Wholesome

I'm finally starting to feel more stable after feeling like a total emotional mess since Feb. It was like once the dam broke, an unbelievable flood of pain was released, and instead of holding it back or covering it up, like I used to, I stepped into it and let it happen, let it all out and purged. Instead of running, I turned around and embraced it, owned all of it, no matter how ashamed I felt or how bad it hurt. I faced it all, all the childhood trauma, the neglect and rejection, my ruined marriage, my self abuse and degradation, how I let my own children down.

Now that it's passed, I'm so much lighter! I can feel my Chi, or life force, or kundalini, or whatever you want to call it, flowing through my body. All my chakras feel aligned and cleared out. I've never felt this unblocked. It feels so good to have let all that go.

I did it! I passed the test and was able to forgive and heal. I feel like a new and improved me!

I'm going back to my soul sucking job too.... even though I said I wasn't awhile back. My transfer came through and I'm off nights. It will be good to get back to work and reenter society after a three month hiatus. It was like everything was spinning out of control and I just stepped off the merry-go-round and locked myself away. This emotional recovery stuff isn't for the feint of heart, it takes guts. I understand how people get to the place I was at, and end up going back to drinking, rather than feel that way. I don't agree with it, but I understand.

So that's my little update.

Hope anyone reading this has the guts to quit for good too. Hard as it's been at times, I have never, not one time, regretted quitting. It is the absolute best decision I ever made and I am never going to back it. No matter what happens. The world could fall apart and I could lose everything, and I still wouldn't drink over it.

CRRHCC

Congratulations! Your, "embracing," your feelings is at the core of mindfulness.

Reasons for drinking are driven by emotional factors, usually feelings of helplessness (about whatever in life makes a person feel overwhelmingly trapped).

All addictions are caused/driven by one underlying emotion: intolerable, overwhelming, helplessness (When one feels helpless, they feel trapped, powerless and out of control). Alcoholics, have learned to regain control of their emotions with a quick fix or mood changer of alcohol. Non alcoholics empower themselves and regain control of their emotions by facing them directly or replacing them with some other high value behavior.

Wholesome

What you said makes a lot of sense to me CRRHCC. It explains why alcoholics feel so out of control, when in reality, they are in complete control and the only one's capable of stopping the spiral.

Wholesome

Another thing that I understand now, but that never made sense to me before, the term "Grateful alcoholic". I used to shake my head and think, WTH are these people talking about? I never felt like anything but a loser for drinking the way I did. How can anyone feel grateful after living like such a degenerate?

Now I understand that the gift is in the opportunity to regenerate. The grace is in the repentance and in the forgiveness and redemption.

Callas

Well done on such a great journey to recovery and re-discovering yourself.

CRRHCC

That's exactly right, we are in control. We can choose displaced behaviors or quick fixes or mood changers of booze and drugs to regain control of our feelings, or we can regain control with more healthy behaviors that empower us to regain control. Addictions always serve an emotional purpose and that purpose is to regain control over our emotions, feeling helpless, trapped, powerless and out of control with respect to important circumstances in life that are important to us.

I took me nearly 5 decades to learn this simple premise. I'm grateful that I was an addict. Without being an addict, I'm quite sure I never would have bothered to really analyze and discover myself.

Storms are the price of admission to a meaningful lie.

"No man is free until they master themselves." Epictetus

Fusion

Wholesome, I’m thrilled to read your update, although I’d call it ‘enormous’ not ‘little’.

CRRHCC, how did you regain control?

CRRHCC

CRRHCC, how did you regain control?[/QUOTE]

The short answer is I regained control by giving God control. When I delegated control to God He returned that control to me with the fruits of the Holy Spirit, one of which is self control. I like to think of this as, "Intelligent Delegation and Reciprocal Innervation." Much of it is based on behavioral neuroscience and scripture. Neurons that fire together, wire together. When you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, you have values and purpose. Where attention goes, neurofiring flows and neuroconnection grows. Grow close to God and God will grow close to you.

When your values trump your addiction, there is no addiction.

Wholesome

I didn't believe in God when I quit, or maybe I did, but I never really put much thought into it. I certainly didn't believe that God cared whether or not I drank or would bother with me in any way, let alone help me.

I had an awakening this year though, due to trauma. It triggered a kundalini activation that rocked my world. It has been the most amazing experience of my life and the absolute hugest blessing and miracle. I can say that now, but at first I didn't know what was happening to me. I didn't even know what kundalini was. I was totally secular before Jan/Feb of this year, and now I don't just have faith because I know it's real. I can feel the Holy Spirit or kundalini as they call it in the East, in my body, purifying and healing me.

And I don't care if people don't believe me or think I'm crazy. I know it's real and I am forever changed. In fact I always want to tell everyone because I want them to experience it too. I feel sorry now for people who don't believe and who feel alone and disconnected, the way I used to.

Stayingsassy

I believe you. I think it’s wonderful. I haven’t felt that spiritual release, and I still don’t get what faith really means. I used to beg for it, as a child and through my life, but I never felt it. I do understand love. So I go with that: because it’s as close as I can get to a spiritual understanding.

I’m happy for you.

Wholesome

Thanks Sassy. I've gotten really into astrology since all this started, mainly as a way to find an explanation. I'm a Leo with my sun in the 8th house, the house of Scorpio, and my moon is in Taurus, with my ascendant Sagittarius. A cardinal trine with a double dose of fire. And the night it started there was a full blood moon eclipse in Aquarius in the house of Leo. That night I had a miscarriage. And the summer before on the day of my 40th birthday there was another full blood moon eclipse. It's nuts. My numerology is interesting too, and I have birth marks.

I fainted when my crown chakra opened back in Apr, it was so intense. Ever since I've been able to literally feel the kundalini moving around in my head, mostly around my right eye and my third eye, the energy is very real and very female.

I spontaneously quit all nicotine and meat early in the process, just walked away from them. Meat was easy, I already hardly ate any, but I'd been struggling with nicotine my whole life and it was effortless.

I saw my oldest friend last week and she wanted to know where I found the fountain of youth because I look so different.

And all I want to do is learn about spirituality and keep trying to figure it all out. I'm obsessed with understanding the Light and the Truth.

We are entering the new age, and we are leaving the Iron age and going into Bronze, and the Toltec's say we are also leaving the 5th sun and entering the 6th. It's a crazy time to be alive.

Cosima11

Hey girl, I’m a Capricorn sun in 7th, Cancer rising, Sag moon in 5th. Aqua Venus in 8th.. Sobriety has coincided with my Pluto conjunct Sun transit. The power themes are palpable, as well as themes of “facing the shadow”.

But I actually had my “awakening” while I was still drinking. Neptune square moon transit, lots of bizarre sh** was happening. It’s not what got me sober, and I felt very disconnected spiritually when I first quit. But it’s been slowly coming back. And I don’t feel so erratic or obsessive about it like I used to.

Cool to find someone else here who’s interested in it. I’d be happy to chat with you about astrology or related subjects anytime

Wholesome

Hey Cosima, good to meet a fellow seeker as well. I hear you about the Pluto! It's been squaring with my Saturn since Jan, and just as it's easing up, my sun is getting ready to square Uranus. But Pluto has done it's work and uprooted all my old drama and pain, I've cleared it out and I'm ready for Uranus. I've also got Neptune squaring Venus. Talk about a midlife crisis! Haha

I've got my sun and Jupiter in the 8th house, and then Mercury, Venus, Mars, and Saturn in the 9th and in Virgo. And Neptune is in my first house, which makes me very sensitive to intoxicants and addiction. This is def not my first incarnation and not my first time making contact with my higher self.

I'm starting to settle down in the last few weeks, but there was awhile where I didn't feel right in the head. It's been intense.

Capricorn are supposed to be old souls ruled by the tester and ruler of karma, Saturn. I wish I knew more about Saturn when I was 30 and it came through my life and devastated me. Man that was rough!

Cosima11

Yeah, and my natal Sun is conjunct Saturn so it's extra fun. Old souls, late bloomers, but supposedly even if we have a rough/slow start in life things get better as we age. So, fingers crossed..

That's a lot of Virgo you have! Neptune square venus is probably the worst of those transits, I'll be having it square my mercury in Sag at some point too. Uranus square sun transit can actually be a pretty enjoyable time if you're open to the changes.

Could go on forever but just sending you a PM