Husky2015

So I have never participated in a forum community but I think I want to be a part of one now. So the thing is I have this issue where I am sober for 2 to 3 months then I believe I can go back to moderately drinking. I guess the problem lies there. Next thing I know I am on a week/two week long bender drinking HEAVILY and have to go through terrible withdrawals again once I stop. I then continue the cycle of being sober for 2 months then doing it all again. It takes me about 7 LONG days of withdrawals to get to a normal state again ( I think based on some research "Kindling" has to do something with that). I use to be able to bounce back at 21 in one or two days very easy.....well I'm now 29 almost 30 and its getting a lot harder and I know this destructive way is going to wind up killing me as the withdrawal periods are getting harder on me each go around. So yesterday was terrible-very classic alcohol withdrawal....I was sweating, racing heart, vomiting, intensive fatigue but no sleep, shaking hands, and my brain was just not good. I probably should not have done this one cold turkey at my home seeing that it could have been deadly. I think sometimes I get so scared of doctors and yea its stupid STUPID to play Russian Roulette and gamble with my health. I am here today DAY 2 and a lot of the pain isn't as strong....I think I got very lucky this time as it was at a 9/10 pain yesterday and today its manageable at a 6. I still am soooooo tired, have a dull ache in my upper right quadrant, and nausea but I feel more comfortable at home and having people who live here. If it even remotely gets worse I will go to an urgent care because sometimes I notice withdrawal comes in waves. Ultimately, I am realizing that I am self-destructive. I am an alcoholic. I dont think I ever have typed that. I graduated from college and have achieved nothing (Only staying at jobs for 6 month periods and largely quitting every one due to alcohol). I am not going to make excuses I started heavily drinking at 20 and now its almost been 10 years of abuse. After college when I would party a lot I justified it as being in college and social. Then when I was 25, my younger sister passed away and that only fueled the bad things I have done to my body and really for the last 4 years have made the drinking bad. I think I just wanted to vent and have someone who could hear me out. I have read through so many posts on this site yesterday that distracted me from the pain and will continue to read them for the next 4 days while I am in bed. I have been drinking a lot of water now and bought this electrolyte packets and at night just walking the block for some fresh air. Took a hot shower and Motrin that seem to help alleviate some of the anxiety. I want to thank a lot fo you for your posts....knowing I am not a lone is in a way comforting. I think after I fully get back on my feet within a week I will actually make an effort this time to go to my first AA meeting. I am scared and embarrassed to go but I think I need accountability and not doing this a lone. I do have just one question and I believe it will need to be something I ask a doctor because google always makes you fear the worst. Does anyone understand ascites? I know doctors can test for them. I guess I am wondering if you are comfortable telling me about your experience with them if you have had them. I know no-one can diagnose me haha...I just wanted to know if anyone had a personal experience or knows of someone. I think I just have started getting a belly because my metabolism isn't as fast now....I will need to go get a check up sometime this month anyway. I think posting this is the first step toward a road to recovery. I isolated and became so distant from friends and family the last 3 years so I could drink alone. I miss those relationships so I need to start working on myself. Anyways if you got through this little novel I appreciate it. Also, apologize if there are many typo's.

SoberRican

Welcome you come to the place. This site Will put the spark in you for recovery real talk. Aint nothing you talked about that we can not relate. Bottom line is booze put a beating on ya. We get it. Throw thw towel in . push your pride to the side. Tell booze it was a ball but thats all. Dont worry about it . tell booze to **** off. That being said. Keep doing what your doing. Your not nursing a hang over. You nortuing recovery. First thing on list stop drinking! Cant stress that enough. It Will get better I did the same and again it worked for me. And I am at day 75. I check on on this site daily sometimes hourly. Why? Cause now I feel I belong. Even thougg I have never met anyone . just the bwing able to open up about this disease. And let me brief. Rhis disease wants to kill you. Scary thought huh. But anyways get well. And Keep coming back

Fluffycloud

Well you are not alone. I'm going through withdrawal too and feel frustrated with myself that I never learn and scared I'm going to die. I always think this time will be different. It never is. Good you've got people round you. I don't even want to drink just fit in and be normal. Well I hope you feel better soon and get some supportive replies x

Hevyn

Welcome Husky! I felt the way that you do when I found SR - except I was a good deal older. I'm glad you're taking action now, & facing up to this 'progressive disease'. I don't know anything about Ascites - sorry I can't help with that.

Taking part in the discussions here really helped me quit and stay that way. I knew I never had to feel alone again, & that meant everything. Our family & friends often don't understand what we're going through. I'm glad you're here!

Husky2015

Thanks everyone for their kind words! Im on Day 6 now. I feel so much better than I did when I posted this initial passage on Day 2. I am still suffering from insomnia and fatigue but from what I gather that could be a thing that lingers for months due to the damage I have caused my brain. I just wanted to say I appreciate your kind words.

eve123

Robert88

I relate to all of that. I am almost 31 now. I have been sober for over 6 months. I noticed that once I started getting closer to 30 that my body was having a harder time going through the withdrawals. I would suggest just getting a blood test at the doctors. I went through college and could never get a job in my field for too long while I was using. I was able to get an internet technician job when I first started sober living. So you can always get a job in your field of study or even go back to school. You can do anything sober.

Briansy

Man those withdrawals are disgusting. But the good news is they are temporary. Day 31 here and weirdly it gets harder after those first determined weeks. But reading your post is a good reminder about why staying the course is the only way to go. Hope you're still on track.

MovingForward1

Welcome Husky! Hope it's still getting better for you. I experienced ascites and had paracentesis performed a few times to alleviate the discomfort. Literally liters of fluid drained from my abdomen. Shortly after it subsided I went right back to drinking. it didn't recur and I stupidly used that as a justification that I could keep going! Fast forward a few years through God knows how many withdrawal days like you describe. Then I had a seizure. It was on day 3 of withdrawal. That was always my other justification, "I never have seizures". Ha!
I've been sober a little over 2 months now and don't ever have to go through that misery and terror ever again.
I hope you find your way forward too!