I'm mad at this disease
 

I'm mad at this disease and what it has done to my family. My parents were alcoholics, my 2 older brothers are full blown alcoholics. I drank for the better part of 35 years. The last 10 of that was dreadful. Painful. My sister is an occasional drinker, thankfully she was spared.
I look back on my childhood now and resent my deceased parents. My father never spent quality time with me. My mother drank all day but managed to function. I practically hate my oldest brother, he's a total jerk. I speak to him once a year. I really blame alcohol on my unhappiness in life until I quit drinking. Now it's all about resentment. I have plenty of them. I just have to stay the course. This disease is not bigger than me. Its staying in the bottle where it belongs. I can't believe I was fooled by this crap for so many years. What a joke alcoholism is. Nothing but a freaking joke.

I'm sorry Wayne - but I'm really pleased you've broken the chain :)

D

Stay the course Wayne.

If you think addiction is a big monster, so is
resentments. That sucker can fester each day
and continue to grow and grow inside us and....
yes, it will take us out.

It's like a cancer eating us from the inside affecting
our hearts, minds and souls making us extremely sick
and for many.....dangerous. Dangerous not only to
ourselves but to others too.

I too have to constantly remind myself about letting
go of my own resentments. If I hang onto the past and
how I was treated by sick folks around me or all those
kids who were cruel and mean to me thru out my school
yrs.. All those whom I worked with, the bullies before,
during and after that crossed my path.....

Yep, many resentments, but what good would it do
me to hang onto them......no good comes out of it at
all.

It just makes me madder, pizzed off, anxious, depressed,
furious, wanting to get even.....

That's not what was taught to me in recovery. The
info taught to me and to apply to my everyday life
and into all situations is to pray for them and place
all my burdens into my Higher Powers hands.

The Faith I was brought up on and continue to learn
from teaches me to forgive and no it is not an easy
task. But, I have to if I want to remain healthy and
happy and sober.

It was just yesterday while out in my gardens when
in my mind I was talking to God and saying how I wish
other knew exactly what I went thru as a child. How
I wish others understood me. Then, I am remined that
there is One person who knows and understands all.

And that One is the Man I turn to on a daily bases
for help, strength, guidance and forgiveness. Within
those thoughts and meditation comes peace within.

The past, my childhood, addiction in my own
family and more, I can not change. What I can
change is me. I dont need to be like them. That
I can be a healthy example in the eyes of those
around me today.

I have enough weight to carry with all those pavers,
bags of rocks, garden soil that I lift, drag, pour around
my own yard that I dont need those heavy resentment
boulders weighing heavy on my shoulders. Right? :)

I know it hurts, but I hope you find the strength
deep within to forgive and let go with continuous
prayer and learning to live life resentment free
today.

Strong solid sobriety/recovery straight ahead.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, Wayne. Resentments are a huge thing for most of us, me for sure. I simply had to keep going thru them...

And I can't think of alcoholism as a joke, or a cruel twist of fate - it will kill me if I let it, but I don't have to.

Keep working on being what you can be sober.

Try to let go of the resentments, it is a waste of time holding on to anger. The anger does not serve you.
Take that energy and use it for something good. Help someone else who is suffering. Maybe here.
I turned a corner in my sobriety when I let go of the past, the anger, self doubts, judgments and resentments.
Everything happens for a reason, these experiences will help you somewhere along your journey.
:grouphug:

Hope you are having a better day today Wayne. I'm glad you realize that these are indeed resentments...they can be quite dangerous too if we don't handle them accordingly. You've got the choice to move on to bigger and better things, hope you can do so today.

I relate

I'm swimming in a pool of family crap. All surrounding my still very much physically alive, but totally mentally fried, parents.

I hate what booze has done to my life too. I recently broke my ribs, not booze related, but I couldn't get anything for the pain. I was soooo resentful. The opiate addicts that are victims to big pharma and physicians. Yet I, who hav3 never had any other addiction than booze, am weak. Am I not a victim to big booze? Has criminalization ever ever worked? My point being, because I'm a drunk I couldn't get anything for pain. And I'd rather have triplets that go through that again. It was really crushing.

Well so there's that. So I get it. I find myself dreaming of a day that I never, ever have to speak to a single person in my family. Not from lack of love....but we are all so fricken damaged by this drug.

So then what? I guess I breath deeply. Last night, as I lay in bed, unable to sleep, mad, angry, hurt, frightened (I had to speak with the brother that molested me yesterday....I could tell he was terrified too...his voice actually cracked...and this dude is like Vin Deisal or something) I just laid there. Palms open (I tend to clench my fists...not sure what that is about) and just said: Breath in goodness, breath out pain....over and over.

I am so lucky. I am sober. I have 2, it might be 3, college freshman on break upstairs eating me out of house and home. Doing laundry. Cooking. Able to buy food for all of them.

Alcohol sucks. But gratitude, just for the little things, helps.

Ok that was not an uplifting post. Just know you aren't alone.

OP,

One day at a time.

As recovery continues, perspectives change.

As family dysfunctional dynamics are broken, great healing and wellness can thrive.

It can be good to recognize and feel emotions, then sit with them a bit before moving on to releasing them. My experience has been they serve a purpose and are to be honored in that respect!

How are you doing today?

----

entropy, have you reached out for help? Local community help centers, a larger one further away if you are in a small locality, and/or private help services. Keep using your voice and break the secrecy and silence patterns dysfunction uses to abuse and hurt.

Thank you everyone for your reply. Good insight and advice from you all. Some days are harder than others. Its not about craving alcohol at this point. Its about putting the pieces together after a lifetime of alcoholism in my life and those around me. When I hit rough seas I know who to come to. You fine folks. I really appreciate it.
Wayne.

WTK- a good share. Booze has damaged my foo-generational on both sides. I like how you single out the alcoholism to focus anger on- not yourself. Although I am still responsible and damage I did drinking- I am no longer that person.

Alcoholism truly does suck.

Honestly mate. alcoholism is caused by trauma and a biological predisposition. There's a great poem by Phillip Larkin called This Be The Verse

They F you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were F'ed up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

I'm not suggesting don't have a family or kids or anything. But understand that your parents were only like that because they had their own issues. And then passed them onto you. Unfortunately when our parents F us up, we turn upon ourselves and self-destruct, often by following the same pattern,

But hopefully you can see this for what it is now. And you can break the chain and rebuild everything. What better legacy from going through all this stuff than that? And you have already done half the battle just by getting sober, which is very hard.

Don't get mad. Get determined. Make things better. You can and will.

Love your thought process and updated share, Wayne. I get it ;)

I'm glad you have the power to stop and stay stopped. As an alcoholic I didn't have that same power so for me, it was absolutely NO joke. It wasn't a sign of weakness, it wasn't lack of willpower... it was the outward manifestation of an illness that was killing me and dragging into my death spiral all the people who mattered to me. For me it was either recover from alcoholism or ruin the lives of the people I cared about and eventually take my own life. To me, that's pretty serious business.