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Old 09-11-2019, 06:13 AM   #321 (permalink)
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Slept til 4, got up and went back to bed. Slept til 6, back to bed. Woke up at 830! I think it's time to cut the trazodone in half and see if that helps with this sleepiness. Missed the garbage pickup, but seeing as it's just me in this house and I'm free of the detritus of drinking (take-out containers, overflow from recycling on bottles), that's not really an issue.

This morning I'm grateful for the comprehension that the foundation needs to be fully in place; that's my job right now. I have faith if I keep doing the mundane things and adjusting the balance as needed, contentment will follow.

Physically: Just a bit itchy, just a bit lazy
Mentally: Resolved
Emotionally: Stable
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Old 09-11-2019, 04:39 PM   #322 (permalink)
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I have to get on a call at 2:30am, so just a quick check in to say all is well.

Flips, I hope you're feeling better today.
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Old 09-11-2019, 11:46 PM   #323 (permalink)
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A call at 230 am sounds like my life!
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Old 09-12-2019, 03:34 AM   #324 (permalink)
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Yeah, it's all glam in my life, Drops! There's not much that can beat the sheer thrill of having 20 people from various software application teams up in the middle of the night to do redundant testing. One of these days I'll be in charge of the world and able to address these things. In the meantime, I'll be grateful that I can do this part from home.

Either cutting the dose of trazodone in half or curtailing my sleep to just 6 hours did the trick. I'm feeling wide awake and ready to go. But I planned this week poorly! I should have counted on about a 12-hour workday today and cut back on my time earlier in the week. So I'm in the weird but not unwelcome spot of taking a 4 hour break before going in to work.

Found some alcohol-free deodorant at the grocery store last night. I'm thinking perhaps such a thing doesn't exist for hair conditioner, but I'll use some of my bonus time to check out the website you suggested, Flips.

Physically: Feeling well; the thigh muscle is all better now. Just in time for my next training session Saturday!
Mentally: Agile. There's a lot of stuff to cram into any given day, but my paper planner is keeping me sane.
Emotionally: Neutral, leaning toward optimism. I'm really pleased that I'm not having any drinking thoughts, but my current state feels more like being in limbo rather than moving forward. I think I'm doing all the right things and waiting for my mind to catch up.
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Old 09-13-2019, 04:57 AM   #325 (permalink)
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Got a letter yesterday informing me that the last date of my disability is two weeks from today and inviting me to apply for an extension if needed. I've no idea today if I'll be ready to go back to 40 hours then. I'll talk this over with my therapist tomorrow. At the moment, I feel like extending, but also want to be sure it's legitimate and I'm not somehow slacking. I feel some self-imposed guilt that I haven't been to a meeting in the last several days; completely unsure whether that's warranted or not.

I am sure that halving the trazodone was exactly the right move. What a difference! It was mighty nice to wake up without an alarm today and simply get out of bed with no hesitation. I feel hope that I might actually accomplish something this weekend. That would be a welcome switch.

Started working on step 4 (again) yesterday and was surprised that my inventory included more self-seeking than anything else. Who else would be surprised by that? Probably nobody! I made a little smiley-face there, but really feel a great deal of shame over that. What a maddening circle.

I'm off to IOP for my intake this afternoon. I know the structure that I think is needed, but am willing to be convinced otherwise. The counselor I think/hope I'll be working with knows me fairly well and I trust he will do as best he can to support me. Breathalyzer is due on my doorstep today so I'll be able to transfer daily antabuse check-ins to my sponsor and follow through on random requests to blow from middlest.

The beast is hovering over in the corner, trying to use my AV to cast doubt over all of these forward-thinking plans. IT thinks it knows better than I do, but I know that this is the right path for me. I hesitated to acknowledge it's presence, but there it is. Better to notice and dismiss it than to push it aside. Pushing takes active engagement, disregarding takes none.
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Old 09-13-2019, 12:39 PM   #326 (permalink)
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Hey O

I'm better. Thanks for thinking of me. Staring into the black hole that is my life. Haha. That sounds so depressing...not really intended that way. I can just do anything or nothing or everything. And instead I'm sitting here, at my kitchen table, pondering shampooing the carpet in the living room.

2:30am call would make me very angry. I used to have to calls with China in the middle of the night. Oh man. I had to run them, and negotiate with them (the Chinese are some of the finest/toughest negotiators in the world....they are America's match in that regard) and I would get so impatient I would just hang up. Ha! Man or man.

Ok so question for all you experienced and brilliant people. I applied for a job online with my target company through their site (not Linked in or Indeed etc). 2 days later that job disappears. My application shows active, but the job is gone. Ok. I think, they must have hired internally or they are tweaking the job itself. So I apply for the less desired, but still fine, second job. App accepted, shows active. Then I have my stress freak out on Tuesday. So I don't check the portal Wednesday. I check yesterday and a third job has popped up on my dashboard asking me to complete the application? Weird. So I check it out, it appears to be similar to the first job that disappeared, but with a different ID etc. So I complete the application, because its a fit. Now there are 3 active apps. Ok here's my question: Wouldn't an HR person or someone have to interface with my dashboard to 1/2 apply for that job and have it post to my dashboard? I mean, if it were a seamless thing, a software thing, wouldn't the job ID be the same? I guess I'm grasping at straws here but I'm hoping this means an actual human had to post that 3rd incomplete application? But isn't that a little weird? Or what? WHAT? Hahahaha.

Sigh. Pining for the old days. When people talked, resumes were read, phone calls were answered. Or you could even call in to an actual human. The old days.

O you sound good. You are doing amazing. Keep it up and keep posting.
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Old 09-13-2019, 07:38 PM   #327 (permalink)
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Went to IOP and started this evening. Called ATS and left a message to please discharge me. It's all good, but I'm beat. More tomorrow.

Flips, thanks. And I think yes a human did the dashboard thing... let's go with that.
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Old 09-14-2019, 06:55 AM   #328 (permalink)
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Hey O

I'm sorry you are so tired. No wonder. You've really hit a fast pace, so much going on. I hope you can relax a bit today. Do something nice for you. We have those kinda cheapy foot massage/reflexology places around here. For like 27 bucks ya get a 45 minute treatment. Maybe check one out. I dunno. Something to just relax and let someone else pamper you a bit.

Yeah, lets just go with a human interfacing with my dashboard. Ha! I'm UP and I'm DOWN. This weekend I'm making my big 'plan'...mapping this process out so I don't feel like I'm just applying willy nilly if that makes sense.

Hope you have a nice day! Off to spin and yoga.
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Old 09-14-2019, 08:13 AM   #329 (permalink)
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It does make sense, Flips. I think it's good that you got a start; good way to sort of launch yourself into a spot where you decide to get some focus involved. As to whether to shampoo the carpet, my vote is "yes!" It sounds doable, it's visible, and it will feel good to have done something. (Says the woman who hasn't vacuumed in a month.)

I'm actually feeling quite a bit better since cutting down on the trazodone. Yesterday was just longggg. Went to work at 10, did the intake thing at IOP at 3, then was in group from 530-830, so didn't get home until 930ish. It felt good to quite ATS, and it felt right to be back at IOP. My favorite counselor will be my case manager and though we haggled about it a bit, we settled on a plan that's acceptable. Three nights/week for 2 weeks, then two nights/week for 2 weeks, then one week where I transition into Continuing Care (CC). I tried to get out of the last hour of "education," but that was a no-go. However, they've introduced some new stuff like acupuncture/meditation one night and on Fridays its now either AA or Refuge Recovery (actually Dharma Recovery because there was a schism, but same thing).

There's also been a shift in tone that I like a lot. Less emphasis on AA, more on building a program that works for you as an individual.

Whoops, time flies! I'm off to the gym now. Hopefully this anxiety I've been carrying with me all day will dissipate after that.

To be continued...
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Old 09-14-2019, 11:28 AM   #330 (permalink)
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I find exercise to be the best anxiety medication by far. I just did spin then yoga and it was awesome. I would usually walk my dog a few miles but I'm actually kinda tired. I think I'm starting to feel my age. Sucks. But I'll continue on with shampooing my yucky carpets. On to my room.

I have a dog and a cat so if I didn't vacuum I'd choke on fur! And I also find vacuuming very meditative. Yeah, I'm weird.

Its amazing that you are really doing the deal O...all the IOP and meetings. Very dedicated. And very cool that they aren't just preaching 12 step, for a bunch of money. I think rehabs and IOP's should offer a little more, or at least something different, for the stunning prices they charge. But ya know, I'm so glad these places are here for us. No doubt rehab saved my life. If for no other reason than it kept me safe from myself.

Have a great day!
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Old Yesterday, 04:52 AM   #331 (permalink)
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O, Iím very much liking your thread vibes! Busy, focused, controlled, progress. Full steam ahead, O!
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Old Yesterday, 05:49 AM   #332 (permalink)
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Thanks for the bolstering, you guys. I'm actually feeling troubled/guilty over having slept all afternoon, evening and night. There are three cats in this house, Flips. I definitely ought to vacuum, especially the litter they've kicked out of the boxes. It irritates me, but for some reason the ten minutes it would take to do that is just too much for me to be bothered. Stupid. I did change the sheets on my bed and have started a load of laundry, so bully for me.

Workout with Cierra was good - challenging but completely doable. She was very easy to be around. Arien greeted me and sent me along when I was done - he seems to be a sincerely good guy with a love for this work. Cierra said "Ideally you'd do 30 minutes of cardio now," but I didn't do that - for no reason whatsoever. When I got home, I was feeling like some kinks needed working out, so went for a moderate walk in my neighborhood. I've been reminding myself not to hold onto hand rails when walking the steps; every little bit helps, eh.

Looked at my schedule today and realized that the days I scheduled with Cierra for next week are totally not going to work, so I'll call her to reschedule Monday. It's a little complicated juggling all of this, but it can be done. Pretty sure it would be best to continue at 30 hours/wk at work into October. At the end of next month, I'll be down to 1 day/week at IOP, so that seems like the right time. Then I can think about working EMDR into the mix.

There was a woman in group on Friday who is moving on to Continuing Care. I really liked her and hope I land in the same group as she does when I complete the more intensive program. The problem she was in IOP to address was drinking, but she'd been informed by her counselor that she'd also need to refrain from smoking "blacks" (what is that? some form of weed I think) when in treatment. So she'd been looking forward to completing the program and celebrating by smoking that night. The day prior, her case worker disabused her of that notion and said she was expected to abstain for the next 70 weeks with the goal of forever This woman was totally cool about this, but also knocked off balance. Her willingness to be compliant was really admirable, as was her very frank admission that she was already in the relapse cycle because she'd been planning out her smoking celebration. I was very impressed.

The last hour of IOP we had a choice between AA and education. I chose AA and was pleased that the guy who used to secretary/chair the meeting was no longer there. He acted too much like a guru; not the way it's supposed to be. The speaker was clearly full of himself and readily admitted it. He told his story of what happened by describing a true spiritual experience. He reminded me of my younger brother - too smart for his own good and a wise-ass too. I thought (affectionately), "Yeah, you probably needed the bright light." I enjoyed hearing how the program had changed the way he lives his life. Subsequent to that, no fewer than three others shared about their spiritual experiences, all of which were quite striking. I felt like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz after her friends got their gifts from the wizard - "I don't think there's anything in that black bag for me," and that's ok. I don't need a burning bush; it's not exactly my style.

Physically: Minimal itchiness! Looking forward to future work-outs.
Mentally: Organized
Emotionally: Solitary but not excluded
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Old Yesterday, 10:31 AM   #333 (permalink)
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Hi O!

That's right. I knew you had cats, but spaced it. My cat monster. I love him but I think he's my last kitty. He's indoor outdoor, mostly indoor, so no mess from him really but the occasional barf and tufts of hair (he's largely a coon so HUGE coat). I shave him every spring so about now he's starting to really fluff up. Nasty critter, my cat. But I loves him.

I have to get surgery on the 24th. I'm not scared or anything. Just irritated by the whole cancer kerfuffle. My daughter is going to spend the night and take me in at 530am....that should be fun. Couple days of recovery and I'll be fine.

Ugh. Whatever.

Happy Sunday.
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Old Yesterday, 10:46 AM   #334 (permalink)
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Kerfluffle, what kerfluffle? Did I miss something recently? Day surgery or inpatient?
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Old Yesterday, 10:50 AM   #335 (permalink)
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Haha. I just mean the whole thing is just stupid and feels like spilled milk or something. Hard to articulate.

No its outpatient. Shouldn't be a big deal. Just a pain in the azz.
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Old Yesterday, 11:22 AM   #336 (permalink)
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Gotta keep mopping up the milk to avoid that moldy smell!
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Old Today, 04:02 AM   #337 (permalink)
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Up and atom, nuclear girl!
No idea where that levity came from, but I thought I'd share.

Meeting last night was about step 2. The guy said it took him 14 years (!) to get that. Dang. I settled on "Came to believe," and am fine with Fr Martin's chalk talk that breaks this down into showing up and being open-minded. I have some trouble with the "restore us to sanity" bit because like the "lives had become unmanageable," both phrases implicitly say I've got something in my past to retrieve. That's ok - this is where the "suggested" part comes in. And to paraphrase, I think this is the proper use of suggestion. The words don't have to describe my precise situation; I can take the gist of it and work with that. Anyhow, I was uncomfortable - sweaty and just generally feeling blech, so I left the moment the meeting was finished - skipping the Lord's Prayer. I feel a bit "bad" about that, but I think maybe that feeling is a remnant of Catholic guilt. Maybe.

I believe I'm done writing my 4th step.

Physically: headache, right thigh is sore this time.
Mentally: unprepared for this day - but I've got time so pick up the scattered pieces as I drive to therapy
Emotionally: (this is always the hardest one for me to identify) satisfied, determined with a sprinkling of jaw-clenching mixed in

7 weeks in the bag.
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