FLGator

Hi Guys,

My heart really goes out to you. I have been reading the posts and there are some really courageous people out there.

I wanted to tell my story and see what you think.

I think I may be an alcoholic and have been searching for a definition of what makes you an alcoholic. Well honestly, I have been searching for a definition that makes me not an alcoholic (denial).

I have always considered myself a social drinker. But as of late, I find that I am drinking more, more often. In college I drank myself sick at least 1-2 days a week, but now I don't get sick, I just pass out and don't remember everything from the night before.

I also act really weird. I don't understand what makes me act so strange when I drink. I see some people who are drunk and high and they are just there. Not me. I say incredibly inappropriate things to people and do really stupid things.

I don't crave alcohol, I don't go on binges. My thing is that once I start drinking, I can't seem to stop. Happy Hour? Forget it. Who can drink just one or two drinks. I feel like if I could just changes this one behavior, I would be ok.

I have taken the tests and questionnaires and most say you MAY be an alcoholic.

Any advice would be most appreciated.

Pernell Johnson

Flgator welcome to the recovery forum. I am saying to myself, imagine here you are asking this question and I just finished writing about this on the NA thread. Stop over there and read it. That may clarify for if you are an alcoholic. Come back. let's talk.


Just for Today-----------I am Sober

Patsyd1

Hi FLGator,

"My thing is that once I start drinking, I can't seem to stop."

That statement says it all for me Gator.... once I put one drop of alcohol in my system..... all bets where off. I would continue to drink until I drunk, sick and out of control.

There was a time when I could actually go out once every other month and have a few drinks and go home.

At some point in my 17 years of drinking..... and it was slow, progressive and insidious.... but at some point I crossed the line.
I had no idea that I had crossed the line at all..... I thought I was JUST HAVING FUN..... until I had a very good reason to stop ... and found that the obsession with drinking was driving me nuts.... and ofcourse it would drive me to take that one drink that would bring me to being drunk, sick and out of control.

This was a repeat process for alot of years..... until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous....and I was given the solution

God Bless ya Gator and I would suggest going to AA meetings.... and making up your own mind about whether you are alcoholic or not.

Yours in Recovery,
Patsy

Don W

Hi FLGator, Welcome to the site. The question of being an alcoholic needs to be answered by yourself. Pernell has some good information over on the NA board. However, I can identify with much of your story and I am an alcoholic. It sounds like you are identifing with the post you are reading. We are here to help each other so, if you decide you have a problem you'll find support on this site. Good luck. Don W

Jerry

Hello Gator: I don't think there is much doubt, Your an alcoholic if ever I've heard one. But my opinion doesn't count; and neither does anyone elses. You have to decide if you are an alcoholic or not. And then you have to decide what your going to do about it.

There is a way to find out for sure if you are an alcoholic, and its described in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It basically says to try some controlled drinking. Have two or three drinks and then stop for the rest of the day. If that works try it again tomorrow.

If this kind of controlled drinking doesn't trigger an endless round of drinking and drunkenness, then you aren't an alcoholic. But if you cant stop after you start drinking, then you have your answer. Then you will know the truth about yourself, or just one of the truths about yourself.

FLGator

Hi Guys,

Thanks for all the input. From reading your replies and from Pernell's posts on NA, I think I have a preliminary answer.

I think I may be more in the category of alcohol abuser, but at the rate I am going will probably end up an alcoholic if I don't get some help. I say abuser only because I don't have the physical cravings that I have read about, at least not yet.

I just wish I could figure out how I got here. From the very first time I took a drink, I drank till I was drunk and vomiting.

Although I am drinking more often now and not getting sloppy drunk everytime,I do still have the 1-4 times a month that I get pretty sloppy.

In the past I could say, I don't drink very often, but when I do, watch out. Now It has progressed to I drink often and only get sloshed 25% of the time.

To sum it up, I think that If I don't find a way to control my behavior, in 2 years I will be coming back here and saying, "I drink every day till I am drunk." I don't want to do this.

How long did it take you to get up the courage to go to an AA meeting? That's my next step.

-Gator

Patsyd1

Hi Gator,

When I hit bottom, I had done something so bizarre that I knew whatever was happening.... wasn't me. I had left my own daughters baby Christening, and instead of going back to the house where all the guest were going, I decided to continue to drink and drug the way I wanted to.... and didn't come home until 7:30 a.m. I was at my girlfriends house the whole time drinking and drugging. When I took a look at what I had just done.... there was no way of dealing with the guilt, the feelings of being a rotten mother, and I looked at my girlfriend and told her that I believed that I was an alcoholic. Her brother came and took me to my first AA meeting. I have been sober ever since.

What I have learned is that its not how much I drink, or how often I drink.... its what it does to me WHEN I drink. When I would pick up one drink, I could not predict with any certainty what would happen. What time I would go home. When or if I would stop drinking. Alcohol called all the shots in my life...WHEN I picked up the first drink.

The obsession was with me constantly.... (this disease centers in the mind)..... I never experienced the physical cravings until I put the first drink into my body. It didn't seem to be a physical thing in my case either Gator...... I just knew when I picked up the first drink of alcohol..... there was no way that I could consistantly predict when I would stop drinking ..... or what would happen, or where I would end up.

At the end of my drinking I had the gift of desperation.... and I am so grateful that I did. I just wasn't capable of being honest with myself until that last day of drinking. That did it. I knew in my heart that there was something very very wrong with me and for the first time ever I didn't make my famous excuses for what I had done, or blame someone else for what I had done. I KNEW in my heart and in my mind that something was terribly wrong.... I just didn't know what it was or what to do about it, until my girlfriends brother, who was 5 years sober then, offered to take me to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting..... and for the first time in my denial and in my life..... I knew I needed help and I accepted his offer to take me to an AA meeting.

Did I get it right away.... No
Did I stop drinking ... Yes
Did I keep coming... Yes

The amazing thing for me was that from my very first AA meeting.... I felt as if I was home. I took the suggestions from those who came before me ... and I didn't drink, I got a sponsor, I sat and listened, and I didn't compare.

I am so grateful for that gift of desperation...... however I learned that I could have gotten off the alcoholic elevator that was spiraling downward and out of control..... any time I chose to.

I chose to

You know I had this weird idea about AA meetings. I thought that those who went to those meetings must be the bowery type, the dirty and homeless type of alcoholic. I thought perhaps they just sat around and convinced each other not to drink somehow.

I was wrong.
At AA meetings there are some of the most loving and wonderful people I have ever met. And yes there were some who were homeless alkies before reaching AA.
The man who took me to my first AA meeting.... came and picked me up. He was the picture of what I would think normal is LOL

Turns out that before he came to AA meetings.... he was homeless and eating out of dumpsters. I couldn't believe it.... I was looking at my girlfriends brother and I just couldn't believe that this person took the elevator all the way down. He told me that he didn't take the elevator all the way down.... because all the way down is an alcoholic who dies from this disease and is buried 6ft under..... he got off the elevator right when he was suppose to and not one minute sooner.

I know for myself that I had to do what I had to do to get here.... and I got here right when I was suppose to.... and not one minute sooner

I have alot of gratitude in my heart for AA, the 12 Steps and everyone of you people who helped me to become a woman of honor, and dignity. Thank you ... one and all.

Yours in Recovery,
Patsy

CarolD

:shades: Try calling
703-281-7501 and asking for help.

OR...keep drinking until you wind up in hospitals and jails and locked wards in the nut house.

I strongly suggest you opt for the call.

Paulie

Gator -

Someone said to me once -

"If you have to ask, you probably are"

Something to think about. My advice, hit a meeting, it couldn't hurt.