Oh Well Part 2
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Spoke with eldest yesterday who was headed to a wedding and had told the hostess that she planned to "not go out of control." Ultimately I said, "It sounds like you've made up your mind to drink." She responded affirmatively but then said she'd planned to drink on her birthday but didn't. Like the decision was somehow outside of herself. I talked a little bit about understanding how that feels but that in order to successfully Not Drink, one needs to make a firm decision and stick with it. It's a little tricky walking this tightrope of compassion and understanding, avoiding falling into the trap of co-dependency, but I think I'm doing it. Part of that is because she knows I speak from my own experience and the other part is that we're not getting all up in each others' lives or journeys.
So far this weekend, I've cleaned the cat box, started doing laundry, ate some, did some reading and writing, and been to a meeting. Oh and I also worked out my schedule for next week. That was a challenge, and now my planner is all messed up with crossed out stuff because I got my days mixed up. I really don't like looking at paper with cross-outs all over it. Maybe I should start using pencil. Anyhow, while I was gearing up to write this paragraph I had the feeling I'd nothing to show up til this point, but now I feel it's fine.
I meet with my sponsor this evening and we'll then go to a meeting together again. I made an appointment for my complimentary session with a trainer at the gym tomorrow, spurred by a text message from them. Lordy. That's gonna take a big push from Better O. Oh and I owe someone important an email, so I'm getting on that next!
Physically: Itching has subsided somewhat.
Mentally: Stimulated
Emotionally: OK. I know that's not a feeling - best way I can describe it is tenuously stable.
So far this weekend, I've cleaned the cat box, started doing laundry, ate some, did some reading and writing, and been to a meeting. Oh and I also worked out my schedule for next week. That was a challenge, and now my planner is all messed up with crossed out stuff because I got my days mixed up. I really don't like looking at paper with cross-outs all over it. Maybe I should start using pencil. Anyhow, while I was gearing up to write this paragraph I had the feeling I'd nothing to show up til this point, but now I feel it's fine.
I meet with my sponsor this evening and we'll then go to a meeting together again. I made an appointment for my complimentary session with a trainer at the gym tomorrow, spurred by a text message from them. Lordy. That's gonna take a big push from Better O. Oh and I owe someone important an email, so I'm getting on that next!
Physically: Itching has subsided somewhat.
Mentally: Stimulated
Emotionally: OK. I know that's not a feeling - best way I can describe it is tenuously stable.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 675
Many years ago I watched the documentary Zeitgeist where it was explained how religions throughout history and across the globe have had very similar creationism stories and important dates and how they all originated from celestial events like eclipses and the solstices.
Thus began my interest (obsession?) with astrology. I don’t talk about it here and frankly have sort of stopped paying attention to it, but it can be fascinating. And it gets muuuch deeper than just what one’s Sun sign is. I know most people scoff at it but I actually believe it’s going to make a come back in pop culture too. I used to want to make a dating site based on in depth astrological compatibility but it would cost way too much to make.
Anyway, glad you're able to stay somewhat detached and objective with eldest O. Also have fun at the gym! That's one thing I wish I would've started earlier in my sobriety.. still hard to muster up the motivation beyond doing yoga but it can be a great endorphin "fix".
Thus began my interest (obsession?) with astrology. I don’t talk about it here and frankly have sort of stopped paying attention to it, but it can be fascinating. And it gets muuuch deeper than just what one’s Sun sign is. I know most people scoff at it but I actually believe it’s going to make a come back in pop culture too. I used to want to make a dating site based on in depth astrological compatibility but it would cost way too much to make.
Anyway, glad you're able to stay somewhat detached and objective with eldest O. Also have fun at the gym! That's one thing I wish I would've started earlier in my sobriety.. still hard to muster up the motivation beyond doing yoga but it can be a great endorphin "fix".
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 675
Pretty sure I've posted this elsewhere in SR but since we're talking about it.. I can't resist lol. Of course it should be taken with a grain of salt.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ahVF-UZrIc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ahVF-UZrIc
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
oh ja, i started using pencil a few years ago. the eraser is magic: poof
just reading about stuff with eldest is hard...because of her youth, because of her blind spots, because of having been there and not stopped, because of thinking i could actually control and spending a couple more decades trying to prove to myself that i could.
i do hope you can keep enough distance, O, like you’re doing, but sounds heartbreaking.
just reading about stuff with eldest is hard...because of her youth, because of her blind spots, because of having been there and not stopped, because of thinking i could actually control and spending a couple more decades trying to prove to myself that i could.
i do hope you can keep enough distance, O, like you’re doing, but sounds heartbreaking.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I watched, Cos, and it affirms much of what I understand to be the roots of Christianity. Not sure how to definitively establish that the dates all line up, so I withhold judgement on that, but the alignment in other ways is perfectly credible.
fini, I don't tend to "go" to heartbreaking. In fact, I can only remember two times in my life that I felt like my heart was breaking. I think it's my upbringing and learned distance from emotions. In the case of eldest, it's a helpful trait. I recognize where she is, she fully understands the situation she's in, and she knows the place to get to is "never again." I just repeat, like a broken record, "You don't want to go through the next three decades like this." " You're young and beautiful inside and out." " You're a smart person, and sometimes being clever can work against people like us."
If ever I needed to learn the true nature of powerlessness, it was now. Fortunately, you all helped me to understand that there are some situations in which I have absolutely no control. Do I feel remorse over having been Drunk Mom? Sure. And maybe one day soon I'll be able to face the real feelings of guilt I have about this, but for the moment, I've put that on the shelf.
Sponsor gave me the go-ahead on writing Step 4 last night. "We searched out the flaws which had caused our failures." Resentments are #1 on the list, but I'm also to look at times I have been "selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened." When I think about the latter two qualities, I sincerely believe those are founded in the abuse I endured as a child. And I guess I don't know how to discover "my part" in that. For instance, there was the time my younger sister and I sat down and her express purpose for meeting me was to say how much she resented me for leaving my family home at 19 so that my brother moved on to try to molest her. I think in retrospect, this actually probably happened when I was 16ish and moved to a tiny room of my own in my parent's house that had no door. I do feel remorse over not having done anything to protect my younger sisters, but my only thought was of myself. I didn't even consider this might happen to them; I thought I was the only one. And, too, I regret not telling this information to my brother's fiance. I don't think he did, but I've no idea if he did the same thing to his girls, but it's too late now. They're grown and I don't really know them. Thinking out loud here... I guess I include this stuff on my inventory, maybe leaving the "my part" out of it. Everyone I've ever spoken to about this has said, "You were a child; it wasn't your fault." But my brother is only 2 years older than I am. He a child, too.
*sigh*
Totally not looking forward to the gym today. Do you think Arien is a girl name? I hope it is but then again I hope it's a gay guy's name - that would be the trainer I would be best at working with. Totally biased and founded in no fact; crazy thinking. It's about me getting stronger and more fit. As long as he/she/they is accepting, I'll be fine.
Going to meetings at 10am and 630pm today, not because I think I "need" two, but I like both of them so why not?
Physically: Still itchy. I realized yesterday after taking diphenhydramine (benadryl) that it might be on the list of meds I shouldn't take without permission. Sure enough, it is, so I called my counselor to leave a voice mail letting her know.
Mentally: Full-up of thought
Emotionally: Anxious
fini, I don't tend to "go" to heartbreaking. In fact, I can only remember two times in my life that I felt like my heart was breaking. I think it's my upbringing and learned distance from emotions. In the case of eldest, it's a helpful trait. I recognize where she is, she fully understands the situation she's in, and she knows the place to get to is "never again." I just repeat, like a broken record, "You don't want to go through the next three decades like this." " You're young and beautiful inside and out." " You're a smart person, and sometimes being clever can work against people like us."
If ever I needed to learn the true nature of powerlessness, it was now. Fortunately, you all helped me to understand that there are some situations in which I have absolutely no control. Do I feel remorse over having been Drunk Mom? Sure. And maybe one day soon I'll be able to face the real feelings of guilt I have about this, but for the moment, I've put that on the shelf.
Sponsor gave me the go-ahead on writing Step 4 last night. "We searched out the flaws which had caused our failures." Resentments are #1 on the list, but I'm also to look at times I have been "selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened." When I think about the latter two qualities, I sincerely believe those are founded in the abuse I endured as a child. And I guess I don't know how to discover "my part" in that. For instance, there was the time my younger sister and I sat down and her express purpose for meeting me was to say how much she resented me for leaving my family home at 19 so that my brother moved on to try to molest her. I think in retrospect, this actually probably happened when I was 16ish and moved to a tiny room of my own in my parent's house that had no door. I do feel remorse over not having done anything to protect my younger sisters, but my only thought was of myself. I didn't even consider this might happen to them; I thought I was the only one. And, too, I regret not telling this information to my brother's fiance. I don't think he did, but I've no idea if he did the same thing to his girls, but it's too late now. They're grown and I don't really know them. Thinking out loud here... I guess I include this stuff on my inventory, maybe leaving the "my part" out of it. Everyone I've ever spoken to about this has said, "You were a child; it wasn't your fault." But my brother is only 2 years older than I am. He a child, too.
*sigh*
Totally not looking forward to the gym today. Do you think Arien is a girl name? I hope it is but then again I hope it's a gay guy's name - that would be the trainer I would be best at working with. Totally biased and founded in no fact; crazy thinking. It's about me getting stronger and more fit. As long as he/she/they is accepting, I'll be fine.
Going to meetings at 10am and 630pm today, not because I think I "need" two, but I like both of them so why not?
Physically: Still itchy. I realized yesterday after taking diphenhydramine (benadryl) that it might be on the list of meds I shouldn't take without permission. Sure enough, it is, so I called my counselor to leave a voice mail letting her know.
Mentally: Full-up of thought
Emotionally: Anxious
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Stood outside of the Lord's Prayer circle last night; my sponsor said, "I don't blame you." Did it again this morning and this guy who used to be a big fan of mine said, "I suggest that you read the Chapter the the Agnostics a couple of times." I replied, "I'm not agnostic, in fact I was raised Catholic and I like the Lord's Prayer, I just don't think it belongs in this program when it is stated that we do not endorse any sect." In one ear and out the other, he kept talking and exhorting me to fully embrace the program.
I think maybe for the time being I'll go back to the prayer circle and just keep my mouth shut. It's not my time to crusade, nor is it the time to subject myself to well-proselytizing, well-intentioned as it surely is. It would be just like me to find an outside cause to champion when I need to keep the focus on what I actually need to do.
I think maybe for the time being I'll go back to the prayer circle and just keep my mouth shut. It's not my time to crusade, nor is it the time to subject myself to well-proselytizing, well-intentioned as it surely is. It would be just like me to find an outside cause to champion when I need to keep the focus on what I actually need to do.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
O, the childhood abuse horror: you were a 100% blameless victim. You had ‘no part in it ‘ in AA 4th step question terms. You’ve consulted a qualified therapist for some time, so it was likely discussed. I’m not sure raking over it with an unqualified sponsor, for the purpose of a 4th step, is appropriate; might be damaging.
It’s an understatement to say I’m concerned for you, O.
It’s an understatement to say I’m concerned for you, O.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Originally Posted by Tatsy 
O, the childhood abuse horror: you were a 100% blameless victim. You had ‘no part in it ‘ in AA 4th step question terms. You’ve consulted a qualified therapist for some time, so it was likely discussed. I’m not sure raking over it with an unqualified sponsor, for the purpose of a 4th step, is appropriate; might be damaging.
It’s an understatement to say I’m concerned for you, O.
It’s an understatement to say I’m concerned for you, O.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Originally Posted by Dropsie
Rose,
How are you!!??
XX
How are you!!??
XX
I'm doing pretty good, Dropsie. I am around SR most days but not posting much. Dealing with rheumatoid arthritis, new diagnosis since last year. Happy to say I don't drink when being prescribed the rheum meds.
Thanks for asking
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Tatsy, thank you. Please don't worry. I really am looking out for myself, and writing here helps me to sort things. This evening, I'm thinking maybe the thing to do is tell that part of my story to my sponsor when I meet with her next, because I think the sister thing is definitely going to have to go on my inventory. And, well, it's not an insignificant part of my story. That way what happened to me is not tallied as a defect, but my sponsor will have a reference point that needn't be mixed into the inventory.
Rose, it's mighty nice to hear from you!. Pipe up any time. Good to know you're not drinking, but so sorry about the arthritis. I hope you're able to effective way to manage the pain.
Rose, it's mighty nice to hear from you!. Pipe up any time. Good to know you're not drinking, but so sorry about the arthritis. I hope you're able to effective way to manage the pain.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Thanks O I am blessed that the rheum meds are keeping my symptoms under control, including pain, so no pain management needed, yay!
You never know, maybe I will pipe up occasionally
I am blessed that the rheum meds are keeping my symptoms under control, including pain, so no pain management needed, yay!You never know, maybe I will pipe up occasionally
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
So I'm not counting, but this app is keeping track for me and I consult it every several days or so. Today's statistics:
29 days sober
452 drinks passed
$348 saved
* New neurons started developing 8 days ago.
* White matter should begin to increase within a few days.
* At 4 months in, the app says I should notice quite a deal of weight
loss. In fact, in sticking mainly to fats and protein, I'm down 8
pounds since detox.
I've got a long, long way to go before I realize other benefits, but am pleased to be where I am today.
29 days sober
452 drinks passed
$348 saved
* New neurons started developing 8 days ago.
* White matter should begin to increase within a few days.
* At 4 months in, the app says I should notice quite a deal of weight
loss. In fact, in sticking mainly to fats and protein, I'm down 8
pounds since detox.
I've got a long, long way to go before I realize other benefits, but am pleased to be where I am today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,496
Originally Posted by Obladi
Ok. One day because there's no one to feed the cats.
I don't know what is going on with your health....but I am sending so much love. And I hope you tell your mum, or have already told her.....you need her.
s xx
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