Daily Ramblings, Check Ins, and Maybe Other Stuff
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 850
So today isn't over yet but I'm feeling inspired to make a quick post.
Most of them so far have settled on this new budding relationship I have going on, so I'm sorry about that but it's been on my mind a lot, specifically how I talk to him about the whole alcoholism thing. He knows I don't drink, but not why. While I want to keep it to myself, I feel like it's eventually going to have to come out and it feels like a big red A from the scarlet letter plastered on my forehead.
"This girl is an alcoholic and therefore always at risk of relapse and catastrophe."
Whether or not the above is true, that's how others see it. So I don't know how to bring it up and impress the level of severity but still letting him know that it's not the only thing about me. I just feel like it adds to the baggage I already have, but in a worse way because it's always with me. I can't ever get away from it. I know you'll say "well if he doesn't want to accept that then he's not for you" but I just think.....it's hard to accept. I don't know.
If anyone has any advice, that would be really helpful. It's been on my mind a lot lately and I don't want to seem like I'm lying or keeping a secret. I might check in a bit later to just review the end of my day. I also don't want to bring this up in AA, as they are really against relationships or big changes before the first year, which I get, but I don't really want someone to tell me not to do this. Because it's going well, all things considered.
Most of them so far have settled on this new budding relationship I have going on, so I'm sorry about that but it's been on my mind a lot, specifically how I talk to him about the whole alcoholism thing. He knows I don't drink, but not why. While I want to keep it to myself, I feel like it's eventually going to have to come out and it feels like a big red A from the scarlet letter plastered on my forehead.
"This girl is an alcoholic and therefore always at risk of relapse and catastrophe."
Whether or not the above is true, that's how others see it. So I don't know how to bring it up and impress the level of severity but still letting him know that it's not the only thing about me. I just feel like it adds to the baggage I already have, but in a worse way because it's always with me. I can't ever get away from it. I know you'll say "well if he doesn't want to accept that then he's not for you" but I just think.....it's hard to accept. I don't know.
If anyone has any advice, that would be really helpful. It's been on my mind a lot lately and I don't want to seem like I'm lying or keeping a secret. I might check in a bit later to just review the end of my day. I also don't want to bring this up in AA, as they are really against relationships or big changes before the first year, which I get, but I don't really want someone to tell me not to do this. Because it's going well, all things considered.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hi dpac,
Do you have a sponsor? If so, I think you should probably talk this over with her. I do understand why you wouldn't want to bring the topic to a meeting, but think it's a mistake to hide things from your sponsor.
I've never been in the fortunate but tricky situation you find yourself in. If it were me, I think I might find the opportunity to tell your man friend that one of the reasons you want to take things slowly is because the advise you have been given in the AA program is to stay away from new relationships for a year. And how does he feel about keeping things at the current level for the next few months?
Just an idea that might help to strike the right balance between competing priorities.
O
Do you have a sponsor? If so, I think you should probably talk this over with her. I do understand why you wouldn't want to bring the topic to a meeting, but think it's a mistake to hide things from your sponsor.
I've never been in the fortunate but tricky situation you find yourself in. If it were me, I think I might find the opportunity to tell your man friend that one of the reasons you want to take things slowly is because the advise you have been given in the AA program is to stay away from new relationships for a year. And how does he feel about keeping things at the current level for the next few months?
Just an idea that might help to strike the right balance between competing priorities.
O
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 55
I think it's so sweet your man friend said he was lucky to have met you. How sweet and wonderful to hear. You should believe him!
It's so easy to let ourselves believe we aren't good enough for someone. I myself am terribly good at this. I've done a good job in the past at pushing men away because I felt like I wasn't good enough or I was just scared to be hurt. It can be a self fulfilling prophecy to hold back...we hold back so we aren't hurt and that, in effect, winds up pushing away someone we care about. It's self preservation, but we wind up hurting ourselves in the end. I don't know how to get out of that pattern.
I hope you realize you are worth being in this nice gentleman's life. I know you are worried about revealing everything to him. Perhaps you could just start with telling him that you had a bad relationship with alcohol. You don't need to go into specifics, just let him know things weren't good. Gauge his reaction to see if you want to go into the full story right then. If you do care for him and want to share everything, you will need to at some point. Being vulnerable is so hard. I hope you find the right path.
It's so easy to let ourselves believe we aren't good enough for someone. I myself am terribly good at this. I've done a good job in the past at pushing men away because I felt like I wasn't good enough or I was just scared to be hurt. It can be a self fulfilling prophecy to hold back...we hold back so we aren't hurt and that, in effect, winds up pushing away someone we care about. It's self preservation, but we wind up hurting ourselves in the end. I don't know how to get out of that pattern.
I hope you realize you are worth being in this nice gentleman's life. I know you are worried about revealing everything to him. Perhaps you could just start with telling him that you had a bad relationship with alcohol. You don't need to go into specifics, just let him know things weren't good. Gauge his reaction to see if you want to go into the full story right then. If you do care for him and want to share everything, you will need to at some point. Being vulnerable is so hard. I hope you find the right path.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Hi dpac, great thread you have going! I'll just say.. I used to feel exactly the same way about telling people (potential friends too, not just in the context of romance), but at some point it sort of just became a non issue. That only happened with time, over a year, so I do see the value in waiting but almost think it's more about our own perception than other people's.
Personally I wouldn't go super in depth with all the details, but find that saying a simple line like "I quit drinking because I used to drink way too much" or had a problem with it, or however you want to put it.. usually is clear enough to get across your point but not a reason for alarm from the other person. And actually, not to evade any responsibility.. but I think one of the great things about quitting young is that people are more apt to see it as a youthful reckless/party phase than the imminent catastrophe scenario. Just as long as you are comfortable communicating the seriousness of your position if people are to ask or try pushing it..
Personally I wouldn't go super in depth with all the details, but find that saying a simple line like "I quit drinking because I used to drink way too much" or had a problem with it, or however you want to put it.. usually is clear enough to get across your point but not a reason for alarm from the other person. And actually, not to evade any responsibility.. but I think one of the great things about quitting young is that people are more apt to see it as a youthful reckless/party phase than the imminent catastrophe scenario. Just as long as you are comfortable communicating the seriousness of your position if people are to ask or try pushing it..
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I agree with Cosima who seems to have pegged it.
First, I don't do AA so I don't know how I'd reveal that part. I have had friends in the past (and one boyfriend) in AA and I didn't judge them negatively for it, I just thought they were doing some inner work and it couldn't be a bad thing.
But.
That boyfriend I had who was in AA did relapse on alcohol and drugs and he really went off the rails in spectacularly scary fashion. It was ugly, and it was a couple years into the relationship. I wasn't drinking or taking any drugs. It was the beginning of the end for us. I don't know what would have happened had he not relapsed...every story is different. I had been forewarned, I just didn't know how bad it would get.
I don't think I'd date anyone in the future who was an alcoholic, even though I identify as alcoholic. I know that's judgey and seems hypocritical. It's tricky, for sure.
First, I don't do AA so I don't know how I'd reveal that part. I have had friends in the past (and one boyfriend) in AA and I didn't judge them negatively for it, I just thought they were doing some inner work and it couldn't be a bad thing.
But.
That boyfriend I had who was in AA did relapse on alcohol and drugs and he really went off the rails in spectacularly scary fashion. It was ugly, and it was a couple years into the relationship. I wasn't drinking or taking any drugs. It was the beginning of the end for us. I don't know what would have happened had he not relapsed...every story is different. I had been forewarned, I just didn't know how bad it would get.
I don't think I'd date anyone in the future who was an alcoholic, even though I identify as alcoholic. I know that's judgey and seems hypocritical. It's tricky, for sure.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Thanks for the replies, everyone. I'll try my best to address all that's been said here.
I do not have a sponsor. It's something that I've thought about and have been thinking about, but I'm just not sure about it, for reasons that I can get into probably some other time. My therapist and I have been discussing the relationship in depth, and we are taking things very, very slowly. It's actually really great to be sober in this situation, because all my words and actions are well thought out and I have the ability to really consider things before doing or saying them. Plus I'm not just jumping into bed immediately. Always felt bad to do that, but hindered judgment, insecurities, and feeling like it's what I *had* to do to get someone to like me pushed me to do it.
Kinda got away from me on that one. So I guess....my response is no, I don't have a sponsor, but I work very closely with my therapist. Not the same thing exactly, I know, but it's something.
We have had maybe one or two discussions about the status of the relationship, kind of like little check ins where we talk about where we're at and stuff. He's been very respectful of the boundaries I currently have in place. So I don't think he minds waiting a little bit. It's kind of like boiling a frog, you know? Heat the water up, wait for it to adjust, and then heat it up another degree or two.
Peaches, thank you for the kind words. Means a lot, really. I'm really trying hard not to over extend myself or get scared. It's hard, haha.
This is what I'm leaning towards, honestly. He knows I don't drink and is fine with it, but I guess it's more like....well why do I feel I have to go to AA? Why do I have to track my days? Why do I have to be so involved with sobriety? I feel like the AA portion freaks people out because of what's been portrayed in media and otherwise. But really we're just a bunch of alcoholics who are trying to do better. I have to tell him about AA though, because this mystery thing I do on Wednesdays feels like lying. I think it'll be okay.
I want to make something very clear, though. I am 100% committed to keeping my sobriety at the forefront of my life. If I feel that anything going on here compromises that, I will either pull sharply back or end it. Recovery is the most important thing to me. It's the glue that holds me together and allows me to do everything I've been able to do over the past months. I am proud of what I've been able to accomplish and that I am sober today. In short, I'm not ******* around.
We had a very good conversation last night about how we're moving right along, and I feel positive about it. He truly is a gentleman and very kind; I kind of forgot what it was like to have someone just like me....as dramatic as that sounds. It was always about what I had to do in order to get them to like me or prevent them from leaving. Bad stuff happens in those situations.
I'm going to keep moving forward, because while staying in my safe space alcohol free with my cat in my apartment has been great, but I want and need more for myself. In terms of relationships, personal growth, professional growth, emotional, spiritual....you get the picture. It's very scary to dip a toe into foreign waters, and I'm kind of terrified to see what's going to happen. But I'm also exhilarated.
I love all of you, and thanks for taking the time to read this and reply to me. I wouldn't have gotten halfway to where I am now without the support of this forum, among other things.
Do you have a sponsor? If so, I think you should probably talk this over with her. I do understand why you wouldn't want to bring the topic to a meeting, but think it's a mistake to hide things from your sponsor.
Kinda got away from me on that one. So I guess....my response is no, I don't have a sponsor, but I work very closely with my therapist. Not the same thing exactly, I know, but it's something.
We have had maybe one or two discussions about the status of the relationship, kind of like little check ins where we talk about where we're at and stuff. He's been very respectful of the boundaries I currently have in place. So I don't think he minds waiting a little bit. It's kind of like boiling a frog, you know? Heat the water up, wait for it to adjust, and then heat it up another degree or two.
Peaches, thank you for the kind words. Means a lot, really. I'm really trying hard not to over extend myself or get scared. It's hard, haha.
Personally I wouldn't go super in depth with all the details, but find that saying a simple line like "I quit drinking because I used to drink way too much" or had a problem with it, or however you want to put it.. usually is clear enough to get across your point but not a reason for alarm from the other person.
I want to make something very clear, though. I am 100% committed to keeping my sobriety at the forefront of my life. If I feel that anything going on here compromises that, I will either pull sharply back or end it. Recovery is the most important thing to me. It's the glue that holds me together and allows me to do everything I've been able to do over the past months. I am proud of what I've been able to accomplish and that I am sober today. In short, I'm not ******* around.
We had a very good conversation last night about how we're moving right along, and I feel positive about it. He truly is a gentleman and very kind; I kind of forgot what it was like to have someone just like me....as dramatic as that sounds. It was always about what I had to do in order to get them to like me or prevent them from leaving. Bad stuff happens in those situations.
I'm going to keep moving forward, because while staying in my safe space alcohol free with my cat in my apartment has been great, but I want and need more for myself. In terms of relationships, personal growth, professional growth, emotional, spiritual....you get the picture. It's very scary to dip a toe into foreign waters, and I'm kind of terrified to see what's going to happen. But I'm also exhilarated.
I love all of you, and thanks for taking the time to read this and reply to me. I wouldn't have gotten halfway to where I am now without the support of this forum, among other things.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 55
If this man is as great as you've made him sound (which I'm sure he is), he will be so proud of you, as many here are, that you've dedicated yourself completely to being sober. Tell him you want to do everything possible to live your best life and AA is a part of that. Anyone who wouldn't be supportive or appreciative of your efforts would not be worth your time. And I suspect he will be there for you 100%. He sounds sincere and genuine and that's the right kind of person to have in your life. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Congrats and I hope only more wonderful things are in store for you.
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Join Date: May 2017
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Originally Posted by MissPeaches 
If this man is as great as you've made him sound (which I'm sure he is), he will be so proud of you, as many here are, that you've dedicated yourself completely to being sober. Tell him you want to do everything possible to live your best life and AA is a part of that. Anyone who wouldn't be supportive or appreciative of your efforts would not be worth your time. And I suspect he will be there for you 100%. He sounds sincere and genuine and that's the right kind of person to have in your life. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Congrats and I hope only more wonderful things are in store for you.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
dpac, there's no question in my mind that your sobriety has to come first. You came here because you were feeling a bit shaky, and that's a fine testament to your commitment. Not to mention a fine example for others. 
I understand shying away from the sponsor bit. I don't know about you, but it's really hard for me to trust other people and it has felt sort of like a crapshoot in AA. I had two sponsors previously that weren't a good fit. Really lovely women, nothing wrong with them, but something was just off. Plus there was the dynamic of balancing therapy, IOP and a sponsor all at one time; it just felt overwhelming and I ended up feeling I needed to choose my own path. At that time (and today as well), I couldn't tolerate the demands from well-meaning women who were confrontational about my questioning nature and insistence on independence. I found my current sponsor after a two year hiatus by simply announcing in a meeting who I was looking for. She tracked me down, and seems to be just who I was looking for; a person who really believes our relationship should be mutually beneficial and is comfortable striking the right balance as I make my way through the steps. Anyhow, enough about me - just wanted to say that bit.
If I haven't said so already, I think it's spectacular that you are taking this relationship slow and with a good deal of caution to make sure it's right for you. I also think Cosima and Peaches have offered great advice. It's worth dipping you toe in the water to find out how it feels - better now than later, particularly since you feel like you're keeping something from him. The best relationships are based in mutual respect and honesty, don't you think?
I can almost feel how scary and exciting this is for you - like getting close to the top of that first roller-coaster hill, huh?
Enjoy life!!
O
I understand shying away from the sponsor bit. I don't know about you, but it's really hard for me to trust other people and it has felt sort of like a crapshoot in AA. I had two sponsors previously that weren't a good fit. Really lovely women, nothing wrong with them, but something was just off. Plus there was the dynamic of balancing therapy, IOP and a sponsor all at one time; it just felt overwhelming and I ended up feeling I needed to choose my own path. At that time (and today as well), I couldn't tolerate the demands from well-meaning women who were confrontational about my questioning nature and insistence on independence. I found my current sponsor after a two year hiatus by simply announcing in a meeting who I was looking for. She tracked me down, and seems to be just who I was looking for; a person who really believes our relationship should be mutually beneficial and is comfortable striking the right balance as I make my way through the steps. Anyhow, enough about me - just wanted to say that bit.
If I haven't said so already, I think it's spectacular that you are taking this relationship slow and with a good deal of caution to make sure it's right for you. I also think Cosima and Peaches have offered great advice. It's worth dipping you toe in the water to find out how it feels - better now than later, particularly since you feel like you're keeping something from him. The best relationships are based in mutual respect and honesty, don't you think?
I can almost feel how scary and exciting this is for you - like getting close to the top of that first roller-coaster hill, huh?
Enjoy life!!
O
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I think with a little more sober time maybe this won't seem like such a huge deal to disclose, too.
I got sober in my early thirties and I didn't find my sobriety to be a hindrance to future dating and relationships. I wasn't in AA, like I said, I just quit - so I didn't have that to explain, I just didn't drink and I told them all the true reasons why I quit, you know:
"I don't like it anymore
It doesn't agree with me
I already drank my fair share
I hate hangovers
I don't like losing control of myself"
etc.
It doesn't have to be, "I'm an alcoholic and my life was so messed up I had to quit." I mean, if you want to tell it that way, of course that's the right thing for you, but I think once you've been quit for a while you'll see it isn't a huge deal for potential dates unless they have some alcoholism in their family or have had an alcoholic BF or GF before. At your age people are probably not too worried about it since alcohol is everywhere and everyone has seen someone who drinks too much. There is bad stuff that happens to many people in their late teens and twenties and often alcohol is involved, so don't be too hard on yourself.
This guy may just be a casual thing. Or he may be the real deal. I'm with O, if you are carrying a burden that he needs to know this then it's the right thing to tell him. I'm sure he has things he hasn't told you yet.
I got sober in my early thirties and I didn't find my sobriety to be a hindrance to future dating and relationships. I wasn't in AA, like I said, I just quit - so I didn't have that to explain, I just didn't drink and I told them all the true reasons why I quit, you know:
"I don't like it anymore
It doesn't agree with me
I already drank my fair share
I hate hangovers
I don't like losing control of myself"
etc.
It doesn't have to be, "I'm an alcoholic and my life was so messed up I had to quit." I mean, if you want to tell it that way, of course that's the right thing for you, but I think once you've been quit for a while you'll see it isn't a huge deal for potential dates unless they have some alcoholism in their family or have had an alcoholic BF or GF before. At your age people are probably not too worried about it since alcohol is everywhere and everyone has seen someone who drinks too much. There is bad stuff that happens to many people in their late teens and twenties and often alcohol is involved, so don't be too hard on yourself.
This guy may just be a casual thing. Or he may be the real deal. I'm with O, if you are carrying a burden that he needs to know this then it's the right thing to tell him. I'm sure he has things he hasn't told you yet.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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I did it, you guys. I did it.
We went on a really nice date tonight to a botanical garden and got milkshakes afterwards. Somehow we got on the topic of drinking and I made an offhand joke about how I don't understand casual drinking. It got a little weird, so in the car on the way back to my place I finally just brought it up.
I said something like "I don't drink for a couple of reasons. One of which is that I was having problems with it that I didn't want to get worse. The second is that I take medication that interacts badly with alcohol so it's better to just not drink."
Then I said that on wednesdays I do go to AA meetings to keep it at the front of my life and to make sure that what I'm doing and the choices I make align with my values.
He just said okay. But not a bad one. Just like, okay, cool. And I said that it's very important to me, and I don't drink. Full stop.
So I think it went well???? Unless he's secretly freaked out and didn't tell me, but I'm glad I got it off my chest in any case. However, it didn't seem like he was freaked out. I'm so relieved to have gotten it out there. Whew.
Thanks everyone for all the advice; you made it so much easier to just go ahead and say it. So that's one step I took. If it doesn't work out because of that, at least I know that I was honest and presented myself as I am.
We went on a really nice date tonight to a botanical garden and got milkshakes afterwards. Somehow we got on the topic of drinking and I made an offhand joke about how I don't understand casual drinking. It got a little weird, so in the car on the way back to my place I finally just brought it up.
I said something like "I don't drink for a couple of reasons. One of which is that I was having problems with it that I didn't want to get worse. The second is that I take medication that interacts badly with alcohol so it's better to just not drink."
Then I said that on wednesdays I do go to AA meetings to keep it at the front of my life and to make sure that what I'm doing and the choices I make align with my values.
He just said okay. But not a bad one. Just like, okay, cool. And I said that it's very important to me, and I don't drink. Full stop.
So I think it went well???? Unless he's secretly freaked out and didn't tell me, but I'm glad I got it off my chest in any case. However, it didn't seem like he was freaked out. I'm so relieved to have gotten it out there. Whew.
Thanks everyone for all the advice; you made it so much easier to just go ahead and say it. So that's one step I took. If it doesn't work out because of that, at least I know that I was honest and presented myself as I am.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 55
Yay! Glad you went ahead and told him. It sounds like he took it well and wasn't freaked out about anything. Really, there's nothing for him to be freaked out about. You were honest with him about being sober and that you go to AA to stay that way. Now, let yourself relax a bit!
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1,602
Defo the way to go. I wouldn't worry too much that he may not have had much to say about it as you guys are only 25 after all. Those kinds of problems usually tend to surface in people's mid to late 30's and people have more experience of witnessing it and are probably better at understanding it. I really can't see it being an issue if he really likes you and has an open mind. You probably don't want to be with a closed minded person anyway so all will work out for the best regardless.
Sounds like an exciting time!
No doubt you'll keep us updated!
Sounds like an exciting time!
No doubt you'll keep us updated!
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 850
Yes, everything is still good.
Today was a good day. The zoo was slow and I was able to work on my MSW personal statement.
There are days where I don’t think about drinking
or alcohol at all, and today was one of them. If I really think about it, alcohol and alcoholism is only on my mind because I’m actively working on recovery, not because I’m trying to resist or obsessing over drinking.
It’s nice. More zoo tomorrow. My friends wanted to go to a brewery and then watch wrestling together. I will be skipping the former and joining for the latter. It gets easier and easier to say no to situations that are bad for me, and easier to say that I don’t drink. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like going to a place like a brewery again, but there’s really no need for me to go.
Anyway, just some reflecting before bed. Plugging along and feeling stable is so nice. I can’t believe I used to wake up hungover every day. Madness.
Today was a good day. The zoo was slow and I was able to work on my MSW personal statement.
There are days where I don’t think about drinking
or alcohol at all, and today was one of them. If I really think about it, alcohol and alcoholism is only on my mind because I’m actively working on recovery, not because I’m trying to resist or obsessing over drinking.
It’s nice. More zoo tomorrow. My friends wanted to go to a brewery and then watch wrestling together. I will be skipping the former and joining for the latter. It gets easier and easier to say no to situations that are bad for me, and easier to say that I don’t drink. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like going to a place like a brewery again, but there’s really no need for me to go.
Anyway, just some reflecting before bed. Plugging along and feeling stable is so nice. I can’t believe I used to wake up hungover every day. Madness.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 850
Just some thoughts this morning as I have some down time at the zoo before the day really starts.
This whole sobriety thing has been such a journey, you know. Of self exploration and self improvement. And even though I feel as though I'm doing really well, I still have times where I learn something new about myself. This sounds like an obvious sentiment, but with this new relationship and other things going on in my life I am realizing how I handle things sober.
Communication. That's the biggest thing for me, I think. I'm in constant communication with myself, how I'm thinking and feeling in response to the world around me, but it's really important to also communicate with others and ask them to communicate with me. I'm a naturally anxious person. I need reassurance for things that may not seem like a big deal. I need people to tell me how they're feeling so my mind doesn't automatically go to the next worst thing. And that's something that I need to work on as well, but if you're in any relationship with someone who refuses to communicate, it's really hard to do all the emotional lifting yourself. But you also have to be willing to reach out and ask for that reassurance, too. Can't just expect people to know what you need.
I learned that yesterday when Manfred was being really quiet and a little short with me, and I immediately went to thinking that he was gonna dump me already because of the reasons behind my sobriety. Wasn't the case. Just was out with friends. But I asked. I asked him if everything was okay and he told me what he was doing. Easy, right?
My last relationship, the guy dumped me after a really nice dinner in the parking lot of my apartment building seemingly out of nowhere. He had gotten distant over the last few days of our relationship and didn't talk to me. Didn't explain himself, nothing. So I guess I'm afraid of being blind sighted like that again. Of course I don't want to get hurt, but if I have to, it'd be nice to know when the hurt is coming or that something is wrong so I can prepare for it. I dunno. You put a lot of time and effort into someone and you hope that you get the same in return. I've found that I always seem to get ****** one way or another after sharing parts of myself with someone else, both recently and otherwise, and I need to try to curb that fear.
Life is hard, but it's also great. Being able to look at it with a clear head is the best part.
This whole sobriety thing has been such a journey, you know. Of self exploration and self improvement. And even though I feel as though I'm doing really well, I still have times where I learn something new about myself. This sounds like an obvious sentiment, but with this new relationship and other things going on in my life I am realizing how I handle things sober.
Communication. That's the biggest thing for me, I think. I'm in constant communication with myself, how I'm thinking and feeling in response to the world around me, but it's really important to also communicate with others and ask them to communicate with me. I'm a naturally anxious person. I need reassurance for things that may not seem like a big deal. I need people to tell me how they're feeling so my mind doesn't automatically go to the next worst thing. And that's something that I need to work on as well, but if you're in any relationship with someone who refuses to communicate, it's really hard to do all the emotional lifting yourself. But you also have to be willing to reach out and ask for that reassurance, too. Can't just expect people to know what you need.
I learned that yesterday when Manfred was being really quiet and a little short with me, and I immediately went to thinking that he was gonna dump me already because of the reasons behind my sobriety. Wasn't the case. Just was out with friends. But I asked. I asked him if everything was okay and he told me what he was doing. Easy, right?
My last relationship, the guy dumped me after a really nice dinner in the parking lot of my apartment building seemingly out of nowhere. He had gotten distant over the last few days of our relationship and didn't talk to me. Didn't explain himself, nothing. So I guess I'm afraid of being blind sighted like that again. Of course I don't want to get hurt, but if I have to, it'd be nice to know when the hurt is coming or that something is wrong so I can prepare for it. I dunno. You put a lot of time and effort into someone and you hope that you get the same in return. I've found that I always seem to get ****** one way or another after sharing parts of myself with someone else, both recently and otherwise, and I need to try to curb that fear.
Life is hard, but it's also great. Being able to look at it with a clear head is the best part.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
It's gonna take Manfred a little time to process the drinking thing. He may not have been overtly worried about it and I don't know if it will turn out to be a dealbreaker for him or not - but that's what dating is about; disclosing and deciding, observing and judging. We all do it, no way not to.
As far as breakups: I've been through a lot of them, it's usually my idea and it is usually after several months. I find things that I'm not willing to live with, and that's certainly up to each individual. I tend to do like your other BF did, I do the slow fade for a while while I'm thinking about it and trying to decide what is the right thing for me - and then I just break up. There really isn't a whole lot of closure for either person. It just isn't right at that time for any and all reason(s.)
Dating is hard. I'd let him make the next move/text/call.
As far as breakups: I've been through a lot of them, it's usually my idea and it is usually after several months. I find things that I'm not willing to live with, and that's certainly up to each individual. I tend to do like your other BF did, I do the slow fade for a while while I'm thinking about it and trying to decide what is the right thing for me - and then I just break up. There really isn't a whole lot of closure for either person. It just isn't right at that time for any and all reason(s.)
Dating is hard. I'd let him make the next move/text/call.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 55
Sigh. Dpac, I can so relate. I was seeing a man who essentially ghosted me. I just typed out a whole response but deleted it because I want to keep some anonymity and not overshare. At any any rate, it's very painful to have something end without an explanation. I had none, just a planned date and then zero contact. It would've been easier to deal with if I was just given a damn explanation. There was no closure. Then, mostly out of loneliness, I contacted him months later. That led to some back and forth, but still no closure. What a waste of time.
So, I too, am wary of anything new. I haven't dated anyone else since and I fear I will be even more cautious with the next guy. I don't date a lot and have always tended to be cautious...it's self preservation. I cared for this guy and it hurts to think he really didn't care so much for me. I think he did to an extent, but in the back of my mind I think it's really just because he wanted sex with SOMEONE, not that he wanted a real relationship/sex/anything with ME. I think he wanted convenience and no strings, neither of which work for me.
Sorry for the long post, but that was all just to say I totally understand where you are coming from. I think we all fear rejection. But the only way we can move forward is by moving forward. You are doing that with your nice gentlemen.
~Peaches
P.S. I guess it's a guy thing, but short or one word texts drive me crazy! Do men realize how much women read into that??
So, I too, am wary of anything new. I haven't dated anyone else since and I fear I will be even more cautious with the next guy. I don't date a lot and have always tended to be cautious...it's self preservation. I cared for this guy and it hurts to think he really didn't care so much for me. I think he did to an extent, but in the back of my mind I think it's really just because he wanted sex with SOMEONE, not that he wanted a real relationship/sex/anything with ME. I think he wanted convenience and no strings, neither of which work for me.
Sorry for the long post, but that was all just to say I totally understand where you are coming from. I think we all fear rejection. But the only way we can move forward is by moving forward. You are doing that with your nice gentlemen.
~Peaches
P.S. I guess it's a guy thing, but short or one word texts drive me crazy! Do men realize how much women read into that??
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