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Why not?!

Old 01-06-2020, 04:44 PM
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Why not?!

I had a huge disagreement with my mom and sister and would kill for a drink. I thought I was past this. I also got a passport photo today where I felt like I looked 65. Not bad if Iím 65, but Iím 43. Normally I wouldnít be so superficial (I mean, does anyone like their passport photos?!?!). It just made me feel older than my years and tired and deserving of a drink. Wtf. Both make me feel like f-it. WHY NOT?!?!? But I know, Iím playing the tape.....

addiction sucks. 24 hours ago I thought I was easy-breezy past this. Now Iíd kill for a drink.
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Old 01-06-2020, 05:03 PM
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No good mate 😣 sucks when this happens.

Yep, it's a nasty beast of a thing and can come out of nowhere when we least expect.

Get to safety away from any booze.

Call someone.

Read some more of SR threads.

Get to an AA meeting perhaps ?

Whatever it takes !!!
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Old 01-06-2020, 05:12 PM
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Sorry for the stress, well done letting it out here. That tape never does have a good ending
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Old 01-06-2020, 05:19 PM
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Thank you Tetrax/Derringer. I started to scare myself. I literally was checking my phone apps to see if I still had my minibar delivery one. I was just checking out of curiosity, which is screwed up. I keep thinking, maybe Itís okay to drink. But it helps me to remind myself that I already ran this experiment many times in the past. It never works out.
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Old 01-06-2020, 05:30 PM
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Yeah I also had a huge disagreement with my mom and sister over the holidays and it was rough. I thought I was past the dramatic family soap opera episodes but that hasn't been the case.

Just breathe through it, do something else to pamper yourself.. Limit family time in the future if necessary. You'll be ok!
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Old 01-06-2020, 06:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Cosima11 View Post
Yeah I also had a huge disagreement with my mom and sister over the holidays and it was rough. I thought I was past the dramatic family soap opera episodes but that hasn't been the case.

Just breathe through it, do something else to pamper yourself.. Limit family time in the future if necessary. You'll be ok!
thank you. So bizarre how hearing ďyouíll be okayĒ from a stranger helps. You wouldnít think it would, but it does. It was such a stupid argument. But it was 2 against 1 (me losing) and I just felt screwed over. I got a rescue dog (my first dog ever) one week after getting sober 245 days ago. Sheís become such a very important part of my sobriety. Every time I look at her, I think no way can I drink, I need to be a super dog mom. She gets an hour walk a day, day care until her separation anxiety hopefully resolves, and constant love. Never having had a pet, I never realized that you actually LOVE them (like you love people!). I know, now I sound like a weird dog person. I guess maybe I am now. Anyway, my dog wasnít allowed at my sisterís over Christmas (despite the fact she has 2 dogs and a cat herself, so a pet friendly household) and isnít allowed period going forward. I was just informed that the promise that she would be allowed over MLK weekend, since itís only a three day holiday, has been reneged. Iím supposed to shove her in boarding again. So, forgetting about all the money I spend when I need to board her for thanksgiving, Christmas, etc., it just sucks that my pupís importance to me is so disregarded. For god sakes, there is no valid reason to say no to this (sheís met my sisterís pets and they got along swimmingly). Anyway, It would be so nice to have my dog with me when everyone else (my sister, brother-in-law, mom, etc.) are downing their wine. It would be such a support. But they act like Iím a child with a teddy bear. I just donít think thatís fair (great, now I sound like a child talking about fairness, as if life is fair). It just is so disappointing. Iíve tried to do something really life changing here. And damn hard. Iíve quit drinking after 20 years of it. Thatís pretty damn hard. Itís like, just throw me a bone and let me bring my flipping 23 pound dog when I truck home for the holidays. I really just think a little consideration/support would be nice. It is just the principle of the matter. Anyway. Sorry to vent.

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Old 01-06-2020, 06:20 PM
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Sorry to hear you had a bad day. I hope you can work through it without alcohol. A meeting would be a good idea, or maybe something like painting? I know that helps me de-stress .
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Old 01-06-2020, 06:32 PM
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Originally Posted by anxiousrock View Post
Sorry to hear you had a bad day. I hope you can work through it without alcohol. A meeting would be a good idea, or maybe something like painting? I know that helps me de-stress .
thanks anxiousrock. I donít do AA, so going on to SR is sort of my version of a meeting/reaching out for help. I feel better having vented here. Thank you all for listening. Iím furious at myself that I had a moment of weakness. I know I wonít drink now, though. I DO want to, however. Not because of a craving. But because I just miss that feeling of being drunk. Plain and simple. I want to sit and get wasted. Itís been 245 days and I miss it. So shoot me.
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Old 01-06-2020, 07:36 PM
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Hey Sohard,

I think because you don't drink and you're never going to change your mind?

Great job coming here to rant.
Stomp your feet as much as you like. You're entitled.

Also, everyone is allowed a moment (or 1000 moments) of weakness. Doesn't matter in the least as long as you don't drink, which you didn't. So give yourself a break. In fact, give yourself a big old pat on the back. Break out the ice cream, plan to get your nails done tomorrow, buy something online, dance a jig. You did good, girl.

After you're done celebrating, let's not forget to problem-solve the problem at hand. It really got under your skin, so let's take a page from my recent lesson book and see what can be done about that, practically speaking and/or at the "feelings" level.

xo
O
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Old 01-06-2020, 07:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Obladi View Post
Hey Sohard,

I think because you don't drink and you're never going to change your mind?

Great job coming here to rant.
Stomp your feet as much as you like. You're entitled.

Also, everyone is allowed a moment (or 1000 moments) of weakness. Doesn't matter in the least as long as you don't drink, which you didn't. So give yourself a break. In fact, give yourself a big old pat on the back. Break out the ice cream, plan to get your nails done tomorrow, buy something online, dance a jig. You did good, girl.

After you're done celebrating, let's not forget to problem-solve the problem at hand. It really got under your skin, so let's take a page from my recent lesson book and see what can be done about that, practically speaking and/or at the "feelings" level.

xo
O
thank you, thank you. Yes, I didnít drink and shall celebrate that (later, perhaps with the manicure idea) after I get less pissed off. Itís just so stupid. I would do ANYTHING for the people I love. I literally canít imagine telling a newly sober family member they couldnít bring their pup with them if they were traveling to see me, and I also had a dog that their dog got along with. Itís literally beyond understanding. But now Iím getting myself all riled up again. The real truth is that my sisterís husband sucks and I know he is behind this. So I canít let him win by not visiting my sister (as I wonít let him get in the way of my relationship with her), and yet Iím so frustrated she goes along with such a jackass. Deep breaths.
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Old 01-06-2020, 07:54 PM
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Man all that sucks, sorry to hear . I donít know about sounding like a weird dog person , but you do sound like a dog person

Wanting to isnít the worst thing in the world, doing it would be .


I
C
E

C
R
E
A
M
And breathe
As always Rootin for ya
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Old 01-06-2020, 07:56 PM
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I get the dog thing.

My tiny dog just died. Weeks later, Iíve adopted another little chihuahua mix. He is the sweetest little nine pound boy.

Dogs really, really help in sobriety especially in social situations.

Has your sister explained why your dog isnít welcome? Anything? Pee accident, barking, not getting along with her dogs, etc? Iíd be irritated. I canít imagine what the problem is if itís a pet friendly household. I always tended to just bring my tiny one without asking because she was barely noticed, my nine pound boy I might need to start asking.

Iím sorry. Iíd probably have another chat with her about it. I know why itís important to you.
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Old 01-06-2020, 08:09 PM
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Ok if we're gonna start problem-solving, I'm up for that. Another discussion about bringing the pup to Sister's home (calm, lead with your feelings, Sohard) is definitely in order.

Other practical thoughts:
1. Can everyone come to your place for MLK?
2. Could you skip this holiday and stay home?
3. Is it commutable? Could you drive up for a few hours for a couple of the days
4. Could you stay in a hotel?
5. How about if the pup hangs out in the car (I don't know where you are, so don't know if weather would permit that) and you visit him often? Poor option, maybe - I'm just brainstorming. Combo of 4 & 5 could work...
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Old 01-06-2020, 08:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Obladi View Post
Ok if we're gonna start problem-solving, I'm up for that. Another discussion about bringing the pup to Sister's home (calm, lead with your feelings, Sohard) is definitely in order.

Other practical thoughts:
1. Can everyone come to your place for MLK?
2. Could you skip this holiday and stay home?
3. Is it commutable? Could you drive up for a few hours for a couple of the days
4. Could you stay in a hotel?
5. How about if the pup hangs out in the car (I don't know where you are, so don't know if weather would permit that) and you visit him often? Poor option, maybe - I'm just brainstorming. Combo of 4 & 5 could work...
Nothing works unfortunately. Responding to your list of ideas (and thank you for those):
1. I travel to my sister bc my 80 year old mom (who lives in a non pet friendly condo) lives by her and canít travel. So, they definitely canít come to me.
2. Iím planning to skip MLK now. But, the same problem will exist whenever Iíd like to come see both my mom and sister/niece/nephew. I donít want to feel held back from family bc of a dog who I love, who is harmless, who has helped me get and stay sober.
3. Not commutable. A few states are between us.
4. Yes on hotel. But then screw it, why am I making such an effort?! I should get welcomed in their freaking home, to spend time with my niece and nephew and sister, and not shoved to a hotel bc of a DOG (and itís nothing to do with the dog, itís all my crazy brother in law).

My only option (as I see it) is to accept the situation as is. Itís just infuriating and wrong.

I know, people have much worse things to be upset about. Like, I could be my sister and married to my brother-in-law. Shudder.
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Old 01-06-2020, 08:35 PM
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With my family, I've learnt there is no winner or loser. We all lose. By this I mean, with the passage of time, these arguments become irrelevant and we become more distant. I try my best to let bygones be bygones for the sake of not cutting off ties completely.

If it was me, I would rather spend time with my dog rather than difficult relatives. Over time, these relatives will outlive my dog. And they will forget. My dog doesnt care what I look like
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Old 01-06-2020, 08:39 PM
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Lost my post so I must not supposed to be trying to be wise yet.

Let me just say for now that accepting might be the only option, but if that's the case, maybe we can figure out a way to get rid of the infuriating and wrong part.

Also, if you tell your sister how hurtful this is to you, is there any chance she'll tell you straight up what the deal is and help you figure out a more palatable solution?

I'm off to bed, but I'll check you out tomorrow.

xo
O
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Old 01-06-2020, 08:46 PM
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Good for you girl, so proud of you!

I had a really bad day over the holidays and had the same give me a scotch thoughts, which I thought were truly long gone.

Always serves to remind me that I am addicted, else why would I automatically think of a drink so many years later when the sh$t hits the fan.

On the merits, now I see what is going on maybe a bit with your last mention of her husband, which explains some cause otherwise she was being way out of line.

I have been married to the difficult dude that everyone had to tiptoe around and am now dealing with the same in my sister in law.

It stinks, but it was very hard for me to disobey himself without huge issues for me and my daughter, so I was grateful when people understood. They did not like it, nor should they, but they saw I was in a bind.

I would still be pissed as hell, but if possible would try to take one for the team and see whether there are things you could do going forward to manage around him.

Why do people have to be jerks?
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Old 01-07-2020, 05:24 AM
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Thinks Obladi/Dropsie.

I tried talking to my sister. She canít hear me. I think sheís in self protection mode and would rather not face who she is married to. I get it.

and yes, the world would be better without the jerks.
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Old 01-07-2020, 06:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Sohard View Post
Thank you Tetrax/Derringer. I started to scare myself. I literally was checking my phone apps to see if I still had my minibar delivery one. I was just checking out of curiosity, which is screwed up. I keep thinking, maybe Itís okay to drink. But it helps me to remind myself that I already ran this experiment many times in the past. It never works out.
Proud of you for not drinking! It's crazy indeed when this sort of major stuff crops up - and a trademark of alcoholism.

Entertaining thoughts or even taking the steps to drink isn't strange- but also stuff we learn to fight and redirect. Every day isn't perfect and regrouping has been my best bet for handling this junk.

Keep going. Life gets so much better, easier more frequently, and I have (mostly!) learned to take the bad with the good that outweighs it.
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Old 01-07-2020, 08:30 AM
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Whenever I get to where I would kill for a drink, I just remember that a drink would kill. I have done it enough times to realize that for this alcoholic, it is the truth.

When my mother was passing and I was her care giver, I had to take good hard look at personalities, interactions, and how it effected me. The personalities involved were my sister and my brother in law. I allowed it to get ugly for me for a while. People were not behaving up to my standards. I was the equivalent of my two year old self standing in the corner the corner, crying, stamping my feet, and throwing a tantrum. Things were not going the way I thought they should.

Until I realized that I could not change personalities my chances at serenity were nil. I was expecting people to be what I wanted them to be, which is sheer folly because they can only be what they are.

It was not an easy pill to swallow, but it restored my serenity. I let go of my ego that wanted things to be the way I wanted it to be. This allowed my two year to come out of the corner and become the man that I wanted to be.
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