Elliemae219

loved one struggles with alcoholism. Won't follow recommendations from the treatment facilities that were completed. Only made it 80 days sober and has never gone past that number again.
Won't go to meetings, because no money for uber...

Continues to drink and function at work but seems to have hit a wall now so will wait and see what happens- hoping maybe it will finally a difference.
Feels like always needs to be in a relationship and when that goes sour, hits the bottle and well it snowballs.
Only gets worse.
Lives in a city that has a strong sober community but refuses to take part in it.
Just at a loss. Hard to watch someone destroy their life..

PhoenixJ

Ellie, a poignant question. Such a simple behavior- stop drinking, with a difficult path to get there. For me, one of the hardcore unfortunates who had to lose everything (including for a time, my life). I had nothing. Even then I continued to drink- to oblivion, not to die but to be removed from the physical and emotional pain. In the end, after losing 50kg from self neglect- where I was dying, I came to a very basic choice- to drink and eventually die, or choose life.

I chose life (obviously). The need, the instinct to live was stronger than the want to drink.

My prayers for you and your loved one.

least

Welcome to the family. A useful course of action, tho not always possible, is to detach from your loved one to protect yourself from the toxic environment of addiction. It's also helpful to establish boundaries of what behavior you will and will not tolerate.

You might want to take a look at our 'friends and family' forums, further down the main index page. There are several forums you can post in. I hope you can find some support for yourself.

What made me finally get sober for good was just getting sick and tired of always being sick and tired and drunk. I was sick of waking up feeling horrible and hating myself. I'm coming up on 10 yrs sober and my life is a lot better now.

I hope your loved one will seek help to get sober.

Hevyn

Hi Elliemae - it's great to have you with us. I'm sorry for the painful situation you're dealing with.

I drank most of my adult life. It had once been fun & relaxing - until I became too dependent on it. In the end, I was drinking all day - with a life in ruins. I had humiliated myself so many times - even got a dui. So I had to quit in order to salvage what I had left of my relationships & health. I always imagined I could control the amounts I drank & be a social drinker - but I had crossed the line & there was no going back. We waste so much time trying to use willpower to drink 'normally' - and it's never going to be possible for the alcoholic.

As least mentioned, the Friends & Family Forum is helpful.

nez

Utter despair. I couldn't envision life with alcohol and I couldn't envision life without alcohol. I was married. I was a successful business owner. No DUI's. No jail time. I paid my bills. I had a roof over my head. Never been fired. But yet, I was emotionally and spiritually bankrupt. I was in hell. I was mentally at the jumping off place. That is what made me get sober. Not pretty, but that is what it took for me to be able to make the changes necessary to enjoy the life I have today.

fini

i couldn’t stand myself any longer.

but that was ongoing, and many attempts. i could finally quit only when i understood i was a drunk.

Stayingsassy

Drinking was no longer fun or pleasurable, it was just a compulsion.
I couldn’t drink without a massive binge.
I couldn’t binge without massive humiliation.
I couldn’t stick to my alcohol limits.

When I’d humiliated myself publicly and suffered yet another week of withdrawal and hated myself enough, I realized if I never drank again, I could avoid ever experiencing that again.

I wanted to be 100% in control of my actions. So I quit drinking forever.

No amount of badgering or anger from adults I loved or fear and pain from children I loved would make me quit.

I quit when I realized quitting would give me back my own sanity, period. I didn’t give a rats azz what anyone thought or what anyone wanted. They could leave me, fine. They could be mad, fine. I did what I wanted.

People will strive to do what is reasonable and makes the most sense more readily if you give them the space to understand that they are digging their own grave. Otherwise, they’ll just feel like they have to escape everyone’s judgement, and drinking = escape.

Elliemae219

The life my loved one has is not going well. Job is now on the line. Been in and out of 5 different treatment programs only to never follow recommendations. Works full time and has nothing to show for it except debt upon debt and struggles to pay bills. Missed work this past week due to binging over yet another relationship failing, had an accident due to being intoxicated that could have ended in even more of a severe injury than it was. Hopefully goes to work this week even though loved ones face is very messed up from hitting the concrete. Not sure how rent will get paid but not my problem.

Briansy

You say he's hitting the wall. That sounds like a good thing for you if you want him to stay quit. Continuing to hit that wall becomes untenable and trying to manage the situation soon becomes impossible. I first properly hit the wall about 2 years ago. It's taken me until now to get a bit of traction with getting sober. Until that "hitting the wall" point my resolve to stay sober wasn't there as I was still largely "getting away with it" and deriving enjoyment from drinking / able to pull myself together afterwards. But about 8 months after hitting it, I started getting serious about sobriety as I had started to feel so wretched and fearful day in and day out, that the alternative finally started to feel truly appealing - rather than a joyless sentence to a life of being boring and sober. This had peaks and troughs of success but it has gotten a LOT better lately - when you know it has to end, you keep going at it in a way you just don't do before hitting the wall and eventually staying stopped has become easier. On day 29 and I feel like I'm gonna keep going from here. Previously, it just didn't feel like I'd sustain it. What changed? I suppose just continuing to go back to the well and getting nothing back again and again and again. Eventually it dawns on you. This is not gonna change. The glory days are over and they're not coming back. The next step is getting to the point where the penny drops that those days weren't so glorious after all! I tried AA and other suggestions, but I do feel like this has just been a process that I needed to figure out myself. Although I have read a lot of books on the topic lately which have really hurried this process along. I listen to them on the commute or on walks on audiobooks so it's very easy way of killing time, getting a bit of exercise and absorbing good info at the same time.

Sobertoday54

tomsteve

THAT was a big part of
What made you finally decide to get sober
the greatest enabler in my life (fiance) tossed me to the curb.
that gave me the gift of desperation- the pain of getting drunk had exceeded the pain of reality.

Stayingsassy

Yep, as hard as it is, better not to pay the rent.

I have a family member that struggled with drugs and alcohol (on my in-laws side) and he finally has some traction in sobriety after losing wife, five kids, contracting company and was couch surfing. When he lost the last couch, he got sober.

fini

Elliemae, what all these posts have in common is that wanting that sobriety came from us, not from others.
you say he is not interested....that kinda stops things right there.
i hope you find peace for yourself.

january161992

lotsa people around me were going to meetings

someone asked me to go

i never stopped

Elliemae219

Thank you everyone. said that each time the pain is getting worse and realizes this time could have been the end of the road. I reminded the loved one that God sure does have a purpose for loved ones life because this is how many times now that it could have ended with death but still got up to talk about it. Once loved one finds their purpose/passion, there will be no looking back. Soon hope that happens. Soon hope the " I am worthless" comments cease.
After speaking today, comment was made that in order to escape their reality loved one drinks.. I get that but the reality is still there. Suggested finding a new way to cope but was told working out doesn't make the reality go away like the drink does.

Anna

Elliemae, I'm sorry for your situation. I hope you decide to check out AlAnon in your town, and also take a look at our Friends & Families Forums, where you will find lots of support.

ColoradoRocky

It is tough, even agonizing, indeed, but, sadly, all you can do is watch.

I don't know if you're talking about a man or a woman, father, son, daughter, mom, boyfriend, girlfriend or someone else here, but any way you slice it there's nothing you can do about somebody else's drinking.

PhoenixJ

I felt worthless to my core. As if my existence was wrong. It was pathetic and misery incarnate, but I did not seek pity, just oblivion. Addiction sucks. I hope your loved one can find the hope to turn their life around.

fini

yes, the reality is still there, though l.o. might be temporarily escaping.
and working out is no solution to alcoholism.
what are YOU going to do about YOUR reality which includes loving someone who is not interested in finding their solution?

wondering if you have explored the”family and friends” forums farther down the list?

Gal220

All I can do is really echo the other responses. No one could have done anything to convince me to get sober. I was what's called a "high bottom drunk." I had only just started to suffer the ill effects of my drinking. When a mentor suggested I try an AA meeting, I went just to prove to him that I wasn't an alcoholic. Hearing others speak and reading the Big Book convinced me that I was indeed an alcoholic. The reasons why I drank were described so clearly in the book that I couldn't deny them. I got sober because I was afraid of the "yets" (the things I hadn't lost "yet"). I stay sober now because of the life I've built that I don't want to lose.

One of the most difficult, but important, things I have learned in sobriety is to create and honor boundaries. I am also married to an alcoholic, and it's important as the loved one of an alcoholic. I can only be responsible for myself. No matter how much I love someone, they are going to be who they are. I can only control myself. I hope you can find some peace, and like others, I would also recommend Alanon.