very bad day
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very bad day
I drag race cars sometimes. It's an adrenaline rush and I love the friendships I've formed while in this community. I've been doing it most of my adult life.
There's a particular car shop I frequent just to jaw it up with old friends and pick up parts. There's a new guy there who has managed to pi$$ of a lot of the old timers there.
This dude is a pathological liar. Spouting sponsorships that he doesn't have, giving bad advise, yelling at customers, claiming he's one of the fastest guys in the world, blah blah blah........just a horrible f'ing decision to hire this guy.
I've butted heads with him a few times. I usually let it roll off but today was different.
He started jawing at the mouth, giving more bad advise, talking more s#it and I got mad. I basically called him out and embarrassed him in front of the entire shop . He started to yell at me.....BAD IDEA.
People know my history there...they've known my family for 35 years. When I was young, my nickname was shaky because right before i would unload on some poor ba$Tard, i'd start to shake really bad from the adrenaline.
When the manager saw this, he and 3 other guys had to pull me away from this fool. I was about to put my hands on him. It would have ended badly and I would have gone to jail for sure.
Instead, I stopped. I put my arms down and just turned around and walked out.
What scares me is how close I came to really doing something awful.
Now let me say this....this is not a normal reaction for me to have. I never get like this. I'm usually very logical and level headed. For some reason today, I came really close to being that monster I was when I was in my early 20s and 30s.
Why?
It seems like I should have an answer, but I don't. It's really bugging me.
There's a particular car shop I frequent just to jaw it up with old friends and pick up parts. There's a new guy there who has managed to pi$$ of a lot of the old timers there.
This dude is a pathological liar. Spouting sponsorships that he doesn't have, giving bad advise, yelling at customers, claiming he's one of the fastest guys in the world, blah blah blah........just a horrible f'ing decision to hire this guy.
I've butted heads with him a few times. I usually let it roll off but today was different.
He started jawing at the mouth, giving more bad advise, talking more s#it and I got mad. I basically called him out and embarrassed him in front of the entire shop . He started to yell at me.....BAD IDEA.
People know my history there...they've known my family for 35 years. When I was young, my nickname was shaky because right before i would unload on some poor ba$Tard, i'd start to shake really bad from the adrenaline.
When the manager saw this, he and 3 other guys had to pull me away from this fool. I was about to put my hands on him. It would have ended badly and I would have gone to jail for sure.
Instead, I stopped. I put my arms down and just turned around and walked out.
What scares me is how close I came to really doing something awful.
Now let me say this....this is not a normal reaction for me to have. I never get like this. I'm usually very logical and level headed. For some reason today, I came really close to being that monster I was when I was in my early 20s and 30s.
Why?
It seems like I should have an answer, but I don't. It's really bugging me.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Testosterone.
I mean, really.
It’s natural to get so pissed off you want to beat someone to shreds, it’s not normal to actually do it. You didn’t. Unfortunately because they stopped you, it’s hard to know if you would have stopped yourself, although you did step away from the situation. The guy was unscathed.
I had a moment of anger a few months back that unfortunately happened around a friend I rarely see...I was out of town and my husband took my work laptop in to his work so it wouldn’t be sitting around the house all day, didn’t tell me, I thought it was stolen and I just lost it: which unfortunately others witnessed, as I was trying to track him down at lunchtime. One person who saw this fit of rage I have talked to twice since getting sober, and she saw me as a real nutcase when I was drinking, so that was humiliating, because she knows I’m sober.
It just goes to show that we’re still human. We still get furious sometimes. We still sometimes lose it. We still need to learn how to calm ourselves in rational ways.
We are also still going to screw up sometimes. I think sometimes after going through the monumental task of getting sober we sometimes think we’re all fixed, oh look. I am a peaceful guru....nah. I’m just me, with a little more sanity than before.
I mean, really.
It’s natural to get so pissed off you want to beat someone to shreds, it’s not normal to actually do it. You didn’t. Unfortunately because they stopped you, it’s hard to know if you would have stopped yourself, although you did step away from the situation. The guy was unscathed.
I had a moment of anger a few months back that unfortunately happened around a friend I rarely see...I was out of town and my husband took my work laptop in to his work so it wouldn’t be sitting around the house all day, didn’t tell me, I thought it was stolen and I just lost it: which unfortunately others witnessed, as I was trying to track him down at lunchtime. One person who saw this fit of rage I have talked to twice since getting sober, and she saw me as a real nutcase when I was drinking, so that was humiliating, because she knows I’m sober.
It just goes to show that we’re still human. We still get furious sometimes. We still sometimes lose it. We still need to learn how to calm ourselves in rational ways.
We are also still going to screw up sometimes. I think sometimes after going through the monumental task of getting sober we sometimes think we’re all fixed, oh look. I am a peaceful guru....nah. I’m just me, with a little more sanity than before.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
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I was a monster in my twenties and thirties, too. I mean a look at me the wrong way and you may get punched out monster. Drunk, of course.
I can relate to what you went through. It takes a lot to **** me off now.
But it sounds like this ass was jerking your chain for awhile and it built up and exploded in a fit of rage.
To me, there's nothing wrong with what you dd. I know myself, and know I would have done the same thing.
My ******** tolerance has gotten much higher since I got sober, but it didn't leave altogether.
I know I didn't put it into words very well, but I understand completely.
I can relate to what you went through. It takes a lot to **** me off now.
But it sounds like this ass was jerking your chain for awhile and it built up and exploded in a fit of rage.
To me, there's nothing wrong with what you dd. I know myself, and know I would have done the same thing.
My ******** tolerance has gotten much higher since I got sober, but it didn't leave altogether.
I know I didn't put it into words very well, but I understand completely.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Unfortunately there's not always an answer to "why" i don't think BD. I've been sober for about 6 and a half years now and things still happen to me that I don't expect. Granted I've made a ton of progress in all facets of my life - mental and physically but I still have work to do.
Regarding the specific situation, sounds to me like it's been building up for a while. Bottom line, you let this guy rent space in your head and you should have evicted him much sooner in the process. All those things you list about him - the patholocial lying, etc - it's utterly irrelevant unless you allow it to be. You can't control it and you'll never be able to change him, so it's best to not even engage him in the first place.
If you recall this whole situation is somewhat reminiscent of your inability to let go of the situation with your father a few months back. You wanted a certain outcome for his life that was not the same as what he wanted it caused you a overwhelming amount of angst. Sure you didn't physically mix it up with him but the situation was pretty much exactly the same. In both cases you did not agree with what was happening and wanted to change someone else - which is impossible.
I'm glad you were able to leave before things got too out of hand. Moving forward though, for your own sake, you've got to figure out a way to just let go of wanting to control other people. It will drive you to your wits end.
Regarding the specific situation, sounds to me like it's been building up for a while. Bottom line, you let this guy rent space in your head and you should have evicted him much sooner in the process. All those things you list about him - the patholocial lying, etc - it's utterly irrelevant unless you allow it to be. You can't control it and you'll never be able to change him, so it's best to not even engage him in the first place.
If you recall this whole situation is somewhat reminiscent of your inability to let go of the situation with your father a few months back. You wanted a certain outcome for his life that was not the same as what he wanted it caused you a overwhelming amount of angst. Sure you didn't physically mix it up with him but the situation was pretty much exactly the same. In both cases you did not agree with what was happening and wanted to change someone else - which is impossible.
I'm glad you were able to leave before things got too out of hand. Moving forward though, for your own sake, you've got to figure out a way to just let go of wanting to control other people. It will drive you to your wits end.
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I believe God puts people in my life sometimes for me to learn the bigger lesson. I think that's the case here with the 3 of your advise.
Sassy, Ghost and Scott, you all gave 3 very different perspectives but I believe equally as important.
Scott, I am a control freak. I hate admitting that, but I guess it is what it is and I need to address it. I don't think anyone has pointed it out so bluntly, but I actually respect that more. So thanks.
Sassy, you get how i process things and Ghost too. I think a lot of us tend to have a lot of the same feelings about things which is why we relate so well as a group. I just need to curb the urge to beat someone till they crap themselves.
I'm gonna work on that. Many thanks to all 3 of you, you all made my day a lot brighter.
Sassy, Ghost and Scott, you all gave 3 very different perspectives but I believe equally as important.
Scott, I am a control freak. I hate admitting that, but I guess it is what it is and I need to address it. I don't think anyone has pointed it out so bluntly, but I actually respect that more. So thanks.
Sassy, you get how i process things and Ghost too. I think a lot of us tend to have a lot of the same feelings about things which is why we relate so well as a group. I just need to curb the urge to beat someone till they crap themselves.
I'm gonna work on that. Many thanks to all 3 of you, you all made my day a lot brighter.
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Originally Posted by BullDog777 
Scott, I am a control freak. I hate admitting that, but I guess it is what it is and I need to address it. I don't think anyone has pointed it out so bluntly, but I actually respect that more. So thanks.
.
.
To be honest the thing that helps me the most in this area is the concept of acceptance and mindfulness. I still see a counselor every month or so and we work on this more than anything. I actually have a mantra of sorts that I will even say out loud at times "is this for me?". You can apply it to just about any possible situation in life - from deciding what to make for supper to making large life changing decisions. And quite frankly, most times the answer is no - it's "not for me".
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Originally Posted by BullDog777
Instead, I stopped. I put my arms down and just turned around and walked out.
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
"is this for me?". You can apply it to just about any possible situation in life - from deciding what to make for supper to making large life changing decisions. And quite frankly, most times the answer is no - it's "not for me".
I DIG THIS !!! THANKS SCOTT!!
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Originally Posted by Lucinda2
It seems to me this is a good bit to focus on. You did something different to what you would have done before - 'Instead, I stopped.....'
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Bulldog, try not to be so hard on yourself. I can see why you’re frustrated, but from an outsider’s perspective, what I noticed is that you stopped yourself. You’re a different man now than you once were. Not only did you stop yourself, but you’re feeling guilty about having even felt such emotions. To me, in my perspective, you had a good day. Look at how much you’ve grown. Some people don’t grow at all.
But you’re also human. Cut yourself some slack. You deserve it. And you’re on here all the time giving advice to people like me. You need to give yourself some credit tonight.
But you’re also human. Cut yourself some slack. You deserve it. And you’re on here all the time giving advice to people like me. You need to give yourself some credit tonight.
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Originally Posted by Sohard
Bulldog, try not to be so hard on yourself. I can see why you’re frustrated, but from an outsider’s perspective, what I noticed is that you stopped yourself. You’re a different man now than you once were. Not only did you stop yourself, but you’re feeling guilty about having even felt such emotions. To me, in my perspective, you had a good day. Look at how much you’ve grown. Some people don’t grow at all.
But you’re also human. Cut yourself some slack. You deserve it. And you’re on here all the time giving advice to people like me. You need to give yourself some credit tonight.
But you’re also human. Cut yourself some slack. You deserve it. And you’re on here all the time giving advice to people like me. You need to give yourself some credit tonight.
I think some of the guilt I felt was from how close I came to screwing everything up.
If I would have started beating on this dude, i wouldn't have stopped till someone stopped me, and typically, that has tremendously horrific results.
I would have gone to jail or prison and lost my whole family because I lost control. For my sake, I'm staying away from that place as long as he works there. For his safety and my freedom, I think that's the only wise option.
thanks again.
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Good decision--you are growing and changing.
Also, be a little kinder and say some nice words to that guy BullDog when you next see him in the mirror
Also, be a little kinder and say some nice words to that guy BullDog when you next see him in the mirror
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Your experience doesn't sound like a bad day.
It sounds like a difficult day.
It also sounds like you grew a lot from the experience.
Not a fun day and not an easy day, but an important one.
Congrats on making it to the other side of it a wiser man.
It sounds like a difficult day.
It also sounds like you grew a lot from the experience.
Not a fun day and not an easy day, but an important one.
Congrats on making it to the other side of it a wiser man.
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
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Don't have much to add BullDog but to agree wholeheartedly with what Sober CAH said. Sometimes difficult days seem bad while we're going through them, but if we come out the other side of them stronger then it may have been just the kind of day we needed to go through.
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one reason of the "why" of my rage was expectations. a part of my favorite story:
Perhaps the best thing of all for me is to remember
that my serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations. The higher my expectations of other
people is, the lower is my serenity. I can watch my
serenity level rise when I discard my expectations.
But then my “rights” try to move in, and they too can
force my serenity level down. I have to discard my
“rights,” as well as my expectations, by asking myself,
How important is it, really? How important is it compared to my serenity, my emotional sobriety? And
when I place more value on my serenity and sobriety
than on anything else, I can maintain them at a higher
level—at least for the time being.
no need to step in and help him dig his own hole,BD
it might be a nice place to hang but i question the integrity of a shop that would allow an employee to act like that towards customers.
P.S.
if ya didnt drink it was a pretty dam good day.
Perhaps the best thing of all for me is to remember
that my serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations. The higher my expectations of other
people is, the lower is my serenity. I can watch my
serenity level rise when I discard my expectations.
But then my “rights” try to move in, and they too can
force my serenity level down. I have to discard my
“rights,” as well as my expectations, by asking myself,
How important is it, really? How important is it compared to my serenity, my emotional sobriety? And
when I place more value on my serenity and sobriety
than on anything else, I can maintain them at a higher
level—at least for the time being.
no need to step in and help him dig his own hole,BD
it might be a nice place to hang but i question the integrity of a shop that would allow an employee to act like that towards customers.
P.S.
if ya didnt drink it was a pretty dam good day.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
When it's me, and I catch myself in similar behavior, i know precisely why. I don't know why at the time but 5 or 10 minutes later it hits me like a ton of bricks - a fair amount of time and practice in recovery keeps me wise to the games my mind likes to play.
In MY case, it's ALWAYS been because I'm not "at ease" in one or several areas of my life. The unmanagability there is leading to frustration and that frustration, while small at the time, builds and builds. Add in some "lack of power" in areas where I'm convinced I "should" have power and my angst rises even faster. Over time, the pressure builds - almost imperceptibly as it's happening - but unless something changes within me....... you can bet money on SOMEONE paying the price. Sooner or later, I'm going to make someone pay for my discomfort.
The tough parts were always that I didn't even notice the "pressure" building in the first place and I didn't become aware of it until after I'd just unloaded on someone. The good news for you Dog is that you didn't get that far. If it were me, I know the problem, or the "reason," is absolutely inside me - the way I've been thinking, perceiving and/or acting lately. When what I'm doing gets out of line with the spiritual way of living that I try and maintain, I get wound up and the end result is usually me taking it out on someone else...... or at least wanting to reeeeeeally bad.
In MY case, it's ALWAYS been because I'm not "at ease" in one or several areas of my life. The unmanagability there is leading to frustration and that frustration, while small at the time, builds and builds. Add in some "lack of power" in areas where I'm convinced I "should" have power and my angst rises even faster. Over time, the pressure builds - almost imperceptibly as it's happening - but unless something changes within me....... you can bet money on SOMEONE paying the price. Sooner or later, I'm going to make someone pay for my discomfort.
The tough parts were always that I didn't even notice the "pressure" building in the first place and I didn't become aware of it until after I'd just unloaded on someone. The good news for you Dog is that you didn't get that far. If it were me, I know the problem, or the "reason," is absolutely inside me - the way I've been thinking, perceiving and/or acting lately. When what I'm doing gets out of line with the spiritual way of living that I try and maintain, I get wound up and the end result is usually me taking it out on someone else...... or at least wanting to reeeeeeally bad.
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I really appreciate the help and comments.
I did a couple of things after I started this thread.
First thing was, I spoke to my therapist and she contacted someone in the same practice who specializes in anger management. She thought we'd be a good fit. So now I have two therapists. haha Who would have ever thought?!
I guess it's never bad to have too many.
Second thing I did was the shop owner called me and asked me to drop by after hours to talk. He offered to fire the guy.
I really was about to take him up on it and then I stopped myself and just said to him..."he's not a bad guy...he means well, but he's young, dumb and really unprofessional. " You can probably break him of the ladder....don't think you can fix stupid" I told him I was willing to give him one last shot.
It meant a lot to me that he thought enough about me to sit me down and talk to me about it. There's an old saying in the biker community where I grew up that says "Respect is earned, Honesty is appreciated, Trust is gained, Loyalty is returned". So in that, I'm gonna give this arrogant little s#it one more chance before he gets bounced. I owe the owner that. The kid is a decent salesman. Still pretty convinced you can't fix stupid though.
That's about it. So things are back in an upswing now.
Such is life.
Thanks again for all the help.
I did a couple of things after I started this thread.
First thing was, I spoke to my therapist and she contacted someone in the same practice who specializes in anger management. She thought we'd be a good fit. So now I have two therapists. haha Who would have ever thought?!
I guess it's never bad to have too many.
Second thing I did was the shop owner called me and asked me to drop by after hours to talk. He offered to fire the guy.
I really was about to take him up on it and then I stopped myself and just said to him..."he's not a bad guy...he means well, but he's young, dumb and really unprofessional. " You can probably break him of the ladder....don't think you can fix stupid" I told him I was willing to give him one last shot.
It meant a lot to me that he thought enough about me to sit me down and talk to me about it. There's an old saying in the biker community where I grew up that says "Respect is earned, Honesty is appreciated, Trust is gained, Loyalty is returned". So in that, I'm gonna give this arrogant little s#it one more chance before he gets bounced. I owe the owner that. The kid is a decent salesman. Still pretty convinced you can't fix stupid though.
That's about it. So things are back in an upswing now.
Such is life.
Thanks again for all the help.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
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Originally Posted by BullDog777
I really appreciate the help and comments.
I did a couple of things after I started this thread.
First thing was, I spoke to my therapist and she contacted someone in the same practice who specializes in anger management. She thought we'd be a good fit. So now I have two therapists. haha Who would have ever thought?!
I guess it's never bad to have too many.
Second thing I did was the shop owner called me and asked me to drop by after hours to talk. He offered to fire the guy.
I really was about to take him up on it and then I stopped myself and just said to him..."he's not a bad guy...he means well, but he's young, dumb and really unprofessional. " You can probably break him of the ladder....don't think you can fix stupid" I told him I was willing to give him one last shot.
It meant a lot to me that he thought enough about me to sit me down and talk to me about it. There's an old saying in the biker community where I grew up that says "Respect is earned, Honesty is appreciated, Trust is gained, Loyalty is returned". So in that, I'm gonna give this arrogant little s#it one more chance before he gets bounced. I owe the owner that. The kid is a decent salesman. Still pretty convinced you can't fix stupid though.
That's about it. So things are back in an upswing now.
Such is life.
Thanks again for all the help.
I did a couple of things after I started this thread.
First thing was, I spoke to my therapist and she contacted someone in the same practice who specializes in anger management. She thought we'd be a good fit. So now I have two therapists. haha Who would have ever thought?!
I guess it's never bad to have too many.
Second thing I did was the shop owner called me and asked me to drop by after hours to talk. He offered to fire the guy.
I really was about to take him up on it and then I stopped myself and just said to him..."he's not a bad guy...he means well, but he's young, dumb and really unprofessional. " You can probably break him of the ladder....don't think you can fix stupid" I told him I was willing to give him one last shot.
It meant a lot to me that he thought enough about me to sit me down and talk to me about it. There's an old saying in the biker community where I grew up that says "Respect is earned, Honesty is appreciated, Trust is gained, Loyalty is returned". So in that, I'm gonna give this arrogant little s#it one more chance before he gets bounced. I owe the owner that. The kid is a decent salesman. Still pretty convinced you can't fix stupid though.
That's about it. So things are back in an upswing now.
Such is life.
Thanks again for all the help.
Perhaps this young man will learn from your magnanimity.
Forgiveness is quite a virtue.
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