Oh Well Part 2
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 675
Thanks for your reply fini. I understand the concept, I guess I just see it as a condition which as long as it remains in remission, does nothing to add to or take away from my identity. One could make the argument that the "underlying issues" and maladaptive coping mechanisms are a part of me, but then again those things have nothing to do with alcohol at their core imo. Then there’s also the factor that I’m “young”, that my drinking followed relatively “normal” (or at least passable as that) patterns until experiencing physical abuse/trauma in a relationship (which I then stayed in) at age 22 which is when I crossed that line of no return.. and that I then quit at 26 and don’t intend to let it define or influence the rest of my life.
But I’m very aware of my propensity towards addiction and its ability to shape shift. My first DOC was actually weed as a teenager but I “grew out of that” in a year or so. Then in addition to drinking was fond of adderall and later coke on and off. My friend I talk about here started out the gate as a severe alcoholic.. it was all day every day drinking for close to a decade, he wanted nothing else (and was enabled by his mom who gave him a place to live and a gov paid job taking care of his disabled sister). Until one day he switched to meth, and lost all interest in drinking.
So I don’t actually buy the AA perspective on that, or on different “types” of alcoholics. No translation is possible imo.
Anyway, congrats on one month O! Definitely celebrate but also be weary of the milestones, the AV loves to capitalize on those in any way it can during the whole first year in my experience..
But I’m very aware of my propensity towards addiction and its ability to shape shift. My first DOC was actually weed as a teenager but I “grew out of that” in a year or so. Then in addition to drinking was fond of adderall and later coke on and off. My friend I talk about here started out the gate as a severe alcoholic.. it was all day every day drinking for close to a decade, he wanted nothing else (and was enabled by his mom who gave him a place to live and a gov paid job taking care of his disabled sister). Until one day he switched to meth, and lost all interest in drinking.
So I don’t actually buy the AA perspective on that, or on different “types” of alcoholics. No translation is possible imo.
Anyway, congrats on one month O! Definitely celebrate but also be weary of the milestones, the AV loves to capitalize on those in any way it can during the whole first year in my experience..
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Semantics are usually very important to me, but not in the case of identifying as a person who struggles/struggled with substance abuse. I'm perfectly fine with, " I'm an alcoholic, in recovery, in remission, alcohol is my problem, I am powerless over alcohol, PHormer Drunk," or any other way I've heard people describe themselves or their condition. As fini alludes to, this can be a deeply personal decision, particularly for those who care about the semantics. It's not up to me to decide what fits for another person.
It has always seemed to me that every person on this planet has an inner spiritual being. And every person on this planet could benefit themselves and others by deliberately facing their shortcomings; practicing acceptance, honesty and integrity. I believe that what some people see as "the condition of alcoholism" is really "the condition of being human." Those of us who find ourselves addicted to a substance have a distinctive or exaggerated physiological/psychological response to the substance, but that doesn't mean that our "character defects" are unique from people who have never been addicted to a substance. However. It does make sense that people who are dealing with their shortcomings find solace identifying with others who've followed a similar maladaptive approach to their struggles with the condition of being human.
This may change, but at the moment I identify as an alcoholic, a person who has suffered in the past with the condition of alcoholism, and with a pretty significant need to deal with the challenge of being human.
That all feels like a very intellectual way to describe what can't really be defined, but I'll leave it there because I "think" that's the way I "feel."
It has always seemed to me that every person on this planet has an inner spiritual being. And every person on this planet could benefit themselves and others by deliberately facing their shortcomings; practicing acceptance, honesty and integrity. I believe that what some people see as "the condition of alcoholism" is really "the condition of being human." Those of us who find ourselves addicted to a substance have a distinctive or exaggerated physiological/psychological response to the substance, but that doesn't mean that our "character defects" are unique from people who have never been addicted to a substance. However. It does make sense that people who are dealing with their shortcomings find solace identifying with others who've followed a similar maladaptive approach to their struggles with the condition of being human.
This may change, but at the moment I identify as an alcoholic, a person who has suffered in the past with the condition of alcoholism, and with a pretty significant need to deal with the challenge of being human.
That all feels like a very intellectual way to describe what can't really be defined, but I'll leave it there because I "think" that's the way I "feel."
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Ooops, I didn't mean to lie but I made a mistake - the counselor last night was only 10 minutes late, not 20. Still, it seems ironic to me that patients who enter the room more than 5 minutes late supposedly get a demerit, but I've only been to one group thus far that started on time.
After work today, I head to the gym to meet with Arien, a meeting which will most certainly include a pitch for ongoing personal training. I might just do that - we'll see.
So so glad it's Friday - it's been a long week.
More glad that I've no thought that drinking is an option.
After work today, I head to the gym to meet with Arien, a meeting which will most certainly include a pitch for ongoing personal training. I might just do that - we'll see.
So so glad it's Friday - it's been a long week.
More glad that I've no thought that drinking is an option.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Just checked my email, and no joke - this is what I found. It's among the Top 3 of what I like most about all y'all:
SEPTEMBER 6
A.A. Thought for the Day
Another of the mottoes of A.A. is “Live and Let Live.” This, of course, means tolerance of people who think differently than we do, whether they are in A.A. or outside of A.A. We cannot afford the luxury of being intolerant or critical of other people. We do not try to impose our wills on those who differ from us. We are not “holier than thou.” We do not have all the answers. We are not better than other good people. We live the best way we can and we allow others to do likewise.
Quoted from the book 24 Hours a Day
SEPTEMBER 6
A.A. Thought for the Day
Another of the mottoes of A.A. is “Live and Let Live.” This, of course, means tolerance of people who think differently than we do, whether they are in A.A. or outside of A.A. We cannot afford the luxury of being intolerant or critical of other people. We do not try to impose our wills on those who differ from us. We are not “holier than thou.” We do not have all the answers. We are not better than other good people. We live the best way we can and we allow others to do likewise.
Quoted from the book 24 Hours a Day
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 675
That's a great way of putting it O. I guess for me it's like the (religous) analogy of blind men describing an elephant. Contradictory perspectives don't necessarily mean we're describing different things. Truth is multifaceted. That's what I meant about semantics..
And actually is my larger point altogether. Addiction may be a "part of me" from one angle, but it's not who or all I am. That said, there's something very powerful about identifying a part of yourself reflected in a group of others. I have no qualms with that intellectually, as long as I'm still allowed to step away from the mirror and look within.
And actually is my larger point altogether. Addiction may be a "part of me" from one angle, but it's not who or all I am. That said, there's something very powerful about identifying a part of yourself reflected in a group of others. I have no qualms with that intellectually, as long as I'm still allowed to step away from the mirror and look within.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Well, Arien kicked my behind! He did a little fitness test consisting of four challenges, and that was reasonably tough. But in addition to that, he had me do some really difficult (for me) upper body exercises. That's my very weakest area - always has been. I got through all of it with the exception of the last three reps of that last exercise, when I grunted "nausea." He said, "That's the magic word, we're done."
We sat down and he confirmed that definitely my weakest point is upper body/arms but also remarked that I surprised him with how well I did with the tests involving core strength. Basically - yup, there's a lot of fat going on, but there's a good foundation under all that. Then came the recommendation to work with a personal trainer 1-3 times/week so I could learn to properly do what I need to do, focusing on building muscle, not so much on cardio or circuit training. Realizing that for damned sure I wouldn't work as hard on my own as he just worked me, I thought that was a good idea. We did a little bit of haggling (with the requisite call to his manager) and settled on a hybrid that involves 2 sessions/week for the first three months, then an alternating schedule of 2 sessions one week/1 session the next for the rest of the year at a price that was much closer to the 1 session/week price than it is to the 2 sessions price.
So I pretty much physically recovered after an hour or so, but am left with residual physical manifestations of anxiety. Weird, because I don't feel anxious in my brain or mind or whatever it is. But not weird because that's not unusual for me.
Eldest is offering up all sorts of reasons for why she's not going to be able to find a full time job. I'm concerned that she's going to eek through the next couple of months and then hit crisis time when the money she has in the bank runs out, but knew this was a distinct possibility. Just need to let it play out...
We sat down and he confirmed that definitely my weakest point is upper body/arms but also remarked that I surprised him with how well I did with the tests involving core strength. Basically - yup, there's a lot of fat going on, but there's a good foundation under all that. Then came the recommendation to work with a personal trainer 1-3 times/week so I could learn to properly do what I need to do, focusing on building muscle, not so much on cardio or circuit training. Realizing that for damned sure I wouldn't work as hard on my own as he just worked me, I thought that was a good idea. We did a little bit of haggling (with the requisite call to his manager) and settled on a hybrid that involves 2 sessions/week for the first three months, then an alternating schedule of 2 sessions one week/1 session the next for the rest of the year at a price that was much closer to the 1 session/week price than it is to the 2 sessions price.
So I pretty much physically recovered after an hour or so, but am left with residual physical manifestations of anxiety. Weird, because I don't feel anxious in my brain or mind or whatever it is. But not weird because that's not unusual for me.
Eldest is offering up all sorts of reasons for why she's not going to be able to find a full time job. I'm concerned that she's going to eek through the next couple of months and then hit crisis time when the money she has in the bank runs out, but knew this was a distinct possibility. Just need to let it play out...
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I'm looking forward to seeing my therapist today. It's been almost two weeks, so it will be good to "process" things with him. Mainly I think I want to be sure that I'm not surreptitiously sabotaging myself by backing out of ATS. I feel sure that it's the right thing to do for me but also think that I can't use it as an impetus to back-sliding otherwise. For instance, I told myself it was ok to not go to meetings the past three days because I had group two of those and the gym the other. I think that's ok, but given my history, I also think it's important to be sure to keep pushing through. Similar to making a commitment to work with a trainer twice/week, I need to make a reasonable commitment to taking defined action that will bolster my sober self.
Physically: Every time I stand up, there's a tugging in my thighs - yup, I did work those muscles.
Mentally: Somewhat... vacant? Or observant.
Emotionally: A little bit low; feeling guilty that I've got things to do and am not doing them. It's nothing crucial, but still.
Physically: Every time I stand up, there's a tugging in my thighs - yup, I did work those muscles.
Mentally: Somewhat... vacant? Or observant.
Emotionally: A little bit low; feeling guilty that I've got things to do and am not doing them. It's nothing crucial, but still.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 675
The gym sounds great O, it would definitely help to have that commitment to those sessions.
About eldest, not sure what kind of work she's done in the past, but if she's not going to budge on getting a full time job plus school.. what about finding a part time job that pays a living wage? I've found that through serving and bartending (although definitely not recommending bartending to someone newly sober or trying to break into recovery).
But these days there are a lot of driving jobs even (Uber, Grubhub, etc.) where it's a set your own hours kind of thing.
About eldest, not sure what kind of work she's done in the past, but if she's not going to budge on getting a full time job plus school.. what about finding a part time job that pays a living wage? I've found that through serving and bartending (although definitely not recommending bartending to someone newly sober or trying to break into recovery).
But these days there are a lot of driving jobs even (Uber, Grubhub, etc.) where it's a set your own hours kind of thing.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Good morning O
Happy Sunday. And its RAINING! Yay. Although that foils my plan to start winterizing the yard. Boooo. But I always have a crap ton of house work. Seems this summer just flew by in flurry of parent care giving trips and time with daughter. Then move to college. Then stress over writing resume. So the house is a fricken mess....guess that's where I'm going with all that.
I'm trying not to freak out about getting a job. It'll take time and I have to chill out. I'm just not good at chilling out. I get my laser beam focused on something and I'm like a dog with a bone.
You sound really good. I think some of the emotional 'flatness' is normal. Sometimes I think I drink to actually feel. As opposed to what a lot of folks say, they drink not to feel. Of course I do that too. Can't win. Guess I just have to either be ok with the feeling, or not feeling, or whatever life throws at me.
Daughter has been gone 2 weeks. And I've seen her a lot so this is really no big deal. More symbolic than anything else.
Now if I could just get a job......ugh.
Happy Sunday. And its RAINING! Yay. Although that foils my plan to start winterizing the yard. Boooo. But I always have a crap ton of house work. Seems this summer just flew by in flurry of parent care giving trips and time with daughter. Then move to college. Then stress over writing resume. So the house is a fricken mess....guess that's where I'm going with all that.
I'm trying not to freak out about getting a job. It'll take time and I have to chill out. I'm just not good at chilling out. I get my laser beam focused on something and I'm like a dog with a bone.
You sound really good. I think some of the emotional 'flatness' is normal. Sometimes I think I drink to actually feel. As opposed to what a lot of folks say, they drink not to feel. Of course I do that too. Can't win. Guess I just have to either be ok with the feeling, or not feeling, or whatever life throws at me.
Daughter has been gone 2 weeks. And I've seen her a lot so this is really no big deal. More symbolic than anything else.
Now if I could just get a job......ugh.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Nice job, fini.
Flips, how goes with the resume? Have you submitted it yet? Seems like that would be a reasonable first step.
You've had a lot of upheaval and hoopla these past months; you've got time. Just start with one corner of crap ton today. Maybe just do one room to the point that you'll feel that satisfaction of, "Oh, it's so much better in here."
Therapist appointment was good. We talked about ATS and after hearing my description he agrees that it's not a good fit. But still, he would be reluctant to let me off the hook on that program without having another structured "medical" recovery program in place - if for nothing other than the accountability. I came home and wrote to my favorite counselor (the only one I clicked with) at the IOP several years back. Told him I truly can't see value in doing the same program for the third time 5x/week, 3 hours/day and asked if there was any possibility that I could return to work with him again and do some sort of accelerated or hybrid kind of program? That was kind of ballsy of me, but there's no reason not to ask. Another possibility Daniel and I talked over is for my to buy a breathalyzer and authorized someone to ask me to blow at any time of their choosing.
My sponsor just moved our meet-up to tomorrow evening and that's a good thing - gives me a chance to talk over this 4th step work with Daniel before she and I talk.
Took youngest and eldest to dinner and a show last night to belatedly celebrate eldest's birthday. Youngest and I had a good talk on the way into the city; seems like we're perfectly comfortable with each other at long last. While we were at dinner, I mentioned there was a two-drink minimum at the show but it needn't be alcohol. Youngest said, "is alcohol allowed?" I said, "For you, yes, but not for me or eldest." Eldest demanded why, and I said, "Because I told you; I don't want to be around you if you've been drinking." Youngest had two drinks, eldest and I drank soda and the girls thoroughly enjoyed themselves. All in all, it was a good night out.
Physically: Anxious. I need to buy some decaf coffee because three cups is clearly over my max daily allotment. Still somewhat sore in spots from that Friday workout.
Mentally: Clear
Emotionally: Overall ok, but sensing some guardedness.
Flips, how goes with the resume? Have you submitted it yet? Seems like that would be a reasonable first step.
You've had a lot of upheaval and hoopla these past months; you've got time. Just start with one corner of crap ton today. Maybe just do one room to the point that you'll feel that satisfaction of, "Oh, it's so much better in here."
Therapist appointment was good. We talked about ATS and after hearing my description he agrees that it's not a good fit. But still, he would be reluctant to let me off the hook on that program without having another structured "medical" recovery program in place - if for nothing other than the accountability. I came home and wrote to my favorite counselor (the only one I clicked with) at the IOP several years back. Told him I truly can't see value in doing the same program for the third time 5x/week, 3 hours/day and asked if there was any possibility that I could return to work with him again and do some sort of accelerated or hybrid kind of program? That was kind of ballsy of me, but there's no reason not to ask. Another possibility Daniel and I talked over is for my to buy a breathalyzer and authorized someone to ask me to blow at any time of their choosing.
My sponsor just moved our meet-up to tomorrow evening and that's a good thing - gives me a chance to talk over this 4th step work with Daniel before she and I talk.
Took youngest and eldest to dinner and a show last night to belatedly celebrate eldest's birthday. Youngest and I had a good talk on the way into the city; seems like we're perfectly comfortable with each other at long last.
While we were at dinner, I mentioned there was a two-drink minimum at the show but it needn't be alcohol. Youngest said, "is alcohol allowed?" I said, "For you, yes, but not for me or eldest." Eldest demanded why, and I said, "Because I told you; I don't want to be around you if you've been drinking." Youngest had two drinks, eldest and I drank soda and the girls thoroughly enjoyed themselves. All in all, it was a good night out. Physically: Anxious. I need to buy some decaf coffee because three cups is clearly over my max daily allotment. Still somewhat sore in spots from that Friday workout.
Mentally: Clear
Emotionally: Overall ok, but sensing some guardedness.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 675
Well my friend relapsed shortly after leaving rehab. I really wish I could see him in person but he lives in my home state and I'm across the country. He's moved out of sober living and is "staying with a friend". He's on probation and is most likely going to end up back in jail. I can't help but think if he were to spend a full year in treatment rather than in jail.. what the difference could be. I guess he was on meds for cravings (no idea what kind) and they weren't refilled after he left, which is only a tiny part of the whole equation but still.. I've been keeping my distance emotionally but it's still hard. Have been talking to my mom about it cause she's been super (overly) involved but she's as clueless as it's possible to be about addiction and it makes me angry for reasons I can't fully articulate.
I think it's good of you to ask about doing some sort of hybrid with the IOP.. Better to be honest about what you need and what you know won't be helpful than to not ask at all.
I think it's good of you to ask about doing some sort of hybrid with the IOP.. Better to be honest about what you need and what you know won't be helpful than to not ask at all.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 675
Update in real time: he hasn't answered when I called but finally replied to my text I sent and said they were going to force him to do the steps as a requirement to live there and he wasn't going to do it. Not a reason to leave or to relapse, but again why I tried to give him another perspective.. He had been doing SMART in rehab but obviously sober living places make their own rules.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Cos, I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I know you aren't completely surprised by this outcome, but feel like you were prepared for the possibility. Small comfort, but knowing your own limitations and boundaries is a good thing. Fact is, everywhere I've been in the professional recovery industry, 12-steps is a given. It took me more than a few go-rounds in treatment to learn that fact. Perhaps your friend doesn't know that yet, perhaps he'll do fine with AVRT and SMART, perhaps he will decide to at least take the medication. I don't know that any of all of that provides comfort, but that's my intent. 
Eldest actually did do a trial run for one of those uber-like delivery services the other night. She said it was easy but boring and that it will be a good temporary stop-gap until she finds a real job once she knows her schedule for the additional class. She also remarked that it will be a good motivation to not drink as she would never drive after drinking. Fingers crossed.
Slept right through my alarm this morning. Oh, I heard it, but I just let it do it's thing - 3 times or how many ever repeats it goes through. I'd woken shortly after 5 on the couch and decided that perhaps I would be less tired if I actually slept in my bed for once, even if it was only for an hour. Well, I do feel better, but I've missed my therapy appointment and will now be late to work because I'm posting here. That last part is a deliberate choice and I'm ok with it because this (and the support from you all) is a significant part of staying sane and sober.
Went to a meeting last night. Didn't really want to because I was tired out from my weekend of doing virtually nothing, but my sponsor was expecting me and I hadn't been for four days. It was a one-year anniversary, and I'm glad I went.
I think I figured out the itchiness and nausea. The NP had cautioned me on my first visit to avoid all products containing alcohol. At the time, I thought she was being an extremist, but in retrospect I realize she was probably thinking in terms of the antabuse she hadn't yet prescribed. During a particularly itchy bout yesterday, I finally thought to check the label on the calamine lotion. First inactive ingredient: alcohol. Showering, I checked the labels on my shampoo and conditioner - both contain some form of alcohol. Side effects of mixing antabuse and alcohol: nausea, anxiety, itchiness! Pitched the calamine, fortunately found shampoo with no alcohol in my cupboard, and will need to go without deodorant for the day - hopefully baby powder will be sufficient.
5 weeks today.
Physically: Only marginally itchy. My left thigh still feels like it has a big ol inner bruise any time I go up or down stairs. Aside from that, good!
Mentally: There's a lot of stuff rattling around in there, but it hasn't formed into words yet. I'm under no duress, just pensive I guess.
Emotionally: A bit worried that deciding to leave ATS and slacking on meetings last week might signal weakening commitment. On the other hand, feeling like these things might signal me taking control of my own path in sobriety. In a word, conflicted.
Eldest actually did do a trial run for one of those uber-like delivery services the other night. She said it was easy but boring and that it will be a good temporary stop-gap until she finds a real job once she knows her schedule for the additional class. She also remarked that it will be a good motivation to not drink as she would never drive after drinking. Fingers crossed.
Slept right through my alarm this morning. Oh, I heard it, but I just let it do it's thing - 3 times or how many ever repeats it goes through. I'd woken shortly after 5 on the couch and decided that perhaps I would be less tired if I actually slept in my bed for once, even if it was only for an hour. Well, I do feel better, but I've missed my therapy appointment and will now be late to work because I'm posting here. That last part is a deliberate choice and I'm ok with it because this (and the support from you all) is a significant part of staying sane and sober.
Went to a meeting last night. Didn't really want to because I was tired out from my weekend of doing virtually nothing, but my sponsor was expecting me and I hadn't been for four days. It was a one-year anniversary, and I'm glad I went.
I think I figured out the itchiness and nausea. The NP had cautioned me on my first visit to avoid all products containing alcohol. At the time, I thought she was being an extremist, but in retrospect I realize she was probably thinking in terms of the antabuse she hadn't yet prescribed. During a particularly itchy bout yesterday, I finally thought to check the label on the calamine lotion. First inactive ingredient: alcohol. Showering, I checked the labels on my shampoo and conditioner - both contain some form of alcohol. Side effects of mixing antabuse and alcohol: nausea, anxiety, itchiness! Pitched the calamine, fortunately found shampoo with no alcohol in my cupboard, and will need to go without deodorant for the day - hopefully baby powder will be sufficient.
5 weeks today.
Physically: Only marginally itchy. My left thigh still feels like it has a big ol inner bruise any time I go up or down stairs. Aside from that, good!
Mentally: There's a lot of stuff rattling around in there, but it hasn't formed into words yet. I'm under no duress, just pensive I guess.
Emotionally: A bit worried that deciding to leave ATS and slacking on meetings last week might signal weakening commitment. On the other hand, feeling like these things might signal me taking control of my own path in sobriety. In a word, conflicted.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hey O
Some people are super sensitive on antabuse so it could be the products. I know you said you were going to get your liver checked again too after being on it for a while. That's a good idea to do that. Amazing what they put in body care products. Alcohol? Yep its everywhere. There's a website called EWG....it rates products for their environmental and biological safety. I went on a rampage about that years ago and now only use super 'clean' products....and alcohol is out. So if you want an obsession like removing all toxins that you put on your largest organ (skin) then EWG is your best friend! Lol.
I finished my resume and have been applying for jobs. Well 3. I haven't posted on Linked in yet. Not ready for that but will probably have to. I'll find something. I just have this weird entitlement...like, they should be calling me and begging me to work for them. Simultaneously I'm totally insecure and fearful. Thomas11 had a recent thread that I posted my feelings on....not sure it had anything to do with his...but it was what I felt. Anyway, I just have to be paaaatiennnnttt. Not something I'm good at. It hasn't even been a week!
Daughter is still doing great. I'll see her Tuesday for coffee. Life is alright. Weird but alright.
Some people are super sensitive on antabuse so it could be the products. I know you said you were going to get your liver checked again too after being on it for a while. That's a good idea to do that. Amazing what they put in body care products. Alcohol? Yep its everywhere. There's a website called EWG....it rates products for their environmental and biological safety. I went on a rampage about that years ago and now only use super 'clean' products....and alcohol is out. So if you want an obsession like removing all toxins that you put on your largest organ (skin) then EWG is your best friend! Lol.
I finished my resume and have been applying for jobs. Well 3. I haven't posted on Linked in yet. Not ready for that but will probably have to. I'll find something. I just have this weird entitlement...like, they should be calling me and begging me to work for them. Simultaneously I'm totally insecure and fearful. Thomas11 had a recent thread that I posted my feelings on....not sure it had anything to do with his...but it was what I felt. Anyway, I just have to be paaaatiennnnttt. Not something I'm good at. It hasn't even been a week!
Daughter is still doing great. I'll see her Tuesday for coffee. Life is alright. Weird but alright.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Cosima, I’m sorry to hear of your friends’ predicament. At least he’s keeping in contact with you, but it must feel hard looking in from the outside, whilst he flounders. You can only be there for him, which you are ��.
O, I don’t think it’s a lesening of commitment, because you realised the ATS wasn’t assisting you, and raised the question of a hybrid IOP with the previous counsellor. My view is that’s a redirecting of commitment by seeking something that will aid your path to sobriety, instead of wasting time going over stuff you already know, but with a different cast.
What a super evening out with eldest and youngest.
O, I don’t think it’s a lesening of commitment, because you realised the ATS wasn’t assisting you, and raised the question of a hybrid IOP with the previous counsellor. My view is that’s a redirecting of commitment by seeking something that will aid your path to sobriety, instead of wasting time going over stuff you already know, but with a different cast.
What a super evening out with eldest and youngest.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Flips, thanks for the resource. I'll check it out. Found some alcohol-free body cream cheap at the drugstore yesterday (Udderly Smooth) and will start using that today. I looked on Amazon for AF deodorant, and yikes it's expensive! Aside from Tom's, but that doesn't get very good reviews. I'm proud of you for submitting your resume! I know how nerve-wracking the wait can be; just hang in there and believe the universe will deliver the right gig for you. Have you checked out "Indeed?" Seems like they are having success. I'm on a distribution list for jobs in my area of expertise in Wisconsin, and there are new opportunities every week. Glad life is "alright."
Tats, thank you. I just know what a trickster my brain can be - have to watch out for my own super-intelligence. Ha! Things are unfolding beautifully, really. While I was at ATS for my third appointment still doing intake forms yesterday, I thought about just saying, "Never mind I'm going to do something different," but bit my tongue. First off, I know they need to do this paperwork (though not necessarily in this inefficient way!) to remain compliant and get paid for their services. But also I didn't have a plan in hand that Daniel would be comfortable with.
Leaving that appointment, I had an email from the IOP counselor who said, "We can absolutely tailor an accelerated plan for you. Call and tell the person who answers the phone that I told you to set up an intake appointment with me." I then went to a "beginners" AA meeting and was glad to sit and listen although the topic of how to handle not drinking in social situations is absolutely irrelevant to me. (Not that I'm ever going to do it again, but that was an extremely rare occasion and I was always able to contain myself - until I got home.) It was good to hear that the suggestions in the book and volunteered by others were relevant and helpful to several of the people in the room.
Afterward, my sponsor and I went for dinner and a talk. I brought her up to speed on my last week and where I was with ATS, asked if I could transfer antabuse duty to her(yes) and told her about my plan to get a breathalyzer so middlest could ask for a reading on demand (all good). The topic then turned to the 4th step. I told her the story of my elder brother's abuse and spoke about how for the longest time I felt bad about this, like I was somehow wrong. But I've mostly worked that out; it was good to hear those words coming out of me because I didn't realize I'd gotten to that point. So obviously, that's not going on my inventory, but things that are tangential will likely land on the list. She said, "First off, thank you for trusting me enough to tell me that." And, "The more I get to know you, the more similar I think we are. While I'm here to help you, you're helping me too."
So the conclusion of that discussion was, "First things first. Write the inventory without debating about amends. We'll deal with sorting all of that out when we get to it."
Physically: Good. Moderate itchiness, no headache, soreness in the thigh is beginning to subside.
Mentally: Clear, focused
Emotionally: Grateful
Tats, thank you. I just know what a trickster my brain can be - have to watch out for my own super-intelligence. Ha! Things are unfolding beautifully, really. While I was at ATS for my third appointment still doing intake forms yesterday, I thought about just saying, "Never mind I'm going to do something different," but bit my tongue. First off, I know they need to do this paperwork (though not necessarily in this inefficient way!) to remain compliant and get paid for their services. But also I didn't have a plan in hand that Daniel would be comfortable with.
Leaving that appointment, I had an email from the IOP counselor who said, "We can absolutely tailor an accelerated plan for you. Call and tell the person who answers the phone that I told you to set up an intake appointment with me."
I then went to a "beginners" AA meeting and was glad to sit and listen although the topic of how to handle not drinking in social situations is absolutely irrelevant to me. (Not that I'm ever going to do it again, but that was an extremely rare occasion and I was always able to contain myself - until I got home.) It was good to hear that the suggestions in the book and volunteered by others were relevant and helpful to several of the people in the room.Afterward, my sponsor and I went for dinner and a talk. I brought her up to speed on my last week and where I was with ATS, asked if I could transfer antabuse duty to her(yes) and told her about my plan to get a breathalyzer so middlest could ask for a reading on demand (all good). The topic then turned to the 4th step. I told her the story of my elder brother's abuse and spoke about how for the longest time I felt bad about this, like I was somehow wrong. But I've mostly worked that out; it was good to hear those words coming out of me because I didn't realize I'd gotten to that point. So obviously, that's not going on my inventory, but things that are tangential will likely land on the list. She said, "First off, thank you for trusting me enough to tell me that." And, "The more I get to know you, the more similar I think we are. While I'm here to help you, you're helping me too."
So the conclusion of that discussion was, "First things first. Write the inventory without debating about amends. We'll deal with sorting all of that out when we get to it."
Physically: Good. Moderate itchiness, no headache, soreness in the thigh is beginning to subside.
Mentally: Clear, focused
Emotionally: Grateful
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
yeah, that was really important for me to remember when doing the inventory: not to think and fret ahead to steps to come, just to stay with the task at hand. trusting that when i got to "later", i would be ready and willing .
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I feel pukey and have no idea why. Also got extraordinarily tired at work today, again. I'll be seeing the psychiatrist on Monday - maybe he'll have an idea. Feels like... anxiety or depression or some mix of the two.
Aside from those unfortunate symptoms, I'm otherwise well this evening. Got to work on time (!), worked an honest day, made an appointment with IOP, made arrangements to stop by the bank to sign something to do with the trusts, and paid bills when I got home.
Wondering how eldest is doing and if she got to school this evening, but I'm sitting on my hands. She's either fine or she's not - calling won't make a difference in that equation.
Been mulling over something my sponsor said last night. After we talked over the abuse topic, I told her that I couldn't get beyond that line in the BB where the physician says in his story, "Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake." So the way I was able to convince myself to swallow that sentiment is to define horrible things as outside of "God's world." She countered that with, "The way I think of it, maybe God had a plan for your and for your brother before you were even alive. Maybe you each had a lesson to learn that will be helpful to you in a future life." I didn't buy that, but having said I believe in the universe, the yin and the yang, overall balance... I'm thinking about it.
Aside from those unfortunate symptoms, I'm otherwise well this evening. Got to work on time (!), worked an honest day, made an appointment with IOP, made arrangements to stop by the bank to sign something to do with the trusts, and paid bills when I got home.
Wondering how eldest is doing and if she got to school this evening, but I'm sitting on my hands. She's either fine or she's not - calling won't make a difference in that equation.
Been mulling over something my sponsor said last night. After we talked over the abuse topic, I told her that I couldn't get beyond that line in the BB where the physician says in his story, "Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake." So the way I was able to convince myself to swallow that sentiment is to define horrible things as outside of "God's world." She countered that with, "The way I think of it, maybe God had a plan for your and for your brother before you were even alive. Maybe you each had a lesson to learn that will be helpful to you in a future life." I didn't buy that, but having said I believe in the universe, the yin and the yang, overall balance... I'm thinking about it.
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