Ceedaily

I am/was a chronic relapser. I would feel guilt and shame after nearly after every slip and relapse, but it would dissipate after a week or so. My last relapse ended with a hospital stay to treat a bleeding ulcer, gastritis, and electrolyte imbalance. The relapse before that was fueled by guilt and shame too. In times past I felt great by 62 days and if I relapsed it was because I talked myself into it by saying I’d be more moderate and manageable with drinking this time and “sensibly” self medicate anxiety, stress, etc. But this day 62, and day 1 to 61, I feel the cumulative weight of all the bad and irresponsible decisions I made and am devastated by the person I was in active alcoholism. I have a few relaxed hours here and there, but a lot of the rest are focused on the past, how I hurt myself, and especially how I hurt others. The two people I would really love to apologize to have passed, I didn’t realize how ungrateful my behavior was until they were gone. I made those bad choices and saw them as separate events that didn’t matter once I sobered up. Well, now I don’t want to drink and want to take responsibility for my future, but I just don’t see how I can have a future with such a past. I feel like I’m not allowed to remember the good times in my life, pre-alcoholism,because I bungled so much during my alcoholism. Nobody living I care knows my worst moments and it wouldn’t make anyone feel better to know. I’m thinking of getting and telling a therapist. Spoke to a social worker at the hospital, but wasn’t able to tell him the absolute worst, but I did feel temporary relief from the partial brain dump. How do you make a future if you don’t think you deserve one?

Dee74

Hi Ceedaily

the more years I drank, every time I sobered up I felt worse. Understandable I suppose as there was more to regret.

I figured out pretty quickly tho that I needed to forgive myself and move on because wallowing in shame was only likely to end one way.

The years I drank and the things I did belong to a former me - a corrupted me, a me under the influence of a malevolent force.

The me I am now and the me I was rediscovering at 60 days is the real me.

Now, sure we have to take responsibility for the things we did...but we don't need to keep punishing ourselves over and over for those things.

Thats something quite different.

I think that's self flagellation is related to my former life where making myself feel bad was yet another excuse to drink.

we don't have to do that anymore

Everyone deserves a good life - those who change their lives consciously no less than anyone else

D

Ceedaily

Thanks Dee. Well put and thoughtful. I will read this again and again to remind myself that I can have a better life.

zjw

I don’t think your actively make a future maybe you think you do I dunno. For me I just focused on not drinking trying to clean up my messes and trying to live each day but only a day at a time. Over time I realized that new future I made looking nothing like my drunken past and really nothing like I expected it to be on day 1. I guess the point is looking to far into the future is a lot of stress and we got enough problems each day it’s also not written yet or guaranteed and we really have little control over it either other then just making good choices each day.

zjw

Also if you feel not worth it I found doing things I was good at even stupid stuff made me feel better so I tried to do this stuff daily for the confidence boost.

Ceedaily

Good advice, zjw. I will think about the now as it does lead to the future. Not drinking one day at a time and making better choices is all I can do.

PhoenixJ

Sobriety does not promise a good life- it promises a level playing field. I think seeing a therapist is a good plan. I see a GP- for depression, a psychologist for all the crap in my head. Also meetings help me- if for nothing else, to socialize. I also come to the SR every day as part of a routine.

The danger for me of the guilt/shame cycle IS relapse….good food, water, rest and walking helps too.

nez

By realizing that I do deserve a future, as long as it is dedicated to not repeating my past and dedicated to doing my best at repairing and mending damage that I caused in the past.

fini

i did that, finally, by taking responsibility for the past and setting things right with those i had harmed. after that, the sense of self and possibility changed. ongoingly, i clean up every mess i might make, though i do have a way of living now that has minimized the makings of messes.
i did these things through implementing the steps as suggested in AA.

Grymt

You can dilute and reduce the impact of the bad feeling by doing good things that aim to reduce attachment to the feelings, to self. Like, be kind to someone who might ordinarily not deserve it. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. Take blankets to the homeless. Work some selfless loving kindness into each day.

Refrain from doing things that lead to future feeling of shame.

Relax.

ColoradoRocky

Watch it. That's exactly the kind of talk I hear from people paving the way for their next drink.

Regrets are part of life; drinking doesn't have to be.

Why not focus on going several months without drinking, then see what the future looks like?

Callas

I don’t think one should do things because you are “deserving”. Who decides who deserves what anyway. Do whatever you do because it is good for you and the right thing.

Aellyce

By focusing on making many positive efforts in your sober present, which will inevitably impact the future? With time, what feels like the heavy influence of the past might fade, or at least become more tolerable.

Also, do you think you might be depressed, or have some symptoms of depression? I think this type of rumination is often that... and seeking some form of specific treatment might be helpful to snap you out of it and move forward.

Anna

Ceedaily, I had a really hard time with the guilt and shame, too. I realized, in early recovery, I was not the person I had believed I was and it was quite traumatic for me to accept. Clearly, though, we need to accept our past in order to move on. We need to forgive ourselves. And, that doesn't mean we can or should forget what we've done, but we need to remove the burden from our shoulders.

I like the idea of talking to a therapist. What I ended up doing was jounaling. I sat and wrote every guilty, shameful thought that crossed my mind. It took many months, but writing it down really helped to get it out. In the end, I burned the journal, partly in a symbolic way, and partly because I didn't want anyone to find it in the future.

Hang in there. You do deserve a good life. As the brilliant Maya Angelou said "I did then what I knew how to do. Now I know better, I do better. "

NewOne

This might be a hard one for me. But it's usually the shame during drinking that keeps me drinking. The routine is I usually behave absurdly bad and then try to suppress the memories and feelings with more drinking!

Long term regrets are harder. Drinking twists yourself into something you'd never be when sober. I guess there's little point in beating yourself up, and the only thing to do is to be as reliable and kind as you can from now on, starting with yourself of course. I've got people who have passed who I should have treated better too, but I guess they wouldn't want us to suffer now whatever. I know I'm far past holding grudges against anyone nowadays, whether deserved or not.

Gottalife

Hi Ceedaily,
this is an important issue and for some of us it is essential to find a way to deal with it or we will end up drinking. At the end of my drinking there was wreckage in all directions about which I felt shame, and there were people I had harmed who might at any time reappear in my life and about that I felt fear. So there was obvious damage, awful memories and secrets, fears of getting found out.

Somehow elements of this affected my daily behaviour when sober. Being full of fear I made fear based decisions, which sometimes put me off side with people and that just made matters worse.

There were some specific actions I took which turned out to be an effective remedy for most of this. I took a good long look at myself and discovered things about the way I thought and reacted to life that meant I was my own worst enemy. I talked this through with someone and also owned up to all the dark memories that used to haunt me.

I went out to those I had harmed and made restitution, and that included a sincere undertaking that I would "not do it again, I would change".

Doing all of that, over a period of about three months, lifted the cloud to a large degree, but still for many years after that I felt unworthy of all the good things that were happening in my life as the result of being sober.

Some of that might have been due to the fact that I am not perfect and regularly make mistakes. But perhaps the most important thing that I had failed to realize, was that God does not require me to be worthy of His love. In a sense that feeling of unworthiness came from an erroneous idea that I had to be better than I was, maybe a form of perfectionism.

So, having done what I could to straighten out and live a better life, to quote one dear old timer, who was probably quoting someone else, I finally concluded "I am what I am and I don't give a damn".

August252015

This - and, my path (finally) was and is AA.

Some days, indeed the "weight" is odaat - and the steps got me thru that and are a basis for referral as needed, which is often. I've learned to compartmentalize the past much better- and to deal with shame and regret more effectively and promptly when they do occur.

I had no idea what a sober life would bring and was scared to death (almost literally, which is why I finally quit). But we can learn and grow and be grateful for a good life, that we do deserve.

Glad you are here.

NYCDoglvr

So do you think drinking will fix this? In early recovery I learned "feelings aren't facts." What are you doing this time that's different? I don't think you can substitute not drinking with nothing, it doesn't work. If you're serious, go to AA or another program. It takes willingness to stay sober, do you have that now?

Ceedaily

I definitely don’t think drinking will fix this or anything else and I have no desire to see what other problems and issues alcohol could create for me in a deeper rock bottom. I’m feeling better after reading all these helpful and insightful responses. I really appreciate them and want to thank you all for replying. That said, you are definitely right that I can’t replace alcohol or back up just not drinking with nothing; been there, done that. I have the willingness to stay sober, going to an AA meeting tomorrow. I also have the SMART Recovery workbook, which is helpful for urges and problem solving, but not so much for underlying depression coming fully to the surface. I know feelings aren’t facts, but that will take a while to sink in after treating them as facts for so long.

August252015

Ceedaily - that is a great plan!! Personally, AA is my foundation and I also believe adding anything to it that gives me additional support (and different perspectives) only improves my life and my sobriety. Proud of you!

And - none of us deal with all of this at once, or right away (whatever right away means) - it would be too much! I know that early on, as I went thru the steps and did other things (psych etc) to face and address shame, regret, etc, I could only handle so much at a time. It can literally be exhausting!

Glad you are here. Keep talking with us - you are valued.