Social question
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Social question
I posted this on an old thread of mine, but I really wanted to start another that just has to do with this. I have another question. I feel like I will really need to figure out an answer to this.
I bought a home recently..it’s a condo in the city. And there are lots of great people here. Friendly place. A nice couple invited me up to their home for drinks tomorrow at six in order to welcome me to the new building. Every time I would see them in the hallway, on the elevator, at the pool, one of them would say “we need to get together for drinks!” And I would say “definitely!“ They seem like great people, and I would feel weird sharing personal information with them, particularly in such passing environments. I would love to get to know the couple more. But how do I go up there, and then say, “hey, guess what, I don’t drink. So all those times I said definitely I was lying.” I have been sober at work events, around friends, etc. But this is different. So I really need help with this scenario. Thank you for any advice.
And I know it’s fine to say I don’t drink. I know that. I know it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I know it’s only my business. I know all of that. I’m just trying to figure out a casual way to deal with this that doesn’t make anyone uncomfortable. I want to be a fun new neighbor. Not that I can’t be fun sober. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying it’s awkward at first.
I bought a home recently..it’s a condo in the city. And there are lots of great people here. Friendly place. A nice couple invited me up to their home for drinks tomorrow at six in order to welcome me to the new building. Every time I would see them in the hallway, on the elevator, at the pool, one of them would say “we need to get together for drinks!” And I would say “definitely!“ They seem like great people, and I would feel weird sharing personal information with them, particularly in such passing environments. I would love to get to know the couple more. But how do I go up there, and then say, “hey, guess what, I don’t drink. So all those times I said definitely I was lying.” I have been sober at work events, around friends, etc. But this is different. So I really need help with this scenario. Thank you for any advice.
And I know it’s fine to say I don’t drink. I know that. I know it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I know it’s only my business. I know all of that. I’m just trying to figure out a casual way to deal with this that doesn’t make anyone uncomfortable. I want to be a fun new neighbor. Not that I can’t be fun sober. That’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying it’s awkward at first.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,312
Sounds like some nice new people. If it were me, I would accept the invite and show up with some sparkling water and say, “I brought some drinks!” I’ve done this a few times with new people and haven’t had anyone question me.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
If you think you might go, the best time to tell people you're a non drinker is when you get the invite to drinks. The second best time is as soon as possible 
If you're not intending to go to these things, 'definitely' is probably not the best response.
I'm at the point where I can go to these things if I want to and it's not a problem for me to be around drinkers. I'll bring something for myself to drink.
'I don't drink' isn't really that personal. Most people don;t care what I drink or not.
If the room falls silent, a glass breaks and someone gasps when you say that, it's probably not the crowd for you
D
If you're not intending to go to these things, 'definitely' is probably not the best response.
I'm at the point where I can go to these things if I want to and it's not a problem for me to be around drinkers. I'll bring something for myself to drink.
'I don't drink' isn't really that personal. Most people don;t care what I drink or not.
If the room falls silent, a glass breaks and someone gasps when you say that, it's probably not the crowd for you
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1,065
I would just say you don't drink. Bring something, sparkling cider, or a cheese tray. In our group of friends, there are 4 of us teetotalers. None of us know why the others abstain lol. I don't think my best friend knows. It is actually pretty common for people to give it up, or rarely ever have a drink. It is a lot more commonplace than we realize.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
The boss bought me a shot of tequila that other night. I said I don't drink, he said cmon I bought 1 for each of you. I said, my body is my temple. Lol!
It was awkward. I gave my shot to my friend. He asked me, you used to drink before right? I said oh ya. I was a party animal. Now I am a gym rat.
My friend said good, because I don't trust people that never drank. I said, in that case, you can really trust me. Lol!
I find that most of my old friends are not around much these days. I don't exclude them, I think we are on different orbits is all.
Fine with me. My orbit is the one flying nice and elliptical. No wobbling.
Thanks.
It was awkward. I gave my shot to my friend. He asked me, you used to drink before right? I said oh ya. I was a party animal. Now I am a gym rat.
My friend said good, because I don't trust people that never drank. I said, in that case, you can really trust me. Lol!
I find that most of my old friends are not around much these days. I don't exclude them, I think we are on different orbits is all.
Fine with me. My orbit is the one flying nice and elliptical. No wobbling.
Thanks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Yeah. I just feel like I got myself into something I wish I hadn’t. I think when I was talking to the couple, I WISHED I could be that girl that could pop over for a glass of wine and sit by the pool on their patio. So I sort of pretended I was. It was just easier. I feel like it would be easier to be that girl, it was also easier to lie and pretend to be that girl. Now I wish I could turn back time and say don’t drink from the get go.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
I WISHED I could be that girl that could pop over for a glass of wine and sit by the pool on their patio.
The funny thing is now I'm sober I can sit by the pool and engage socially while others have that mythical one glass of wine
D
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
Not necessarily a lie, you would like to join them for drinks...just without alcohol in your particular drink. And yes I know "drinks" the way they said it assumes alcohol, but I also look at it as you wanted to let them know you were interested in getting together to get to know each other right? So that part was true. And having something to drink is just fine too. How about some fancy coffee drink and you can catch a caffeine buzz to help keep you in a talkative mood? 
All you're removing from this entire equation is the alcohol part. And yes I know all of this is hard in the early days. So you have to realize your boundaries, and then you can expand them as you get more comfortable being around social settings involving drinking. If I don't want to have to explain why I don't drink I still occasionally just tell them that I have an allergic reaction to alcohol. It's not really a lie as I believe my body processes alcohol differently than a normal person. Symptoms include "foot in mouth" syndrome, hermititis, and on rare occasion breaking out in handcuffs.
All you're removing from this entire equation is the alcohol part. And yes I know all of this is hard in the early days. So you have to realize your boundaries, and then you can expand them as you get more comfortable being around social settings involving drinking. If I don't want to have to explain why I don't drink I still occasionally just tell them that I have an allergic reaction to alcohol. It's not really a lie as I believe my body processes alcohol differently than a normal person. Symptoms include "foot in mouth" syndrome, hermititis, and on rare occasion breaking out in handcuffs.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Originally Posted by Grungehead 
Not necessarily a lie, you would like to join them for drinks...just without alcohol in your particular drink. And yes I know "drinks" the way they said it assumes alcohol, but I also look at it as you wanted to let them know you were interested in getting together to get to know each other right? So that part was true. And having something to drink is just fine too. How about some fancy coffee drink and you can catch a caffeine buzz to help keep you in a talkative mood?
All you're removing from this entire equation is the alcohol part. And yes I know all of this is hard in the early days. So you have to realize your boundaries, and then you can expand them as you get more comfortable being around social settings involving drinking. If I don't want to have to explain why I don't drink I still occasionally just tell them that I have an allergic reaction to alcohol. It's not really a lie as I believe my body processes alcohol differently than a normal person. Symptoms include "foot in mouth" syndrome, hermititis, and on rare occasion breaking out in handcuffs.
All you're removing from this entire equation is the alcohol part. And yes I know all of this is hard in the early days. So you have to realize your boundaries, and then you can expand them as you get more comfortable being around social settings involving drinking. If I don't want to have to explain why I don't drink I still occasionally just tell them that I have an allergic reaction to alcohol. It's not really a lie as I believe my body processes alcohol differently than a normal person. Symptoms include "foot in mouth" syndrome, hermititis, and on rare occasion breaking out in handcuffs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,614
I think you have to look at it from all angles yeah they said come have a drink but like everybody else said. You are going to know instantly if you get a bad vibe after you state you dont drink. . On the other hand maybe that's what the couple decided to say thinking everybody drinks or whatever they might not even be drinkers but if they would have said hey come on over for some coffee thinking how Society is now with alcohol that that would have been a turn off you know what I'm saying so you never know
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
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OK, I’ve been tormented about this all night. Wanting to go, but not wanting to make this an issue. Anyway, I’ve decided to go. I’ve also decided to bring a nice little appetizer plate, nothing special but something. I feel like this takes the focus off the alcohol a little bit. And then I might just bring my own sparkling water since I can’t drink because I’m on some medication. No big deal. It’s the truth, no big deal. It actually IS the truth. I’m on antidepressants. Definitely not supposed to drink on those. So Ill go and try to have fun. This is going to hopefully be the first of many sober social outings. I just have to get used to it. Social outings since age 16 have involved alcohol. This is just so strange.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,312
It sounds like you have a good plan for attending. You can always have an escape plan on hand if things are uncomfortable for you.
Its definitely hard to move outside the comfort zone and try something new. I’m glad you are taking the opportunity. I hope you have a lovely time.
Its definitely hard to move outside the comfort zone and try something new. I’m glad you are taking the opportunity. I hope you have a lovely time.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Hey Sohard- it's great that you are thinking thru this well....yet we can totally overthink these things!
A few thoughts-
It's super early so since you're going - be prepared with a polite reason to leave - IMO, something like "This has been lovely and I'm so glad to get to know you a little better. I have an early morning/breakfast plans/whatever [ bc legit, sober you can get up early! for any reason or none!] - would love to get together for lunch in [ this cool place you've noticed in your neighborhood]."
And, I love Grungehead's comment- we automatically gravitate towards the fact that "drinks always means alcohol." Sure, it often or usually does....but do you know that isn't just a "normal" euphemism and a social common ground like not committing to a whole dinner as a first date? One or both of them might not drink either- truly not even blink that you say "I don't drink, actually- I'm so excited to get to know you better, and would love to have water or whatever soda you might have" or such....and I'd suggest that we have to remember it's not about us, as in we don't know what the other people are thinking, prefer, etc esp when new friends. Heck, you don't know if they have experience with alcoholics in the fam or friends. I've been really surprised at how many folks are fine to outright verbal about why it's great we are sober.
Have fun, stay 45 min or an hour (I'd consider that plenty for a first time visiting, esp for us learning to be sober and socialize) - and leave.
You can do this.
(PS around here and the way I was brought up....we wouldn't take food to put the hostess on cue to have to serve it if she has whatever else set up. Flowers either unless already arranged so she doesn't have to do it....but I've still got old school Southern country club life ideas of politeness so....
)
A few thoughts-
It's super early so since you're going - be prepared with a polite reason to leave - IMO, something like "This has been lovely and I'm so glad to get to know you a little better. I have an early morning/breakfast plans/whatever [ bc legit, sober you can get up early! for any reason or none!] - would love to get together for lunch in [ this cool place you've noticed in your neighborhood]."
And, I love Grungehead's comment- we automatically gravitate towards the fact that "drinks always means alcohol." Sure, it often or usually does....but do you know that isn't just a "normal" euphemism and a social common ground like not committing to a whole dinner as a first date? One or both of them might not drink either- truly not even blink that you say "I don't drink, actually- I'm so excited to get to know you better, and would love to have water or whatever soda you might have" or such....and I'd suggest that we have to remember it's not about us, as in we don't know what the other people are thinking, prefer, etc esp when new friends. Heck, you don't know if they have experience with alcoholics in the fam or friends. I've been really surprised at how many folks are fine to outright verbal about why it's great we are sober.
Have fun, stay 45 min or an hour (I'd consider that plenty for a first time visiting, esp for us learning to be sober and socialize) - and leave.
You can do this.
(PS around here and the way I was brought up....we wouldn't take food to put the hostess on cue to have to serve it if she has whatever else set up. Flowers either unless already arranged so she doesn't have to do it....but I've still got old school Southern country club life ideas of politeness so....
)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
If you say, "medication," be ready for the, "Oh, what kind of medication?" question(s.)
I've learned to keep it simple. "I don't like how it makes me feel," is something I'll bet every drinker has felt at one time or another. "I don't like it," is pretty non-arguable, too.
You'll be fine. New meet and greets are usually awkward, regardless. If they're combined with alcohol 1.) People have no filter, so be ready and 2.) They won't remember whatever reason you give anyway. 3.) They likely won't even care.
The worrying usually has more to do with not understanding how to set boundaries. It's really no one's business about your past drinking unless you want it to be. That won't stop them from probing (especially if they're drinking and looking for drama) but you can say, "No," to the probing too.
I've learned to keep it simple. "I don't like how it makes me feel," is something I'll bet every drinker has felt at one time or another. "I don't like it," is pretty non-arguable, too.
You'll be fine.
New meet and greets are usually awkward, regardless. If they're combined with alcohol 1.) People have no filter, so be ready and 2.) They won't remember whatever reason you give anyway. 3.) They likely won't even care.The worrying usually has more to do with not understanding how to set boundaries. It's really no one's business about your past drinking unless you want it to be. That won't stop them from probing (especially if they're drinking and looking for drama) but you can say, "No," to the probing too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
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Thanks everybody. I really appreciate your support.
It was strange… I had a dream last night that I was drinking. I was really enjoying myself drinking, but I also kept thinking in my dream how much I would totally regret this decision in the next morning. When I woke up, I was ecstatic. It was just a dream!, I realized. Anyway, I want to keep that feeling of sheer joy in the very forefront of my mind. I was so joyful not to have had a drink. That is the real me.
It was strange… I had a dream last night that I was drinking. I was really enjoying myself drinking, but I also kept thinking in my dream how much I would totally regret this decision in the next morning. When I woke up, I was ecstatic. It was just a dream!, I realized. Anyway, I want to keep that feeling of sheer joy in the very forefront of my mind. I was so joyful not to have had a drink. That is the real me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
You don't owe anyone an explanation. Typically saying we'll "get together for drinks" implies a social gathering, not that you must literally drink alcohol. Perhaps take a bottle of bubbly water with you and say this is what you drink. In 27 years of recovery the only people who ask why I don't drink alcohol are alcoholics. Have fun!
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Oh, I definitely don’t think they would ever ask me why I don’t drink. It’s not that. It’s that I don’t even want them to wonder why I don’t drink. I don’t want them to wonder If I’ve ever struggled or been addicted to it. Not because it is wrong or embarrassing, but because it’s personal. I also wouldn’t want them to wonder if I underwent chemotherapy last year or was diabetic. Not on my first visit. It’s just uncomfortable for me because it’s personal. I know there was a coworker of mine who didn’t drink 2 years at our holiday party. And I know a few people spoke about it the next day. Certainly not in front of him. And certainly not with judgement. We just wondered: is he in alcoholic? I just don’t want them wondering about me, but I think that’s human nature. Of course, new people normally wonder about you, but they don’t normally wonder about struggles you’ve had right off the bat. In my opinion, It would be natural for them to think about that in this situation. Anyway. My plan is still to go with the plate of appetizers and the medication excuse. Personally, I think I’ll leave and they might have a conversation wondering why I don’t drink. Was my reason true? That’s not a horrible thing. I think the conversation will be had. I’ll just have to get used to it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Here's an uncomfortable spiritual Truth:
When I stopped talking about other people in a gossipy way I miraculously stopped worrying a whole lot about what other people said about me.
If they were going to talk about me, that was more about them and their inability to stay in their own lane. Not my problem.
When I stopped talking about other people in a gossipy way I miraculously stopped worrying a whole lot about what other people said about me.
If they were going to talk about me, that was more about them and their inability to stay in their own lane. Not my problem.
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