USAR69

Hi Everyone
Supporting someone with an alcohol addiction.

I am so new to this....each morning and throughout the day, I send a text of encouragement, to try and give the person strength to get through the day. We keep in touch regularly. I have shared professional support groups with them and have encouraged them to go. I have been an ear when the person has wanted to talk about the horrid things they have been through (it is no wonder this person drinks...they have really been through so much pain in their lives).

I have asked the person to tell me how I can help. They say...by me just being there for them and listening. Which I do.

They have children....I love and care about this person so much (we are not romantically involved). And I want them to be well and happy.

I live a fair few miles away from this person so I can't be there in person a lot of the time.

Is there anything else I can say or do to help? Xx

It is so hard to watch this have a hold of him. .

Dee74

Sounds like you're doing your best to be a supportive and helpful friend to me USAR.

Whenever I wonder about how much I should be doing for others it grounds me to remember it's my friends race, I'm part of the pit crew

welcome to SR

D

Sober369

It sounds like you're doing what this person asks, by listening and being 'there'. They're lucky to have you as a friend and support. I agree with Dee, too.

least

Welcome to the family. If you live a distance away, then texting and calling and emailing might be the best you can do. Just let him know that you care. Let him talk to you if he wants to talk. Reassure him he's not alone.

NYCDoglvr

There is nothing anyone can say or do to stop an alcoholic from drinking. For it to work the alcoholic has to be willing to go to any lengths to stay sober, get treatment and probably go into a rehab. Alanon is a terrific program for friends and families of alcoholics..

tomsteve

youve been there listening and he still drinks. how is that helpful?
to me its enabling him to continue the behavior.

theres millions of people that have been through horrid things and they never drank over it. it would be wise to stop cosigning that excuse.

what can you say?
look up where he can get help, then tell him where the help is.
its quite common for people to think theyre being supportive when in reality theyre enabling the alcoholic to continue the behavior.

daisy1

I think you being there and listening is all you can do. I too have a best friend who is slowly killing himself with alcohol and it really hurts and I feel totally powerless. I don't believe you are enabling this person by being a friend as long as you aren't advocating drinking at any time.

suki44883

If you were doing things for your friend that they are able to do for themselves, that would be enabling. If they spent their rent money on drink and you gave them money for rent, that would be enabling. I don't believe just being there and listening is enabling at all.

If they take advantage of you, or their needing to talk becomes constant or interferes with your life, or causes you pain or discomfort, then you might need to take a step back for your own good.

You sound like a good friend.

USAR69

Hello there.
Well...things have come along a bit in my understanding of alcoholism. I have consulted with a number of experts and...I'm sorry to say...but I know what you say here is not true...alcoholics do not need to be ready or feel ready themselves in order for them to experience successful treatment outcomes. They do not need to have the will.
Also...I have stopped my friend dead in his tracks when I have been able to be there for him when he was on his way to drink.
I appreciate the message but...please be careful what you say online (friends and family may take this on face value...as I did...until I spent weeks on this journey of discovery).

USAR69

This is also not true.

Isolation and environment are a huge trigger for drinking binges and alcohol abuse.

Please do not isolate your friends and family with alcohol problems. Please continue to talk to them. Please continue to listen to them. Don't abandon them or cut off talk/contact...it would be the very worst thing to do.

It is not enabling (I shared this message with a number of experts who were horrified). Please do not isolate your friends and family by cutting off contact with them. Please consider that treatments for alcoholism are often talking therapies.

Dee74

Hi
I'm sorry you feel the responses here are not true.

I understand being told there's nothing you yourself can do is not what you want to hear. We have no reason to lie to you about our experiences and what worked for us tho.

What is true is there will always be people - often proclaiming themselves experts - looking to get something for themselves out of your real and genuine desire to help your partner.

Sometimes it's money, sometimes its other things.

Be careful what you're being told and why. Be vigilant.

If the Alcoholism forum is not helping you why not try our Friends and Family forums?

D

Jack465

Umm yes, they absolutely do.

When I was still drinking, nothing anyone said or did made me want to stop. People told me several times that I might have a drinking problem and I didn't listen at all.

It wasn't until I wanted to get sober that things started to change.

Most people here will say the same thing.

biminiblue

Thing is...(and I'm an alcoholic in recovery) ...it's not your job. You can't save him. Yes, of course listen for short periods of time when he's sober. If you're doing all this by long distance, that's pretty difficult to discern. There's no need to co-sign his self-pitying and when someone is drinking that's what they are looking for: someone to listen to their self-imposed misery.

That's what AA, rehab and counseling are for. He needs the kind of help they can give him. I think you're in over your head.

If you get yourself involved it is going to be nothing but pain and suffering - for you. Your peace and your life matter.

I agree that until and unless he's sober, I wouldn't be listening to his issues. He won't even remember what he complained about and you will have spent hours listening to a drunk. Soon he will start blaming you for not being a good enough friend.

Here is the Friends and Family of Alcoholics part of this site, I hope you'll read through and find some comfort.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

sugarbear1

I would encourage them to seek others like them. Maybe an AA Meeting, SMART Meeting, Women/Men For Sobriety Meeting and to talk with others who also suffer from alcoholism.

Thank you for being there for your friend!

Gal220

It sounds like you are very supportive! I would also echo the cautions here about enabling and taking responsibility for someone else's sobriety. I have never met anyone who was able to get someone else sober. My sobriety was my own responsibility. No one could do it for me or convince me to get sober before I was willing. And as much as I wanted someone to be able to rescue me, it just doesn't work that way. No one could do it but me. That doesn't mean I could do it alone, though. I needed to hear the experience, strength, and hope of other alcoholics like me. So like others, I also recommend that you offer the suggestion of finding a support group for your friend, and maybe go to one yourself. It can't hurt!

johntrevy

Is your friend attending any meetings? Have you given them the location for this website? Has he seen a doctor? I know these may sound such silly and basic questions, but they are very important ones.

Gal220

I'm just curious as to what your research is turning up. If alcoholics don't need to be ready or have any will to change, what do you think is necessary for an alcoholic to be able to quit?

Jack465

I was wondering the same thing. The two things are almost mutually exclusive - quitting and not having the desire to quit.

I just can't see how it would be possible.

Dropsie

I am sorry you feel so strongly, but, as you know, we are just people who stopped drinking successfully and we know what worked for us and what did not.

That does not mean we know what will help your friend.

But I can say this -- I have spent 20 years listening to a friend of mine who is an every day all day wine drinker. I do not know if I have hurt her, but I have not healed her and I have hurt myself.

She is a mean drunk and I have stood by and taken it because I am all she has. But in hindsight I wonder if this was the right thing to do for her or for me.

There really is no one right answer and experts that think they know it have not gone through it (at least that is my experience). Just read aorund here and you will find as many answers as people -- tough love, talk therpy, AA, smart, and those of us who just quit and hung out here a lot -- and the list goes on.

I wish you and your friend success.