Recovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 45
Recovery
What does recovery entail for you? Do you work a program, how often do you go to meetings if you do, is counseling involved?
How much of your life and time is actually devoted to the "act" of recovering.
Does anyone close to you have different expectations of what you should and should not be doing to recover?
How much of your life and time is actually devoted to the "act" of recovering.
Does anyone close to you have different expectations of what you should and should not be doing to recover?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 45
Yes, that's correct, I do. He is not drinking and has attended some meetings, but I'm not sure he gets the recovery aspect. I really don't know what I should expect him to do. This is his journey, but if affects me, and I'm scared. The family and friends posts are not helpful with this.
I've heard meetings every day, you must go to AA, you have to hurry up and get a sponsor, etc. I just don't know if he's serious this time because he isn't going daily, reading all the time, doing worksheets etc.
I've heard meetings every day, you must go to AA, you have to hurry up and get a sponsor, etc. I just don't know if he's serious this time because he isn't going daily, reading all the time, doing worksheets etc.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hmmm. Well I don't know your story or his. I don't know what the friends and family forum would say to do.
I only know me. I don't go to AA often, although I have in the past. I don't 'work the program' so to speak. I read daily, here. But I don't read the Big Book or other 'recovery' stuff, really. I don't have a sponsor. I don't know what a worksheet is.
I do think I understand tho what you are saying. There is this idea that AA is some kind of fix....and it can be for those that work the program.
But all this is kind of moot. I get the powerless feeling you must be experiencing. I get trying to understand another person as a means to ease fear and uncertainty. I can imagine how hard this must be for you.
Honestly, if you aren't married to him/have kids I would recommend letting him go until he has a pretty darn secure footing in recovery. What that is or means is really up to him. That probably isn't what you are looking to hear.
I think the more salient question is, what does all this mean for you? What are you doing for you? That is the only part of this equation that you have control over.
I only know me. I don't go to AA often, although I have in the past. I don't 'work the program' so to speak. I read daily, here. But I don't read the Big Book or other 'recovery' stuff, really. I don't have a sponsor. I don't know what a worksheet is.
I do think I understand tho what you are saying. There is this idea that AA is some kind of fix....and it can be for those that work the program.
But all this is kind of moot. I get the powerless feeling you must be experiencing. I get trying to understand another person as a means to ease fear and uncertainty. I can imagine how hard this must be for you.
Honestly, if you aren't married to him/have kids I would recommend letting him go until he has a pretty darn secure footing in recovery. What that is or means is really up to him. That probably isn't what you are looking to hear.
I think the more salient question is, what does all this mean for you? What are you doing for you? That is the only part of this equation that you have control over.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I'm reminded of what Justice Potter Stewart said when asked to define hard-core pornography. "I know it when I see it."
Recovery is the same. Define it all you want, you know it when you see it. If you are questioning your ABF's recovery, there is likely a reason.
Recovery is the same. Define it all you want, you know it when you see it. If you are questioning your ABF's recovery, there is likely a reason.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I don't think we will have much different answers than they have in Friends & Family.
The big points are: You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
Let him worry about his recovery and you can go out and live your life. Like they say, "Let go or be dragged." None of us have the Power to influence another's sobriety, program-working, how they talk, how they act...none of that.
I think in any relationship I can only take them as they are. If I can't accept them as who/how/what they are in this moment right now, my only other choice is to leave - kindly.
The big points are: You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it.
Let him worry about his recovery and you can go out and live your life. Like they say, "Let go or be dragged." None of us have the Power to influence another's sobriety, program-working, how they talk, how they act...none of that.
I think in any relationship I can only take them as they are. If I can't accept them as who/how/what they are in this moment right now, my only other choice is to leave - kindly.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by Codependy76 
I've heard meetings every day, you must go to AA, you have to hurry up and get a sponsor, etc. I just don't know if he's serious this time because he isn't going daily, reading all the time, doing worksheets etc.
There is no one way to sobriety/recovery. If you read the newcomers and alcoholics forums you will see there are many approaches. Some people attend AA on a regular basis and stay in close touch with a sponsor. Some attend other groups, like celebrate recovery. Some do not join in any group outside of Sober Recovery. Some get in to recovery using some or many methods (outpatient, inpatient, private therapy, rehab) some don't.
There is no way for you to make a check-list of whether or not he is trying hard enough or doing the "right" things. Only he can decide if his choice of recovery method is working for him.
Your worrying won't make any difference.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
Of course you are scared, many things in your life are probably riding on his success or failure at this. Still, you cannot control him. He will choose to drink or not.
The only person you can control is yourself. What is your plan?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,234
I look at recovery life as a program of recovery
taught to me some 28 yrs ago and use it as a guideline
for living a happy, healthy, honest way of life.
Just as I learned the 10 Commandments yrs ago,
I also use it as a guideline to follow and incorporate
in my everyday life to achieve many of lifes rewarding
gifts available to us.
My recovery life allows me to live each day free
from my addiction and help me face life on lifes
terms accepting and admitting my faults, making
amends to those I have hurt by my actions/words.
Today, I dont have all those heavy cross to
bear like I use to. Each day sober is a new day
to help another by sharing my own experiences,
strengths and hopes of what my life, was and
is like, before, during and after my addiction like
Im doing now.
It's what keep me sober one more day and
a responsible way of living too.
taught to me some 28 yrs ago and use it as a guideline
for living a happy, healthy, honest way of life.
Just as I learned the 10 Commandments yrs ago,
I also use it as a guideline to follow and incorporate
in my everyday life to achieve many of lifes rewarding
gifts available to us.
My recovery life allows me to live each day free
from my addiction and help me face life on lifes
terms accepting and admitting my faults, making
amends to those I have hurt by my actions/words.
Today, I dont have all those heavy cross to
bear like I use to. Each day sober is a new day
to help another by sharing my own experiences,
strengths and hopes of what my life, was and
is like, before, during and after my addiction like
Im doing now.
It's what keep me sober one more day and
a responsible way of living too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
For me recovery is doing the right thing. When I do that I experience peace and serenity. I strive to live this 24/7. I strive to minimize the time I spend on other people's expectations of my recovery. While other people's expectations can be a learning tool, I find I experience more impact on my life, when I focus on my ideals and strive to attain them while accepting the fact that I will not be 100% successful. It is important to my recovery that this reality not segue into an excuse, but remain a goal to work towards. Progress, not perfection.
If there is to be any peace it will come through being, not having.
– Henry Miller
– Henry Miller
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
In early recovery I went to 4-5 AA meetings a week. I got a sponsor within a couple of weeks after I started going to meetings. I had worked the steps within about 4 months of going to meetings.
At 6+ years sober I go to 2-3 meetings a week. I work steps 10-12 regularly and work with newcomers as often as possible. I definitely spent much more time in meetings and with my sponsor in early sobriety (say the first year) than I do now, but several years later I focus most of my "recovery" time with helping others.
I guess one other thing I'll mention is that this was (unfortunately...or fortunately depending on how you look at it) my third go at sobriety. I first got sober in 1990, and I probably averaged 8-9 meetings a week back then. I also went through several sponsors but never worked the steps. I stopped going to meetings after 2-3 years and relapsed after 6 years. After a year of drinking I got sober again, went to a lot of meetings again, didn't work the steps again, stopped going to meetings again, and after 7 years of sobriety I relapsed again...this time for 8 years...and it nearly killed me.
I guess my advice to any newcomer like the person you are concerned about, assuming AA is what they have chosen as their recovery plan, is to find a good sponsor and work the steps ASAP. Chances are you'll find a good sponsor by going to a variety of meetings, talking to people before and after the meeting, and even bringing it up in a meeting. I've been attending AA meetings off and on for over 29 years, but it wasn't until I worked the steps 6 years ago that I actually recovered. And I only stay recovered by living by the principles contained in the steps.
At 6+ years sober I go to 2-3 meetings a week. I work steps 10-12 regularly and work with newcomers as often as possible. I definitely spent much more time in meetings and with my sponsor in early sobriety (say the first year) than I do now, but several years later I focus most of my "recovery" time with helping others.
I guess one other thing I'll mention is that this was (unfortunately...or fortunately depending on how you look at it) my third go at sobriety. I first got sober in 1990, and I probably averaged 8-9 meetings a week back then. I also went through several sponsors but never worked the steps. I stopped going to meetings after 2-3 years and relapsed after 6 years. After a year of drinking I got sober again, went to a lot of meetings again, didn't work the steps again, stopped going to meetings again, and after 7 years of sobriety I relapsed again...this time for 8 years...and it nearly killed me.
I guess my advice to any newcomer like the person you are concerned about, assuming AA is what they have chosen as their recovery plan, is to find a good sponsor and work the steps ASAP. Chances are you'll find a good sponsor by going to a variety of meetings, talking to people before and after the meeting, and even bringing it up in a meeting. I've been attending AA meetings off and on for over 29 years, but it wasn't until I worked the steps 6 years ago that I actually recovered. And I only stay recovered by living by the principles contained in the steps.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,371
Hi Codependy 
I get you're scared. Thats a natural reaction - but if your husbands attending at least some meetings and not drinking that's an encouraging sign
The thing is you can't do the work for him. That would be like signing someone up for swimming classes and you showing up and learning to swim instead.
He needs to do the work., For some that's AA. For others, it's other support systems.
For me it was one - not drinking again, and two - changing my life so that #1 could not occur.
Its scary to not be in control and to know that you're not entirely sure what might happen. Thats why places like AlAnon and the Family & Friends forums here are for your support, not his.
I hope you'll think about using, or continuing to use, some or both of those resources.
D
I get you're scared. Thats a natural reaction - but if your husbands attending at least some meetings and not drinking that's an encouraging sign
The thing is you can't do the work for him. That would be like signing someone up for swimming classes and you showing up and learning to swim instead.
He needs to do the work., For some that's AA. For others, it's other support systems.
For me it was one - not drinking again, and two - changing my life so that #1 could not occur.
Its scary to not be in control and to know that you're not entirely sure what might happen. Thats why places like AlAnon and the Family & Friends forums here are for your support, not his.
I hope you'll think about using, or continuing to use, some or both of those resources.
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 405
Recovery is overwhelmingly about the change of mindset. Actions like getting a sponsor, attending meetings, and going to therapy are meaningless if one is simply going through the motions.
I went to rehab a few years before I got sober. It was a six week inpatient program out in the beautiful countryside with daily counseling sessions and work assignments. I learned so much during my time there. They covered all of the topics that are essential to recovery: forgiveness, gratitude, exercise, nutrition, setting goals, etc. By the end of six weeks my body had physically detoxed, I was looking and feeling healthier.
Upon leaving the first thing I did was get a double shot of whiskey at the airport bar. It's not that rehab had failed me, I had failed myself.
The attitude and mindset are everything. I was only able to get sober and stay sober once I committed myself 100% to change.
I went to rehab a few years before I got sober. It was a six week inpatient program out in the beautiful countryside with daily counseling sessions and work assignments. I learned so much during my time there. They covered all of the topics that are essential to recovery: forgiveness, gratitude, exercise, nutrition, setting goals, etc. By the end of six weeks my body had physically detoxed, I was looking and feeling healthier.
Upon leaving the first thing I did was get a double shot of whiskey at the airport bar. It's not that rehab had failed me, I had failed myself.
The attitude and mindset are everything. I was only able to get sober and stay sober once I committed myself 100% to change.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
1. I don’t drink, I make sure I don’t think too much about drinking, I remind myself that I was miserable, I focus on staying sober.
2. I notice when thoughts are creeping in, I reorient my thoughts, I come to SR and post my thoughts honestly to other alcoholics.
3. My family has no expectations except that I will remain sober, and I will not pick up a drink. I attended meetings for a little while but did not follow a program. I just chose a sober lifestyle and I think about, remind myself, and continue to choose a sober lifestyle daily. I spend about 1-2 hours on SR with other alcoholics daily.
My family absolutely expects me to remain sober. Because I am an alcoholic, I test this by joking that maybe I should have a beer. No one finds it funny.
2. I notice when thoughts are creeping in, I reorient my thoughts, I come to SR and post my thoughts honestly to other alcoholics.
3. My family has no expectations except that I will remain sober, and I will not pick up a drink. I attended meetings for a little while but did not follow a program. I just chose a sober lifestyle and I think about, remind myself, and continue to choose a sober lifestyle daily. I spend about 1-2 hours on SR with other alcoholics daily.
My family absolutely expects me to remain sober. Because I am an alcoholic, I test this by joking that maybe I should have a beer. No one finds it funny.
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