treadmill, running, vigorous walk in the cold just to burn some nervous energy.
I joined a CrossFit gym when I quit and boy did that help with anxiety, weight loss from drinking, and sleep. I was really sore, but my mind got much calmer quickly
Another thing that might calm you is getting on a treadmill, running, vigorous walk in the cold just to burn some nervous energy.
I joined a CrossFit gym when I quit and boy did that help with anxiety, weight loss from drinking, and sleep. I was really sore, but my mind got much calmer quickly
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,327
Hey it does sound like classic OCD to me (which I also have). I've heard it described as the doubting disease, which I find to be accurate. Accepting the thoughts as irrational without trying to control them is probably the best way forward 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by Tetrax
Hey it does sound like classic OCD to me (which I also have). I've heard it described as the doubting disease, which I find to be accurate. Accepting the thoughts as irrational without trying to control them is probably the best way forward
Have you also spend days dwelling on things? What helped you shake it off? Why can’t I let go of it even though I was told that nothing bad or unexpected of a person in the state I was in had happened (outside of me talking nonsense, slurring my words and blacking out). Why do I keep feeling like I did something irreversible and unforgiving? Is it part of OCD too?
I am not familiar with your back story but very grateful for being here for me in my time of need. I do wish you all the best in your journey
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Originally Posted by Kat1313
Zevin,
Day 3 it is! ���� Cannot sleep still. My racing mind won’t let me relax even for a minute. The feeling of embarrassment is way way more than ever before. Due to lack of sleep, I am starting to feel like I have said something hurtful and/or too personal during blackout to a someone I was with during the episode. A person I would not normally trust anything. He swears that it was not that bad but I feel otherwise. Could it be shame talking? Why can’t I let it go three days later? What hurts the most is that my son still isn’t speaking to me because I relapsed and let him down. I am giving him space and time to heal so he can forgive me. I am letting my actions do the talking this time around. No promises, just staying sober one day at a time and taking care of things as any good and loving mother would.
I am an emotional mess; sober, but a mess nonetheless.
could you please share more how your false memory felt and what you did to put it behind you? Did it feel like you were adding on stuff as the time went on? I could really use help in order to understand how our brain works in a situation similar to mine. Cannot get past the fact that I may overshare stuff (sober, I am a very private person) and acted like a fool. I will never forget how I am feeling right now. I just wish the guilt and regret would subside soon.
thank you for your kindness and support, I am so blessed to have found you all on SR. I hope you realize that you are not just helping yourself today to stay on track with sobriety; you are saving a good person from misary
You’re doing just fine and all of this is normal, treat yourself with kid gloves, good self care, and breathe. It will all be ok if you simply never pick up a drink again.
I know it’s hard, but sometimes it’s just better to try not to overthink or overanalyze things. Try to practice letting go. You’ll need to let go in lots of ways if you are seeking permanent sobriety,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by Stayingsassy
It’s normal to have racing thoughts on day 3. I don’t know your pattern but I was an intermittent binge drinker (not daily) and it would take a while for the alcohol effects to leave my system. The mental and psychological reworking takes a lot longer than that.
You’re doing just fine and all of this is normal, treat yourself with kid gloves, good self care, and breathe. It will all be ok if you simply never pick up a drink again.
I know it’s hard, but sometimes it’s just better to try not to overthink or overanalyze things. Try to practice letting go. You’ll need to let go in lots of ways if you are seeking permanent sobriety,
You’re doing just fine and all of this is normal, treat yourself with kid gloves, good self care, and breathe. It will all be ok if you simply never pick up a drink again.
I know it’s hard, but sometimes it’s just better to try not to overthink or overanalyze things. Try to practice letting go. You’ll need to let go in lots of ways if you are seeking permanent sobriety,
My pattern was, for the most part of the last decade or so, binge drinking one day a week, very rarely 2 but always with 1-3 days in-between. I could polish off two bottles of wine over 4 hour period or drink 10 shots of hard liquor within that same time.
I am in shock as I am putting it out there. I tried giving up drinking completely countless number of times but always went back to it thinking I can drink like a normal person. Who was I kidding?!? This time around. I had the worst blackout followed by false memories and feelings of total despair, self-loathing, and everything that comes along with anxiety and OCD times 10. Something clicked in my brain 3 days ago, and I am confident that the change will be permanent. Being able to post here has been a tremendous help; I intent on posting my progress with a humble hope that my story can save someone from what I am going through right now. Perhaps, someone will get to read my threads BEFORE picking up that drink. I do hope that my pain comes through in every word as I am writing it. That way, a newcomer or anyone trying to stay away from drinking can live through it vicariously without having to suffer the consequences. I don’t just say it, I truly mean it-the pain of not remembering things, the shame and regret is debilitating. The constant ‘What did happen? What did I say/do?’ Stuck on it for days with no sleep. Sounds horrifying? Trust me, IT IS!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 1,327
Originally Posted by Kat1313
Tetrax, I am trying. Thank you for responding to my cry for help. It reassures me a little that I am not alone and not a bad person.
Have you also spend days dwelling on things? What helped you shake it off? Why can’t I let go of it even though I was told that nothing bad or unexpected of a person in the state I was in had happened (outside of me talking nonsense, slurring my words and blacking out). Why do I keep feeling like I did something irreversible and unforgiving? Is it part of OCD too?
I am not familiar with your back story but very grateful for being here for me in my time of need. I do wish you all the best in your journey
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by Tetrax
Well unfortunately, like alcoholism, you can't really make much logic out of it. I just put up with it these days - like when the AV starts yapping - try and ignore and refocus on other things. I recommend Brain Lock by Jeffrey Schwartz. Anyway it will ease I am sure as this week wears on, post-booze and all
Samantha
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2,031
I can tell this is really bugging you What do you think you did that is so bad? If you haven't been out of bed since Monday, are you calling in sick from work? I think you should get to AA if you're missing that much work from drinking. I find it helps to talk face to face about these matters as well. Always a shoulder to cry on and lots of understanding people will be there. It's a great stress relief.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 184
Guilt, shame, paranoia, remorse. It's a common cycle with me too. It doesn't sound like you have done anything irretrievable so I really would try to put your mind on something else for a while - you have a sort of faulty brain for a while after drinking anyway, not the time to sort anything out. I find listening to podcasts on you tube sometimes a good way to zone out of anxiety, also concentrating on small future plans soothing - sorting out stuff, getting healthy or future trips.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by anxiousrock
I can tell this is really bugging you What do you think you did that is so bad? If you haven't been out of bed since Monday, are you calling in sick from work? I think you should get to AA if you're missing that much work from drinking. I find it helps to talk face to face about these matters as well. Always a shoulder to cry on and lots of understanding people will be there. It's a great stress relief.
so, I took three days off for mental health reasons. Managed to get some work done from home so others did not have to do it for me. By the grace of God, I am managing important things still and doing my part as best as I can considering. Second time in all my life I have been out of the office because of drinking. There will not be a third time though❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️
The thing that is bugging me the most, of course, is my son not talking to me for breaking my promise. I did not make or retain a memory of him crying that night after seeing me on the floor by the front door (just awful). According to my husband, he was just heartbroken.
I know it will take time and actions; I am ready for it! He is my life! Not the booze ⛔️
Secondly, because I blacked out at one point in time, I do not remember conversation that I carried on for about 2 hours with a person I had meeting with (personal not business) and DO NOT trust. He was provoking me with questions. I am petrified that I may have said something embarrassing, potentially harming or disrespectful to others if it ever gets out....we were not having a pleasant conversation to begin with. I so wanted to be the best I could be right to the end, but lost count of drinks along with self control. I shared some personal things that I would never share otherwise (health-related stuff as an example); I feel like I betrayed the world 😭 I am thinking because I can’t recall what exactly we talked about (little pieces here and there pop to mind), I fear the worst! Do not want to be judged, humiliated and taken advantage of, sort of speak. I am a good person, and it is so out of my character to disappoint people. I am everyone’s “go to person” and I cherish that “title”.
I called him the next morning to see if I can get at least some of my memory back. He seemed friendly with me saying that he had never seen me so “free” and so talkative and candid. (None of which I wanted or needed to be with that particular person. ) He said that towards the end of our talk I was slurring my words a bit (how humiliating!!!) and jumping from one topic to another never finishing sentences. He did not seem to be bothered by it that much. However, I could tell that was not completely honest with me and not saying something. His tone was something like “I have this over you now 😈”.....it is just killing me that I wasn’t my usual confident and intelligent self. 🙈 I am deeply sorry for every single time I drank and feel humiliated
. I should have known better. There is no excuse for my behavior. I am shaking as I am writing it due to the fact that it is so unlike me. Instead of proving my point and standing up for my friends, I got drunk, overshared, and lost all respect for myself.
not sure if anyone can relate or understand how damaging and scary it feels to me right now. I am aware that others may find my problem small in comparison, but it is pretty significant for me. Oh, the shame is beyond what I had ever experienced before.
To all kind souls reading it, thank you for your patience with me; please think about consequences before you pick up that first drink. So not worth it! (Especially if you suffer from OCD and anxiety).
Samantha
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2,031
Originally Posted by Kat1313
Please bear with me and I pray for understanding.
so, I took three days off for mental health reasons. Managed to get some work done from home so others did not have to do it for me. By the grace of God, I am managing important things still and doing my part as best as I can considering. Second time in all my life I have been out of the office because of drinking. There will not be a third time though❗️❗️❗️❗️❗️
The thing that is bugging me the most, of course, is my son not talking to me for breaking my promise. I did not make or retain a memory of him crying that night after seeing me on the floor by the front door (just awful). According to my husband, he was just heartbroken.
I know it will take time and actions; I am ready for it! He is my life! Not the booze ⛔️
Secondly, because I blacked out at one point in time, I do not remember conversation that I carried on for about 2 hours with a person I had meeting with (personal not business) and DO NOT trust. He was provoking me with questions. I am petrified that I may have said something embarrassing, potentially harming or disrespectful to others if it ever gets out....we were not having a pleasant conversation to begin with. I so wanted to be the best I could be right to the end, but lost count of drinks along with self control. I shared some personal things that I would never share otherwise (health-related stuff as an example); I feel like I betrayed the world 😭 I am thinking because I can’t recall what exactly we talked about (little pieces here and there pop to mind), I fear the worst! Do not want to be judged, humiliated and taken advantage of, sort of speak. I am a good person, and it is so out of my character to disappoint people. I am everyone’s “go to person” and I cherish that “title”.
I called him the next morning to see if I can get at least some of my memory back. He seemed friendly with me saying that he had never seen me so “free” and so talkative and candid. (None of which I wanted or needed to be with that particular person. ) He said that towards the end of our talk I was slurring my words a bit (how humiliating!!!) and jumping from one topic to another never finishing sentences. He did not seem to be bothered by it that much. However, I could tell that was not completely honest with me and not saying something. His tone was something like “I have this over you now 😈”.....it is just killing me that I wasn’t my usual confident and intelligent self. 🙈 I am deeply sorry for every single time I drank and feel humiliated
. I should have known better. There is no excuse for my behavior. I am shaking as I am writing it due to the fact that it is so unlike me. Instead of proving my point and standing up for my friends, I got drunk, overshared, and lost all respect for myself.
not sure if anyone can relate or understand how damaging and scary it feels to me right now. I am aware that others may find my problem small in comparison, but it is pretty significant for me. Oh, the shame is beyond what I had ever experienced before.
To all kind souls reading it, thank you for your patience with me; please think about consequences before you pick up that first drink. So not worth it! (Especially if you suffer from OCD and anxiety).
I always over share and talk when I'm drunk too. I rarely go to the pub or anything like that but I do drink dial and message people....constantly when I'm drinking because I get bored being alone. I tell people stuff I shouldn't.
A few months ago I got absolutely wasted at dinner at a business meeting in front of my whole company including managers. Luckily a friend forced me to go back to my room so I did and that was the only thing that saved me from more humiliation.
I like to think I'm a good person too but the booze makes me bad. I used to have a group of acquaintances I'd go out with for an hour or so a couple times a month but I can't even see them any more I'm so embarrassed.
I feel like I'm the family drunk.
Anyways, I know what you're going through. I've been there! So so many times. I hope it gets better for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by anxiousrock
Okay I understand.
I always over share and talk when I'm drunk too. I rarely go to the pub or anything like that but I do drink dial and message people....constantly when I'm drinking because I get bored being alone. I tell people stuff I shouldn't.
A few months ago I got absolutely wasted at dinner at a business meeting in front of my whole company including managers. Luckily a friend forced me to go back to my room so I did and that was the only thing that saved me from more humiliation.
I like to think I'm a good person too but the booze makes me bad. I used to have a group of acquaintances I'd go out with for an hour or so a couple times a month but I can't even see them any more I'm so embarrassed.
I feel like I'm the family drunk.
Anyways, I know what you're going through. I've been there! So so many times. I hope it gets better for you.
I always over share and talk when I'm drunk too. I rarely go to the pub or anything like that but I do drink dial and message people....constantly when I'm drinking because I get bored being alone. I tell people stuff I shouldn't.
A few months ago I got absolutely wasted at dinner at a business meeting in front of my whole company including managers. Luckily a friend forced me to go back to my room so I did and that was the only thing that saved me from more humiliation.
I like to think I'm a good person too but the booze makes me bad. I used to have a group of acquaintances I'd go out with for an hour or so a couple times a month but I can't even see them any more I'm so embarrassed.
I feel like I'm the family drunk.
Anyways, I know what you're going through. I've been there! So so many times. I hope it gets better for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
Originally Posted by Kat1313
. Why do I keep feeling like I did something irreversible and unforgiving? Is it part of OCD too?
I was a text book case of it like you are.
We can sit here and reassure you that this is part of the illness, but you won't truly believe it until you let go of the obsession.
One of the reasons why OCD is so difficult to treat is it's not typically a chemical imbalance but more of a pattern of behavior as a result of anxiety.
The therapy that worked for me was called CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and it is more of a controlled exercise in modifying how we think about our intrusive thoughts and act as a result of them.
It teaches us how to respond in a healthy manner instead of paralyzing fear and obsession.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 206
Originally Posted by BullDog777
Yes....that's THE defining part of the obsessive intrusive thought process. I read the rest of your posts and it's very very very obvious to me that you suffer from what I would call a pretty severe case of OCD and anxiety.
I was a text book case of it like you are.
We can sit here and reassure you that this is part of the illness, but you won't truly believe it until you let go of the obsession.
One of the reasons why OCD is so difficult to treat is it's not typically a chemical imbalance but more of a pattern of behavior as a result of anxiety.
The therapy that worked for me was called CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and it is more of a controlled exercise in modifying how we think about our intrusive thoughts and act as a result of them.
It teaches us how to respond in a healthy manner instead of paralyzing fear and obsession.
I was a text book case of it like you are.
We can sit here and reassure you that this is part of the illness, but you won't truly believe it until you let go of the obsession.
One of the reasons why OCD is so difficult to treat is it's not typically a chemical imbalance but more of a pattern of behavior as a result of anxiety.
The therapy that worked for me was called CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and it is more of a controlled exercise in modifying how we think about our intrusive thoughts and act as a result of them.
It teaches us how to respond in a healthy manner instead of paralyzing fear and obsession.
Thank you for reading my posts and for being so caring and understanding. I just took a deep breath after reading your reply.... It feels like I am getting to a better state of mind as I exhale. Past is in the past, right? No one died! My family loves me. So I made a fool of myself, overshared stuff....everyone does it at one point or another. Kat, stop obsessing about it! Don’t ever pick up that drink, EVER, and you won’t have to walk with your head down feeling shattered by your choices. I think I am getting somewhere with this.
I have a chance to redeem myself. I want to face Day 4 with a mild progress in the way I am thinking and approaching recovery. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
