Hello, here from the family and friends board - hope it’s ok if I post here...
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Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 93
Hello, here from the family and friends board - hope it’s ok if I post here...
I’m having a hard Christmas season - missing my ex, who broke off a few year relationship with me right before the holidays with no warning or conversation (he said he got tired of “pretending” to be something he wasn’t - he always hid how much he drank from me). It’s been very hurtful how completely he has cut me out of his life, when we were so close before and saw or spoke to each other every day. Have any of you ever cut out a significant other because you just got tired of dealing with being in a relationship? Did you ever miss them, or was it pretty easy to sever that tie while drinking? Just trying to understand this from the other side. My friends all think it’s so bizarre that from the night he broke up with me, we haven’t spoken. Of course, my pride won’t let me contact him, even though I want to all the time. Anyway, thanks for listening!
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,426
Hi Abandoned,
I see you got some good advice in other forums
I have no experience to share - if anything I was the co -dependent one willing the relationship to continue. I was like that Meat Loaf song I would do anything for love..except stop drinking.
But...back to you...
rightly or wrongly, whether its for the reason stated or not, it sounds like he wants to move on...
Let him go.
I think you deserve better - someone with a greater commitment.
D
I see you got some good advice in other forums
I have no experience to share - if anything I was the co -dependent one willing the relationship to continue. I was like that Meat Loaf song I would do anything for love..except stop drinking.
But...back to you...
rightly or wrongly, whether its for the reason stated or not, it sounds like he wants to move on...
Let him go.
I think you deserve better - someone with a greater commitment.
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I've broken up with a few people in my life. I've also had people leave me.
It's never fun.
People move on for all kinds of reasons and in breakups it's not usually a cut and dry, over and done deal and often the answers "why" never come. It's not usually just one thing. Like I wouldn't jump to credit all this on the alcohol issue. Yeah, you two disagreed on his drinking. You weren't wrong. If you had a problem with it, that's valid. You have a right to choose what you want or don't want in your life. So does he.
It could just as well have been any other of a number of adult issues that cause breakups. There was probably more than one thing that was going on and you may never get a satisfactory answer.
It takes time to get over. . .and time is something that can't be rushed.
It's never fun.
People move on for all kinds of reasons and in breakups it's not usually a cut and dry, over and done deal and often the answers "why" never come. It's not usually just one thing. Like I wouldn't jump to credit all this on the alcohol issue. Yeah, you two disagreed on his drinking. You weren't wrong. If you had a problem with it, that's valid. You have a right to choose what you want or don't want in your life. So does he.
It could just as well have been any other of a number of adult issues that cause breakups. There was probably more than one thing that was going on and you may never get a satisfactory answer.
It takes time to get over. . .and time is something that can't be rushed.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Sorry for what brings you here. I am sure it hurts to have so many unanswered questions. But to tie his difficulty in dealing with a relationship to his alcoholism may be a reach. I don't know.
However, if he says he's done, take him at his word. And count your blessings, because when I read back over your initial post it sounds like you got out just in time. If he didn't break up, he'd drag you down to his level.
However, if he says he's done, take him at his word. And count your blessings, because when I read back over your initial post it sounds like you got out just in time. If he didn't break up, he'd drag you down to his level.
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 517
Sorry to hear that ☹️
Yes, alcohol will help obliterate the feelings, which is why he seems to be able to cut and run with such ease. It'll all be bubbling away in there somewhere though, alcoholics are human and have feelings too, we just appear unfeeling but the reality is that we feel unusually more than most, which is part of why we drink.
You've probably dodged a bullet here but it maybe hard to see and accept that for a while.
All the best
Yes, alcohol will help obliterate the feelings, which is why he seems to be able to cut and run with such ease. It'll all be bubbling away in there somewhere though, alcoholics are human and have feelings too, we just appear unfeeling but the reality is that we feel unusually more than most, which is part of why we drink.
You've probably dodged a bullet here but it maybe hard to see and accept that for a while.
All the best
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
I agree with the other posters.
I would look forward and not backwards.
I'm confident that you can find someone who is emotionally healthy and who can return your love.
Being in a relationship with a narcissistic drunk is not fun.
I would look forward and not backwards.
I'm confident that you can find someone who is emotionally healthy and who can return your love.
Being in a relationship with a narcissistic drunk is not fun.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 20
Hi Abandoned! I had a break up today on Christmas Eve. I'm an alcoholic. He broke things off with me.
I think that you can't love someone, unless you love yourself. The thing is, with this disease, a person has to want to save themselves.
When you take away the booze, a person has to learn new ways to deal with stress, anxiety...life.
That's not to say that you two can't ever be together again. Hang in there--sometimes, when we love someone, we have to let them go.
I think that you can't love someone, unless you love yourself. The thing is, with this disease, a person has to want to save themselves.
When you take away the booze, a person has to learn new ways to deal with stress, anxiety...life.
That's not to say that you two can't ever be together again. Hang in there--sometimes, when we love someone, we have to let them go.
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Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 93
Thank you all for your insight - this time of the year is for sure not making any of this easier! I do need to just look forward (logically I know that in the end this was probably best, it just came out of nowhere really and I think I’m still trying to search for answers I most likely will never get).
I’m very sorry about your breakup Aspiring - Christmas Eve is it the greatest time for that (not that any time is ever great). Sending you well wishes and hopefully a good Christmas, regardless.
I’m very sorry about your breakup Aspiring - Christmas Eve is it the greatest time for that (not that any time is ever great). Sending you well wishes and hopefully a good Christmas, regardless.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 104
Hi Abandoned...all that stuff a long time ago for me, no recent experience. But sending sympathy to you and all the other folks grieving someone/something over Christmas. Hope the new year and new decade helps you move forward...
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Originally Posted by NessunDorma 
Hi Abandoned...all that stuff a long time ago for me, no recent experience. But sending sympathy to you and all the other folks grieving someone/something over Christmas. Hope the new year and new decade helps you move forward...
Just want the holiday and NYE to be over, I think that will help a lot. Member
Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 69
I always thought sobriety would permanently feel like the first few months, one long anxiety and insomnia episode.
So I wouldn't quit drinking for anyone. I "needed" it.
My thinking in a past relationship was I have to quit drinking and feel horrible all the time so you will like me ? NO.
Once I finally got too sick to continue and long term treatment, it took 6 months to be able to sleep right and a year before I stopped having anxiety attacks.
I started young with drinking, sent to all male abusive boarding school at 12, felt like I didn't know how to act cause in reality I didn't and I knew it, all social development stopped 2 very important years 12 and 13 spent in that hell hole in that hell hole.
I had the typical young experimental drink at 14 and suddenly I felt like I knew what to say and how to say it. It was like freedom. Shy awkward sucks, with alcohol I can be like other people. It started at 14.
All I can really say from 2 decades on the other side is during alcohol dependency you truly believe you need it.
So I wouldn't quit drinking for anyone. I "needed" it.
My thinking in a past relationship was I have to quit drinking and feel horrible all the time so you will like me ? NO.
Once I finally got too sick to continue and long term treatment, it took 6 months to be able to sleep right and a year before I stopped having anxiety attacks.
I started young with drinking, sent to all male abusive boarding school at 12, felt like I didn't know how to act cause in reality I didn't and I knew it, all social development stopped 2 very important years 12 and 13 spent in that hell hole in that hell hole.
I had the typical young experimental drink at 14 and suddenly I felt like I knew what to say and how to say it. It was like freedom. Shy awkward sucks, with alcohol I can be like other people. It started at 14.
All I can really say from 2 decades on the other side is during alcohol dependency you truly believe you need it.
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Join Date: Nov 2019
Posts: 93
Thank you for that insight Kyle - my ex did indicate that he felt like he had to pretend to be something he wasn’t with me (I would have supported him through any treatment he needed, but I don’t think he’s wanting that right now). It’s so difficult to watch someone you love struggle and not speak to you about it. I’m so glad you are now on the other side of it.
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 308
To be very cliche, “it’s him, not you”. He has chosen alcohol over life itself. I know because I’ve been there. Never wanted to leave my wife but I would isolate myself from her (and everyone else) just to be alone and drink.
You can and will do better.
You can and will do better.
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Originally Posted by PhoenixJ
No wise or cynical words. What is done- is done. Move on- focus on you.
Support to you.
Support to you.
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