Devious0ne

I’m stuck at home dealing with an eye infection that has my left eye swollen, so out of boredom figured I’d jot down some random thoughts.

Today is my 43rd day sober. Mostly, I’ve remained positive for the past 43 days but lately, I am starting to wonder as though I’m be honest with myself and forcing that positivity upon myself, and putting on a front. If that makes any sense.

Sure, I feel better for the most part, happy I’m not waking up at noon on Saturday’s and Sunday hungover. But I have to be honest with myself, and with you, I feel as though there is a void in my life and I haven’t yet found the joy and happiness I thought would be on the other side.

At the end when I was drinking, I could only imagine what life would be like sober. I figured I’d have all this time to do things, go out on Friday and Saturday evenings and do things, save all this money… but in reality, so far the grass isn’t greener on the other side.

My evenings are boring, and admittedly I now dread weekends because I know it’ll mostly be spent at home alone. It’s mainly like I just sit around waiting until it’s late enough, and I’m bored enough to just go to sleep.

You see, I don’t really have many friends. I have a roommate, and then his brother as friends. And really, that’s it. And even with them, I’m starting to question the friendship I thought we had. I’ve been dealt a huge blow since October. My mom passed away unexpectedly back in October, her and I were close. I was still actively drinking, and getting by. I’ve been an alcoholic for 10+ years when 44 days ago I decided enough was enough and quit, making today day 43 without alcohol.

It has been rough, and I’ve been fighting the hardest battle between my mom’s passing, and giving up drinking. Despite this, it’s a battle I’m fighting alone. On days when I am really fighting and just needing someone, my roommate is nowhere to be found and his brother just ignores my texts. I try to get them to do things on the weekend to help fill this void, and I just get nowhere with them.

Then come Friday and Saturday nights, I find myself sitting at home alone. I often scroll through my phone, but there’s literally nobody on my list that I can call to go hang out with.

Saturday evening was the worst for me, I actually did come close to saying screw it and going out and getting beer and drinking. I didn’t, instead I got in my car and went for a drive, came home and went to bed.

But seems like the last couple days, especially yesterday and today, I just questioned whether giving up drinking was worth it? And honestly, I can’t answer that with a straight answer. On one hand yes, I feel good for the most part.. I think, but then I ask if giving up drinking was worth sacrificing what happiness I had?

I know I'm just rambling, but thought maybe if I wrote out my thoughts and put it out there, that maybe it'll help.

Dee74

Hi DO

I'm sorry for your loss. That's got to be a blow for anyone, alcoholic or not.

Outside of that understandable grief, I think it's important to remember how many years we drank, and then to acknowledge that it's probably going to take a little more than 43 days to really feel good.

There is a transition phase - from old to new - and it is rough - but it won't last forever.

By 3 months I was starting to feel consistently good and seeing some of the happiness and joy I was looking for.

I still think 3 months versus 20 years drinking, and longer than that drugging, is a pretty good deal.

Hope your eye improves soon.
D

doggonecarl

First off, congrats on 44 days sober.

Happiness is not a prize they hand out just because you got sober. And if they did, they probably wouldn't award it at 44 days. The real prize of sobriety is the outcome of what you put into making your life a rewarding one. Sitting at home...that's on you. No friends...again, on you. Life's a void...find something to fill it.

You are sober. That's where it starts. First the healing. Then the happiness.

fini

this is what some folks refer to when they mention something like: first you stop drinking and then you have to change everything else.
it is true that some things change by themselves when we stop.
but for the rest, WE have to MAKE the changes.
you can read of folks joining sports teams, going to book clubs, meetup organizations, recovery meetings, working out, taking a class, learning to bake, taking a workshop at a library, taking a rockclimbing class....you name it.

if you want a “better” life, sounds like you will need to push yourself to make new connections with people and activities.

Cellardweller

Hi DeviousOne,

Congratulations on your sober time. My post is a little late, so I hope you're able to see it anyways.

There's some good input in this thread. Stopping drinking is just the first part of the process. Getting sober allows us to set ourselves up for making life how we want it to be. It doesn't solve all of our problems, but puts us in a position to deal with them.

I found that there are online (voice chat) meetings that are useful if for nothing else to share experiences with people who really understand our issues. I found that hearing people's voices was good too.

Keep plugging along. It's a process, it takes time. A lot of time. Eat healthy, drink a lot of water, and take care of yourself. Being sober provides a foundation from which we can rebuild ourselves. It's all still work, but without the altered perception.

Stay strong and keep going. Have a great day.