I think I need some help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 37
I think I need some help
Hello,
I'm posting this in desperation. I don't know what it will achieve but I'm putting it out there. I'm not sure if this is the right section and I apologise in advance for what I can imagine will be quite a long and manic collection of thoughts.
First of all I am almost 16 months sober. I am awful at recognising and understanding myself, I go from one thing to the next thinking I'm doing the right thing but not sticking at anything long enough to establish any sort of identity or direction.
While I was drinking I did some things I'm not proud of, one of which was enabling a married woman to persue her interest in me, I even encouraged it. For me the attention was welcome and the thought of something more was appealing if not for the fact she was married with kids. For her it was the solution to her unhappy life and abusive marriage. When I recognised that her behaviour was escalating it was one of the final pushes to quit the booze and start making rational healthy decisions.
I told her that I didn't think should maintain any sort relationship and wished her all the best. Unfortunately she couldn't accept this and resulted in her her mental health detereorating and behaviour becoming more erratic. To cut a long story short, her husband got involved, her family got involved, there was a real threat of violence, I had to leave home and move from my job of 13 years. This is still going on, somehow she still finds a way to make contact. The crazy thing is there's still a part of me who wants her, if I drank I again I think it wouldn't be long before I would respond to her.
As I mentioned I had to move job, this is something that I had been considering for a number of years so didn't seem like such a bad thing. I wanted to try a career where I could give back. What I didn't realise is when you give people will take. I gave it my all and in the end they took too much. By month 3 I was employee of the month as voted by my co workers, by month 6 I was at crisis point. I had reached my limit and I was genuinely worried by the consequences of just having to deal with just 1 more bit of ****. I subsequently went to the Dr who is familiar with my struggles, he reccomended that I upped my dose of anti depressants and signed me off work. After a few weeks I decided I couldn't go back and handed in my notice.
Another honourable mention is to the stock market. I've always been interested in business, finance and the economy. I have very strong beliefs, black and white, all or nothing which I think is part of my problem. Speculation on stock prices filled the void of not drinking, something else to get addicted too. The perfect combination of the opportunity to capitalise on my certainty of what was going to happen, a chance to finally be free with the vast wealth I was going to accumulate, a solution to all my problems. As my career prospects along with every thing else in my life deminished my dependence on this risk paying off grew, only it didn't pay off. I lost all of my life savings, the money my parents gave me when they sold their business, that comfortable buffer I always had in my account, the loan I took out that I will be paying off for the next 5 years.
I am torn about how this makes me feel. The all or nothing part of me that I mentioned is the best and worst thing about me, worst for the reasons above. Best because when I apply myself, when I give it my all I can achieve great things. I don't feel like I was wrong to give something I believed in everything I had and more.
So here I am, no money, no job, no escape with drinking, just a stalker. There is more than the highlights above that I won't go into for the fear of making this too long but If you've made it this far i'm sure you can see that mental health is something I struggle with.
Recently I've been engaging in more risky behaviours, it got me thinking about when I was drinking. I woke up thismorning regretting something I had done but with out the excuse of being drunk and suddenly it felt so clear. The reason I used to drink more than anyone else I know was because I needed it more than anyone else I know.
I am worried that I gave things my all and it wasn't enough. I often think of drinking but I know that would be game over. Thank you for listening, I don't feel like I can talk to my family and friends. I will try and carry the weight of this. That maybe wrong but I'm doing it for the right reasons.
I'm posting this in desperation. I don't know what it will achieve but I'm putting it out there. I'm not sure if this is the right section and I apologise in advance for what I can imagine will be quite a long and manic collection of thoughts.
First of all I am almost 16 months sober. I am awful at recognising and understanding myself, I go from one thing to the next thinking I'm doing the right thing but not sticking at anything long enough to establish any sort of identity or direction.
While I was drinking I did some things I'm not proud of, one of which was enabling a married woman to persue her interest in me, I even encouraged it. For me the attention was welcome and the thought of something more was appealing if not for the fact she was married with kids. For her it was the solution to her unhappy life and abusive marriage. When I recognised that her behaviour was escalating it was one of the final pushes to quit the booze and start making rational healthy decisions.
I told her that I didn't think should maintain any sort relationship and wished her all the best. Unfortunately she couldn't accept this and resulted in her her mental health detereorating and behaviour becoming more erratic. To cut a long story short, her husband got involved, her family got involved, there was a real threat of violence, I had to leave home and move from my job of 13 years. This is still going on, somehow she still finds a way to make contact. The crazy thing is there's still a part of me who wants her, if I drank I again I think it wouldn't be long before I would respond to her.
As I mentioned I had to move job, this is something that I had been considering for a number of years so didn't seem like such a bad thing. I wanted to try a career where I could give back. What I didn't realise is when you give people will take. I gave it my all and in the end they took too much. By month 3 I was employee of the month as voted by my co workers, by month 6 I was at crisis point. I had reached my limit and I was genuinely worried by the consequences of just having to deal with just 1 more bit of ****. I subsequently went to the Dr who is familiar with my struggles, he reccomended that I upped my dose of anti depressants and signed me off work. After a few weeks I decided I couldn't go back and handed in my notice.
Another honourable mention is to the stock market. I've always been interested in business, finance and the economy. I have very strong beliefs, black and white, all or nothing which I think is part of my problem. Speculation on stock prices filled the void of not drinking, something else to get addicted too. The perfect combination of the opportunity to capitalise on my certainty of what was going to happen, a chance to finally be free with the vast wealth I was going to accumulate, a solution to all my problems. As my career prospects along with every thing else in my life deminished my dependence on this risk paying off grew, only it didn't pay off. I lost all of my life savings, the money my parents gave me when they sold their business, that comfortable buffer I always had in my account, the loan I took out that I will be paying off for the next 5 years.
I am torn about how this makes me feel. The all or nothing part of me that I mentioned is the best and worst thing about me, worst for the reasons above. Best because when I apply myself, when I give it my all I can achieve great things. I don't feel like I was wrong to give something I believed in everything I had and more.
So here I am, no money, no job, no escape with drinking, just a stalker. There is more than the highlights above that I won't go into for the fear of making this too long but If you've made it this far i'm sure you can see that mental health is something I struggle with.
Recently I've been engaging in more risky behaviours, it got me thinking about when I was drinking. I woke up thismorning regretting something I had done but with out the excuse of being drunk and suddenly it felt so clear. The reason I used to drink more than anyone else I know was because I needed it more than anyone else I know.
I am worried that I gave things my all and it wasn't enough. I often think of drinking but I know that would be game over. Thank you for listening, I don't feel like I can talk to my family and friends. I will try and carry the weight of this. That maybe wrong but I'm doing it for the right reasons.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 20
It's sounds that you need help and advice outside the remit of this forum simply because of the complicated issues you're experiencing. Please don't be tempted to drink. Life isn't perfect without but a lot better than with. You're having a tough time to say the least just the sort of time drink will seem tempting. Speak to your doctor again and reach out to someone you can talk to. I wish you the best of luck
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Congrats on your sober time!
I think all of this, at least a solution for it, is beyond your friends and family. I think professional counseling could help immensely.
Originally Posted by Drillbit 
I don't feel like I can talk to my family and friends.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by Fluffycloud
It's sounds that you need help and advice outside the remit of this forum simply because of the complicated issues you're experiencing. Please don't be tempted to drink. Life isn't perfect without but a lot better than with. You're having a tough time to say the least just the sort of time drink will seem tempting. Speak to your doctor again and reach out to someone you can talk to. I wish you the best of luck
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 20
Sound like our surgery 3 weeks for an appointment. Agree too short a time for much to get sorted but doctor will probably refer you for some counselling or therapy. There will probably be a bit of a wait though. 16 months sober is a great achievement. Anti depressants can take some time to kick in and might make you feel a bit worse initially so you can ask about that too. In the meantime come on here and rant if it helps!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by Callas
Well, all I can say is that you write really well and you show a remarcable insight into your own predicament. That is a true talent.
I feel numb, probably because of the antidepressants. But I am thinking clearly without alcohol and am so aware of the problems in my life. I was thinking earlier about how you could sympathise with someone if they didn't want to live anymore because of a debilitating illness. The way I see it the mental health problems I have are the same thing, something that destroys my quality of life for which I am not sure there is a cure. I know that sounds dramatic, don't worry I'm not going to kill myself, not yet anyway.
I apologise for being so negative and yes I'm sure this goes beyond an alcohol addiction forum, I just didn't know where else I could express what I'm thinking.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Drillbit
I'm sure this goes beyond an alcohol addiction forum, I just didn't know where else I could express what I'm thinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 37
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Express away. Especially if it helps keep you sober.
I had to ask my parents to borrow £350 earlier (about $500) to pay my bounced direct debits. The last time I asked to borrow money from them was when I was 17 and I'm now in my 30's, I said above that I felt completely numb but that almost had me in tears.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: California
Posts: 2,722
I feel for you Drillbit. I certainly have taken advantage of professionals to help me with mental problems. You don't mention having worked the steps, being active in AA or some other group.
I only mention working the steps because that action along with therapy that was not 'never ending' and getting off sugar, eating clean and adequate exercise, the results have been miraculous. My mental health, physical health and emotional health continue to be strong because I stay in the solution.
The solution for me is:
- close relationship with Higher Power,
- sobriety and abstinence,
- living in Steps 10, 11 & 12, and
- carrying the message.
You are worth whatever effort, time and money it takes to become whole.
I only mention working the steps because that action along with therapy that was not 'never ending' and getting off sugar, eating clean and adequate exercise, the results have been miraculous. My mental health, physical health and emotional health continue to be strong because I stay in the solution.
The solution for me is:
- close relationship with Higher Power,
- sobriety and abstinence,
- living in Steps 10, 11 & 12, and
- carrying the message.
You are worth whatever effort, time and money it takes to become whole.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Hey Drillbit.
While scary and horrible to experience first hand, your story sounds all too familiar to me. Just about every alcoholic I've ever worked with over the years has burned their life to the ground in so many impressive ways it's a shame - including me.
While "not drinking" was a helluva nice gift, I found I was almost as destructive when i was "clean and sober" as when I was out there partying. The worst part was I didn't have alcohol to blame on all my problems - as if it really ever WAS the real source of my issues. It wasn't of course, but it was a convenient scapegoat.
Like Ringo above, the only thing that's really helped me was living what believe to be a spiritual life that I learned from working the 12 steps in AA. Every single other thing I tried didn't help me much.....and I was quite sick and tired of my own behaviors, drunk OR sober and it didn't seem like anything I was trying was having enough of an impact.
In all sincerity, I've seen ppl with MUCH deeper bottoms not only dig out of the hole they put themselves into but go on to set record-breaking new highs - all by working and re-working 12 silly-looking steps that don't appear to have much relevance to any of their personal issues.
While scary and horrible to experience first hand, your story sounds all too familiar to me. Just about every alcoholic I've ever worked with over the years has burned their life to the ground in so many impressive ways it's a shame - including me.
While "not drinking" was a helluva nice gift, I found I was almost as destructive when i was "clean and sober" as when I was out there partying. The worst part was I didn't have alcohol to blame on all my problems - as if it really ever WAS the real source of my issues. It wasn't of course, but it was a convenient scapegoat.
Like Ringo above, the only thing that's really helped me was living what believe to be a spiritual life that I learned from working the 12 steps in AA. Every single other thing I tried didn't help me much.....and I was quite sick and tired of my own behaviors, drunk OR sober and it didn't seem like anything I was trying was having enough of an impact.
In all sincerity, I've seen ppl with MUCH deeper bottoms not only dig out of the hole they put themselves into but go on to set record-breaking new highs - all by working and re-working 12 silly-looking steps that don't appear to have much relevance to any of their personal issues.
All is Change
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,282
Originally Posted by Drillbit
Hello,
I'm posting this in desperation. I don't know what it will achieve but I'm putting it out there. I'm not sure if this is the right section and I apologise in advance for what I can imagine will be quite a long and manic collection of thoughts.
First of all I am almost 16 months sober. I am awful at recognising and understanding myself, I go from one thing to the next thinking I'm doing the right thing but not sticking at anything long enough to establish any sort of identity or direction.
While I was drinking I did some things I'm not proud of, one of which was enabling a married woman to persue her interest in me, I even encouraged it. For me the attention was welcome and the thought of something more was appealing if not for the fact she was married with kids. For her it was the solution to her unhappy life and abusive marriage. When I recognised that her behaviour was escalating it was one of the final pushes to quit the booze and start making rational healthy decisions.
I told her that I didn't think should maintain any sort relationship and wished her all the best. Unfortunately she couldn't accept this and resulted in her her mental health detereorating and behaviour becoming more erratic. To cut a long story short, her husband got involved, her family got involved, there was a real threat of violence, I had to leave home and move from my job of 13 years. This is still going on, somehow she still finds a way to make contact. The crazy thing is there's still a part of me who wants her, if I drank I again I think it wouldn't be long before I would respond to her.
As I mentioned I had to move job, this is something that I had been considering for a number of years so didn't seem like such a bad thing. I wanted to try a career where I could give back. What I didn't realise is when you give people will take. I gave it my all and in the end they took too much. By month 3 I was employee of the month as voted by my co workers, by month 6 I was at crisis point. I had reached my limit and I was genuinely worried by the consequences of just having to deal with just 1 more bit of ****. I subsequently went to the Dr who is familiar with my struggles, he reccomended that I upped my dose of anti depressants and signed me off work. After a few weeks I decided I couldn't go back and handed in my notice.
Another honourable mention is to the stock market. I've always been interested in business, finance and the economy. I have very strong beliefs, black and white, all or nothing which I think is part of my problem. Speculation on stock prices filled the void of not drinking, something else to get addicted too. The perfect combination of the opportunity to capitalise on my certainty of what was going to happen, a chance to finally be free with the vast wealth I was going to accumulate, a solution to all my problems. As my career prospects along with every thing else in my life deminished my dependence on this risk paying off grew, only it didn't pay off. I lost all of my life savings, the money my parents gave me when they sold their business, that comfortable buffer I always had in my account, the loan I took out that I will be paying off for the next 5 years.
I am torn about how this makes me feel. The all or nothing part of me that I mentioned is the best and worst thing about me, worst for the reasons above. Best because when I apply myself, when I give it my all I can achieve great things. I don't feel like I was wrong to give something I believed in everything I had and more.
So here I am, no money, no job, no escape with drinking, just a stalker. There is more than the highlights above that I won't go into for the fear of making this too long but If you've made it this far i'm sure you can see that mental health is something I struggle with.
Recently I've been engaging in more risky behaviours, it got me thinking about when I was drinking. I woke up thismorning regretting something I had done but with out the excuse of being drunk and suddenly it felt so clear. The reason I used to drink more than anyone else I know was because I needed it more than anyone else I know.
I am worried that I gave things my all and it wasn't enough. I often think of drinking but I know that would be game over. Thank you for listening, I don't feel like I can talk to my family and friends. I will try and carry the weight of this. That maybe wrong but I'm doing it for the right reasons.
I'm posting this in desperation. I don't know what it will achieve but I'm putting it out there. I'm not sure if this is the right section and I apologise in advance for what I can imagine will be quite a long and manic collection of thoughts.
First of all I am almost 16 months sober. I am awful at recognising and understanding myself, I go from one thing to the next thinking I'm doing the right thing but not sticking at anything long enough to establish any sort of identity or direction.
While I was drinking I did some things I'm not proud of, one of which was enabling a married woman to persue her interest in me, I even encouraged it. For me the attention was welcome and the thought of something more was appealing if not for the fact she was married with kids. For her it was the solution to her unhappy life and abusive marriage. When I recognised that her behaviour was escalating it was one of the final pushes to quit the booze and start making rational healthy decisions.
I told her that I didn't think should maintain any sort relationship and wished her all the best. Unfortunately she couldn't accept this and resulted in her her mental health detereorating and behaviour becoming more erratic. To cut a long story short, her husband got involved, her family got involved, there was a real threat of violence, I had to leave home and move from my job of 13 years. This is still going on, somehow she still finds a way to make contact. The crazy thing is there's still a part of me who wants her, if I drank I again I think it wouldn't be long before I would respond to her.
As I mentioned I had to move job, this is something that I had been considering for a number of years so didn't seem like such a bad thing. I wanted to try a career where I could give back. What I didn't realise is when you give people will take. I gave it my all and in the end they took too much. By month 3 I was employee of the month as voted by my co workers, by month 6 I was at crisis point. I had reached my limit and I was genuinely worried by the consequences of just having to deal with just 1 more bit of ****. I subsequently went to the Dr who is familiar with my struggles, he reccomended that I upped my dose of anti depressants and signed me off work. After a few weeks I decided I couldn't go back and handed in my notice.
Another honourable mention is to the stock market. I've always been interested in business, finance and the economy. I have very strong beliefs, black and white, all or nothing which I think is part of my problem. Speculation on stock prices filled the void of not drinking, something else to get addicted too. The perfect combination of the opportunity to capitalise on my certainty of what was going to happen, a chance to finally be free with the vast wealth I was going to accumulate, a solution to all my problems. As my career prospects along with every thing else in my life deminished my dependence on this risk paying off grew, only it didn't pay off. I lost all of my life savings, the money my parents gave me when they sold their business, that comfortable buffer I always had in my account, the loan I took out that I will be paying off for the next 5 years.
I am torn about how this makes me feel. The all or nothing part of me that I mentioned is the best and worst thing about me, worst for the reasons above. Best because when I apply myself, when I give it my all I can achieve great things. I don't feel like I was wrong to give something I believed in everything I had and more.
So here I am, no money, no job, no escape with drinking, just a stalker. There is more than the highlights above that I won't go into for the fear of making this too long but If you've made it this far i'm sure you can see that mental health is something I struggle with.
Recently I've been engaging in more risky behaviours, it got me thinking about when I was drinking. I woke up thismorning regretting something I had done but with out the excuse of being drunk and suddenly it felt so clear. The reason I used to drink more than anyone else I know was because I needed it more than anyone else I know.
I am worried that I gave things my all and it wasn't enough. I often think of drinking but I know that would be game over. Thank you for listening, I don't feel like I can talk to my family and friends. I will try and carry the weight of this. That maybe wrong but I'm doing it for the right reasons.
The reason you drink is because you can't not drink. Everything else is an excuse.
Youre quite right about giving your all in what you do. You just have to make sure what you do is the right thing fo do.
A good simple guide is: does it harm anyone (including you self), is it wholesome and not lead to remorse. If you're clear about those then you can be assured that what you choose to do is right and then, yes, give it your all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I am worried that I gave things my all and it wasn't enough. I often think of drinking but I know that would be game over. Thank you for listening, I don't feel like I can talk to my family and friends. I will try and carry the weight of this.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,368
Hi drillbit...sometimes life is good and sometimes its not.
In my sober years, I've had friends die, was nearly homeless, found myself in a mountain of debt and I worried myself almost to death about various health things.
some of those things I had allowed to happen, some I made bad choices and some just happened to me.
Similiar things, and worse things, happen to my fellow humans every day.
Fall down seven times, get up eight.
SR is a good place to come to, to vent, to ask for input and help, and find it
you're not alone
D
In my sober years, I've had friends die, was nearly homeless, found myself in a mountain of debt and I worried myself almost to death about various health things.
some of those things I had allowed to happen, some I made bad choices and some just happened to me.
Similiar things, and worse things, happen to my fellow humans every day.
Fall down seven times, get up eight.
SR is a good place to come to, to vent, to ask for input and help, and find it
you're not alone
D
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