Be like Iron.
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Well, I went down to my dad's this morning and had a long talk with him. He sat there for a moment or two and looked back at me and said "However this shakes out, it ain't gonna bring her back, and you know I don't give a s#it about the money. "
That was enough for me to leave it be.
Anyone that knows me, knows I crack a lot of jokes. It's just how I roll. My dad told me this morning one of the worst things he delt with was all the calls and people coming by asking if he needed anything. ...
I looked at him stone cold faced and told him "Next person who asks-
just say...
" yeah, you got a few hundred? I could use a few hundred bucks...Or better yet, there's this really nice watch I was lookin at right before my wife died...that s#it would really cheer me up" See what happens. Why the hell not...If there was one time in your life to really get away with Fu%$in with some people, now's the time. " ---It was just then, I saw that glimmer come back-even if just for a few minutes.
We have a deal that he calls me every night before he goes to bed to say goodnight to the girls and to let me know he's ok. He told me when I come over tomorrow, he's got a funny story for me.
I wonder if he got a new watch.
That was enough for me to leave it be.
Anyone that knows me, knows I crack a lot of jokes. It's just how I roll. My dad told me this morning one of the worst things he delt with was all the calls and people coming by asking if he needed anything. ...
I looked at him stone cold faced and told him "Next person who asks-
just say...
" yeah, you got a few hundred? I could use a few hundred bucks...Or better yet, there's this really nice watch I was lookin at right before my wife died...that s#it would really cheer me up" See what happens. Why the hell not...If there was one time in your life to really get away with Fu%$in with some people, now's the time. " ---It was just then, I saw that glimmer come back-even if just for a few minutes.
We have a deal that he calls me every night before he goes to bed to say goodnight to the girls and to let me know he's ok. He told me when I come over tomorrow, he's got a funny story for me.
I wonder if he got a new watch.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Your dad sounds awesome BD. Love it. ☺️
My mom really loved all the people coming by. She still does. Every single phone call, every single visit or food drop off, cards, letters, she treasured it all. She is extroverted and just thrives on that kind of thing. She probably has a hundred friends. I worry about her when she should probably be worrying more about me. Although I do have the blessing of a family in my life.
I retreated. Into a cave. As if I wasn’t already sort of half in there after getting sober I went all the way in after losing my dad.
But I think we all do it our own way.
Your response is perfect. I’d love to see the looks on their faces if he actually started asking for money. He better be careful though; some would be more than happy to take the joke at face value and give it!
You might sometimes be surprised at the intensity of your feelings. Out of the blue sometimes, in inappropriate places, and times. I did some frenetic things the first year, doing some traveling I wouldn’t usually do and the singing and such, but there were times I’d just be in tears all the way through, and while there’s nothing wrong with that I wonder if I would have done better just waiting until the worst of it had passed, and I had made a little bit more peace with it. Some spiritual traditions believe after a year the soul passes into the light and after a year I felt a palpable difference. It was almost as if he was hanging onto me somehow from beyond and then he finally let go. That doesn’t make sense of course but it felt like that.
How you felt yesterday is one example of how it goes with an enormous and sudden loss. I appreciate your honesty and feeling because I think it helps us all think about grief and learn more about it when people talk more openly about what it feels like.
We may not respond right, lord knows my foots in my mouth more than it should be, but we are hearing you and learning from you and sending you light from where we are, BD. Keep sharing.
My mom really loved all the people coming by. She still does. Every single phone call, every single visit or food drop off, cards, letters, she treasured it all. She is extroverted and just thrives on that kind of thing. She probably has a hundred friends. I worry about her when she should probably be worrying more about me. Although I do have the blessing of a family in my life.
I retreated. Into a cave. As if I wasn’t already sort of half in there after getting sober I went all the way in after losing my dad.
But I think we all do it our own way.
Your response is perfect. I’d love to see the looks on their faces if he actually started asking for money. He better be careful though; some would be more than happy to take the joke at face value and give it!
You might sometimes be surprised at the intensity of your feelings. Out of the blue sometimes, in inappropriate places, and times. I did some frenetic things the first year, doing some traveling I wouldn’t usually do and the singing and such, but there were times I’d just be in tears all the way through, and while there’s nothing wrong with that I wonder if I would have done better just waiting until the worst of it had passed, and I had made a little bit more peace with it. Some spiritual traditions believe after a year the soul passes into the light and after a year I felt a palpable difference. It was almost as if he was hanging onto me somehow from beyond and then he finally let go. That doesn’t make sense of course but it felt like that.
How you felt yesterday is one example of how it goes with an enormous and sudden loss. I appreciate your honesty and feeling because I think it helps us all think about grief and learn more about it when people talk more openly about what it feels like.
We may not respond right, lord knows my foots in my mouth more than it should be, but we are hearing you and learning from you and sending you light from where we are, BD. Keep sharing.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
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One of the big things losing my mom taught me was the value of making sure that people know they are loved. We didn't get along most of my life, but after I got clean, we really worked hard to mend fences. I even threw her a surprise birthday party at the end of January. She told me she saw so much change in me...that I didn't act like I was fighting myself all the time if that makes any sense.
It hit me today...no more Christmas or thanksgiving or Easter with her.
That was kinda hard to realize. So, I'm gonna make sure we do something special with as much of my family as I can this year. I will not allow myself the self-pity...it just doesn't serve me any purpose whatsoever. I know she's fine.
I got my dad a grandpad. He hates computers and I-phones and androids, but he specifically asked for this from me. So I got it all hooked up today and now we can video chat anytime. So that made him happy. If he's ok, I'm ok.
He also got a couple of laughs playing my joke on a couple of his friends and one very confused telemarketer.
I haven't done any work since my mom passed away. I'm behind and I need to catch up. Hopefully this week, i can come up with a new schedule.
I got a little pi$$ed at my therapist who insisted I was depressed. I don't think I am. At all. She told me anyone who wants to sleep all day is exhibiting depression.
I told her I've been on "full tilt" for the last 9 days and before I got sober, I hadn't had a good nights rest in more than 20 years. An I'm a night owl. I tend to really get going after everyone goes to bed and I can get work done. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. So....yeah, I tend to like to sleep till 12-1pm because I don't go to bed usually before 5am. She's on thin ice. haha
ok, that's enough out of me. time to do some work.
It hit me today...no more Christmas or thanksgiving or Easter with her.
That was kinda hard to realize. So, I'm gonna make sure we do something special with as much of my family as I can this year. I will not allow myself the self-pity...it just doesn't serve me any purpose whatsoever. I know she's fine.
I got my dad a grandpad. He hates computers and I-phones and androids, but he specifically asked for this from me. So I got it all hooked up today and now we can video chat anytime. So that made him happy. If he's ok, I'm ok.
He also got a couple of laughs playing my joke on a couple of his friends and one very confused telemarketer.
I haven't done any work since my mom passed away. I'm behind and I need to catch up. Hopefully this week, i can come up with a new schedule.
I got a little pi$$ed at my therapist who insisted I was depressed. I don't think I am. At all. She told me anyone who wants to sleep all day is exhibiting depression.
I told her I've been on "full tilt" for the last 9 days and before I got sober, I hadn't had a good nights rest in more than 20 years. An I'm a night owl. I tend to really get going after everyone goes to bed and I can get work done. I've been like this for as long as I can remember. So....yeah, I tend to like to sleep till 12-1pm because I don't go to bed usually before 5am. She's on thin ice. haha
ok, that's enough out of me. time to do some work.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Great idea to get your dad a “grandpad,” is that a thing? Perfect. Be prepared for surprise face time visits, lol. My mom was doing it so much sometimes she’d catch me at quite inopportune times.
Depression, grief, depression, grief. It’s hard to know which is really the presenting thing, presumptuous of therapist I think to just assume it’s depression when grieving, grief is a special circumstance.
I know many people told me I was depressed during my grief year, but it was the intensity of the attachment and loss I needed to contend with, after the year passed I felt like someone took a boulder off my chest. I would have had more support if I’d had a therapist sure. But I was going to work and taking care of my family and highly functional all year, I just think grief takes a long time.
It’s good you were able to mend the relationship with her as much as you needed to, I think that offers a bit more closure, whatever closure is worth anyway in the messy, dark tailspin we go into after we lose someone.
Back to work for me too....time to get to it.
Depression, grief, depression, grief. It’s hard to know which is really the presenting thing, presumptuous of therapist I think to just assume it’s depression when grieving, grief is a special circumstance.
I know many people told me I was depressed during my grief year, but it was the intensity of the attachment and loss I needed to contend with, after the year passed I felt like someone took a boulder off my chest. I would have had more support if I’d had a therapist sure. But I was going to work and taking care of my family and highly functional all year, I just think grief takes a long time.
It’s good you were able to mend the relationship with her as much as you needed to, I think that offers a bit more closure, whatever closure is worth anyway in the messy, dark tailspin we go into after we lose someone.
Back to work for me too....time to get to it.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,906
It's hard to believe it's been almost a month since I lost my mom. I think today was the hardest day so far.
I caught myself dialing her number on my way home and realized I was never going to talk to her again. No more hugs, no more jawin about movies we saw or shows we both watched. No more anything. No more birthdays or holidays together...no more silly arguments. That sucked.
My mom used to say that sometimes we need to put our pain on a shelf and leave it be for awhile. It's ok to pick up that pain once in awhile as long as we put it back. So that's what I did today. I didn't think I'd miss her this much. It sounds silly, but I guess I loved her more than I thought. She was a terrible pain in the a$$ most days, but she was still mom.
So...back on the shelf it goes, and back to work.
I caught myself dialing her number on my way home and realized I was never going to talk to her again. No more hugs, no more jawin about movies we saw or shows we both watched. No more anything. No more birthdays or holidays together...no more silly arguments. That sucked.
My mom used to say that sometimes we need to put our pain on a shelf and leave it be for awhile. It's ok to pick up that pain once in awhile as long as we put it back. So that's what I did today. I didn't think I'd miss her this much. It sounds silly, but I guess I loved her more than I thought. She was a terrible pain in the a$$ most days, but she was still mom.
So...back on the shelf it goes, and back to work.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
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I remember getting to a certain point in the first year, I don’t remember if it was six months or nine....in which I missed my father so much I couldn’t bear it, and I realized that I missed him more every single month and so by that point it was like a sharp knife in my soul.. I thought how can I go on if I miss him more and more every month that passes?
Then at a year, and one week (or ten days, just a handful of days past a year) I had a clear, vivid and very long three part visitation dream, and I felt him let go of me, I felt him move on. Or maybe it was me moving on, because he’s not there anymore. Whatever it was, the grip suddenly lessened for some reason.
I miss him terribly and the hole is there, and the ache is there, but it’s not gnawing at me every day any more since that point.
I still feel like a big part of my identity is gone, I feel like who I was and my role with him and my ideas about how his old age would go have left a hole that I just can’t fill no matter what I do, but it doesn’t burn like it did in the first year. Who I am and who I believe myself to be is wrapped up in my relationship with him, it’s a very glued in piece of how I see myself, and I honestly haven’t felt like the same person since he died. Who am I if my father isn’t here? I still don’t have the answer to that question.
It gets less painful with time.
Then at a year, and one week (or ten days, just a handful of days past a year) I had a clear, vivid and very long three part visitation dream, and I felt him let go of me, I felt him move on. Or maybe it was me moving on, because he’s not there anymore. Whatever it was, the grip suddenly lessened for some reason.
I miss him terribly and the hole is there, and the ache is there, but it’s not gnawing at me every day any more since that point.
I still feel like a big part of my identity is gone, I feel like who I was and my role with him and my ideas about how his old age would go have left a hole that I just can’t fill no matter what I do, but it doesn’t burn like it did in the first year. Who I am and who I believe myself to be is wrapped up in my relationship with him, it’s a very glued in piece of how I see myself, and I honestly haven’t felt like the same person since he died. Who am I if my father isn’t here? I still don’t have the answer to that question.
It gets less painful with time.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
Originally Posted by Stayingsassy 
It gets less painful with time.
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just checking in...i'm doing a lot better this week.
I'm helping friends who need help and that's making me feel really great.
I like helping people.
I'm also buying a house a lot sooner than I thought, I think.
My dad told me he hated his house and he wanted to get the hell out. He was tired of his home, all the reminders, the street, the neighborhood, and the whole dang town.
OK.....well...I'm out of room here and my brother lives in Calli so I'm hiring contractors this week to start renovating my home so i can rent it or sell it.
I'm gonna get a big ol' house so my dad can have his own little apartment within the home. I'm hiring my oldest friend's brother and father to do it. They built their home, so this seems like a good idea and I know they need the cash. This virus was catastrophic for their family, financially.
Barring any sickness (God willing) this is gonna be crunch time until it's done.
4 years ago this wouldn't have even been a possibility. I was on the verge of losing my wife and entire family not to mention my own life. I went from a family of 3 to a family of 6 in that 4 years. We doubled in size.
I've gone from a pile of s#it, to a good man who takes care of his.
My mom would be proud that I'm taking care of my pops.
I'm glad I can be the man I should have been for years. I hope I can continue to do that for many years to come.
Four years ago, I couldn't get 48 hours sober and was dying of withdrawal. What a huge difference hanging on, when I didn't think I could, made.
I'm so grateful for my life.
I'm helping friends who need help and that's making me feel really great.
I like helping people.
I'm also buying a house a lot sooner than I thought, I think.
My dad told me he hated his house and he wanted to get the hell out. He was tired of his home, all the reminders, the street, the neighborhood, and the whole dang town.
OK.....well...I'm out of room here and my brother lives in Calli so I'm hiring contractors this week to start renovating my home so i can rent it or sell it.
I'm gonna get a big ol' house so my dad can have his own little apartment within the home. I'm hiring my oldest friend's brother and father to do it. They built their home, so this seems like a good idea and I know they need the cash. This virus was catastrophic for their family, financially.
Barring any sickness (God willing) this is gonna be crunch time until it's done.
4 years ago this wouldn't have even been a possibility. I was on the verge of losing my wife and entire family not to mention my own life. I went from a family of 3 to a family of 6 in that 4 years. We doubled in size.
I've gone from a pile of s#it, to a good man who takes care of his.
My mom would be proud that I'm taking care of my pops.
I'm glad I can be the man I should have been for years. I hope I can continue to do that for many years to come.
Four years ago, I couldn't get 48 hours sober and was dying of withdrawal. What a huge difference hanging on, when I didn't think I could, made.
I'm so grateful for my life.
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1,602
Originally Posted by BullDog777
just checking in...i'm doing a lot better this week.
I'm helping friends who need help and that's making me feel really great.
I like helping people.
I'm also buying a house a lot sooner than I thought, I think.
My dad told me he hated his house and he wanted to get the hell out. He was tired of his home, all the reminders, the street, the neighborhood, and the whole dang town.
OK.....well...I'm out of room here and my brother lives in Calli so I'm hiring contractors this week to start renovating my home so i can rent it or sell it.
I'm gonna get a big ol' house so my dad can have his own little apartment within the home. I'm hiring my oldest friend's brother and father to do it. They built their home, so this seems like a good idea and I know they need the cash. This virus was catastrophic for their family, financially.
Barring any sickness (God willing) this is gonna be crunch time until it's done.
4 years ago this wouldn't have even been a possibility. I was on the verge of losing my wife and entire family not to mention my own life. I went from a family of 3 to a family of 6 in that 4 years. We doubled in size.
I've gone from a pile of s#it, to a good man who takes care of his.
My mom would be proud that I'm taking care of my pops.
I'm glad I can be the man I should have been for years. I hope I can continue to do that for many years to come.
Four years ago, I couldn't get 48 hours sober and was dying of withdrawal. What a huge difference hanging on, when I didn't think I could, made.
I'm so grateful for my life.
I'm helping friends who need help and that's making me feel really great.
I like helping people.
I'm also buying a house a lot sooner than I thought, I think.
My dad told me he hated his house and he wanted to get the hell out. He was tired of his home, all the reminders, the street, the neighborhood, and the whole dang town.
OK.....well...I'm out of room here and my brother lives in Calli so I'm hiring contractors this week to start renovating my home so i can rent it or sell it.
I'm gonna get a big ol' house so my dad can have his own little apartment within the home. I'm hiring my oldest friend's brother and father to do it. They built their home, so this seems like a good idea and I know they need the cash. This virus was catastrophic for their family, financially.
Barring any sickness (God willing) this is gonna be crunch time until it's done.
4 years ago this wouldn't have even been a possibility. I was on the verge of losing my wife and entire family not to mention my own life. I went from a family of 3 to a family of 6 in that 4 years. We doubled in size.
I've gone from a pile of s#it, to a good man who takes care of his.
My mom would be proud that I'm taking care of my pops.
I'm glad I can be the man I should have been for years. I hope I can continue to do that for many years to come.
Four years ago, I couldn't get 48 hours sober and was dying of withdrawal. What a huge difference hanging on, when I didn't think I could, made.
I'm so grateful for my life.
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
Awesome post BullDog!!! 
I think this crisis that our nation and the entire world is experiencing is an opportunity for people to "step up their game" so to speak. I've seen it happen a few times locally after a natural disaster. I'm hoping for the best that we will come out of this crisis stronger than we were before it. I know that many of us here who have weathered our own personal crises and come out the other side are stronger for it, and you are a great example of that BD!
I think this crisis that our nation and the entire world is experiencing is an opportunity for people to "step up their game" so to speak. I've seen it happen a few times locally after a natural disaster. I'm hoping for the best that we will come out of this crisis stronger than we were before it. I know that many of us here who have weathered our own personal crises and come out the other side are stronger for it, and you are a great example of that BD!
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