First relationship after getting sober.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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First relationship after getting sober.
I'm 19 months completely sober this week after drinking/drugging for 15 years+ since high school. I've never taken relationships very seriously never rushed into anything my last serious gf a few years ago wanted to move in together after 2 years and I didn't want anything to do with it. Talked to a couple girls over the last 6 months went out on a few dates nothing came of all that either.
That all changed with this girl I met almost a month ago. I fell head over heels in love. We spent every spare minute together, talked/texted every minute we weren't together, when we weren't doing either I was thinking about her, all of which is way out of character for me. I couldn't eat or sleep much the first weeks, the whole thing was crazy. We were talking marriage kids the whole 9 in no time. I still got butterflies around her like it was our first date even after we were sleeping together. Not that that even happened typically with me with anyone else in the first place. Tues she was talking our future together, weds she was dumping me.
I'm pretty heartbroken I still can't stop thinking about her, everything thing reminds me of her but not gonna drink, weds night I had a brief thought of getting a six pack but said yeah right and cleaned my house and worked out until bedtime instead.
So this probably belongs in some relationship forum or something but wondering more if its something to do with quitting drinking and all those emotions finally coming to me. One girl in high school made me feel close to the way this girl did but still not the same. Anyone got any insight in to why I let my guard down so fast and let this girl take me for a ride?
I apparently dodged a bullet seems this a pattern with her and all the red flags I ignored for some reason. It could of been worse.
That all changed with this girl I met almost a month ago. I fell head over heels in love. We spent every spare minute together, talked/texted every minute we weren't together, when we weren't doing either I was thinking about her, all of which is way out of character for me. I couldn't eat or sleep much the first weeks, the whole thing was crazy. We were talking marriage kids the whole 9 in no time. I still got butterflies around her like it was our first date even after we were sleeping together. Not that that even happened typically with me with anyone else in the first place. Tues she was talking our future together, weds she was dumping me.
I'm pretty heartbroken I still can't stop thinking about her, everything thing reminds me of her but not gonna drink, weds night I had a brief thought of getting a six pack but said yeah right and cleaned my house and worked out until bedtime instead.
So this probably belongs in some relationship forum or something but wondering more if its something to do with quitting drinking and all those emotions finally coming to me. One girl in high school made me feel close to the way this girl did but still not the same. Anyone got any insight in to why I let my guard down so fast and let this girl take me for a ride?
I apparently dodged a bullet seems this a pattern with her and all the red flags I ignored for some reason. It could of been worse.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
hey wp, I don't really have any huge advice or insight but just wanted to say I am sorry you got hurt. Nothing fun or enlightening about that for sure (I am really glad you won't drink over it though).
One thing though, when marriage and kids and happily ever after are being discussed so very soon, that's a bit of a red flag. That first month is, generally, just a whirlwind of good feelings when you have found someone that you seem to be compatible with. But, hold on, because that's not really a good time to make any future plans, more about just getting to know each other, you know?
Anyway, hang in there. The hurt will pass, it won't always feel like this. Take good care of yourself.
One thing though, when marriage and kids and happily ever after are being discussed so very soon, that's a bit of a red flag. That first month is, generally, just a whirlwind of good feelings when you have found someone that you seem to be compatible with. But, hold on, because that's not really a good time to make any future plans, more about just getting to know each other, you know?
Anyway, hang in there. The hurt will pass, it won't always feel like this. Take good care of yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Colorado
Posts: 347
Originally Posted by wastedpotential 
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I apparently dodged a bullet seems this a pattern with her and all the red flags I ignored for some reason. It could of been worse.
I apparently dodged a bullet seems this a pattern with her and all the red flags I ignored for some reason. It could of been worse.
This is the perfect place to talk about this. Here's why: my uninformed guess is that this girl is just like the bottle.
She might try to rope you back in, and you might think that you can make it work. Sound familiar? Sudden rush, dodging bullets, ignoring red flags? Sounds like drinking to me. "I can make this drinking thing work, just one or two. It'll be okay."
Been there, done that. Don't be like me.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 710
what has happened here is that someone broke your heart. For the first time? That's lucky man. Most of us have gone through this a few times in our lives and it sucks.
This happened last week . It is totally, perfectly normal you are missing her, you are in pain, everything reminds you of her and that you would give your right arm to be back together.
You have years of experience with alcohol and drugs. If you go that high, chances are the low is brutal. There is no shortcut. Not even trying to see red flags and all her flaws. I am sure she had plenty you could not see, because that's what we all do when we fall in love. No matter what you try it is going to hurt. You have been together only one month so it is not going to hurt for long (unless you get into some mental health problem). You have not created strong habits around her.
If it is the first time it happens to you, take your time to feel it. There is nothing like falling in love and broken hearts. Both are temporary but a massive ride. The closest you are going to get to the other stuff you used to like. But this one is not poisonous. It comes at not financial cost either.
The thought of buying alcohol after 19 months would scare the **** out of me. Many people restart smoking/drinking after the end of a relationship. It will take much longer to recover from that. Not worth it.
I am sorry it is hurting. Shed some tears. Don't escape this one. Stay away from the booze.
This happened last week . It is totally, perfectly normal you are missing her, you are in pain, everything reminds you of her and that you would give your right arm to be back together.
You have years of experience with alcohol and drugs. If you go that high, chances are the low is brutal. There is no shortcut. Not even trying to see red flags and all her flaws. I am sure she had plenty you could not see, because that's what we all do when we fall in love. No matter what you try it is going to hurt. You have been together only one month so it is not going to hurt for long (unless you get into some mental health problem). You have not created strong habits around her.
If it is the first time it happens to you, take your time to feel it. There is nothing like falling in love and broken hearts. Both are temporary but a massive ride. The closest you are going to get to the other stuff you used to like. But this one is not poisonous. It comes at not financial cost either.
The thought of buying alcohol after 19 months would scare the **** out of me. Many people restart smoking/drinking after the end of a relationship. It will take much longer to recover from that. Not worth it.
I am sorry it is hurting. Shed some tears. Don't escape this one. Stay away from the booze.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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Not so much about having my heart broke, I'll get over it just fine. This is just the first time I ever fell for someone like this. I can't recall ever feeling this way about anyone especially so quick. I know better talking about marriage and all that so soon in fact I've never been one to really want all that.
Thats why I'm wondering if its something to do with me having numbed my feelings for so long it just all came rushing in with this girl or what.
Thats why I'm wondering if its something to do with me having numbed my feelings for so long it just all came rushing in with this girl or what.
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Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 710
It happens wasted. There are even explanations based on chemistry for this. And yes, perhaps you have never experienced it before because your feelings were numbed by other chemistry-related effect or because you did not meet the person who had that connection with you.
It is fine you fell for it. I hope you really enjoyed it. Don't beat yourself for this. I fell for a guy like that 15 years ago. We had our fist child 11 months after. We are still together. It worked, because this is just a lottery (If 'worked means we are still together; there are many nuances to that 'worked', including the fact that I started my real drinking career after that).
You were there. You may have learnt a lesson or two for future relationships, but I would say it is totally normal.
It is fine you fell for it. I hope you really enjoyed it. Don't beat yourself for this. I fell for a guy like that 15 years ago. We had our fist child 11 months after. We are still together. It worked, because this is just a lottery (If 'worked means we are still together; there are many nuances to that 'worked', including the fact that I started my real drinking career after that).
You were there. You may have learnt a lesson or two for future relationships, but I would say it is totally normal.
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I'm sorry wp - that had to hurt.
For much of my life I dealt with relationships the same way I dealt with drinking...full on, full speed. Its tempting to say I got intoxicated on love, although it's not really fair cos the feelings I felt were real.
My relationships never lasted tho because when you're talking marriage and kids in the first couple of weeks there's nowhere else to go after that, and most of my relationships ended suddenly like yours.
Eventually tho I got sober, I grew a lot...I met someone - we had both been burned - we took it slow - got through the bad times - ten years on, still together.
I'm willing to be your life partner is still out there wp
For much of my life I dealt with relationships the same way I dealt with drinking...full on, full speed. Its tempting to say I got intoxicated on love, although it's not really fair cos the feelings I felt were real.
My relationships never lasted tho because when you're talking marriage and kids in the first couple of weeks there's nowhere else to go after that, and most of my relationships ended suddenly like yours.
Eventually tho I got sober, I grew a lot...I met someone - we had both been burned - we took it slow - got through the bad times - ten years on, still together.
I'm willing to be your life partner is still out there wp
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Colorado
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Originally Posted by wastedpotential
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Thats why I'm wondering if its something to do with me having numbed my feelings for so long it just all came rushing in with this girl or what.
Thats why I'm wondering if its something to do with me having numbed my feelings for so long it just all came rushing in with this girl or what.
I say unlikely because when your emotional body starts coming alive again, you don't get to pick and choose which feelings. The range of emotions will increase across the board.
The saying is, the good news I'm getting my feelings back, the bad news is I'm getting my feelings back!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
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To me, it sounds like you are way not ready for a relationship. And I say that from a place of experience- notably, this is a lot of stuff I did while I was still drinking. You might want to look at patterns comparing then and now- look for similarities, not difference.
Neediness, rushing into things, overwhelming attachment....these are things that this alcoholic sure did and they led to big mistakes.
I say it around here all the time that I am unbelievably fortunate that I have the love of my life and how it all came about - sparing the whole story, the most important reason we have what we call TeamUs is because as much love and courtship as we started with, there was equal part (more, even) foundation building and decision making for the long term kind of life we wanted to have.
In closing- I certainly couldn't risk my emotional sobriety let alone physical sobriety over drama filled, torturous relationships of highs and lows like I had once, or you describe.
Good luck. Take care of yourself, then hopefully you can find a good person to care for well, too.
Neediness, rushing into things, overwhelming attachment....these are things that this alcoholic sure did and they led to big mistakes.
I say it around here all the time that I am unbelievably fortunate that I have the love of my life and how it all came about - sparing the whole story, the most important reason we have what we call TeamUs is because as much love and courtship as we started with, there was equal part (more, even) foundation building and decision making for the long term kind of life we wanted to have.
In closing- I certainly couldn't risk my emotional sobriety let alone physical sobriety over drama filled, torturous relationships of highs and lows like I had once, or you describe.
Good luck. Take care of yourself, then hopefully you can find a good person to care for well, too.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 141
Classic rebounder behavior from the girl. Fresh out of a break-up they are looking for an immediate stand in replacement for what they had. This is why she was moving so fast, you were just slotted in exactly at the stage she was at with her ex. Problem is, its extremely short lived and they vanish quick either once the ex calls or they realize what they are doing is very wrong.
Sorry it happened to you, all you can do is make sure it doesn't happen again. Be careful with the dating apps, they are littered with rebounders that will be doing the exact same thing to unsuspecting people every day.
Sorry it happened to you, all you can do is make sure it doesn't happen again. Be careful with the dating apps, they are littered with rebounders that will be doing the exact same thing to unsuspecting people every day.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 104
Hi WP
Not sure what caused this strong early sense of attachment, but seems to me you're dealing with it really well, self-aware and alert to risks. The only thing I would add based on your story and user name is that after 15 years drinking and 2 sober your potential is just opening up. I quit in my early 30s then did things I would never have thought possible when drinking . So maybe UntappedPotential rather than Wasted?
Best
ND
Not sure what caused this strong early sense of attachment, but seems to me you're dealing with it really well, self-aware and alert to risks. The only thing I would add based on your story and user name is that after 15 years drinking and 2 sober your potential is just opening up. I quit in my early 30s then did things I would never have thought possible when drinking . So maybe UntappedPotential rather than Wasted?
Best
ND
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