courage2

I've seen you around here for a long time, Fallow and you're definitely not crazy. You're just dependent on alcohol, at least mentally. When the "wanna get straight" decision makes a stand, you crave what you depend on. The thing you're denying yourself becomes the white elephant you can't avoid staring at. Plus you're no doubt carrying around a lot of extra anxiety because of COVID.

Have you tried the AVRT approach? It might be helpful to you.

Stay the course! Cheering for you!

Fallow

Yes that is all true Courage.

I have used AVRT it has some great aspects. The thing about being mentally dependent hits home. Since theres no physical dependency it is easy for me to justify continuing to drink.

The virus has had a lot of unforseen effects on my situation. I normally am pretty introverted so being stuck at home with my wife and kids has not been stress free lol. Not that I am thinking it is for anyone.

My wife drank a bottle of wine last night.
I stayed sober.

Fallow

Obladi, we are definitely all mad here! I remember as a kid my friends and I would take drugs and watch all the old Disney films. Sad now thinking how I was destroying my life but thought I was having fun.

I read a little bit of your thread yesterday and got some great insights. When I get some time I hope to start at the beginning. Happy you seem to be doing well!

The thing I was reading about was something along the lines of being someone who doesn't want to quit. I think that is really my underlying issue. I think I need to quit and should quit but I don't really want to.

​​​​Recently I had not gotten as much pleasure out of drinking as in the past but I still enjoyed it. I am afraid of what the long term effects will be though especially on my health.

Obladi

I have a friend who said it just the way I thought it, "I want to want to quit." I've certainly been in that place, and to some extent I still am, even having done quit. Talking about it in a different context this morning, it's a matter of sincere hope for the future. If I don't have that, then what's the point? ...But then again, if I don't stay done quit, how in the world can I hope to gain sincere hope for the future? I can't....So I stay the course. Keep trying things, adding to the arsenal.This time literally putting myself physically in the game 100% of the time by living in and working from a sober home....I came to a point where I most assuredly did not "enjoy" drinking, but it felt necessary. Sometimes physically (in the midst of a binge, of course), but the larger problem was that it seemed my brain needed to have a wall thrown up to protect it from itself. That's a bizarre thing to realize. And also pretty crazy to do. ...Stay the course, man.

Fallow

I want to want to quit is so true lol.

I was doing some thinking today and just realizing how much I have changed since I have been on this forum. A lot of bad stuff and a lot of good things have happened. I think my daughter wasn't even born yet and now she is 9. One thing though is that my social abilities appear to have gotten much worse. Since having a wife and kids I have become much more reclusive and do not like being around people much. I used to travel lots, go to lots of concerts, always able to meet new friends, but something has changed. And this was before covid lol. Yeah I was at the height of my drinking back then and obviously that does not work.

Even with this forum though. I started out with no anxiety over posting or replying to people years ago but now I feel like I don't know what to say. I read posts and totally relate and get tons out of it but then I'm thinkin 'well I don't have anything to add to this conversation'. Then I also feel a certain way because I know I have gained lots of knowledge here and not given much back. I just don't know how people do it.

I went to church for years and got pretty involved and started volunteering and then one day it hit me and I just couldn't do the social aspect of it anymore. So I stopped going. I feel like people must have though it quite odd. I mean my family still goes (or went) but I just couldn't do it anymore. I don't honestly feel bad about all of this because I enjoy my solitude but I just can't put my finger on the feeling.

I guess growing up in an abusive childhood I am very prone to being stuck in the FOG. And I have learned to hide from that feeling plus people who seem to cause that. Hell I am even afraid to be obligated to my own addictions.

I keep telling myself to post here every day so I can stay sober and attempt to get my mind sorted one day. I obviously have not achieved success there yet but I am trying to get there.

Sober train is still rollin.