Need input pkease
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 10
Need input pkease
Invited a woman over for dinner.who I haven't
seen in awhile..I'm practicing people places and things ...detachment...boundaries....she knows I'm only a few months sober...did 30 days rehab...she came over and cooked a wonderful meal while drinking liquor...seen the gradual change from sober to buzzed...then had coke delivered....then went to store for beer..as you can imagine she was pretty lit by now...I use to do this with her all the time before getting sober....my question is was she being clueless in regards to my sobriety....or was she trying purposely trying to sabotage my sobriety????I'm supposed to go on vacation with her in a few weeks...I dont expect her to not party and I don't want to be a kill joy...but she doesn't have just one drink ..she will be pretty tipsy...I'm very happy with my sobriety ...we are in two different worlds now....Will have one year in March...not living together but been together 15 years...she has mocked a.a. telling me I'm suffering from a.a.ittis ....need advice o. What to do..btw have found meetings for vacation ..
seen in awhile..I'm practicing people places and things ...detachment...boundaries....she knows I'm only a few months sober...did 30 days rehab...she came over and cooked a wonderful meal while drinking liquor...seen the gradual change from sober to buzzed...then had coke delivered....then went to store for beer..as you can imagine she was pretty lit by now...I use to do this with her all the time before getting sober....my question is was she being clueless in regards to my sobriety....or was she trying purposely trying to sabotage my sobriety????I'm supposed to go on vacation with her in a few weeks...I dont expect her to not party and I don't want to be a kill joy...but she doesn't have just one drink ..she will be pretty tipsy...I'm very happy with my sobriety ...we are in two different worlds now....Will have one year in March...not living together but been together 15 years...she has mocked a.a. telling me I'm suffering from a.a.ittis ....need advice o. What to do..btw have found meetings for vacation ..
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,311
Sounds like maybe she has her own issues with substances. My husband is an active alcoholic. When he’s sober he can hear my arguments and understand where I’m coming from. Once he starts drinking, all bets are off. He will get completely trashed and leash out at me if I’m in the same vicinity as him. Unfortunately, I think it’s just what addicts do. I remember when I was an active alcoholic that I didn’t care about anyone or anything, I only cared about getting the next drink.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Doesn't sound to me like she is showing much respect for your recovery nor for you as a person to be honest. Getting sober sometimes means cutting ties with those who are toxic to, or not supportive of our sobriety.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 205,712
Hi Villa
I've been in a lot of crazy situations, but I've never had a visitor order coke to my house.
Maybe in a sense she's trying to sabotage your recovery - she wants the old you - but honestly it sounds like she's deep into her own issues and has no idea what recovery is.
I'm not sure what exactly the relationship is - you've been together for 15 years but haven't seen each other for a while?
but I had to cherish my recovery for it to survive and thrive.
I couldn't have been around anyone like this.
D
I've been in a lot of crazy situations, but I've never had a visitor order coke to my house.
Maybe in a sense she's trying to sabotage your recovery - she wants the old you - but honestly it sounds like she's deep into her own issues and has no idea what recovery is.
I'm not sure what exactly the relationship is - you've been together for 15 years but haven't seen each other for a while?
but I had to cherish my recovery for it to survive and thrive. I couldn't have been around anyone like this.
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 24,206
I am with Dee. I'm not sure I'm understanding the need to spend time with her at all after this.
I definitely wouldn't be going on vacation with her. I think that this recent dinner would have to be my last time with this person.
I stopped spending time with all my heavy drinking friends and anyone who does any type of drug. I can't rely on them to watch out for my sobriety - that's my job, so I have to protect myself. Plus they're just not fun to be around. They get repetitive, loud, overly-sensitive, argumentative. I don't like that kind of drama.
I definitely wouldn't be going on vacation with her. I think that this recent dinner would have to be my last time with this person.
I stopped spending time with all my heavy drinking friends and anyone who does any type of drug. I can't rely on them to watch out for my sobriety - that's my job, so I have to protect myself. Plus they're just not fun to be around. They get repetitive, loud, overly-sensitive, argumentative. I don't like that kind of drama.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,600
You might not want to hear this, but there's no way I'd go on a vacation with this woman, or spend any more time with her. She does not seem to respect you or your sobriety. I had to quit hanging out with certain people in my life because they did not support my recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Villa,
She seems like someone who would be a constant irritant at best, and would pull you under at worst.
I know it’s hard to cut people off that we care about, so put the ball in her court. Tell her you need her to cut back overall or not use when she comes over. That should be an easy decision for someone....who cares about you and does not have a serious addiction.
If she can’t, then neither of those two things is true.
She seems like someone who would be a constant irritant at best, and would pull you under at worst.
I know it’s hard to cut people off that we care about, so put the ball in her court. Tell her you need her to cut back overall or not use when she comes over. That should be an easy decision for someone....who cares about you and does not have a serious addiction.
If she can’t, then neither of those two things is true.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,263
I don't know if she's an alcoholic or not but it's clear alcohol is very important to her. I've learned to put my sobriety before every thing and everyone and wouldn't go on vacation with a drinker.
Life is Grand
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,014
I tried to keep my "friends" while getting sober. You know where it got me......drunk. I had to let go of people, places and situations that were toxic to me. I could not stay sober any other way. Even when I thought I could help, someone with a lot more sober days that I had told me "The hand you hold out to help a person drowning in alcohol, might just be the hand that pulls you back down." Not one of us can get better without actually wanting to quit.
I know it is hard to let go, I am sure your friend is trying to hold on to her partying friend by sabotaging your sobriety. She might not be consciously doing it, but it sure sounds like she wants the old you. It is scary to see our old drinking friends get better, it makes us take a look at ourselves, the only way to feel better is to quit, or drag you back down. What you describe is a toxic relationship, not safe for you, especially early in sobriety. A year is fantastic, but it is still early. If you don't watch out for yourself, no one else will. The vacation has red flags all over it and I am sure you know that or you would not be questioning it.
Hugs, Cathy
I know it is hard to let go, I am sure your friend is trying to hold on to her partying friend by sabotaging your sobriety. She might not be consciously doing it, but it sure sounds like she wants the old you. It is scary to see our old drinking friends get better, it makes us take a look at ourselves, the only way to feel better is to quit, or drag you back down. What you describe is a toxic relationship, not safe for you, especially early in sobriety. A year is fantastic, but it is still early. If you don't watch out for yourself, no one else will. The vacation has red flags all over it and I am sure you know that or you would not be questioning it.
Hugs, Cathy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
Originally Posted by Surlyredhead 
I tried to keep my "friends" while getting sober. You know where it got me......drunk. I had to let go of people, places and situations that were toxic to me. I could not stay sober any other way. Even when I thought I could help, someone with a lot more sober days that I had told me "The hand you hold out to help a person drowning in alcohol, might just be the hand that pulls you back down." Not one of us can get better without actually wanting to quit.
I know it is hard to let go, I am sure your friend is trying to hold on to her partying friend by sabotaging your sobriety. She might not be consciously doing it, but it sure sounds like she wants the old you. It is scary to see our old drinking friends get better, it makes us take a look at ourselves, the only way to feel better is to quit, or drag you back down. What you describe is a toxic relationship, not safe for you, especially early in sobriety. A year is fantastic, but it is still early. If you don't watch out for yourself, no one else will. The vacation has red flags all over it and I am sure you know that or you would not be questioning it.
Hugs, Cathy
I know it is hard to let go, I am sure your friend is trying to hold on to her partying friend by sabotaging your sobriety. She might not be consciously doing it, but it sure sounds like she wants the old you. It is scary to see our old drinking friends get better, it makes us take a look at ourselves, the only way to feel better is to quit, or drag you back down. What you describe is a toxic relationship, not safe for you, especially early in sobriety. A year is fantastic, but it is still early. If you don't watch out for yourself, no one else will. The vacation has red flags all over it and I am sure you know that or you would not be questioning it.
Hugs, Cathy
There's no way I would go on a vacation with this gal, have her over for dinner or otherwise seek her company or pleasures.
I had to give up "friends" like this when I got out of the treatment center.
I don't regret doing so, because I got, and have stayed, sober.
When I got sober, my interests became 180 degrees the opposite of what they used to be (sitting on barstools, watching sports incessantly, going to strip joints, etc.).
But those of my drinking buddies remained the same.
So we didn't have the mutuality of interests we previously had.
I would steer clear of this gal and refrain from going on that vacation.
No point in resetting your sobriety date.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,052
Hi Villa, that's a crazy story. My opinion is that she is trying to sabotage your recovery. She may not have formed that intention in her mind, but her actions are super clear. Many people with addictions don't like to see others getting sober because it confronts them about their own issues.
If you value your sobriety don't go away with her. Worst case is you'll relapse, best case you'll have a horrible time.
If you value your sobriety don't go away with her. Worst case is you'll relapse, best case you'll have a horrible time.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 97,596
I have to go with the general consensus and say to cut ties with her. She does not respect you and does not seem like it would be fun to be with her. As the old saying goes: let go or be dragged. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Phoenix
Posts: 1,189
Is she your partner? Girlfriend? I think it is risky behavior, to say the least. Having drugs delivered to the house are the types of things addicts do....isn't that the life you've worked so hard to get away from? Do you enjoy her while she's intoxicated?
I would take a hard look at why you WANT to be around her...?? I used to tempt myself by going on dates with guys who still actively drank or did drugs, I think that I secretly wanted to relapse, and wanted someone else to blame for it...
.
I would take a hard look at why you WANT to be around her...?? I used to tempt myself by going on dates with guys who still actively drank or did drugs, I think that I secretly wanted to relapse, and wanted someone else to blame for it...
.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
