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Need input pkease

Old 12-17-2019, 05:46 PM
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Need input pkease

Invited a woman over for dinner.who I haven't

​seen in awhile..I'm practicing people places and things ...detachment...boundaries....she knows I'm only a few months sober...did 30 days rehab...she came over and cooked a wonderful meal while drinking liquor...seen the gradual change from sober to buzzed...then had coke delivered....then went to store for beer..as you can imagine she was pretty lit by now...I use to do this with her all the time before getting sober....my question is was she being clueless in regards to my sobriety....or was she trying purposely trying to sabotage my sobriety????I'm supposed to go on vacation with her in a few weeks...I dont expect her to not party and I don't want to be a kill joy...but she doesn't have just one drink ..she will be pretty tipsy...I'm very happy with my sobriety ...we are in two different worlds now....Will have one year in March...not living together but been together 15 years...she has mocked a.a. telling me I'm suffering from a.a.ittis ....need advice o. What to do..btw have found meetings for vacation ..


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Old 12-17-2019, 06:20 PM
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I don't think she is trying to sabotage your sobriety at all. She just doesn't respect you or what you are trying to do.
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Old 12-17-2019, 06:32 PM
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Sounds like maybe she has her own issues with substances. My husband is an active alcoholic. When heís sober he can hear my arguments and understand where Iím coming from. Once he starts drinking, all bets are off. He will get completely trashed and leash out at me if Iím in the same vicinity as him. Unfortunately, I think itís just what addicts do. I remember when I was an active alcoholic that I didnít care about anyone or anything, I only cared about getting the next drink.
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Old 12-17-2019, 07:08 PM
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Doesn't sound to me like she is showing much respect for your recovery nor for you as a person to be honest. Getting sober sometimes means cutting ties with those who are toxic to, or not supportive of our sobriety.
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Old 12-17-2019, 07:21 PM
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Hi Villa

I've been in a lot of crazy situations, but I've never had a visitor order coke to my house.

Maybe in a sense she's trying to sabotage your recovery - she wants the old you - but honestly it sounds like she's deep into her own issues and has no idea what recovery is.

I'm not sure what exactly the relationship is - you've been together for 15 years but haven't seen each other for a while? but I had to cherish my recovery for it to survive and thrive.

I couldn't have been around anyone like this.

D
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Old 12-17-2019, 07:26 PM
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yes, two different worlds, as you say.
what is the pull?
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Old 12-17-2019, 09:10 PM
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Old 12-18-2019, 05:57 AM
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Sounds like she has her own substance abuse issues.

And her mocking AA is probably a defense, because deep down she probably know that she needs help herself.

Just my two cents.
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Old 12-18-2019, 06:08 AM
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I am with Dee. I'm not sure I'm understanding the need to spend time with her at all after this.

I definitely wouldn't be going on vacation with her. I think that this recent dinner would have to be my last time with this person.

I stopped spending time with all my heavy drinking friends and anyone who does any type of drug. I can't rely on them to watch out for my sobriety - that's my job, so I have to protect myself. Plus they're just not fun to be around. They get repetitive, loud, overly-sensitive, argumentative. I don't like that kind of drama.
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Old 12-18-2019, 08:09 AM
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You might not want to hear this, but there's no way I'd go on a vacation with this woman, or spend any more time with her. She does not seem to respect you or your sobriety. I had to quit hanging out with certain people in my life because they did not support my recovery.
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Old 12-18-2019, 10:29 AM
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Villa,
She seems like someone who would be a constant irritant at best, and would pull you under at worst.

I know itís hard to cut people off that we care about, so put the ball in her court. Tell her you need her to cut back overall or not use when she comes over. That should be an easy decision for someone....who cares about you and does not have a serious addiction.

If she canít, then neither of those two things is true.
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Old 12-23-2019, 12:15 PM
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I don't know if she's an alcoholic or not but it's clear alcohol is very important to her. I've learned to put my sobriety before every thing and everyone and wouldn't go on vacation with a drinker.
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Old 12-23-2019, 03:41 PM
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I tried to keep my "friends" while getting sober. You know where it got me......drunk. I had to let go of people, places and situations that were toxic to me. I could not stay sober any other way. Even when I thought I could help, someone with a lot more sober days that I had told me "The hand you hold out to help a person drowning in alcohol, might just be the hand that pulls you back down." Not one of us can get better without actually wanting to quit.

I know it is hard to let go, I am sure your friend is trying to hold on to her partying friend by sabotaging your sobriety. She might not be consciously doing it, but it sure sounds like she wants the old you. It is scary to see our old drinking friends get better, it makes us take a look at ourselves, the only way to feel better is to quit, or drag you back down. What you describe is a toxic relationship, not safe for you, especially early in sobriety. A year is fantastic, but it is still early. If you don't watch out for yourself, no one else will. The vacation has red flags all over it and I am sure you know that or you would not be questioning it.

Hugs, Cathy
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Old 12-23-2019, 04:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Surlyredhead View Post
I tried to keep my "friends" while getting sober. You know where it got me......drunk. I had to let go of people, places and situations that were toxic to me. I could not stay sober any other way. Even when I thought I could help, someone with a lot more sober days that I had told me "The hand you hold out to help a person drowning in alcohol, might just be the hand that pulls you back down." Not one of us can get better without actually wanting to quit.

I know it is hard to let go, I am sure your friend is trying to hold on to her partying friend by sabotaging your sobriety. She might not be consciously doing it, but it sure sounds like she wants the old you. It is scary to see our old drinking friends get better, it makes us take a look at ourselves, the only way to feel better is to quit, or drag you back down. What you describe is a toxic relationship, not safe for you, especially early in sobriety. A year is fantastic, but it is still early. If you don't watch out for yourself, no one else will. The vacation has red flags all over it and I am sure you know that or you would not be questioning it.

Hugs, Cathy
Couldn't agree more.

There's no way I would go on a vacation with this gal, have her over for dinner or otherwise seek her company or pleasures.

I had to give up "friends" like this when I got out of the treatment center.

I don't regret doing so, because I got, and have stayed, sober.

When I got sober, my interests became 180 degrees the opposite of what they used to be (sitting on barstools, watching sports incessantly, going to strip joints, etc.).

But those of my drinking buddies remained the same.

So we didn't have the mutuality of interests we previously had.

I would steer clear of this gal and refrain from going on that vacation.

No point in resetting your sobriety date.
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Old 12-23-2019, 04:50 PM
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Hi Villa, that's a crazy story. My opinion is that she is trying to sabotage your recovery. She may not have formed that intention in her mind, but her actions are super clear. Many people with addictions don't like to see others getting sober because it confronts them about their own issues.

If you value your sobriety don't go away with her. Worst case is you'll relapse, best case you'll have a horrible time.
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Old 12-23-2019, 05:37 PM
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I have to go with the general consensus and say to cut ties with her. She does not respect you and does not seem like it would be fun to be with her. As the old saying goes: let go or be dragged.
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Old 12-23-2019, 09:44 PM
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Is she your partner? Girlfriend? I think it is risky behavior, to say the least. Having drugs delivered to the house are the types of things addicts do....isn't that the life you've worked so hard to get away from? Do you enjoy her while she's intoxicated?

I would take a hard look at why you WANT to be around her...?? I used to tempt myself by going on dates with guys who still actively drank or did drugs, I think that I secretly wanted to relapse, and wanted someone else to blame for it...

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