froscow

Unfotunately that's a saying I've lived by through much of my life...if I don't know about it, it can't hurt me. Here I am at almost 20 months dry..and I'm still struggling to come to terms with my past. I sent an online message apologizing to someone I hurt years back...after I sent it, I could feel my anxiety skyrocket and my mind racing. What if I've re-opened good wounds? What if this person doesn't react well to my apology? I am way too sensitive...always have been and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

This person is one out of many. There's lots of people from my past I've hurt or pissed off. I sometimes don't even know where to start when it comes to amends...or even IF I should because it might do more harm than good. I don't know how people will react.

fini

i have found it helpful to ask them if we can get together and that i want to make amends.
i had a laid-out process for that, from AA, and that was the way i went about it.

August252015

I've followed the AA path like fini. This is such a huge part of recovering and I know what you are going thru. I also noticed that you used the word "dry" - for me, learning how to deal with life means a lot more than not drinking.

One of the biggies is just what you are struggling with - what we did in the past and how others will react to it (now) or us trying to make amends (what AA calls it, which is different than an apology in a few ways). I had to realize that if I did my part owning up to things, I couldn't control what they did with that effort. AA also tells us that we do need to decide if reaching out would in fact cause more harm to others, and then we shouldn't do it.

I'd definitely suggest you look into what AA is. It's never too late to "add" something to any of our work to live a sober and recovering life that gives us peace. The first 164p of the Big Book lay out the program and steps we take to find this kind of life.

Glad you are sharing.

Dee74

Hi Froscow

I understand being uncomfortable and even scared about possibly hurtng someone again. Things like that used to make me almost physically sick.

I think the thing with apologies (or amends) is we have to make them without expectation of how they're going to be received.

To me, it's not really about receiving absolution, it's about saying I'm sorry and letting go of the past.

If you're not at that point yet where you can do all that, I think it's ok to sit on any more amends until you are?

D

froscow

The reason I used the term "dry" is because I still use cannabis. Not proud of it but I am trying to be as honest as possible in my life now. I consider myself sober in relation to my past..but other people might not...I should rephrase I've been sober from alcohol for almost 20 months now. Trying to tackle one addiction at a time... just quit cigs a month ago which is a huge plus.

I've been to lots of AA meetings in the past...not for a while though. I even had a sponsor back in 2017..or around then. I really really need to start going back. I was going daily in the first 2 months..it was the most honest and open I've ever been with people (I'm usually very secretive). Felt great. As life and work has gone on though I went less and less. A big weakness of mine is lack of commitment...although I'm slowly getting better.

There's just so many untied loose ends from my past which I feel I need to clear up. My brain is my worst enemy. One minute I'm thinking "relax. You can't control other people's reactions. It is what it is" then 5 mins later I'm having an anxiety attack about what their reaction will be. I suffer pretty bad OCD. All I want is peace and harmony with the people in my life.. and the ones who used to be in my life. I hate conflict...even if it's inevitable. So ironic to say as my drinking days were nothing but conflict and drama.

I'm just sick of burying my head in the sand about things though.

Stayingsassy

Try not giving a rats ass what people think of you.

It’s very freeing.

I’m completely honest. I still have a long marriage, good relationships with all my family and friends. If we are being honest, we aren’t being hurtful, because honesty is never about pointing something out about someone else: it is about accountability for the self.

You’re giving an apology. It’s an open hearted, honest and kind thing to do. How they receive is irrelevant, you give it for your own healing, period.

What other people think of us is none of our business. Release it.

froscow

Thanks sassy.
You're right. Honesty = best policy. However people react to it is completely out of my control...so no use thretting about it

Ken33xx

How amends are made can be subjective. If you have concerns after speaking with your sponsor seek additional advise. Perhaps a therapist.

A good start is by making living amends. Nobody is interested in apologizes if the behavior doesn't change

Ken33xx

When I smoked pot it made me unfocused and at times paranoid. The pot might well be contributing to your uncertainty regarding amends

Anna

I think that it's good being cautious, as you are, when making amends. It's important to be sure that you are not making amends in order to make yourself feel better. I think an amends is something you put out there with no expectations and then let it go. You have no control over what the other person will think, However, if you think an amends will do more harm than good, it could be time to wait and re-think.

Ken33xx

There was a married fellow in AA who some ten years ago (while sober) had an affair with a woman. However, he neglected to tell her he was married. She found out and ended the relationship. This fellow and his family left the area a short while later.

Fast-forward ten years the guy is now divorced and shows up in town. He's still sober but he'd been drinking cough medicine and decided to reset his sobriety date. His current sponsor told him he needed to make amends to his old flame.

So, he knocks on the woman's door and her mother answers. After a few words the mother shuts the door in his face. He then writes a letter apologizing for his dirty deed. He also explains he's divorced and moving back because of a new job.

He goes back and slips the letter under the front door but gets no response. He writes the letter again but this time goes to a nearby park and burns it.

I heard all this when he was giving his story at a speaker meeting.

He was showered with praise after the meeting for his honesty. But I'm thinking... come on.... the man was trying to reconnect with the woman. He had no business showing up at her door like that. Was this his idea or his sponsor? That's the question I wanted to ask but I doubt I would have gotten a straight answer.

froscow

That's pretty persistent! Someone I apologised to months ago didn't reply either...and I left it at that. No use in pushing.

AAPJ

I think this is more than a start. It is the primary answer.