Cathy31

I've been reading these boards for a number of weeks now, and I am always amazed at the generosity of all of you, whom I feel I know quite well now, even though I have been quiet.


I am 31 years old, pretty well educated (I finished a Masters Degree last year), good job (HR Manager) and I am an alcoholic. It was actually reading these boards that helped me to realise that no, it's not just that I binge drink, it's not 'just' that I don't know when to stop, it's not 'just' that I become obnoxious and cruel when I am drunk, it's 'just' that I am an alcoholic.

I have run out of excuses to give at work for my ever increasing lateness and absence. My husband is desperate. He drinks, but can handle it - ie takes it or leaves it.

I used to be like that, but now 3 times a week BLIND DRUNK BLACKOUTS is the minimum and I CRAVE alcohol.

I know that I cannot do it on my own, so tonight I am going to my first meeting. I am quite scared and nervous and a bit anxious because though I have the address, I don't know exactly where it is, I am going to drive into town now and find it.

I kept on wanting to contribute to SR, and go to AA, but I thought you have to hit ROCK BOTTOM first. Well last night was close enough. (It's now about 4pm where I am, have been awake a long, hellish, guilt ridden time)

In fact 10 years ago almost to the day I had a serious car accident - the car was written off, I went through windscreen which had luckily shattered, and only broke a couple of bones. I could have died and yet last night I was driving again - not blind drunk, but I definitely think over the limit.

I have such a good life in so many ways, I don't know, I honestly don't know why I do this to myself? Is it like deep down I really hate myself and want to destroy myself with alcohol??

Why?? It reminds me of IMHOMERSIMPSONS recent post...he was feeling that everyong was congratulating him and he was just going yeah yeah...well this past week I have been heaped with a whole bunch of work successes and I just felt like going yeah yeah whatever, as if I don't deserve it.

I will keep you all posted as to how I get on - I know it's going to be my turning point, and I am so amazed and heartened at how AA has transformed so many of your lives. I hope I can be one too.

Thanks for listening.

Cathy

Dan

Welcome Cathy.
I suppose you've learned the meaning of the phrase one alcoholic helping another simply by reading here.
Let me thank you for adding another link to the support chain that is SoberRecovery.

And I'm glad you decided to climb on here, as well as seeking out a meeting. Many of us have that idea that we need to reach rock bottom in order to get help.
Whether you did or not is for you to decide, and for you to act upon.
What really counts is that you've decided to take action, before it's too late.

Thank you for posting.
It helped me today, remember why I cherish sobriety now.

Cathy31

Thank you Dan, it's a great place to be able to come to and people are so generous with one another.

I know what you mean about rock bottom...I kept thinking that too...then I thought this morning, so what I am waiting for - to lose everything and then catch a wake up!! Or thank God I still have a job and a husband and friends ( I have lost many over the years through my alcoholism) and start doing something TODAY about the shame and self loathing.

Thanks again, Dan!

Cathy

Chy

Welcome Cathy!
I think sometime its hard for us women to get to the point of acceptance, socially its still not lady like to be a lady drunk. The good news and fact is there are those of us that end up that way and we don't have to do it alone. In desperation we continue, not knowing what to do, how to go about asking for help, and one day gratefully we just wake up and ask.

Good luck tonight at your meeting, let us know how it goes, get phone numbers, don't feel obligated to share unless you want, and just listen. Make sure you ask for a Big Book if you don't have one. Read the first 164 pages to see how we do it. *hugs*

Chy

I think we could be twins! *LOL* Same story. PM me if you have any questions I can help with! You ARE doing the right thing.

Cathy31

Thanks Chy, I read your story a couple of days ago and it really made a big impact on me - you're one special lady! Thanks for the support, I am a bit scared (never am scared knocking back the wine, or having to buy MORE when I am clearly drunk) but this which is a good thing is a bit scary. I am leaving now to do my reconnaisance in the town to find the place! It's being held in the community mental health hall, so if my secret's not out already, it will be then!
thank you again, Chy!
Cathy

Cathy31

"I think we could be twins! *LOL* Same story."

I thought exactly that too when I read your story!!

Chy

*LOL*, it's natural to be scared. We all were the first day we walked in. You'll quickly realize your amongst family.... and Cathy if you cry all the way home, that's normal too! *hugs*. I'm very excited for you, I hope it's a good meeting for you. Now no stopping in the parking lot just to look, you have to get out of the car and walk in too. I'll be with you in spirit, be strong!

Dan

Yes indeed!
Getting out of the car really helps!
This is a great night for you Cathy.
After you park the car, park your ego as well and listen to the folks.
Odds are you'll come out of the meeting with a new hope in your heart.
In Spirit, Chy said.
So very true, about this fellowship.

Connie

Hi Cathy

Good for you.

The ROCK BOTTOM stuff had me confused for some time about my alcoholism. No major horror story to share, like the ones I heard in AA, and I began to have my doubts that I belonged there. All I had to do was ask myself two questions:

1. Did I want to go back to my old life?
2. Could I achieve sobriety without AA?

I knew the answer to both questions was NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just sharing this in case your disease begins to talk to you like mine did. Turn a deaf ear.

Good luck and congratulations on your decision. It's a beautiful gift to give to yourself.

Cathy31

Thanks so much you guys!! Of course, the place isn't listed wouldn't you know it, so had to phone the Health Board and talk to superior sounding person - thought I might just get directions over the phone! But I am not deterred, I just thought I would check in before I chicken out and thanks to you guys, I won't be chickening out!!

I'm leaving now to find the place (in Ireland it's not as simple as just getting out a map book?!) and then I am going to the gym and the meeting is at 8.30pm my time...I will check in when I get back, ok!

Thanks for all your support, it means so, so much!

Cathy
xxx

NoMoBeer

I believe we are all right where we are supposed to be! For you that's here on SR, and maybe AA. Give it a shot, it gets more familiar as time goes on. There are alot of us "AA" folks on the board, so ask away with questions.

Oh yeah, I'm Ken -- I'm an alcoholic (and a black out drinker, with a 'very high' bottom -- just like you).

Get yourself a Big Book and the 12 & 12 (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions).

Read the First Step in the 12/12 -- it talks about us drunks with a high bottom, we don't have to lose it all before we get help. THANK GOD!

Keep it up, and stay in touch with our SR family!

Ken

Cathy31

Thanks Ken, you are absolutely right! I have been reading your posts so I feel like I know you already! I eventually found the place...I had to get out of car about 4 times to ask for directions (talk about today being about asking for help!!!) then I drove down the laneway twice...and saw nothing! I tried it a 3rd time - and you konw why, I thought what will I say to my SR people...oh, I gave up after 2 attempts, it sounded and was pathetic! So, I drove down a third time and was getting near the end of the lane and I stopped my car and just put my head in my hands and thought, what now!?! Next thing I happened to look to the left (I swear, it was like my eyes were GUIDED there - remember, it's pitch dark here in Europe at 5pm!) and what do you think I saw!
This bright red door with Morton St Day Centre (the place) written on it!
Blessed, huh!
Thanks again for thinking of me and sending me the good wishes, Ken.
Good luck!
Cathy
xxx

NoMoBeer

God Shot!

Chy

God Shot indeed! So did ya go in? *LOL*.. to funny I had the same experiance, trying to find mine, drove up and down, and around, on the way home and wham, there it was, was 10 minutes late, but I went in shaking like a leaf.

Cathy31

Hi Chy
Very down...posted another thread re the disaster! The venue was totally wrong and dark and padlocked and no one there! I sat waiting for half an hour not one soul came and no lights came on! I feel so deflated!!!!! I was so up for it!
I know I must just move on and drive out any silly thoughts of one last binge!! Disgusted I can even THINK that!! But main part of brain, is still committed, but so disappointed!
Thanks for checking in - when it really DOES happen I will let you know!
Cathy
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Chy

It was simply just not meant to be today then. Your thinking is normal, your an alcoholic, of course we think about that one last binge, thinking and acting upon it are two different things. Don't be hard on yourself k? What your going through, we've all gone through. Try again tomorrow okay? Have a good night!

Brookie

Hi Cathy - Just wanted to add my belated welcome. Sorry the meeting didn't work out today, but tomorrow sounds like it will be your day.

Best,
Joe

2dayzmuse

Hi Cathy, you gave it a shot. Taking the first step in recovery is a huge accomplishment. Tomorrow is a brand new day. You have another shot at it. Keep us posted on your progress and never give up the fight. You're worth it.

LeAnne

Cathy31

Thanks chy, and thanks lee-anne and joe, I feel so blessed to have discovered this place! It means so much to be able to share, thank you again! I am now off to bed! Waking up tomorrow with no hangover! I have an early morning meeting, so I'll be driving off at 7am clear head, wide awake, appreciating nature, etc! YIPPEE!!!

Thanks you guys!

Cathy
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