Moving from hyper vigilant to think about longer term goals
 

I see there's another thread currently talking about moving beyond focusing purely on sobriety and on to longer term goals.

For me, so far, I haven't given myself a chance to see what sober life is like after having broken the cycle for a significant period of time. I've only managed 6 weeks. I need to stick at this thing like a man on a mission for a long time and then come back and reassess what my goals beyond just sobriety moving forward. I think a big part of why I have kept relapsing is that I am way too quick to move beyond the vigilant stage and on to this stage 2 of how my life should like after getting sober. And I take my eye off where my main focus should be.

I'd be curious to hear from others with significant sobriety under their belt, at what point they made that transition from being massively vigilant and focusing purely on sobriety, to looking at other aspects of their life - clearly it was a hell of a lot longer than 6 weeks! Others in the thread I referenced were at the 4 year mark. I'm just curious really...I say that as I know people are going to say: you need to stick to the here and now and worry about that other stuff when the time comes!

Briansy

For me it wasn't a set period of time. It was more like learning to ride a bike. Build on a foundation. But if I had to say when the bike riding felt more at ease, then 18 months or so. Give yourself a break and focus on being sober for today. They string together quickly enough.

AG

I always had other goals in conjunction with not drinking -- for example, I am a terrible procrastinator, which I think is related to addiction.

I always tried to work on that while staying sober.

but thats me.

I'm learning to be in the present which means learning why it is difficult to be in the present. When I try to relax into the present various uncomfortable feelings arise. I identify them as being what I avoid by engaging in addictive behaviour.

I'm addicted to fantasies about the future like what I'll spend a million dollars on. These fantasies tend to come up when I've a choice of being in an uncomfortable present so I see them as bad habits that don't help me stay sober but rather maintains an addictive mindset.

I may not be so much about being in the present or setting future goals so much as being realistic which in turn ties in to having a mindset bent to honesty. When its time to be present, recognise that and work on it and when its time to set goals do that, always with honesty in the forefront.

At first I planned every hour of the day, trips, had a plan, dinners, dances, plans. At around the year mark, I accepted I was done.
I am just over 2 years, I no longer plan, because it (drinking) isn't an.option. Party last Saturday, DH was drinking whiskey and ginger, I drank ginger, then water. Worrying about drinking and sobriety is not all encompassing, because the worry no longer exists. There is no desire.
I have a year smoke free and I am about the same with it. Everyone is different. It depends on how fast you accept who you are, that using is never an option again and create a new clean life, then live that life.

It's hard to pinpoint.

I do know my first year or year and a half I was mainly involved with AA and going to meetings.

I know I had begun to branch out by the time I landed a new job three years later.

Sobriety always comes first but I find it also important to have balance in my life.

To have outside interests and connect with non-AA people.

My first year was about not drinking.

I might have been able to move onto phase two sooner but I really wanted to make sure the foundations of my recovery house were good.

D

I was on the revolving door of chronic relapse for so long that I took the better part of 3 years to anchor myself before I'd really started to plan big stuff.

I think for the most part, it's completely out of your control. Your gonna know when it feels right. An then it'll drive you nuts because it's so foreign to plan like that when instant gratification has ruled your life for so long..At least that's how it's been for me.

I think early sobriety was easier for me. All my choices were black and white. I always asked myself "Is this good or bad for my sobriety?" If it was bad, I walked away from it. Maybe uncomplicated is a better word.

Some great comments here, thanks all. Some work to do in 2020!

Yep.

Being what others might consider "cautious" or "too conservative" sure didn't serve me wrong as I focused on sobriety first, particularly that first 90 days, 6 mo, etc, and gradually opened up other plans.

It has never served me wrong, either, whether then or now, to think of "the next right thing." As in, what I am going to do next: not dinner plans tonight with my mom, but finish on SR and go to the grocery. And so on.

Ya gotta get the foundation, B.

In regards to my sobriety itself, the short term goal was one in the same with the long term goal - don't drink alcohol ;-)

AKA- don't overthink it. Certainly there will be a time when we all transition from the hypervigilant/week 1/taking it one hour at a time to a more balanced focus, but it's different for everyone. Comparing to others really is of not much help because the issues you face are different than mine, or anyone's. My personal path to being sober included lots more than just "not drinking". I had to work on my mental health, physical health and lifestyle.

Rather than taking inventory or setting a timeline, how about just making a simple list of things you can do to help yourself today. If depression or anxiety is an issue, seek help for that. If some physical health problem ails you, see a doctor. If you need to change your social habits, work on that.

You will really be suprised how much all those little things add up over time.

Spot on. Thanks Scott. And you too, August. Kinda what I expected but good stuff nonetheless.

I had to go from taking and telling people "good stuff" into trying what it was they were suggesting.

And exactly as Scott said - and I have found and find true in every area of life and progress: the little habits build into a lifestyle.

I think August and Scott have given very sound advice. The only thing I would add is develop mindfulness and maintain a heightened sense of self-awareness.

I’ve been on this site almost ten years and I have yet to read, “I wish I would’ve been more relaxed in early sobriety.”

^^^^I need about nine jillion FB hearts or likes for that post!!!!

So true...

Don’t know really. At 9 months I am still battling with just not drinking.

My ego tells me that when everything falls into place, I will be peaceful and serene. My ego has it bassackwards, when I am peaceful and serene, everything falls into place. The natural order occurs and the stream of life flows unencumbered.

Peace comes when I train my mind to process life as it is, rather than the way I think it should be. Peace comes from being. Being is right here, right now. We are human beings, not human futures.

It is all well and good to formulate plans for the future because this provides direction, as long as I don't plan outcomes. Instead I look to do the next right thing, When I do this, I experience peace. I keep an eye on the future but my mind on doing the next right thing, over and over again.

Callas, my friend - that's totally OK! Honestly, I considered myself a newcomer for much longer than others I think - and certainly didn't have "all" my footing by 9 mo. If you are not drinking, you are winning every day.

One thing that you bring up and seem to focus on a lot, Briansy - thinking we should be "ok" or "steady" or "all better" at x time. It just doesn't work in a linear process, IMO and experience. Even each DAY itself isn't a straight shot from making up the bed to turning back the covers.

Again, like several of us have been saying, step one is ALWAYS about not drinking. Period. And gradually for me, while drinking was off the table day one or I knew I'd die in short order, what it is about before the not drinking is NOW for me about what drinking was meant to accomplish: ESCAPISM.

Life itself is just plain better sober. That can mean diff things on diff days and yeah, some of them are just "thank God I didn't drink today." More often, they are so much more than that step one.

There's not a shortcut or fast track to a good sober life. Looking at it as if there is a target date or no need to learn the basics and new habits is a fool's errand. It either leads to sobriety which might just be unhappy abstinence, or drinking.

Like I always say, setting myself up for success rather than failure has also never been the wrong idea.