I’m still fighting my addiction
 

Guys, I’ve been sober for 2 years now.

I still fight my addiction, because it’s worth it.

Some days, I flow easy like Sunday mornings....some months, even, they go down like butter.

Other months, not so much.

“Will it get better,” you ask.

Sometimes. Sometimes not. Sometimes you’ll think gosh this is so much better than the first week, what a relief. And then two months later you find yourself reeling with despair and wishing there was something, anything you could take to make the world go away, even for a few hours, even with the promise of crushing, soul sucking withdrawal looming over you.

There isn’t anything you can take, though. Nothing takes the pain away. Alcohol suppresses it like a pressure valve, that nearly explodes with misery when it can’t be contained anymore. Sober up and there you’ll find it. Is the plan to stay drunk all the time, to keep the misery at bay? This alcoholic fool actually lived like that, once.

I don’t have some great hero’s journey in front of me or behind me. I don’t have any wisdom to share. My life is my own. Your life is yours. Although I’ve tried, who am I to speak on behalf of your own personally experienced misery and what it means: I am not some divine being that knows, so why should I speak on it? I will, unfortunately give my not so welcome opinion here and there and everywhere, but know that your pain is your own, despite what anyone says from a keyboard.

There are quiet moments in the day that I reflect on my life and family, and I can see that they knew I loved them so much, and in those moments I smile. Even if you don’t manage to stop drinking, or maybe it takes decades to do so, remember to hug the people you love, and even love them so much it hurts, if you can. In the end, they will be all you have.

I have work to do still here, even though sometimes I wish I could just be done. I have people to get up in the morning for, to drive places, to embrace, to write messages to, to cook for, to guide, to love; to stay sober for. I could let pain take over in all sorts of ways, even in the pressurized way alcohol does, and sometimes it seems it would be so easy to do. But doing that means a lot of collateral damage to people I love. Even if I don’t care about myself that much, I care about the person I might hit with my car on the way to get more bottles of gin, and I care about my family. I let that carry me through on days it seems it would just be way too easy to give in.

Some days, I flow like the breeze, and some days, I struggle. It hasn’t been easy for me. But for all the ways that death could take me, one thing is for sure: I can die all sorts of ways with peace of mind knowing I did the best I could, except a death occurring as a direct result of an alcoholic relapse. Of all the things I can’t control in my life, my alcoholism is not one of them. I don’t have to take that first drink. And every day; no matter how dark or despairing, that I refuse to give in to my alcoholism, that I do not pick up that first drink, is a blessing.

Sassy, I consider you to be a friend here and truthfully I’m concerned. You do have a hero’s journey behind and ahead of you. I remember when I first got here, when every day felt like an immense struggle just to claw my way out of the darkness and pretend to be a functional human being, you were here singing the praises of your newfound sobriety and I drew from your strength and enthusiasm.

I’ve honestly never been suicidal but I’ve certainly thought about death. And I distinctly remember when I first quit I had this overwhelming feeling of “ok, I’ve done what I needed to do, now I can die in peace.” Like, I didn’t necessarily want to die but I was ready to go. It seems to me that’s maybe sort of where you’re at right now, and that’s a mindset worth “fighting” to change..

At first I thought I was at a huge disadvantage because I live alone and had made a huge mess of all my personal relationships which seemed damaged beyond repair. Now I see that as one of my biggest advantages because I’ve had to learn how to do this completely on my own, never for or because of anyone else. Anytime I’ve tried outsourcing the credit or blame, my sobriety has been in danger. I have no doubt if you were in my position you cold and would have learned to do everything you’ve done on your own. It’s only your AV that tells you otherwise.

I know you’ve been thrown the curveball of having a parent die, and I’m really sorry you’re dealing with that. But I hope you will continue searching for new emotional and spiritual outlets rather than considering turning to the old ways of dealing with pain and trauma and tragedy.

It’s just a post to remind people that yep, you can be depressed and not give up your sobriety.

I acknowledge my depression and honor it, it is what I expect in this year of grief. I don’t think attempts to fix depression will make it go away faster. Time will lessen the pain.

I don’t know that I’d want to change the fact that if it was my time, I could go in peace. But I’m a lot older than you also, and I have somewhat non traditional ideas about death and dying.

It’s possible that you draw strength from different sources than me. My family is my rock. But I don’t think it’s AV to feel that they have held me up when my strength was low. Maybe family for me is what some would call my higher power.

I’m depressed, but I am not suicidal. There is a key difference there. I thought I was clear about that, but if it seems unclear, let that be known.

Wow, a timely post I must add. Very nice.

Funny thing, writing all that? Somehow made me feel a little lighter tonight.

Sometimes helps to get all the thoughts, the real ones, out there. And clarify once more for the millionth time for myself, why I do not return to drinking.

My mother passed away unexpectedly last month. I took her to the hospital on a Friday and returned Saturday expecting to take her home. Instead she was asking for a priest. Last Rites. She died a few days later.

It was an extremely sad and trying time to say the least. But like you I embraced the sadness (or cried is more like it.)

What else can you do?

Depression? I don't suffer from depression. When I am feeling down I can generally pinpoint the reason. However, I know for many this isn't the case.

I’m sorry you lost your mom, Ken.

It is true people can experience grief without becoming depressed. I think because my grief is complicated, it’s harder to move past. That, and I’ve been prone to depression my entire life, so traumatic events can kickstart it, or worsen it. It is what it is.

Like you say: what can you do, except allow the passage of time to lessen the sting.

I'm sorry for your loss Ken.

Sassy, I applaud your honesty - thanks for sharing your truth - and your continued recovery :)

D

Thank you for understanding, dee.

As I’ve always said, posting at SR all over the place may look like it’s for other people, but with every post, I am still working my recovery. Even when it’s not all tied up in a bright bow, I have to continue to be honest, or at some point, I’ll stop being honest with myself.

"Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children"-James O' Barr the creator of The Crow books and movies...

You have it twisted, I think, though. You are a hero to your children for your journey. That's a hero's journey. You won against death. Against hopelessness, against despair. Most people who try to recover from this won't ever get a solid 6 months. Again...slayed the beast. At least for the last 2 years.

I used to run with this biker named Julian. He had 7 years in the program. He was as hardcore as you could get. Everybody wanted what this guy had. One day I got a call from my buddy that he put a knife through his heart.

This stands out to me because everyone that was super close with him, saw that he was starting to spiral. Not big, but he got almost "dis associative" and his whole demeanor changed in just a few weeks. He knew he was depressed, but he was very quiet about his pain. Here one day, gone the next. Nobody could believe it.

You know you're in a depression. While it's good to recognize it, sometimes we need more help than we can give ourselves. Even more than we get here or in AA or both. I know, you know, that you have to do whatever it takes in every 24 hours to earn the next day. If you need more help, go get it. You might need some therapy. I'm paying almost 800 bucks a month out of pocket for therapy for me, my wife and the girls.

Just....you know...if this gets to be too much..go get help. Your kids and a lot of other people need you.
While I don't think you wanna drink or kill yourself drinking either, I'm also a bit concerned. Yeah, you're dealing, but maybe you could be feeling better than you do if you got some more help.

I hope you feel better soon.
-J

I hear you. You too, Cosima.

I’m listening. I’m not sure I’ll do anything about it: I’ve just got some really asinine and pointless experiences behind my belt with therapy and medication for depression. A couple of bad therapists. A few months to a year completely manic (man, that was terrifying) on Prozac, a complete zombie on a couple other antidepressants. Just basically a lot of nothing, and quite a few negatives which make it hard to take that route, because I have no history of it helping.

I know intellectually that you can keep trying therapists and meds but the drive to do so isn’t there, without the history of any of it helping.

I remember after being on Prozac and high as a kite (nothing but Prozac and what it did to my brain) my mother pulling me aside and asking me if I was on drugs. “Just Prozac,” I said. She didn’t believe me. That was 20mg a day.

It’s a very long, very difficult history with PMDD, severe depression and alcoholism. For now, all I know how to do with this is stay sober, and focus on my kids.

So far it’s been enough. It scares me to hear stories of people suddenly committing suicide: I may be sad, but I want to live.

I think it’s interesting how people today seem to think happiness is the normal route. Really? Why do we think that? And how come it’s not ok to just be sad...even very sad, for a good long while? Why, I dare to ask: does the default have to be happiness, or it is considered abnormal? Buddha would state quite the opposite.

Going to try to sleep now. Early morning tomorrow, my 13 year old wants to make sure she gets to her math tutoring on time.

Thanks everyone.

Your post was inspiring to me because I too am suffering through a major depressive bout and my recovery is no longer on autopilot. I am so sorry to hear that you lost a parent. My depression is simply brought on by the change of seasons. I can't control its onset, but I use a Daylight lamp in the mornings and use a doctor prescribed anti depressant for my SAD. I spend a lot of time on SR and have started attending meetings. I am thinking a lot about alcohol, dreaming about that couple hours of escape you mention, but too afraid to actually pick up. I didn't get sober for me, I got sober for my kids. I want to be an example of somebody who beat the odds and managed to be a loving parent to them despite suffering from this horrible brain disease called alcoholism. I have twice the sobriety you do and still feel much like you are. Sometimes, this recovery journey is a no brainer. Sometimes, it takes all I have. It's better than drinking all day every day. It doesn't work. I know, because I tried that.

Depression is a beast unto itself. It is extremely challenging trying to climb out of its hole. Please do anything you can to get back on track. Just because you had bad experiences with certain medications and or therapists does not guarantee that the next one won't help.

Thanks again for sharing your story. It is a reminder to all that recovery is not a one and done task, it is a lifelong endeavor.

You are stronger than you admit, and you are loved. Take solace in that and keep fighting the good fight. The sun will shine again one day yet again.

Stargazer,
My goodness your post helped me to feel so much less alone.

Thanks for explaining why you felt my post was helpful. I hope not just you but anyone who is feeling that pull of depression can join me in the fight to avoid going back to drinking, whatever it takes. Like you, when I drank it was all day, starting after coffee, until I was smashed and crying in the evenings. Of course I will tell myself it would only be one beer while sitting in the backyard watching leaves fall. That’s just another lie, though.

I have routines I keep to avoid depression that have gone by the wayside. I’ve essentially stopped exercising, I’m stockpiling and consuming sugar in the afternoons, I have begun flying off the handle at my husband (also a very old pattern) and avoiding work, spending too much time on screens. My oldest suggested I go outside with the chickens, just to be outside so I did start sitting in the sunlight outside for the last couple days. I know the things I need to do for self care but they are hard to do when the dark pulls you down.

The drinking thoughts drift in, who would care anyway (everyone), it’s been long enough (its been awhile but I am no less alcoholic than I was when I stopped), I’m sinking anyway (and I should sink further, why?), sometimes it might be fun (disappearing is fun?).....and I shake them off thought by thought while feeling terrible.

I need a plan for this just as I need a plan for anything else. I may not use conventional ways to get better but I always have ways to get better just like anyone else does, it involves planning, forethought and small acts of discipline like any other plan does. Like anyone else I can choose to get better or I can choose to keep sinking. I hear from everyone here that it’s the continuing to sink part that can be unpredictable, and the warnings from everyone here have been heard.

I’m with you, if you’ve ever felt so bad that maybe the worst idea ever could seem like a good idea. And I’m with anyone here who lately, is waking up every day and reminding themselves that they don’t drink, no matter what. Drinking isn’t just sinking, it’s hurling yourself off a cliff. Time to keep some perspective, even though perspective seems the last thing within my grasp.

Though I'm sure our living situations couldn't be any more different, I'm nodding my head to every insight you're describing, every thought you're having, at 2 years and some sober. "Depressed and suicidal" isn't accurate, but "less than thrilled with my sober life" certainly applies to my current status. I'm coping in unhealthy ways, with food and cigarettes and isolation, but firm in my resolve that alcohol will never, ever be an option for softening the edges, as it would simply consume me again, and it would be an ugly way out.

Thanks for mentioning this less joyful side of sobriety, I find it comforting to hear it described so succinctly, and makes me feel less like "I'm doing it wrong!" I learned that response some 30 years and countless support group meetings ago, and it's hard to shake...

I don't suffer from depression but I experience those same thoughts from time to time. My business deals with people and money which almost guarantees stress. Now, if I don't like my situation I can quit. I get that. But I want/need the money to support a wife and myself.

I will always have stressful days and/or weeks so what I try not to do is make the **situation worse. I try not to say the wrong thing because I am in a state of fear/anger.

It's clear I can't control people, places or things. However, I can do the homework/footwork to ensure I am somewhat prepared when problems develop.


**I mentioned above my mother passed away recently and when this happened my brother and sister along with their families came to town. I am not close to either sibling and all three of us were dealing with grief our own way. Nevertheless I found myself very upset with them and angry at my wife for not seeing things my way.

However, I knew I wasn't thinking clearly given my mother just died so I elected to disengage. Let my brother/ sister run the memorial service and handle the Will. Said nothing except to agree. I just wanted them to leave town after the service so I could be done with them.

And that's what happened. I didn't say the wrong thing to my siblings in the heat of the moment (but came close... ) and patched things up with my wife after yelling at her. (We went on a mini three-day vacation last week which I really needed.)

If you’ve stayed sober, and you’re staying honest, then in my book you’re doing it right.

That staying honest part isn’t easy and feels like recovery work in and of itself. It’s not fun to write a 2 year post that basically says “I am still sober and I’m not doing well.” Who wants to write that?? It’s negative for one thing, and for another one I think some of us with more sobriety get concerned about sending the wrong message to newcomers. I’d never want a newcomer to feel as though it wasn’t worth it, when even after writing all that: I still feel sobriety is worth it.

It helped a whole lot to write it, and the thoughtful responses help here also. I’m enormously grateful to sober recovery for being here when I need to put it all down.

Great share Sassy

This is an excellent post Sassy. Thank you. Sobriety is not skipping through the daisies. It does not even necessarily make life better. It does however make it more manageable and that means a lot.

Sass,

My father was bi-polar. I never sufferred a second from depression until I had my second child in my early 40s and then had major post partum depression, which stuck with me for years in waves.

Clinical depression and anxiety are by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, except maybe the drink but even then. I recall literally praying that it was cancer so I would know how to fight it. I stopped drinking effortlessly just in the hope that might help.

I slowly got better through therapy and antidepressants. I would not have survived without both. I have now been many years with no depression or anxiety and no longer take any medication but would in a heart beat if it comes back. It took me a while to find the right drug, but it was a life safer, literally (for me no medical advice intended).

I really think you should see someone. I still see my therapist who has become more of a guru for me, she is an amazing womon who has enriched by life in so many ways and I think one of reasons I am depression free is because I have her to talk with.

It is hard to explain to someone who has never sufferred from it, but as you know, cllinical depression is a disease with serious symptoms and needs to be treated as such. But unlike many mental diseases depression and anxiety can be treated and the symptoms erradicated.

I really hope that you will take finding a good therapist and exploring treatment options as a number one priority. Noone should spend a precious life suffering from depression.

I think I have unique insight into this becuase I lived a life depression free, but watched my father suffer, then became afflicted myself in my 40s, and seem to have beat it in my 50s. I do think it is beatable and treatable, but you need to find the right treatment plan.

For me, losing my father (like you did) would pose a major risk of a major depression episode. Not grief, clinical depression. My father was and is, although he has been gone for 20 years, the big love of my life. Losing him was like a losing a part of me.

I really hope you will fight this like you fight the drink. I think you have given up on treating it, but sorry to say, that is not right. You can fight this, but you need the tools. You need to find a good therapist and think about a treatment plan.

My therapist is not a psychiatrist so I would think broadly about who can help you. I find psychiatrists today have become medicine dispensers so I would look broadly until you find someone who fits you. I would explore pharma therpay as well -- whatever it takes. As you know, anti-depressants are considered to be non-addictive and do not make you high at all (again, no medical advice).

I really hate to see anyone else suffer like I did.