It's that time again....
 

It's the 3 month physical tomorrow. More blood tests, ekgs and a few other horrors I'd rather not talk about.

This is the worst part of my recovery by far. I hate the waiting. I hate living up in my head for that week waiting for results.

I've been is a bad mood all morning. The only bright spot was my daughter 's smart a$$ remark to me, in regards to the deep philosophical conversation we were all immersed in on the way to school. So it was my 3 and 2 of their friends in the car.

We've been talking about God and all that stuff and I was making a case to one of the kids and said "How can you think there might not be a God? Look at your species for example!"....At this moment, the car got dead quiet...(I was in a car with 5 teenage girls) I should have stopped here. My youngest said "what does that mean?!" I told her..."Not only is there a God, buy it's a dude and he's got a sick sense of humor. BET."
she said..."what?"
I told her "How could God make something so beautiful, yet so bats#it crazy at the same time? That's God....100%"
...she paused....I was proud ...cause this s#it made her think. She said..."Hey dad, beauty comes at a price!" HAHAHAHAHAHA...that's my girl.

That little exchange made my day. I love my family. This is why I got sober and continue to to this. But make no mistake -this week is hell for me. I hate every single moment of it.

I'm gonna turn on intervention in a few minutes and do a marathon day. Keep s#it green for me.

Sorry to be a drag....but if I don't talk about it, those thoughts of "what if" can turn really dangerous the more I stew about them. So...that was it. Everything else is OK I guess.

Thanks for being here.

Let us know how the blood work turns out. How long have you been sober?

thanks, i will. It'll be 4 years on March 1st.

Hope all goes well BD, you are dealing with this far better than you ever would have in the past. Give yourself some credit for this - it's an important thing and also shows self-awareness.

Hi bulldog. I should go to the doctor too. My depression is worse.

Instead I seem to just sort of do other things rather than go to the doctor. I just don’t want to.

So, you’re a strong man for going.

I would think that in 4 years your bloodwork would look great. I would go into that lab with a lot of confidence....

Funny you say that..not funny as in haha but as in ironic because I don't feel strong. A lot of days I get mad at myself for the fear that I still have-but thanks for that.

Sassy, you've been in the dumps for a long time now. I'm gettin a bit worried about you. You know what's going on to some extent. What would the Sassy at 100% tell you right now? You need some help.

A lot of times with depression, this is like alcoholism...most people need outside help to address it. I did and still do.

There's nothing wrong with feeling f$%ked up in a f$%ked up situation...that's human nature. More than that, the grief you feel, and the grief you're still carrying is perfectly natural too. It tells you how much you loved your dad.
The crazy part-The part I struggled with for so long, was feeling like I never deserved to move on. Like if I felt better, a part of me was betraying my lost love one. At least that's the way it was with me. It took a lot of therapy for me to get to a place where I'd stop hurting myself for feeling any sort of joy.

I'm not a pill guy or a therapy guy, but I needed therapy and grief counseling badly when I got clean.

I don't know if strong is the right word for me....maybe just tired of fighting a never ending war with myself. This was the only way for me to get better.

You owe it to yourself to get some help.

Much love and respect to you Sassy.

Sigh..... yeah...most people would. It took about 18 months for my labs to go back to normal. I'm still on meds, but I'm here, thank God. As close as I came to death, I always worry. It's just me. My wife thinks i'm being silly. For me, it's traumatic. Hopefully everything will come back normal.

I know it will. If you don't mind me asking, what was so bad about the bloodwork you got back? I'm assuming higher liver enzymes but I've read they get better relatively quickly.

Thanks, just asking out of nosiness...

I was a bottom barrel case. I was a chronic drunk for the last 25 years and was averaging 1-2 liters of liquor a day....not counting beer...usually, that was between 10-12 a day on top of the liquor.

I was on the verge of organ failure when I arrived in the ER. I was in ICU for almost 2 weeks. I had damaged my heart, pancreas, liver, and kidneys. I still have to take meds for all of that and because of it, I have to get physicals every 3 months to make sure I'm still ok. It took my liver almost 2 years to return to normal numbers.

killed it on the labs...i'm good :) i had a rotten week, but this was a good way to wrap it up.

Gotta keep pushin and trying harder to be better. Soooo many goals to meet this year.

1 down many many more to go.

Damn... That is a lot of booze. Recovery from that level is a miracle. Glad you somehow pulled out of it. I had a few friends like you. No surprise given the crowd I ran with when I was younger. They died.

One of them almost took me with them when he rolled the car we were in on 495. We did a full 360 roll. Amazing he was the only one who did not make it.

Glad you aced the labs again BD :)

D