I'm still not ready...
 

Hello everyone!

I'm at 13 months sober today....all is good and I feel fantastic :) The one thing I'm struggling with is being ready to go to a dinner party when I know wine will be served. It's not that I think I will drink, it's that I don't feel like being around it....at all. Wine was my drink of choice during the last 10 years of my destructive drinking.....

I have an event I have agreed to go to tomorrow night, wine will be served. Yes, I have an out, an escape plan. My question is;

Should I be "ready" to socialize with drinkers??

Thanks!

Can’t help you I’m afraid. I am 7 months sober and also do not feel like going to parties. If I do go I mostly wish I was somewhere else. I have had maybe 2 evening parties where I felt fine and enjoyed it.

wildflower, it does not seem like the most useful and helpful question to me. there really is no place, imo, for "should be ready" to be around people drinking.
a better question for me was/is "what will i do to protect myself and my sobriety if event a , b, c feels iffy to me?"
and questions such as "why would i go and be with people when i know i will not enjoy the setting and company".
the answers to that last one, which centered for me around wanting to fit in, not be seen as " difficult", ultimately all came down to worrying what others thought of me . might be different for you, of course.

oops...let me just add that the whole concept of "should be at this point by now" is something i struggled with a bit in early sobriety. i had expectations of where to be at what point, and don't know, really, where those came from.
it's served me better to just accept where i'm at. i can work with myself from there:)

I was really conservative for a long time, and if I doubted whether I was ready even the slightest bit I didn't go to whatever the occasion or event.

Having a plan if you decide to go is indeed crucial - and later, I used things like make one round of the reception and head out kind of stuff- but I have never regretted not going to something in the first place.

I think the fact that you have an escape plan is good so if you do start to feel unsafe then just walk away. But in my mindset, if you have to even ask the question of "am I ready?" I would probably say that the answer is no.

When I was a drinker, I had many non-drinkers that I socialized with. So I know it can be done. I can't do it though.

Maybe can't is too strong a word. I just don't want to. Being around drinkers just isn't fun for me. I mean those that have had enough to become altered. Once they are altered, they bug me. They seem irrational, overly confident, overly emotional, obnoxious, etc.

I started drinking in college so I'm not sure if I would have felt like this if I never had become a problem drinker myself or not. I do know that I don't want to be around drinkers. I don't hate it. I just prefer not to be.

Since most people in the USA do drink, this attitude does impact my social life significantly. However, I'd rather be alone and sober than drunk with a fabulous social life.

At least my dogs don't drink and they think I'm fabulous! Can't get enough of me! :abcq:

Let me also say that these aren't heavy drinkers, maybe a glass of wine, or two, at the most. I'm not afraid to say no, nor do I care what others think about the fact that I'm not drinking. Maybe I should have asked;

When did you start to attend functions where alcohol was served?

You will be ready when you are ready; it's different for everyone.

Alcohol is served in pretty much all restaurants these days. It's good that these folks aren't heavy drinkers, but if you still feel uncomfortable about it, don't go or leave early.

I go to parties and have been tempted but never relapsed.

Once at 1 year, once at 2 years. I almost decided to social drink, whatever that is, but sr talked me out of it.

Glad for that.

I don't miss drinking. Yay! I am drunk and am going to act silly and have a hang over. I might even make a scene. Yay!

Not for me anymore.

Thanks.

I often say I knew I was ready when I knew nothing or noone could sway me anymore....

I preferred my sober self and my sober life, and the idea of putting all that at risk by drinking alcohol became more and more laughable as time went on.

I think, if you're worried - and it's normal to be the first time - have some contingency plans - what to do if someone asks you what you want to drink, what you might say if people ask why you're not drinking...and a plan if the AV does raise its pointed little head.

I still have an escape plan - tho these days it's deployed to get me out of there and back home to bed :)

If you don;t feel ready thats fine - noone can set your timetable or fault your programme for that.

If you do go, I hope you have a good time wildflower - you have nothing to fear :)

D

For the kind of thing you are talking about, wildflower, I went to a small (6 person) dinner party hosted by a close friend at 7 mo. She went out of her way to get all kinds of sparkling water, etc - turns out I learned a HUGE lesson that night when I accidentally ate the app that was (delicious!) squid and turns out it was boiled in wine! I freaked out, called my sponsor, cried, and left. That's when I realized my boundary included no food with alcohol.

Related note:
I work in the restaurant business so at 5 1/2 mo sober I went back to serving. I had practices in place like leaving right after a shift not sticking around to "hang out" bc it was a huge drinking culture. I also did stuff like talk to my psych about going back on Antabuse. My work life continues to be in the restaurant industry, and that hasn't bothered me - my personal and social choices were exceedingly cautious, especially after the food surprise.

I went to my first party at 14 mo and with my sober now-husband. We left after enjoying the buffet and around the time people were getting well into their drinks. First wedding 19 mo. Everyone in my family was thrilled I was sober so fam functions were about going if I was emotionally sober to go not worrying about physical.

Like I said and others chimed in, not going is always the safest and indeed, putting "should" on ourselves is something I had to stop!! Only recently (at 3yr 7+ mo sober) have I lessened my habit of always having multiple water or sparkling water or such bevs on hand at all times. Still have at least one tho and I will always believe in a polite exit of any situation if the need pops up for me. I don't have to use it often these days but who knows when that sneaky voice might pop up ;)

The other thing I have learned is that people who like and love us still don't "care" as much about us being at any one event as we worry about. Especially if the reason is for our sobriety, in my case, I had to put me first.

Whatever you do, knowing that you always have the choice not to drink, and to stay or leave, can be the key to both staying sober and having a good time.

I had a lot of socializing sort of built into my life, I socialized early on.

But I’d made the decision not to drink, so it wasn’t a consideration at these parties. Taking the choice element out meant I didn’t have to agonize about that, but learning to socialize without alcohol (and not just sit in the corner awkwardly) took some time, probably the better part of a year.

Even though I didn’t drink, it was good for me to get out and see people still, although I’ll admit I really enjoy the activity based social outings, the eating and drinking based ones, not so much, I do them still, but they aren’t my favorite.

It all goes back to your decision to stay quit.

I remember feeling happy I could go somewhere and know I wouldn’t make an ass out of myself. Before quitting I never knew what I’d say or do.

Thanks everyone for the input. I think part of the problem is that I don't feel very social. I don't get excited to attend dinner with friends or go to the movies, or anyplace for that matter. I thought that I would be feeling a little more social by now. I have learned how to not drink, but I haven't learned how to have fun with others...without drinking. My sobriety has been a solo journey, only my immediate family know about my struggle with alcohol and my determination to quit...for good. I have become such a loner, and I don't know how to get out of my shell.:herewego

I worked up from small things, good friends, small groups.

If you don't think you're ready yet for a dinner party, you're not - I can't see any shame in safeguarding your recovery :)

D

why not?they arent the enemy.


When did you start to attend functions where alcohol was served?

think i was about 2 years sober. i had a couple things set before going:
-right motive for attending
-i was in fit spiritual condition
- i had an escape route

are ya in a shell or are you an introvert?

I guess this is the core question. I am way behind you, so I should not be advising someone who has more sober muscle than me by far. However, I have never stopped attending anything because of alcohol. My house is full of alcohol too. But, I used to drink alone, not socially. A good or bad social time has never been linked to alcohol for me. Alcohol could make it more bearable at times. I have learnt to say no to those.

I am more an introvert than an extrovert, but I attend many social events and I travel as part of my work. Many people, who are drinkers, stay at my house quite often including family. I enjoy their company. I like them very much. What liquid they are drinking has never been a factor in our relationship. Most people around me don't drink or drink very little. Most of the time now, nobody opens a bottle of wine, because is no point 'wasting' it for a single glass (I would have opened it myself in the past and made sure it 'disappeared' afterwards).

If you don't feel like going to that dinner, don't go. Have you been doing other socialising not involving alcohol? I would never think 'alcohol' and 'cinema' go together. Is the wine the excuse you are using not to face this event or would you be happy to go otherwise?

I would not go anywhere if I felt my sobriety was better protected at home. As I said, I hid my drinking and going to social events was something I learnt to hate because I could not drink. To me, it is more dangerous to stay at home. As others have written, this is very personal. I would worry if I was avoiding all social interactions, because I would feel I was setting myself to relapse in the future.

If you feel you are never ready to socialise without drinking and you are at some point 'forced' to socialise, would you use it as an excuse? Until I had that question resolved, I would postpone any 'tempting' event.

This resonates with me a lot - learning what I actually DO enjoy and that it's ok to pursue just that has been a big lesson for me. I'm naturally a quite agile socialite but it also drains me. I don't do the "big stuff" these days (that one wedding has been my only!) and I'm absolutely fine with that. I get my best stuff from dinner out with my husband at one of the restaurants in my company, where we know everyone and visit so gladly! We don't do that often tho, maybe once a month ish. I prefer one on one or two kinds of dinners etc.

I can have a danger of isolating - I work from home and my work is for an industry recovery group that is growing across the country by leaps and bounds. My external stimuli is usually from meetings- bigger AA ones especially - and truthfully, errands at places people know me whether the grocery or the boutique where I do my IRL shopping! And that's ok as long as I stay engaged with others, particularly in my head which is the biggest danger.

You've got a great path in sobriety, tho for me I considered myself a newcomer til around the 2 yr mark. It took more time than I expected to adjust to comfort being out and about, perhaps because I was so cautious. I'm fine with others who drink- but I don't spend time with people who abuse it.

Let us know what you do!

are ya in a shell or are you an introvert?


Sobriety has certainly turned me into one, at least in the evenings and weekends. At work, I'm still the social butterfly :)

This is also a work related dinner, only half of us are going. I just got an email that what's his face is bringing the VINO...

I'm out. Excuse or no excuse, I don't feel up to it. Not today. And that should be OK. I'm too tired to deal with what's his face and the Vino.

Thanks guys:thanks