JPA

BlownOne

It's the same as when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing, that's when we change.
So are you ready to change? Active alcoholism and addiction causes shame, stress and fear. It's hard to be happy when one is living with an albatross like that wrapped around the neck. Change IS possible. Alcoholism will lie to us every chance it gets. You're not good enough. You can't do it. The world would be better off without you. These are ALL LIES that that the disease tells us. You can take steps to change. To recover. To have your life and your happiness back. Many many of us have. You can, too.

Dropsie

I am so sorry you are in so much pain.

It sounds like you feel like drinking is making you want to die and yet is more important than everything else you have, which is a lot.

You know that cannot be true.

I have been so depressed that I was ill could not get out of bed and truly wanted to die. I did not drink at the time, that was not the issue. It was an overwhelming feeling of dread that I cannnot explain. Indeed I wanted to have cancer more than I wanted to deal with the depression.

But I cannot because I have children. For me, that option left when they were born, no matter how ill I was.

You can do this. Take a decision. Choose life, you will read this in a year and be amazed it was you.

With love.

Ghostlight1

You're much too valuable to die. The world is a better place with you in it.
You may not realize that now, but once we put down the drink a whole new life opens up.
I know how you feel. I suffer from severe depression, but once I had some sober time and got on medication, my life totally changed.
I was suicidal many times in those dark years. I didn't have anyone to live for. I seemingly had no reason to live at all.

But I chose life. I'm so glad I did. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
You've got a lot to live for. Things people would envy.
Put down the drink and live.

Dee74

when I was drinking I'd often think of me dying, and my funeral and self indulgent stuff like that.

I would have said then I was fatalistic, even nonchalant, about it.
Don't care, pass me another beer....

But, in that moment lying on my bathroom floor not able to get up when I was sure I really was dying I fought like a wildcat to live.

The reality was quite different to the imagining.

Your story doesn't have to end with you dying. You don't have to drink with your dying breath...

but you need to cut through all the white noise I don't care BS (and it is BS) and commit to another course of action, JPA.

D

Anna

I truly believe that your feelings will change when you stop drinking. It's so hard to be in the place that you're in right now, feeling like there is no way out. But, there is a way out and you will see that many of us here have found it.

fini

JPA, i can see why that worries you. it is not the quote that is worrisome, but your realization of the scary place you are in.
you googled to see....what effect your potential suicide might have. on your children. okay. whoa.
i hope you will do everything possible to spare them having to live with that effect.
it is in your power to spare them that. there is help for quitting, there are actions you can take. ask for concrete help: to be taken to detox, or ER, or phone AA and ask for someone to come. phone the telephone crisis line and be honest about where you’re at. they know all the resources in your area and are good, non-judgmental listeners.
i’m glad you’re here, talking with us.

Zevin

I get the feeling this isn't about drinking.
Can you make an appointment to talk to your Dr.? Serious depression can be treated successfully!
You won't always feel like this. It WILL GET BETTER. PLEASE HANG ON.
Suicide will ALWAYS and FOREVER affect your kid's lives. FOREVER.
THEY WILL NEVER, EVER BE THE SAME.
The fact that you are concerned about them shows how much you love them.
I know your life must seem so dark right now but you HAVE TO STAY HERE.

Grungehead

I've told this story many times on this board, but towards the end of my drinking I debated ending things every morning when I got up. It seemed like a viable alternative to going through another day of drinking. There's a passage in the Big Book that even talks about this phenomenon.


If you can relate to this quote, know that many of us have felt just like you do right now and are sober and happy today. Remember that alcohol is a depressant, and it's a self feeding loop where the alcohol depresses us and then we drink to relieve that feeling, only to have it continually get worse. Break the cycle and you will find freedom on the other end.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. That's what I did one day after my morning ritual of going outside for a cigarette and contemplating whether or not I could go through another day. I sat in front of my computer for a few minutes after cracking open my first beer of the day...then started googling treatment centers in my area. I called my GP and made an appointment to see him the next day. He referred me to an outpatient treatment center and helped me with detox. Just one day...out of the blue...I reached out for help.

Callas

You sound severely depressed. Have you tried medical assistance. Start with your GP, then psychiatrist, psychologist whatever. A big intervention is needed. At least give all of this a chance.

zjw

I've been where your at. and honestly i still dabble with that kinda thinking every now and then. I guess what helps me is playing with my kids and such and I realize I couldnt do that to them. I've also witness first hand what that does to families and kids. Other htings that might help is to spend some time talking to single mothers or even single fathers and talk about there problems as a single parent. I wouldnt wish single parenthood on anyone its hard ASF.

I met a women yest who told me her husband went to the store one day and never came back having left her with 2 little kids to raise alone. She didnt say much more but that was enough for me. I needed to hear this tho.

I'm in a really difficult situation myself and sometimes am like ugh maybe i should just leave i'm so worthless to this family since i dont make enough money and... But then i think ya know we cant be good at everythign we are gonna have some flaws. I can still be a good father and husband despite my income issues.

You can still be a good father and husband despite your battle with alcohol but you do have to quit drinking it will help you to clear your head.

ColoradoRocky

Yes, you are in the self-hate, self-recrimination, self-loathing stage of the alcohol cycle. You are a horrible person.

Next comes genuine and heartfelt resolutions to stop drinking...

then comes a period of not drinking...

then comes the battle, the thought that you can have maybe one drink, even though you know you can't, and the bottle wins the battle every time; it feels like you HAVE to drink...

then you're drinking and back to the self-hate and thoughts of suicide all over again.

There's only one way out of this death struggle. You have to stop drinking forever. The only way I know of to stop drinking is to go find some people who know how to stay away from a drink and ask for help. Start there. Take it from there.

Unfortunately, there are indeed men and women who would rather die than ask for help. I've seen it happen.

Don't be one of them.




p.s. for the record, I still hate some things about myself, but it isn't anything like when I was drinking.

Dee74

hows it going JPA?

D

waynetheking

That's what alcoholism is. Smoke and mirrors .

JPA

Dee74

Maybe it's time to walk away from the wreckage JPA ?

try something like AA or some other meeting based group, find a savvy Dr or counsellor, even consider inpatient or outpatient rehab?

You don't have to keep digging the hole.

D

abgator

Yep. I've told my therapist that. I'm not suicidal, I don't want to die. But I haven't cared if I lived or died in a long time. The only reason I've chosen to get sober is because of my daughter. I should say it's for me, but that'd be a lie.