Elliemae219

Is it possible to get into and stay in recovery without any help or support from sober friends/aa groups?
AS - in and out of treatment a few times so knows what needs to do but still struggles. Never goes to meetings or calls sponsor. Has a great sober community around the area but doesn't participate- would rather be with girlfriend even though it was recommended not to be in a relationship until a year into recovery.
Gets down about the mounds of debt and relationship issues then turns to booze which just adds to the debt and brings him down even more. binge usually results in missing a few days of work and physical pain as well- stumbling & hitting head off concrete a few times

Dee74

I think it is possible elliemae - I 'only' used SR - but it takes a great deal of personal motivation a willingness to change and personal responsibility.

Unfortunately those are not qualities we can gift to someone else.
They're either ready to change, or not.

D

tomsteve

it is possible. however, it reads like ya might be tryin to hope something possible that might not be possible- it reads like it aint workin.
i encourage you to visit the friends and family forum here if ya havent yet- there will be more experience from people who have been in your shoes there.

Elliemae219

have posted in that forum as well as the other one that says children and got 2 replies.

sugarbear1

He's still drinking, so for him, no, he doesn't seem to want sobriety more than he wants to drink.

He needs to want to stay stopped more than he wants to drink.

tomsteve

i see yer threads but dont read the same question asked here
Is it possible to get into and stay in recovery without any help or support from sober friends/aa groups?
i could bemissing it,though.

Elliemae219

I meant I posted 2 other times in the "family" forums and got only 2 replies to each. I didn't ask the same question because I want to ask those in recovery the question not the family of the alcoholic.

Dee74

Tom Steves suggestion was wise, well meant and offered in a spirit of helpfulness, but it is just that - a suggestion..

There's no requirement for you to post anywhere you don;t want to, Elliemae.

D

totfit

From my experience what a person does to be sober, when they get sober, etc. is almost an intangible and dependent on the individual. The biggest factor is being ready to stop. There are all kinds of programs, AA being the most visible, but also self-created programs or changes that result in sobriety. Then there are the folks that are just done. I have seen folks that were constantly in AA, working with a sponsor, doing all the "stuff" and kept lapsing (me included). I have seen others fight everything tooth and nail and would not "conform" that got sober and stayed that way. For me, things finally just seemed to fall into place. I stopped struggling and working so hard to stay sober and just came to the realization that it was nonsense and began embracing other things in life instead. There was no "event" as there have been many. Just a process. Wish you the best.

Obladi

Hi Ellie,

I'm an alcoholic with an alcoholic daughter. I believe it's possible for a person to get and stay sober without support, but I don't know how many people succeed at that vs following some sort of program and/or joining a support network. Certainly we know there are plenty of people who spontaneously decide that they need to stop drinking and they simply do just that.

I can only speak for myself in saying that support is critical to me. The wonderful people on this site have been tremendously helpful. And while I'm not an avid fan of any particular recovery program, I've found much to learn from a number of them. The others are 100% correct, though. There is nothing any of us can do to help another person get sober until they are ready.

My grown daughter lives away from home, but I was supporting her financially until recently. When I told her that was going to be done, she asked if she could move in with me. It was hard to say no, but I realized that it would be no good for me if she were to move in and continue drinking. She promised that wouldn't happen, but as I share this problem with her, I know that promises aren't worth much from an addict. Not until they have a good amount of sober time, anyway.

I know it's really hard to stand aside and let the crap fall where it may, but it's the only thing you can do at this point. That and take good care of yourself!

O

Stayingsassy

Hi Ellie.

I’ve been sober two years just because I wanted to be. I heavily used this site to get and stay sober. No face to face support at all.

I don’t think my sobriety is quite as strong as others here who have utilized more support. I know that sounds strange because I haven’t picked up a drink since my quit date in my signature.

But this is about the desire to stay quit and the thinking, as much as it’s about the actual act of drinking.

We have to keep our thinking on track. That means we really need to want sobriety. If those two things are present, a person has a good chance of staying sober.

But honestly Ellie, there is no magic bullet. There is no guarantee. I hope I can remain sober as much as I hope your son does. That’s the best I can do. Peace to you and your family.

waynetheking

Try every method you can use for recovery. The disease will try every method to kill the host.

NYCDoglvr

What it takes to get and stay sober is willingness to do whatever it takes to stay sober. It doesn't sound like has the willingness and there's nothing you can do or say to change that. Alanon can be a lifesaver and I recommend it.

nez

It is possible to save yourself if you are drowning, but it is much easier with the help of a life guard.

Elliemae219

Well, the scarehAShad didn't last long, back to drinking again and missed work.
Birthday is coming up and I don't even want to send a gift. We helped him financially this last time because he really sounded like he "got it" and knew he luck was running out and was going to stop. The close call AS had could have resulted in him being paralyzed or losing his sight and he said that numerous times. The scare lasted 2 weeks and now back to booze.
I know we need to cut all ties. I know it. It is so hard but I am sick of living this life.
AS refuses to go to AA meetings, meet his sponsor or get counseling. "I have no money for uber to get to the meetings or pay for anything." Oh, but there is money to buy booze?
I know I should not have helped in anyway this last time. Stupid me seen how physically hurt he was and helped thinking this time he got it. I honestly feel he won't get it until he is dead.
So young, so smart and yet so powerless. Why would he not want to work on making his life better? Why does he always go back to booze when he sees how it has destroyed his credit, his debt, his relationship?

nez

Hard to explain, even though I did exactly the same thing over and over again. For me, it was because I had the "this time it will be different" mentality. Two plus two in base ten math is always going to be four, but for some reason I kept thinking that this time it would be three, it would five, anything but four.

Insane, but that is what alcohol does to me. It traps me into it's web with a pattern of illogical thinking that defies logic but then I wind up ensnared. When that happens my struggles only intensify my entrapment.

Only when I finally became exhausted enough in my struggles, could I see the logic that two plus two was always going to be four. I was powerless! That is when the power of recovery began for me.

I stopped fighting and accepted life.

Gal220

Is it possible to quit drinking without a program or community of support? Of course. I couldn't have, though. I needed the accountability. But even with that, the program that helped me teaches that no one can keep me sober. There will come a time when there is no external support, and my sobriety at that point is between me and my higher power.

Ultimately, my sobriety is no one else's responsibility, just as my drinking is no one else's fault. I can only stay sober if I want sobriety more than anything else. Until that point, I couldn't stay sober. I drank because I hated everything about who I was, and I couldn't stand to live with that. When I drank, I could push that aside and forget about it for a while.

I'm sorry you are going through this, and I echo the suggestion above to try Alanon. Unfortunately, no matter how much we love someone, we can't make them be sober.

Gottalife

What is possible depends on the exact nature of the problem. Does he have the power of choice or not? If he does, he can quit anytime he wants to, and can stay quit, if he wants to.

If he has lost the power of choice, as I have, it is not so straight forward. I was absolutely unable to leave it alone no matter how great the desire or the wish. This put me at the extreme end of the alcohol use disorder spectrum, and options for recovery from this position are more limited to say the least. My medical record shows me at one time as a hopeless alcoholic, they had no solution for me.

To get sober, AA was a huge help both with direction on what to do and help and guidance to do it. I followed that and recovered. Now, the way you phrased your question was is the support AA group or sober friends essential to stay recovered. I would say emphatically not.

Notwithstanding many leave AA after a few years and stay sober, if one has worked the program properly to the point where a working relationship with a higher power is established then it is possible to become completely independent of people or even AA. That is to say continued sobriety does not depend on attendance at a set number of meetings, or anything else of human origin.

That is the goal of AA, to put the alcoholic in contact with a power greater than himself that will solve his problem. Thenceforth he can go anywhere and do anything that free men can do. Alcohol and or the fear of it, no longer has any say in how he can live his life. Pretty miraculous, but that has been my experience.

Stayingsassy

I was telling my mother yesterday who was saying she thought I was “strong” for handling my dad’s heavier alcoholic periods better than my brother, I said; I’m not stronger than him, I just understand dad better.

As an alcoholic I know exactly what it’s like to believe: truly believe, that I will only drink one or two, then once I have the one or two I wake up on the floor six hours later, bottles around me, terribly drunk and dumbfounded.....what happened? I set my mind on only two drinks.

Getting to the point where you KNOW: truly know, that you can’t drink one or two drinks can be a lifelong battle: those two drinks cause a “click” in the brain like a locomotive barreling down a hill, and you’re suddenly drinking everything in sight, even though the rational part of you scolds this craziness inside you that can’t stop drinking and tells you “just stop it already! Stop drinking so much! But you simply can’t.

You have to stop completely, giving up the notion you can have just one drink...and you’re addicted, and everyone around you waves alcohol in your face, and everywhere you go there is drinking, and it’s VERY VERY HARD, especially for the lifestyle of a young person, to be that one person who does not drink.

This is a challenge of a lifetime, and that is why he is finding it so difficult. He is not irresponsible for buying alcohol instead of Uber rides to meetings, he has a fierce addiction to alcohol that drives him to make that choice. He knows, in his heart of hearts, what choice he should make. But his addiction is in control.